Why Parents Need RIE (with Melani Ladygo)

20:55Janet Lansbury:And sometimes they struggle and there is no angst, right? They're just like that baby that was going up the slide. She was just working on a problem and she hadn't ascribed any kind of angst or worry to it. And so it's kind of like a reflection for myself. Not every problem needs to be quite so stressful.

21:17Melani Ladygo:Yeah. And I mean, I would say for the baby, that wasn't even a problem. That was just the situation in front of them. That was interesting. You know, they were just exploring a situation that they were in. And, you know, as parents, we look and we are adults, we frame it as, oh, there's a problem. And hopefully, they'll find the answer. And they're worried, all these things that we project. I mean, I'm guilty of all of this still. But I catch myself now I'm able to hear those voices and go, okay, that's you. But let's really see where they're at with this, you know, and when they do get upset and cry, oftentimes, it's very much about them being tired or something else.

21:55Melani Ladygo:I mean, when they're very little, They're learning that they can manage things and that we are there and that we support where they are right now, you know, as much as we try to do that. I just wanted to get back to one thing you said about it's not always easy, though, because it definitely isn't. I mean, being a parent or working at a child care center, it's very draining and exhausting, you know, physically and emotionally and everything else. But imagine if we could also find areas of our day that refuel us, allowing us more of that peace. And that's the observation part of this where you're seeing and you're enjoying the challenge of accepting and appreciating where your child is on a particular day.

22:40Melani Ladygo:or then maybe you are seeing them achieve something they've been working on. And all of these things that to me would have been unnoticeable, not something to cherish, they become little wins in the day that kind of get you through a lot of the other stuff or help make it a little more palatable. But there's still going to be days when it's just impossible and hard to be unruffled and all of those.

23:06Janet Lansbury:Yes, I definitely say that this work makes parenting or being with children easier. But this is human relationships and we all get tired and we all get overwhelmed and we all have days, babies included, where things just aren't clicking the way they need to click. And we don't always stay in connection. But when you have this framework to fall back on, there's more opportunities to catch those moments because you're looking for them. And just being able to be able to like admit you're in the struggle.

23:36Melani Ladygo:I mean, this is one of the things I started doing with my children. If there would be a diaper change or something that was just seeming impossible and they were pushing back and it just wasn't working. And I was trying to do all the things, you know, be respectful and slow it down and let them be a part of it. And they just weren't having it. And just being able to say, which I did from time to time, this is really a disaster. We are just not working together here. This is awful. What's going on? But to be able to throw your hands up and go, all right, you know, sometimes we're just not going to get along very well.

24:20Janet Lansbury:Well, and that's such like a real thing. And it's a reset. It's like a discharge for you. and it's authentic with them, I think it kind of brings you both back to the moment, right, of connection. And then maybe it'll work. The diaper change will flow after that. Maybe not, but you've had that moment of connection.

24:39Melani Ladygo:Yeah. You've put it out there and you've released yourself of this thing of, oh, I got to pull it together and I got to get this working and all that tension that we do to ourselves, you know, because we think that's our job. and our job is to be ourselves. Our job is to let our babies be themselves and give ourselves permission to be who we are. And, you know, I loved Magda Gerber's thing of, you know, it's two in the morning and you're going in for that feeding or your toddler woke up and is having a bad dream. You don't have to come in perky and you get to be your tired, grumpy self. You don't want to try to take it out on them, but we get to be exhausted and what is it?

25:22Janet Lansbury:Just like how you would be in any other authentic relationship, right? Like if you have a house guest who's like, I need this and I need that. You're not going to go in, here you go. You know, you might be like, what is it this time? And just be real. Like it's two in the morning, man. Let me, here's your water. Yeah.

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27:04Melani Ladygo:Every child learns to read eventually, but the path there isn't the same for every child. For some kids, it just clicks. For others, it can be a daily struggle. A lot of parents watch that struggle and they worry. Are they falling behind? Is this dyslexia? Here's the good news. There's a way forward. The Reading Guru provides live one-on-one online tutoring with Orton-Gillingham certified teachers. Reading Guru tutors are master literacy specialists trained in Orton-Gillingham, the research-backed gold standard for helping children with dyslexia and other reading challenges. Every lesson is tailored to your child's specific strengths, struggles, and even their interests.

