Is Porn Getting in the Way of Your Sex Life?

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1:14That's A-I-R-S, shopsexwithemily.com slash Ayers. I'll put the link in the show notes too.

1:25He satisfies my needs sexually, but he likes that porn star sex, and I'm not into that. It kind of feels like I find myself sometimes crying afterward because I just feel like I was just confused.

1:37Emily Morse: Okay, well, let me tell you why this guy. How old is this guy? He is 44. Okay, well, let me tell you why he likes porn star sex, because that's the only sex he's ever had. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Let's talk about porn, people. In my opinion, porn isn't inherently good or bad. It's your relationship to it that matters. Sexy media can be used for inspiration, education, even healthy arousal, but you can also become dependent on it for sexual stimulation, and it just might have a negative impact on you or your relationship in the process.

2:17Emily Morse: So on today's show, I'm taking your calls to help you find a healthy balance. She's worried her boyfriend depends on porn for arousal and isn't attracted to her anymore. What now? He's married and wants to watch porn with his wife, but how should he broach the subject? Finally, her father was a porn addict and now she's worried her boyfriend might be too. I give her communication tips to ease the anxiety. All this and more on today's porn show. Before we jump in, make sure you're following me everywhere. It's at sexwithemily on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook. For even more sex and relationship advice and more resources, go to sexwithemily.com.

2:56Emily Morse: Sign up for my free weekly newsletter. I hear I give a really good newsletter. Shop my curated sexual wellness products and pics at shopsexwithemily.com and explore hundreds of articles, download free guides, and everything you need to have the best sex ever. And one more thing, I'm taking Sex with Emily on the road. My new live show, The Best Sex Ever Tour, is coming to cities across the country. It's basically live coaching meets comedy meets audience Q &A, and we are getting into it. There has been magic happening in these rooms. You just have to come experience it. There's real conversations about sex and dating and relationships, and we become very close by the end of the night.

3:38Emily Morse: Visit sexwithemily.com slash events for dates and tickets. And thanks for listening or watching and for being here. And thanks for prioritizing your pleasure. All right, everyone. Enjoy this episode.

4:00Emily Morse: This is from Stephanie. I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years now, and I feel like he secretly watches porn to get hard. I'm not sure if he still gets turned on by me, and it's made me feel as if he's unattracted to me. Does him watching porn make our sex less enjoyable? I also feel like I want to have sex a lot of the time, but I can't find a way to satisfy myself effectively. Please advise what I should do, and if this is normal, should I be worried? All right, the porn conversation. Is he secretly watching porn? Porn is a whole conversation. So I understand that feeling, and she doesn't say how old she is, But there is a certain feeling that if we find out our partner watches porn or it's a secret thing, I mean, that's a problem.

4:44Emily Morse: But I think we should just make the assumption that we're all sort of watching porn first off. And why do we have to keep it a secret? And I think that it's because I think a lot of times we get judgment from our partners. And I was that person. I used to think that if my partner was watching porn, it was so confusing to me because I thought he meant that he wasn't attracted to me anymore. I'm like, of course he wants me to look like the woman in the porn. And that means that I'm not attractive and it was so confusing, but there's like a learning curve here. Does him watching porn make our sex enjoyable?

5:16Emily Morse: I don't think that him watching porn is making it less enjoyable. What I'm concerned about, Stephanie, is your enjoyment. You're saying that you want to have sex all the time, but you can't find a way to satisfy yourself effectively. Do you know this is, and this I think is the real part of the question here is that how you satisfy yourself effectively is to practice satisfying yourself. So if he's watching porn, are you masturbating? Are you figuring out what feels good too? Maybe you should watch porn. I didn't understand at the point where I made these assumptions that that's what it meant, but it doesn't mean that because people are going to watch porn in relationships and out of relationships.

