Women’s Vaginas at 20 vs. 40

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0:34Emily Morse: What actually happens to a woman's sex life between her 20s and her 40s? Does it feel different? Does she get turned on differently? Does she want sex less? Does she want more sex? And here's what I think a lot of men really want to know. Does sex get worse as women get older? Well, you might be surprised by the answer. Now, I've talked to women who say they're having the best sex of their lives in their 40s, 50s, and beyond. So today we're talking about what actually changes in women's bodies, what's normal, and what you need to know to be a better sexual partner. I'm Dr. Emily Morris, host of the award-winning Sex with Emily podcast.

1:10Emily Morse: I have helped millions of people like you have better sex and deeper connections. And today we're clearing up some of the biggest misconceptions about women's bodies and women's desire. Okay, before we jump into today's episode, I want to let you know that I put together a curated list of products to support some of what we're talking about in today's show. And these are really cutting-edge products I'm really excited and I'm using and loving right now. So we've got Skin Genuity Airs. It's now a hormone-free intimate serum made with growth factors to support your vaginal tissue and involve our health.

1:44We've got Playground. They have a great intimate wash. And Vilisi, which is an FDA-approved prescription treatment for women struggling with low sexual desire. I actually recorded the episode and thought, I want to give you my favorite products. You know, I just love that we're seeing more innovation in sexual wellness with real options for our bodies, our health, and our pleasure. You can find everything linked in the show notes or go to sexwithemily.com slash women slash health.

2:19Emily Morse: Number one, her 20s. Young doesn't mean great sex. So there's this assumption that when women are young, everything just works. They're naturally horny, they're easily aroused, and like sex is supposed to be incredible. But let me tell you something. A lot of women I've talked to over the years tell me their 20s were some of the most confusing sexual years. They didn't know what they liked. They didn't know how to ask for what they wanted. They were worried about what their bodies looked like. you know, their body count, all these things that we should not worry about. And yes, a lot of them were faking orgasms, including myself in my 20s.

2:52Emily Morse: Not necessarily because their partners were like terrible and bad, but because they were still trying to figure out what pleasure actually felt like for them. And nobody ever taught them. Maybe they had shame around masturbation, so they never really took time figuring out their own body. If they were like me, I thought that men somehow knew how to please me and that they were going to show me what I liked because I never had sex education and I think that's still happening with a lot of women right now. I was hoping it was change but women in their 20s are just like I have no idea. I'm faking it.

3:23Emily Morse: I'm performative. And here's something I wish more men understood. Just because she's having sex with you doesn't mean she's having the same sexual experience you're having. You might think everything is going great because you're having sex three times a week. You're always having an orgasm. Meanwhile, she's thinking, is this it? Is this really what sex is supposed to feel like? And maybe she's not telling you because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Or more likely she's thinking like something's wrong with her because she's not being turned on or having orgasms. And you know what we learn in porn, like isn't what we actually, is actually happening.

3:59Or maybe she's not as lubricated. Like she feels like she's turned on but not wet, or she's wet and not turned on. So you just need to know that whatever her body's doing, it doesn't mean she's not attracted to you. So her physical response and subjective arousal don't always match. And I want men to understand the distinction because otherwise,

4:17Emily Morse: I've seen this so many times, you start interpreting what's happening in her body as like a verdict on you, and it's not. Okay, let's talk about orgasms. Now, most women do not reliably orgasm from penetration alone. And that's true whether she's 22 or 62. So if you're having penetration-focused sex and assuming she's getting everything she needs, you might be missing a huge part of her pleasure. I'm telling you, only 20 % of women are going to orgasm during penetration, so most do not. So what you need to know is don't assume that she's young or maybe she seems sexually confident or knows what she likes.

4:53You can't assume that. And don't assume because you've had an orgasm, the sex was equally satisfying for both of you. You've got to ask questions. Tell me what feels good. You know, ask her what she wants more of. Is there something she's curious

5:06Emily Morse: to try? And you got to make it comfortable for her to give you an honest answer. And also in her 20s, she might never have done a lot of exploring. I remember guys asking me this in my 20s. They were like, does this feel good to you? And I'd be like, yeah, everything you're doing feels good. Because I knew if I didn't like it, they'd be like, well, what else do you want? And I had no idea. So really, she might just not know. Okay? She might not know. She might need some time slowing down and a partner who really seems invested in helping her learn her body and her pleasure. And for a lot of women, that does get easier with age, which brings us to the 30s.