27:43Melani Ladygo:They don't rush the process. They don't move on until it truly clicks. That kind of individualized attention can change the whole trajectory. And it's exactly the kind of support families deserve. Whether your child has been frustrated for years or you're just beginning to notice the signs, with the right support, reading can finally start to make sense. Visit readingguru.com to sign up for a free consultation. Because every child deserves to crack the reading code. readingguru.com

28:13Janet Lansbury:When you said free to be ourselves, I think about the reflection a lot of parents have about the impulses that come up for themselves. And the thing that Rai gives you is the opportunity to pause and choose. Do you want to react or respond? because a lot of our reactions are like, you know, kind of knee jerk from the way we were raised or the way society tells you that we should be with other people. And, you know, I'll never forget this one mom. She had a really powerful daughter and her daughter knew her mind. She's, she knew what she wanted to do and how she wanted to do it. And her mom loved that except for when she got in the rocking boat and wouldn't let anybody else in the rocking boat.

29:00Janet Lansbury:She wanted to be in that boat by herself. And you know, it's built for multiple children. And so that mom had the hardest time with her daughter saying no to other children getting in the boat. And, you know, I talked to her about it and I said, it's perfectly fair for her to want to be in the boat by herself. I would want to be in the boat by myself sometimes too. And we want her to be able to notice what that no is doing to other people. And after a couple of times of this, I noticed that she was crying a little bit. We talked about it and she said, I realized like, I feel like I always give up what I want when someone else wants it.

29:43Janet Lansbury:And I don't want that for my child. I want my child to decide if I want to be the only person in the boat, I want to feel comfortable being that only person in the boat and not feel like just because someone else is saying, I want it too, that I have to automatically just acquiesce and let someone else in the boat. Yes, I want you to be someone who's out in the world, who's kind and who shares, but I also want you to be someone who can take care of your own needs.

30:10Melani Ladygo:Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I don't think I would keep the other kids away though.

30:14Janet Lansbury:I mean - No, I didn't keep the other kids away.

30:16Melani Ladygo:I would be there spotting. And first of all, I can totally understand wanting to be in the rocking boat alone, because somebody moves it every time you're just trying to get balanced in it. And then somebody else, you know, changes that, you know, you're not going to feel any kind of sense of control. But I think like very much allowing that point of view and encouraging that point of view, I would still allow the children to decide for themselves if they want to go up against that. And if they do, I'm not going to let her push them off. You know, I'm going to have my hand there so she can't hurt them or physically keep them from getting in.

30:50Melani Ladygo:For me, the idea is that, yeah, your point of view is valid. So are these other children that want to get on. I'm not going to help them on. I'm not going to help you hold on to it, but I'm going to allow the children and you to figure that out with me. They're keeping everybody safe.

31:05Janet Lansbury:Just keeping everybody safe. And sometimes translating. I hear you saying no. And I hear you saying you really want to get in the boat with her. I hear that. And I see their space. No, I'm not going to let you. I'm not going to let you push. You can keep telling her, no, it's okay. Yeah, but you're neutral.

31:21Melani Ladygo:That's the hard thing. I think that's the hard thing for parents, especially if it's their child. If their child is one of the two children, like how hard is it to be neutral? But that's what we get to practice with this approach. And it helps with siblings. It makes all the difference with siblings, loving each other, getting along with each other, that they don't feel that we've made one into a villain and one into a victim in any situation or that we're more on somebody else's side. Right.

31:46Janet Lansbury:Because if you do come in and you litigate that, if you're like, now, now there's space for two and I'm going to hold the boat and this person can get in, then you are putting a judgment on it and you are, you're arbitrating it. And instead, what we're doing is teaching children to be wry with other children. We're letting them see the experience that the other person is having, because that is where true sharing is going to happen. And for you to be a truly empathetic and generous person, you have to understand what it feels like to be selfish a little bit. Because, spoiler alert, being selfish doesn't really feel that good.

