What You’re Not Saying Is Hurting Your Sex Life

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1:43Where our words go, our energy goes. So when we're saying certain narratives, we make them true. If I say over and over, I have to have sex with my partner on Fridays at six, then after about four of those, it's a burden. If I say, God, I get to every Friday at sex, look forward to this hot sex with my partner. Then after four of those, I think I'm a really lucky partner.

2:11Emily Morse: You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. On today's show, we're welcoming back psychological astrologer, Dr. Jennifer Freed. Love when Jen's on the show. We answer a lot of great questions on the show, like how do you know if someone's going to be good in bed? We give you also some unique tools for addressing low libido. We talk about pursuing a threesome or an open relationship. And we also give some great tips for how to easily create intimacy in a relationship. We talk about what your zodiac signs say or don't say about compatibility with your partner, what to do if a hookup buddy wants a relationship but you don't, and the mind-blowing effects of EMDR therapy.

3:01Emily Morse: We also talk about building erotic tension, right? You know, it's at that sweet spot, that part of the relationship when you just can't wait to rip each other's clothes off. How do we build that? We also walk through ways to reach your power? Yes in sex. You know, the yes when you're like, yes, I want to do this with my partner or it's a no. How do you know if it's a hell yes or a hell no? There's some amazing wisdom nuggets in this episode. Before we jump in, make sure you're following me everywhere. It's at sex with Emily on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook. For even more sex and relationship advice and more resources, go to sexwithemily.com.

3:37Emily Morse: Sign up for my free weekly newsletter. I hear I I give a really good newsletter. Shop my curated sexual wellness products and pics at shopsexwithemily.com and explore hundreds of articles, download free guides, and everything you need to have the best sex ever. And one more thing, I'm taking Sex with Emily on the road. My new live show, The Best Sex Ever Tour, is coming to cities across the country. It's basically live coaching meets comedy meets audience Q &A, and we are getting into it. There has been magic happening in these rooms. You just have to come experience it. There's real conversations about sex and dating and relationships.

4:16Emily Morse: And we become very close by the end of the night. Visit sexwithemily.com slash events for dates and tickets. And thanks for listening or watching and for being here. And thanks for prioritizing your pleasure. All right, everyone. Enjoy this episode.

4:41Hi, Jen. Hi, Emily. I love you. I love you so much.

4:45Emily Morse: Jennifer Freed, PhD, is the renowned psychological astrologer and social and emotional education trainer. She spent over 30 years consulting clients and business worldwide on psychological, spiritual, and educational topics. And you can find more about her at jenniferfreed.com. I just love what Jen brings because, yes, she's got all the astrological insights, but she pairs that with psychology and being trained in EMDR therapy. And I love having you here. Thank you, Jen. Well, this is one of my favorite ways to spend an hour is with one of my all-time idols of not just sexuality, but just a kindness.

5:22You're just truly kind human.

5:24Emily Morse: Thank you, Jen. Right back at you. Where do we start with this, Jen? Let's talk about this, getting to our yes sexually. How do we get there? I mean, I often talk about, you know, it's important to fantasize and to masturbate and to know your body and be able to communicate. And I've said that if you've been listening to the show, you've heard me say it. Men's biggest challenges are that they feel shame around what they desire. They might only want desire something that they've seen in porn, but it's not actually they don't have the breadth and depth of what's actually available because they've only been looking at sex from a very narrow point of view.

5:58Well, also the men I talked to have extraordinary performance anxiety. I mean, who are they being measured against and why? And frequency becomes this badge of courage and a medal of like distinction when frequency doesn't necessarily mean satisfaction. And it certainly doesn't always mean connection because a lot of people I know service men in long-term relationships just to get it over with, but it's not actually a connection. It's just more like an obligation. And then that leaves men feeling super lonely and alienated and why don't they want me? I think women and men suffer the same amount from not being truly seen and understood and having sex be an expectation instead of an invitation.

6:46Emily Morse: Sex is an expectation instead of an invitation. Yeah, it's exactly right. We measure sex by the frequency, which is not a way to measure it. I'd rather have sex way less frequently if I'm connected with my partner and it's fulfilling and satisfying. We just dropped a lot here, Jen. So where do we start with this? Well, I was thinking about it today and I made some notes, which is not really like me to do, but you know, I care about you a lot. So I thought, okay, I'm going to, I'm going to break this down. And I realized that a lot of getting to our power, yes in sex is starting to extinguish the behaviors that are very based in victim.

7:24So here are the behaviors that we all do and now identify them and realize none of these have to do with power. Yes. So the big one is I can't instead of I won't. So instead of saying to you, I won't go down on you tonight. I just can't. That's not a power move. Be willing to say what you're willing or not willing to do, because that says a lot about your own agency and your desire. Another one is, oh, I have to get home by six so that I can get on my negligee to have the sexy sex tonight. Instead of I get to. Have to needs to come to I get to. If you're not saying I get to, then you're playing a victim.