5:49Emily Morse: And it's part of actually being sexually healthy is masturbating. And I think it's important that we all feel comfortable masturbating. I feel like I don't have to tell men that as often. Men are usually like, I'm good. I got this. With women, there's still some shame or maybe it's just we don't have experience masturbating because it's not modeled as heavily in society. You know, male masturbation is like glorified in many ways. Like, oh, of course he's going to masturbate. But women, oh, we're not supposed to touch ourselves. But that's what I would love to see is more of a celebration of it.

6:16Emily Morse: So you feel more comfortable, Stephanie. So I would say, first off, you don't need me to be worried. What I'm concerned with is you figuring out what feels good to you. And don't expect that it's just going to come through penetration. Because in this email, it seems like it's very focused on your partner and what he's doing. and then your second question was how do I get turned on or how do I get satisfied? Now if you are masturbating and you are having orgasms, then you got to have a talk with them and say, this is what I need. This is what turns me on because our partners are not mind readers.

6:45Emily Morse: That's another mistake that a lot of us make. We're like, well, I thought he would know. She should have known that I want this. He should have known how to make me orgasm. How would he know? How does she know what you like? Everyone's different. You know, a lot of people assume that every partner wants the same thing. Like, I'm great at oral sex. My last partner loved this move. Well, guess what? Your current partner, we can't assume they like this move. Okay, let's talk to Nidra 47 in the Bay Area. Hi, Nidra. Thanks for calling. I'm called because I enjoy your talk show. You're very informative.

7:18But my issue is this. I'm 47 years old. I've never been married. I'm a single mom to a teenager. But I don't anticipate I'm going to get married in the future. because as a black woman, you know, the statistics are stacked against me for that. So what I'm trying to figure out is how to navigate single life with sex partners that don't treat me like a cum dispenser, you know?

7:39Emily Morse: Oh, wow. Neat. So loaded. There's so much to unpack here. Oh, wow. You just said so much. First off, I feel that we've got to do a little attitude change here because for you just saying, you just put that out there like, oh, black women, no one's going to want to marry them statistically. Black women after the age of 40 have more of a chance of getting struck by lightning versus getting married. And a few years ago, there was a lightning storm out here in two houses down, lightning struck. Okay, but Nidra, you are not setting yourself up for success here at all. What were the chances of me 15 years ago becoming the world's leading sex expert when I was having terrible sex and faking orgasms?

8:16True.

8:17Emily Morse: Okay? Yeah. Yeah, like 10 years ago, I sold everything I owned and I live in a friend's couch. And I'm sitting here talking to you about your sex life. So there's a lot of shit that goes down that doesn't make any sense. So I'm just, we got to change this whole attitude around. Cause I, I feel like you're a strong, smart woman. I have a, you're 47. My friends are all 47 and they're, a lot of them are single. Some are married and they're finding love. It's attitude and it's visual, visualizing what you want. But if you're going into it, like I'm a cum dispenser and no guy's going to want me. That's just where we got to start.

8:49I'm just talking about my current sex life. I understand. I've been a cum dispenser too.

8:55Emily Morse: I've been there. I get you, girl. That's what I'm telling you. I understand. But I want you to just be like. I don't have the attitude that I can just have sex with a man and not have any emotions. Eventually I get emotional and then it becomes awkward and then I just like. Okay. But that's been your history. So historically, like if you take a sexual history, you've been with men and you fall in love right after you get attached, which is very common for a lot of women. Many women are like, no, I cannot have casual sex. that is not for me I feel very bad the next day so that's fine so now we know casual sex isn't for you my next question is how are you finding these guys right now I just meet them randomly okay if I used to have a profile you know I tried online dating before and I met guys through them but you know my main issue is that I've been sleeping with this one guy that I've known for a long time and I used to have a huge crush on him back in school but it was unrequited so you know he He satisfies my needs sexually, but he likes that porn star sex, and I'm not into that.

9:56It kind of feels like I find myself sometimes crying afterward because I just feel like I was just used.