32:25Janet Lansbury:You know, when you're the only one in the boat and you're protecting that boat and nobody else can get in and you're not enjoying the boat.

32:31Melani Ladygo:Or maybe if they get in and then you say, well, I'm going to get out. you know, then the people that were so insistent on getting in feel like, well, this is really, isn't that fun when she's not telling us not to get in here, you know, so everybody's learning something about how to be in relationships. I mean, that's why we get the children together in these classes. And, you know, most people don't have this kind of opportunity. I just have to say, most people, we do not have these communities, these like-minded people available for play groups and, you know, parents are maybe working outside the home all day and they can't give their child these experiences of getting to socialize in a way where there aren't other parents like judging them and feeling like they needed to do a certain thing.

33:17Melani Ladygo:And I think that is hard. But what this whole approach gives us is, well, it gives us first the understanding that for one thing, our relationship with our child is by far the most important teacher of social intelligence. And that we have complete control over, at least on our end, how we're navigating that. And then what we learn from these classes and what we can bring to parents even that aren't able to be in a situation like that is that your child is very capable of social exploring and problem solving and that maybe there are places you can allow them to do this and they can do it with their sibling as long as they have us to keep them safe.

33:59Janet Lansbury:That is the thing. And like the number one question is, how do I do this when I go to the park? How do I do this with my friend when they come over? You know, my answer is depending on your comfort level, try. Say, well, let's see what happens or I'm watching this and I wonder what she'll do. I wonder what will happen if we kind of, you know, just let them kind of work this out. Sometimes, maybe unfortunately, most of the time, you're going to get somebody who looks at you like, you are 100 % crazy. Like, I need to teach my kid to share. And this is what's going to happen. But you might get someone who pauses back and recognizes, oh, I could do this in a slightly different way.

34:39Janet Lansbury:And that's how you can start to grow your network of people. And it's low stakes, you know, only do it when you feel comfortable. But I've definitely had people who knew nothing about rye, but had an interaction like that at a play date or in a park and said, oh, I want to know more about that because they see it out in the world. And I think that's what we need more of is people modeling this just in little interactions.

35:09Melani Ladygo:Definitely. One thing I used to do a lot, and it actually helped me build confidence in myself with this approach with my children is that I would just go up and be, you know, what I call the buddy guard. I'd just be up next to my child to make sure my child's not taking something away from this other child or whatever. But I would interpret like we do in class with my hand there to block things. Oh, you know, you really want what he's using and you want to keep that for yourself, of course, that you brought that here. Just doing that thing of being neutral and allowing the children to experience the conflict.

35:44Melani Ladygo:And oftentimes what happens is they do find a solution. It's not the one we would find for them where we'd say, okay, give him a turn and now you do it. And, you know, oftentimes nobody wants it and they both go off and do something else or they're, you know, interested in following each other or, you know, or maybe the child does give it to the other child or your child decides that they see something else interesting to do. You know, they find their ways of resolving it. And a lot of times it is a way that actually brings them both more together in my experience, but, you know, not always. I think we have to be open to everything.

36:18Melani Ladygo:I mean, that's the whole thing of letting kids problem solve is that it's a big surprise how it works out every time. You can't dictate it.

36:26Janet Lansbury:Yeah, you're right. It works out more often than you would expect, but it's not foolproof. We all make mistakes in our relationships and especially young children are going to make a lot of mistakes because they're learning and they're processing and their brains are developing. And so it's so not a hands-off approach. It's such an approach where you are really present and keeping boundaries, but also not solving.

36:52Melani Ladygo:Yeah. And what you find is that it does end up benefiting you because you have a child that's more confident going into situations and solving all kinds of problems.