5:42Emily Morse: All right. Her 30s, more confident, perhaps, but different challenges. So something really interesting can happen is when we move into their 30s, they might start feeling much more comfortable in their bodies, they might have had more experience, they know what they like, and they're more willing to speak up. Or maybe they're just no longer having sex just to please somebody else. I would love that happened earlier, but I'm seeing this happen in the 30s. Now, that can be so freeing. But the 30s can also be a time when life gets really complicated. Maybe her career's gotten much more intense. Maybe she's stressed.

6:16Emily Morse: Maybe she's in a long-term relationship, not sure where it's going, looking for the one, maybe she's pregnant, childbirth, breastfeeding, raising kids. Like all of these things changes someone's sexual experience. Like let's just talk about what happens after having a baby because I get so many questions from men about this. Before the baby, maybe you were having sex really regularly, right? Your sex life was incredible. There were no complaints. There was nothing to talk about. And then the baby arrives and yeah, your life has changed and you're wondering, when is our sex life getting back? When are we going to be able to have sex again?

6:51And then she's feeling the pressure because she just had a whole human come out of her vagina. And she's like, I in no way feel like having sex again. And for a while. So then the baby arrives and like six months later, you're wondering, when are we getting back to our sex life? And meanwhile, she's exhausted. She's breastfeeding. You know, that can lower estrogen and cause vaginal driveness. I mean, or maybe her pelvic floor chains, you know, and then penetration feels uncomfortable. And then on top of that, she's been taking care of another human being all day. So by the time you get into bed, the last thing she may want is somebody else needing something from her body.

7:28And that is true. She doesn't want someone else hanging off her body. And you might be thinking, well, gosh, she's not attracted to me anymore. But that's not necessarily what's happening. She's adjusting to an enormous physical and emotional change. And this is exactly where couples get into trouble, okay?

7:48Emily Morse: One person feels rejected, the other feels pressured, and instead of talking about it actually happening, they're making assumptions. Now, I want to make something clear. Not every woman has a baby in her 30s, and not every woman who has a baby experiences these changes. But whether it's motherhood or just extreme stress from, you know, work, bills, finances, maybe she's on a new medication or something else, the bigger lesson is the same. Her sexual needs can change even when her feelings about you haven't. So what you guys need to know is if your partner has recently had a baby, don't make the conversation about when things are going to get back to normal.

8:24Emily Morse: We always want to get back to some other place in our lives, but in a relationship, but our sex lives are constantly changing and we're constantly relearning each other. So maybe ask what kind of touch feels good right now? Does she want to be held? Does she want to be kissed? Does she need some time to herself? And listen, if penetration is painful, don't just keep trying and hope it gets better. You know, it's important for her to also go see a health care provider, maybe a pelvic floor physical therapist. You can totally be a supportive partner without trying to solve everything. You know, sometimes what makes someone feel more interested in intimacy is actually really interesting.

9:03It's knowing that there isn't the expectation to have sex, that there isn't this pressure, that when you say to her, you know what? It's okay. Let's take some time. Let me know when you're ready. Let's still stay connected. Maybe I can give you a foot rub, right? Maybe I could massage. Maybe I could help you around the house. Sometimes those things, or let me help you with your stress, might help her feel more relaxed and might make her feel like she's in the mood. So just when we take the focus off of like, when are we going to have sex? And you focus on all the other things,

9:37Emily Morse: you might find even much deeper intimate connection. And if you have a question for me, I want to hear it. Just head to sexwithemily.com slash ask to submit your questions, grab some guides, and help you find more resources to help you have your best sex ever. All right, let's move into her 40s. Why is her body going to respond differently? Well, let's talk about perimenopause. And then if you're with a woman in her 40s or even her late 30s, this is something you should know about. Perimenopause is a transition leading up to menopause. So this can last anywhere from 8 to 15 years. And it often begins in a woman's 40s, but it can start earlier.

10:16Emily Morse: So during this time, hormones, including estrogen, fluctuate. And for some women, those fluctuations affect everything. From sleep, to her mood, to her vaginal comfort, to her sexual arousal. Here's what it may look like in the bedroom. Now, maybe she used to get wet pretty quickly and now she doesn't. That could happen for a whole host of reasons. Could be new medications she's taking. But anyway, that could just happen in the 40s or 30s or any time. Maybe a physician that used to feel amazing suddenly feels uncomfortable. And she's still attracted to you, wants to be close to you, but it might just take her longer to get physically aroused.