10:03Emily Morse: Okay, well, let me tell you why this guy, how old is this guy? He is 44. Okay, well, let me tell you why he likes porn star sex, because that's the only sex he's ever had. He's never had anyone say to him, you know what? This is what actually feels good to me. This is what I'm into. he's probably you know just when watching porn the last 15 years and that's the way that they've gotten men have gotten wired now to have sex in that way and then the women they have sex with who are a little bit younger than we are who like just grew up on porn they are now having sex like porn stars because they don't know how else to have sex so it's kind of a mess but what I can tell you Neidra if you like this guy you could be the best thing ever happened because you could say you know what I I'm want to show you some things that really turned me on like this is what I'm into.

10:48Emily Morse: Like, I really like oral sex. I want to dress sexy. I want to slow down. I want slow sex. Like, like ask for what you want. Like otherwise, that's going to keep pounding away at you like jackhammer and come to Spencer and all that. But until you advocate for what you want, what feels good to you, they don't know any different. And that's the reason why I'm not having sex, because I advocate for what I want. But I just feel as though the lovers I've been with have been selfish. There are many selfish lovers out there. I'm telling you, I've been with so many selfish lovers and I used to just kind of like just assume that's how they all were.

11:22Emily Morse: But I realized that many of them appear as selfish, but it's because they've never been educated around understanding that it's so satisfying to be a connected, intimate lover with a woman and a female orgasm and to give her pleasure and to be in to watch that happen is like this beautiful thing and they just don't know because they were never schooled on how to actually give an orgasm how to give a pleasure so so he probably thinks you're enjoying it because everyone else pretended they enjoyed it that's why like every guy says oh every woman i'm with has an orgasm no they don't they're just fake it probably or like you know i'm saying so you need to be the one that they can speak up and let them know what you're into that's all like i'm telling you i used to live in the Bay Area.

12:06Emily Morse: I know these guys. We might have slept with some of the same guys. They don't know any better. And I used to think it was my fault. I was like, I'm broken. I'm not having orgasms. Sex isn't great. Like, what's my problem? Then I realized, oh, it's not just me. Nobody knows how to have great sex. Nobody knows how to communicate around sex. I used to think that it was just up to men. I thought that men knew more than I did. So I would just kind of fake it and go along. I faked every orgasm. I faked everything. I was like, and guys make you're the best sex ever. I'm I'm like, yeah, okay, because I'm doing whatever you want because I don't know how.

12:41Emily Morse: So this is a great time at 47 years old. And I'm telling you, the more that you learn what feels good to you and how to express it to guys, your attitude around men is going to change and you won't even waste time with guys who aren't interested in learning and being great lovers to you. Young adults say that porn is their most helpful source of information about how to have sex. This is exactly why I feel like sometimes I should just stop doing the show for a few weeks and just develop a curriculum for young people ages 18 to 24 and tell them that porn is not the most source of information about how to have sex.

13:15Emily Morse: Young adults said porn was their most helpful source of how to have sex. Less than a quarter said that sexual partners were the most helpful. You guys, you don't understand that porn is not real. Porn is scripted. It is not reality. It is in no way meant to be a teacher. But I get it. This has been haunting me. It's when my friend's son called and he had a question for me and he's 17 years old. You know, he's in high school and he just very smart kid. He was like, I said, do you watch porn? And he said, yes, because he was having problems with his girlfriend. I said, but you understand that porn isn't real.

13:46Emily Morse: It's like learning to drive by watching Fast and the Furious. It's scripted. It's not real. He's like, okay, fine, fine, Emily. I will, I get it. Where do I go then to learn about sex? And of course, I direct people to the podcast and to my website. And there's a site called Scarleteen and there's a few other educational sites. But how do we make porn that just is enticing that is actually real, that's actually educational? It's just going to continue to fuck us up. It's still 18 to 24. They're saying that. It's just not real sex. You understand that even when you're watching porn, they're like cheating towards the camera.

14:21Emily Morse: They have makeup on all their body parts that you think look so perfect. You know, there's no warm up. There's no condoms. I don't know, is there lube? I haven't watched a lot of porn with lube in it. They don't laugh. It's not funny. Things don't happen that are weird and messy. It's just really worrisome that young adults consider porn as a helpful source of information. So that's why we need comprehensive sex education that teaches us sexual social skills. And you realize now from all of our people emailing and calling in, even that are 22, 32, they didn't have that either. So, you know, the one woman whose partner says, we have to have a threesome.