37:02Janet Lansbury:Yeah. The thing about that childcare center that I worked at, it was in a pretty affluent place. So it was from birth to school age. And it was so interesting to me because when children were ready to enter the quote unquote real world of school from this child care center, they went in many different directions. You know, there were some that went to very progressive schools. There are some that went to very traditional schools, some that went to very rigid and academic schools, some did unschooling. But the feedback that we would get from all of these different types of schools didn't matter.

37:38Janet Lansbury:was they were like, oh, we are always so glad to get a child from this program. Because what this program was really focused on was exactly that, letting children figure out how to be in relationship with other children. Because, I mean, children, when their brains are ready for those academics, they need to have the social pieces kind of worked out. And that's what Rye really helps children do in those early years. But honestly, that's what we all need in all of our lives, is that the social pieces worked out so that we can survive and thrive.

38:10Melani Ladygo:100%. Yeah. Well, while you're on this podcast, I know there are early childhood educators that listen and people that want to start programs in home childcare or center-based childcare. And maybe they'd like to attend the Rye conference online, which is coming up in just a few weeks. And if you use the code UNRUFFLED, you can get$50 off your registration.

38:34Janet Lansbury:Absolutely. It's a really wonderful opportunity to kind of dip your toe into all things Rye because unlike our courses where they're like, we're going to teach you exactly what the approach is, what happens at the conference is you get to really see all the many, many different ways that this work can be applied. So you really get to see, you know, how does it work in a classroom? We have one workshop about how do you offer free play, but also be in alignment with any EYC, you know, documentation standards. And, you know, we've got like, how do you solve conflict with Rye and through play? And it's just like a smorgasbord of hearing the different ways people can put this work into practice.

39:20Melani Ladygo:Yeah, I always think of it as like similar to a smorgasbord. Maybe it's the same thing, but I think of it like a banquet that you could feast on as a parent and as a professional in childcare, it's all there for you. And it's like, wow, you do feel very satiated at the end, like, because it's about us. It's about us and our children. So there's always a ton to explore. The theme this year is play and you have Peter Gray as the main speaker, which should be phenomenal.

39:48Janet Lansbury:I sat down to read his book, knowing that he was going to be coming. And I don't have a lot of time to sit down and read. But I got through half of his book like in one sitting because I saw so many threads. You know, just like Magda said in one of Rye's films, Seeing Infants with New Eyes, she said when she's talking about this approach to professionals, they say, well, what you're doing makes so much sense. I do it with a five-year-old or four-year-old or, you know, maybe a two and a half-year-old as long as the child could speak. I just wouldn't think about doing it with infants. When I read Peter's book, it was like, oh my gosh, you are practicing rye with older children.

40:27Janet Lansbury:So it's just, it's really exciting to see that through line.

40:31Melani Ladygo:Yeah.

40:32Janet Lansbury:The other thing that I tell people, especially like people who are not in a place where they have like a class that they can go to, where you feel like you're practicing this at home by yourself, it does offer a really awesome community. It's just wonderful to be around other like-minded people that are, that get it. And so even if you're coming online, you know, just connecting and just, you know, seeing that there is a wider world out there of people who see babies the way you do.

40:59Melani Ladygo:I think we're all struggling for that sense of community. I mean, even before the pandemic, but certainly since then, it seems like it's still hard to feel as connected to people. And this is another way to do that. Love it. Again, everybody, if you want to go to the Rye site, Rye.org and register for the conference, you can get$50 off with the code UNRUFFLED. And I hope it's a huge success. Until then, let's say goodbye and hopefully talk again very soon.

41:30Janet Lansbury:I would love to. Thank you so much for this opportunity. Thank you, Melanie. This podcast is supported by Midi Health. Are you in midlife feeling dismissed, unheard, or just plain tired of the old healthcare system? You're not alone. In fact, even today, 75 % of women seeking care for menopause and perimenopause issues are left entirely untreated. But it's time for a change. It's time for MIDI. MIDI is not just a health care provider. It's a women's telehealth clinic founded and supported by world-class leaders in women's health. Their clinicians provide one-on-one, face-to-face consultations where they truly listen to your unique needs.

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