8:10Next, whining instead of asserting. Oh, please, honey, why won't you do this tonight for me? Nobody likes whiners. It puts you in a baby position, and then that's not very sexy. But asserting is so powerful. Instead of whining, think about what you're requesting. I'd really like you to show up for me tonight and spend more time in the foreplay than you did two nights ago. That's a very different thing than why don't you ever. Then another one is, gosh, she always makes me take a shower before we have sex. Turn makes me into, I choose. I choose to be clean and fresh and good smelling. So my partner's really excited by me.

8:54Emily Morse: That's all victim. That's all turning it before we even get started with the sex. We've got a negative spin on it that we don't even realize it's the nuance of our language. The other day I try to do, I get to instead of I have to, or like when I say I have to work, or I have to do this. I'm like, I get to, I'm like to have my dream job. I get to record a podcast. I get to meet with my team, you know? So it's language. And it's so important for everyone to realize that where our words go, our energy goes. And the brain is a mapping system. So when we're saying certain narratives, we make them true.

9:28So if I have, if I say over and over, I have to have sex with my partner on Fridays at six, then after about four of those, it's a burden. If I say, God, I get to every Friday at sex, look forward to this hot sex with my partner. Then after four of those, I think I'm a really lucky partner. So the narrative tells us what we're going to experience. It basically sets the frame. Everything about sex is the fit in the frame? Are we both having the experience we want to have? And how are we telling the story of it?

10:05Emily Morse: Oh, yeah, Jen, that's so true. So going back to when we're talking about vulva owners, if we go back to what you said at the top is that we don't really know what our yes is, because it's based on what we think our partners want, no matter who we're with. How do we start with what would be some good places to start? You think with this language? I think with changing the language first, like I get to, I choose to, I will or I won't. And also just taking the time to say to your partner, no matter if it's female, male, they, but I would say you just slow it down and say tonight, let's spend even a half an hour on just totally mindfully going through all the parts of my body and having me tell you what it feels like.

10:54to be touched there, slower, faster, what are my rhythms? And of course we change all the time, but just even for a woman, a vulva owner to stop and start to say, this is how it feels without thinking what it's like for the other is profound.

11:11Emily Morse: That's such a good exercise to do. So who's going to do that tonight? Who's going to slow it down tonight and have that conversation? I know we starts with a conversation. You're right. We have to read, we have to define, I mean, I'm, I'm giving you guys suggestions here. We're talking to you about suggestions, but everyone gets to decide what feels good. I don't know what feels good when it, when it's, I don't know what feels good on anyone's body. You only, you know, and you're not going to change. I mean, you know, God, our history is not our present. And one of the things somebody said the other day, her name's Courtney to me, she said the only irrefutable truths.

11:48Now really think about this. The only irrefutable truths are our feelings and our sensations. No one can tell us our feelings or our sensations are wrong. Once you get into opinions, everyone's got an asshole and an opinion, but feelings and sensations, they only belong to us in the exact way they belong to us. And so start there.

12:11Emily Morse: Start there with, yeah, that would be such a great thing to do tonight. Whether you're alone or with a partner, say, what am I feeling right now? What does it feel like when I touch myself here or my partner touches me slowly? And then name it. Name the feelings. Name the sensations. It's the only way you're going to learn. Being mindful. Slowing down. And it will help the men in their own performance anxieties and all of this ridiculous toxic masculinity about like they have to always be hard. They have to always stay long. They have like all this stuff. It's just so oppressive. What if it was like for them?

12:45I'm like, no, actually, we're just going to focus on your pleasure without coming, without you having to do something. Just lay there. Let's just see what it's like for you to receive. Wow.

12:59Emily Morse: I think that even taking turns like this, these 30 minutes about you're receiving and then now is my turn or tonight it's for me, tomorrow it's for you. I just talked to a guy the other day who was saying, it's so scary to be a man right now because you grew up with the messages. You're only as sexy as you are like a hunter and you're virile and you go after it. But now if you go after it in the wrong way or you approach in the wrong way, you're a jerk. So there's such a mixed message of this kind of historic long view of men as having to have incredible erections, stay hard all the time, want it all the time.

13:41They've got to tell their friends they're getting it all the time. I mean, this is really deep in male psyches. And the cost of that is they don't get to say, well, actually, I would like to just watch you masturbate and I don't need to do anything. And, you know, there's so much prohibition of men just being receiving and men just being soft. Like, what about that? We're everything. The gender doesn't describe the psyche at all. Exactly.

14:10Emily Morse: And it's in our psyche. And you're right. And the men have these expectations that they have to always be leading and initiating. And it is about the number of times you have sex a week. It has nothing to do with that. You could have sex that isn't very satisfying every day of the week. That's not going to do anything for you. Yeah. I have a story for you. A little gossipy story based on experience. So there's some guys I know, and they're all good friends. And one of the guys is single. And these guys have met for over a year listening to this one guy's conquest stories. Oh, I got with her and I got with her and I got with her.