14:57Emily Morse: We have to have a threesome. I'm going to divorce you or whatever. It's like, let me be honest. I've had a lot of threesomes. Some are good, some aren't. They're not what you think. They're never what you fucking think. It's like, we think that that's going to be better because I'm tired of having sex with my partner. It's just going to be another person to deal with if you are not a great lover already and you don't understand the rules of sex and arousal. And I don't think it's the parents. That's why I want to develop a channel, the sex network, that's going to be just all this information for all of you.

15:23Emily Morse: Boys think more than girls that porn is a helpful source. I'm not knocking porn. You understand that I think that porn has its use and its utility and it's hot. It's really good to watch with a partner sometimes and get turned on together. But it is in no way where we're supposed to learn all the lessons. All right, don't go anywhere. After the break, I'm taking more calls about porn's role in fantasies and relationships.

15:56Emily Morse: welcome back everyone we've got an interesting call here from mark he's 32 in california and he's interested but a little unsure about bringing porn into his relationship hey mark how can i help been married for four years been with my wife for 10 um and you know ever since i've been listening to your show we definitely started exploring sex has been getting better and better i love it and i'd like to maybe bring porn into our sex life and what would you suggest or what um recommendations with you okay advice to me not being so comfortable or you know sometimes feeling not not that confidence of not being well endowed and you know it's like you know where it's it's my wife's first I'm her first couple.

16:41I mean, you know, partner, ex-partner. I've been I've been with multiple partners. So, you know, I feel pretty confident. But, you know, once you once you see what's what's out there, it's like, well, OK, well, hey.

16:54Emily Morse: No, that's what women think. Men think that all women are looking at penises as much as they are. And we're just not like we're not obsessed with your penis size like you are. So that I want you to know that that's number one. but number two like what what is it that um you can like vet the porn at a time too and make sure that you're you know looking at average size penises they're not all massive penises but also what's your why would you like to bring porn i'm curious has she brought it up have you um she you know we she's um not role play yeah kind of role play a little bit about talking about bringing a woman in into the mix okay and i think and i think she does it just to please me which is I mean, I love it, right?

17:36She does get kinky sometimes with other girls. So, I mean, could we ever get there? Maybe. Would I pursue it? If she would pursue it, I would say yes. But then, you know, if I'm afraid that she may come back and say, well, can we bring a male into the picture? And, you know, that would kind of freak me out. And I'd honestly straight out be probably we'd be against it. So it's, you know, I'm kind of like tiptoeing around. do I want to kind of open up that that door and you know set myself up

18:07Emily Morse: okay well okay so what I hear you're doing here is I see you kind of going on this future trip around it like I'm gonna bring porn and then she's gonna see there's other penises out there and they're bigger than mine and then she's gonna want to throw you some and then she's gonna bring a man in and and I get it Mark that all that stuff is real it's like is this gonna be a gateway to me decimating my sex life so Mark it sounds like you guys are having good sex right now you're in a good place you communicate well yes okay so i think really it's a matter of i mean finding some porn together that you both like really i would say you could search for some porn we like erica lust porn you do have to pay for but it's more like from a female gaze not necessarily the male gaze but maybe starting with the scenarios that you're talking about of a woman the threesome with bringing another woman in start with those and i did read your blogs and i think you you mentioned of some indie porn which is like not, you know, what you see out there that's, you know, crazy.

19:01It's very, very potential. I enjoy that. And I do want to present it. And who knows? Maybe part of me just will just pursue the just the girl on girl with her. I mean, just listen, one porn at a time and see how it goes.