10:56Or maybe she's exhausted because she's been waking up in the middle of the night with hot flashes. And when you're not sleeping well, well, it can be pretty hard to feel interested in sex.

11:06Emily Morse: Trust. Now, none of this happens to every single woman. And some women barely notice changes and other experience significant symptoms. So I just want to be careful here because we can't blame every change in a woman's sex drive on hormones. You know, it could be so many things. Stress, anxiety, you know, relationship dynamics, her physical health. Like, is she working out, taking care of herself, her emotional well-being? Like, everything plays a role in our sex lives. but here's what I really want men to hear. If your partner's body starts responding differently, please don't make it immediately about her attraction to you and how she feels about you.

11:39I've heard from so many couples who get caught in this cycle and he's thinking, oh, she doesn't want me anymore. What did I do? And she's thinking, what the hell is wrong with my body? It's not reacting the way I want it to. I don't feel sexy in my body anymore. And like nobody understands what, neither one of you understand what's happening. And so you start avoiding sex or that you're having sex that just isn't satisfying. And what you really need here is a conversation and possibly some support.

12:06Emily Morse: So they start avoiding sex or having sex that isn't particularly satisfying when what they really need is a conversation. I know that doesn't sound sexy, but the conversation always helps and possibly some support. I mean, if she's experienced vaginal dryness or discomfort, some lubrication might help. If she's having persistent symptoms, there are treatments available. So basically, you just need to know she doesn't have to accept painful sex as just a part of getting older. Okay? Well, let's talk about desire for a minute because there's another piece that is so important. Spontaneous versus responsive desire.

12:39Emily Morse: Now, a lot of people think desire is supposed to work like this. You're sitting on the couch, you look at your partner, and suddenly you want to have sex. That's spontaneous desire. And for some people, that is how it works, especially early in a relationship when everything is new and exciting. But for other people, desire doesn't show up until something pleasurable is already happening. Maybe you're already kissing. You're having a really great conversation together. Maybe you're already enjoying a massage and then you feel desire. Maybe you're feeling relaxed and connected and then suddenly you start thinking, oh, this actually feels good.

13:12I might want more. Well, that's responsive desire. And listen,

13:17Emily Morse: this can happen at any age, not just during perimenopause. We need to understand desire and arousal at all ages. But I want to be very clear. This doesn't mean having sex you don't want and hoping you'll eventually get into it. And it doesn't mean desire doesn't always have to come first. Sometimes arousal and pleasure can come before desire, especially when someone's really comfortable and interested in choosing to explore. So just pay attention to the way it shows up. So what I really want men to know, if your partner doesn't immediately seem interested in sex, it doesn't automatically mean she has no desire for you.

13:52Emily Morse: And the answer isn't, believe me, it's not to pressure her, to guilt trip her, to make her feel bad. It's to understand what helps her feel relaxed, connected, and open to pleasure. Maybe she just needs more time. Maybe it's a different kind of stimulation. Or maybe it's talking about something that's made her feel uncomfortable. And maybe it's realizing that the way you initiated sex 10 years ago doesn't work for her anymore. Which brings us to menopause and beyond. All right. Now, sex does not have an expiration date. Can we please stop acting like a woman's sex life ends at menopause? Because, well, it's just not true.

14:28Emily Morse: I mean, I hear from women all the time in their 50s and 60s and beyond, and they say they're having the most satisfying sex of their lives ever. And that should not be surprising. I mean, if you think about it, they've had decades to figure out what they enjoy. They know how to ask for what they want in every area of their life. And maybe they're just more comfortable with their bodies. And they're less interested in performing for somebody else. Because maybe they're finally asking for what they want. But we also need to talk about the physical changes that can happen after menopause. Because these are real.

14:58Emily Morse: I mean, they get lower estrogen levels. Their vaginal tissues become thinner, less elastic, maybe drier. And then some women experience like burning. There's irritation and discomfort. and especially with penetration or other urinary symptoms. And you might hear this called genitourinary syndrome of menopause or GSM. And for some women who experience these symptoms, well, yeah, sex becomes uncomfortable or painful. And that discomfort can lead them to avoid sex entirely. And then if neither partner understands what's happening, it creates so much confusion and hurt feelings. But here's the greatest news.

15:35Emily Morse: We have treatments. Like we didn't have treatments for a long time for women. Like, yes, there's lubricants and vaginal moisturizers that definitely help. Maybe they want hormone replacement therapy, depending on their history. A healthcare professional can help, can say if they need vaginal estrogen, most women will benefit from estrogen at this stage of life or other prescription treatments. Pelvic 4 physical therapy is great for women of any age, especially now. And I just want women to know like there's no prize for suffering through painful sex. Like your partner deserves to feel comfortable and deserve pleasure and deserve support.