19:15Emily Morse: If you go to work, we'll put that up for you on our website to Mark. Thanks so much for calling at sex with Emily dot com. We'll put up the article. You guys, if you have been to our website, we've got so many every day. We're posting blogs and things to help you better sex. We have one about great porn that you will enjoy that's sort of alt porn. This is from Lara 41 in Germany. Dear Dr. Emily, I discovered your podcast last year while listening to your Caller Daddy interview. I've learned so much from you ever since. You and your guests helped me understand my psychology and discover my sensuality.

19:43Emily Morse: Thank you very much. When I masturbate, I can only climax when thinking of some specific scenario. This scenario changes every few months and is about someone unknown who really craves rough sex with me. For context, I myself like slow, sensual sex with partners. This is not a bad problem in itself. However, when I relax, find a nice setting, use my magic wand, and get all excited and ready, I find myself needing to think of my rough fantasy to climax clitorily. I find many other things much hotter during real sex. So how could I direct my mind to think about something different? In the past, I watched a lot of porn and for a while I was always thinking of porn scenes while climaxing.

20:17Emily Morse: I overcame that, but would love to think of a real life scenario which excites me while I masturbate. This also poses an issue during partnered sex. I get super excited and super wet. I know my body and really feel everything, but the last mile to orgasm is very tricky because I find it hard to climax without thinking of the same rough scenario. Climaxing is an issue. What can I do to awaken my clitoris? I've tried using toys with partners whom I like and trust, etc. Thank you so much. All right, let's break this down. It sounds like you might not be accepting or have some judgment around the fact that you're unable to orgasm without fantasizing about rough sex.

20:52Emily Morse: And let me just say, there is nothing wrong with this. And I invite you to approach this in a different way, a reframe, if you will. You're having connected sex and you're turned on and you're wet. That's amazing. And now you simply like to find other ways to connect and climax and stay present to yourself and to a partner if you're with someone. So the first step to staying present is a practice I call mindful masturbation, which by the way, I go into depth in my new book, Smart Sex. And this is essentially about you're breathing a lot, you're touching yourself, you're going slow, and you're being mindful of all the sensations in your body.

21:27Emily Morse: So when you're doing this, for example, during masturbation, you're being mindful. When you're trying to be mindful and you're doing this practice, and remember, it's a practice because you might be thinking of many bad things, you might be thinking of rough sex, but all you have to do is bring yourself back to the present moment. Even if you go off and thinking about other things, back to the moment. When you come back to the moment, I want you to think about what are you feeling? Where are you feeling pleasure specifically? Do you feel it on the upper part of your clitoris? Do you feel it in your stomach?

21:53Emily Morse: Do you feel it in your nipples? What is turning you on from touch? And if you're alone, are you moving the magic wand to different places on your body? Does it feel better on your vulva? Which side of your clitoris? You know, which do you like it on your labia? These are all things I want you to pay attention to when you're trying to mindfully masturbate. Just get curious. This is how we really get to know our bodies better. How we have more pleasure and how eventually when we're really mindful and present during our masturbation practices, we can then explain to a partner. And now let's say you're with your partner and your mind keeps wandering.

22:21Emily Morse: Just bring it back to the present moment again. Use the five senses to anchor you. Circle around the five senses and you can start with your eyes. What am I seeing in the moment? Maybe you're seeing your partner's hot body. What are you hearing? Maybe it's the music in the background. What are you feeling? Maybe it's your hands on your partner's body. Meg, 26 in Oklahoma. I'll get right to it. I recently discovered a decade long, according to him, porn addiction in my boyfriend. I would wake up to him masturbating in porn in bed next to me frequently. After feeling disregarded sexually because of this, I addressed the uncomfortable way I felt when he would do it nightly next to me, even after we'd have sex.

22:58Emily Morse: My father was a sex and porn addict and was sexually abusive. So I know I'm sensitive to porn. I mean, insecurities associated with it. I wouldn't have this if I didn't have the child experience with my father. Do you have any advice about how to get over my discomfort with him watching porn and masturbating so frequently? I hate to feel so insecure and worry that the porn addiction will continue to be an issue and potentially deter us from getting engaged. All right, Meg, here's the thing about pornography in a relationship. First off, I love that you have already sort of done a little bit of digging into this and realize that it might not just be about your partner, but it's about your history.

23:36Emily Morse: and our personalities are a series of repeated behavioral patterns that we learned in childhood that now we just can't differentiate between them and know that they actually, their habits, their ways of thinking, their patterns of thought that got developed by something that was deeply ingrained in childhood. So of course, Meg, you would be feeling, you know, that your partner masturbating next to you would make you feel unsettled and threatened and unsafe. And so, So, you know, my advice would be first is to have a talk with your partner. You know, I would say timing, turf, and tone. You want to be at the right time.

24:14Emily Morse: You don't want to do it when you're stressed or when you're angry or when you're hungry. And you want to do it at the right place, not in the bedroom. Not like, you know, I wouldn't tell Meg that the second she wakes up, he's masturbating again to say, why are you doing that again and getting mad at him? That is not the right time. In fact, the bedroom is not the right time. You want to do it outside the bedroom. and then your tone. It's not accusatory. It's not blaming. It's not shaming. It's like, Hey, I thought we could talk about something that's come up for me lately. And so this is what I would say to you, Megan, say something in the effect of, you know, I know we've, you know, talked about this before, but it sounds like she's addressed it.

24:49Emily Morse: You have to say, I've really been thinking about this. And when I wake up at night and you're masturbating and watching porn, it makes me feel unsafe. It makes me feel disregarded. It makes me feel like I am not desirable. And I don't think that you're doing this on purpose. I know that you love me, but my history, and you could go into it, this happened with my family. And I know that this isn't something that you wouldn't want to hurt me. And then let them talk and ask them for a solution. First off, before we try to solve it, remember a conversation is not a monologue, It's a dialogue. And so you say, so what do you think about that?

25:26Emily Morse: Remember, if this isn't a practice of yours, a common practice, your partner might get defensive. Even if you said it in the nicest way, calm way, not, you know, calm and casually and curious, that's the other thing. You want to be curious. But then you have to keep going back to this is how it makes me feel. Because they may say, well, that's crazy. You want me to stop masturbating? And you say, no. What I really want is to let you know how I feel about it and try to see if we can come up with a solution. So that would be the first thing. because if, if he wants to masturbate, he could go to the bathroom.

25:56Emily Morse: He could go in the other room. That might be a place to start. I'd be annoyed to be woken up if I was sleeping when I'm sleeping. I am so glad I'm sleeping. Like if you want to masturbate, just go to the other room. So that's part of it for me. I'd be like, this is waking me up. I got to wake up in three hours, but the discomfort with porn, that's a whole nother conversation too. Because when I was 24 years old, I remember finding porn or my boyfriend was watching porn and I and I remember feeling so Hurt and so confused by it because I thought we were having this Really great relationship that I was feeling sexually awakened and we were so in love and into each other and I I felt that he was cheating.

26:33Emily Morse: It felt like cheating It felt that he wanted me to look like the women he was watching in porn Like he wanted me to be clearly he wants to date a blonde. He wants me to have larger breasts So I thought it's me. And then you realize that actually porn watching is probably the most typical normal. When I say normal, when it comes to sex, it's like statistically speaking, most people I know, men especially, are going to watch porn. They watch porn in a relationship, out of a relationship. It's actually a stress reliever and it can actually be healthy to relieve that stress. To masturbate is not a, it's actually a very healthy thing for all of us.

27:10Emily Morse: and so once I started to understand that it wasn't taking away from me but it's just a behavioral pattern a habit that we're going to do in and out of a relationship and that it's actually important to masturbate when you're in a relationship thanks for listening to sex with emily was it good for you follow me on all social media sex with emily you can also check out my website sex with emily.com and please subscribe to the podcast which is available on all podcast platforms as I head into my 21st year you can find them all. Also, I'm going on tour. If you want to check it out, go to sexwithemily.com slash events.

27:44And don't forget to check out our website for all my favorite sexual health and wellness products and subscribe to our newsletter. Thanks everyone for listening.