16:09Emily Morse: So especially if something's changed. But I know there's a bigger opportunity here because I really want to expand this conversation, which is why do we define sex around penetration anyway? I mean, there's so many other ways to experience pleasure. We've got oral sex, manual stimulation, vibrators. I'm a huge fan of mutual masturbation. Like you're both getting off and that's a sure thing. and then you see your partner touching themselves and it feels really good. There's just so many possibilities. And sometimes when there is a physical change, there's an opportunity to explore something couples never bothered to try before, which is what I love.

16:45Emily Morse: Because I've talked to people who have been married for decades and they realized they were still basically having the same sex they've been having since their 20s. It was like same position, same routine. You know, they were assuming that what their partner likes and they never thought to even update what they like. Like, and I often find that people are like, yeah, I'm noticing in my 50s that it's worse or that it's not as good. But then I always go back and like, well, how was it that great in your 40s or 30s? And they're like, actually, it hasn't been that great for a while. So maybe this is the time where people are like, I'm really going to figure it out now.

17:16Okay.

17:17Emily Morse: And so I just want guys to know, like, do not treat menopause as the end of your partner sexuality. That is just, that is just messaging that doesn't serve us anymore. And don't assume because penetration feels different, intimacy is over. Find out what still feels good. but explore what might be even better right now. And listen, if she's experienced pain or discomfort, get her care because she does not have to suffer through that. I think a lot of women didn't know there were solutions for them. So again, help her find solutions. Be a partner in this for this change of life. She doesn't need to be doing it all on her own.

17:50Emily Morse: Do your own research. So it's just, thank God there's a lot more information out there right now, which I love. The goal is her sexual well-being, not just getting back to the way things used to be. And that brings me to one of the biggest mistakes I see. Couples are making this mistake at every age. And that is assuming you already know what she likes. Here's something I wish every couple understood. No matter what her age, just because you figured out what your partner liked 10 years ago does not mean you figured out what she likes today. You know, I think people get into long-term relationships and assume they've mastered each other's bodies, you know, the moves, the positions, the words to say, like you know what worked before.

18:28and you're thinking like, why change anything we already know? Well, because her body can change. Your body can change. Preferences change. Even her emotional experience of sex can change and yours can too. So like maybe she loved a certain position and now it just doesn't feel good to her.

18:46Emily Morse: Maybe it feels uncomfortable or she's like, I just don't want to do that position anymore. Or maybe she wants more clitoral stimulation. Maybe she wants everything to slow down. Or she's just finding, you know what? Arousal takes more time. Or maybe she discovered something totally new she wants to try with you. And like, you just won't know until you ask. You just won't know until you have these conversations. And where I see couples struggle is because she doesn't want to bring it up because she's going to hurt your feelings. And maybe you're so invested in believing like you know how to please her that any feedback feels like criticism.

19:18And so nobody's saying anything. And then you're having sex that just isn't as good as it could be.

19:24Emily Morse: So let me just change that. If your partner tells you something doesn't feel good anymore, that is not an insult. That is not a criticism. That is information. And it's actually a gift that she's comfortable enough to tell you the truth. So don't try to defend what you've been doing. Don't go back and say, well, you always like this. And how was I to know? Just say, oh, wow, thank you for telling me. What could we do now that would make that feel better? Right? That's it. You don't have to have a perfect technique. All you need is curiosity and openness and no judgment. And maybe you're watching this and thinking, okay, I know something has changed with my partner, but I have no idea how to talk about it.

20:01Or if sex has become uncomfortable, she's less interested than she used to be. Or maybe something you've always done together just isn't working anymore. Well, these are exactly the kinds of questions I've spent over 20 years helping people with. So send me your question. Tell me what's happening, what you've tried, and what you're having trouble understanding. You can find the link in the description or just go to sexwithemily.com slash ask.

20:27Emily Morse: You can also shop all my favorite personally curated sexual wellness products at sexwithemily.com slash faves. And if you want even more Sex with Emily, remember you can watch the podcast on YouTube, follow me at Sex with Emily on all platforms, and join my newsletter for more tips, advice, and updates, including where you can see me live on the Best Sex Ever Tour, which is sexwithemily.com slash events. Thank you for listening, for being here, and for most importantly, prioritizing your pleasure. And as always, stay curious.