14:43And they've all been titillated and super excited about it until it dawns on them a year later. This guy is just a serial sex guy that isn't having any happiness and suffers from depression. Because no matter how many times he got his dick wet, it didn't make him happy. Right. And it's like this whole mythology that if you just have sex all the time, it will take care of everything, especially for men.

15:07Emily Morse: Right. Absolutely. It's just not true. It's so not true. It's true. That's what we're like, oh, we talk about sex all men talk about sex more than women. I'm like, no, they talk about if they got laid, they didn't get laid, who they banged, who they didn't bang. But that is not quality sex or even something that's valuable when it comes to sex. No, they don't talk about, that their dicks are bent a certain way or that they're flabby in the middle or that they can't stay on top as long or that they didn't shave a certain part of their body and it's hard to go down with all that hair. You know, where are the real conversations?

15:41Emily Morse: Well, we're having them here, Jen. I'm having them with you. What about if you don't, and this is something I think about a lot, like what if you don't have the specific words to communicate your emotions or what you want? Like, I feel like we're always able to communicate, but how do you actually get the words around speaking your emotions and your feelings? Well, you have an exceptional access to words as a Gemini. So you're right. Most people don't have the superpower of the words, especially once they're feeling strong sensation in their body or feeling deep feeling. Many people just get quiet.

16:16They don't have vocabulary at that point. It's called pre-verbal. So to me, when you're in that spot of pre-verbal and you don't have the words, then it's just taking a hand and slowing that person down, maybe putting their hand on your heart, maybe just looking in their eyes and breathing. Not everything is verbal, but you can communicate a lot by the way you just touch somebody and maybe even pressure a little bit, like slow down, more like, you know, move it quicker. I mean, or even after sex, you maybe don't want to talk. It's a very deep spiritual or reverent experience. And you can just hold each other and maybe nibble on each other's ears or just put your head on the chest.

17:01There's many ways to communicate. I think the important thing is let's not assume that sex as a mechanical thing is a communication. There's so much more going on.

17:13Emily Morse: Right. Yeah. That's helpful. You're right. So much of what we have to express or want to express is non-verbal. That is true. And I think everything we're saying here now is tonight, whatever sex you're going to have, or when you're listening to this, try to do something different. Try to say, you know what, tonight, I don't want to do the same things. Let's try to connect in a different way. Let's try to slow it down. Let's try to do the best we can to express what actually feels good rather than falling into the same routine. I think that's the only way we're going to keep bit interesting. Yes.

17:42And then here's another thing my friend Debbie told me, which I think is super, super great thing to do to spice up the sex life is say to your partner or the person you're dating, what are the things that we normally talk about? And what do we never talk about? Just put that question out there because everybody's got forbidden conversations and where it's forbidden, there's juice, right?

18:08Emily Morse: Right. Yeah. Like why aren't we saying there's a reason why you're not saying these things. Yeah. And it comes down to three things. It comes down to, is it a control issue? Is it a security issue? Or is it an approval issue that I'm not talking to you about this? You know, I'm with a woman. Let's say I don't want to talk to my partner about all these sex fantasies I have about men. Well, and I do, so I'm just using this. Okay. But, you know, if I didn't, it would be because it would be a threat to my security and And I want to have control over that. Like it can be all three, like, oh, what if she felt rejected?

18:44What if she felt like threatened and she pulled away? What if she starts wanting to be with men? And I don't really want to do that. Like, you know, it's all these fear future fantasies that prevent us from having the real conversations, but they're based on these three things, security, control, or approval. Like some people don't want to talk about things because you might not like me as much. You might think less of me.

19:08Emily Morse: Right. Yes. And that's the approval stuff. That's the approval. And then control. If I'm someone who really values control, I'm always trying to dominate other people because that gives me worth. That if I share something about maybe a vulnerability that I have or something that I need from somebody, I'll lose some control over that person. Completely. So just think about, you know, if I'm somebody that's kind of always seemed very confident in the way I touch and all my moves and I tell you a lot about my sex history and I'm so awesome. And then underneath that, I'm starting to have a real fear of not being as attractive.

19:45And I'm like getting scared that my body's not functioning the same way. Wow. If I tell you that I've lost some of that control in my mind, like you have something on me, right?

19:57Emily Morse: We're going to take a quick break to hear a word from our sponsors. When we come back, Jen and I will explore what to share and what not to share in your romantic relationships. We also answer your Instagram questions and you can find me on Instagram at sex with Emily.

20:22Emily Morse: Jen, you know what's just made me think of in all the years you've been doing this and I've been doing this, don't you think it comes down to most of the challenges on our relationships are from the things that we're not saying rather than something that we did say or something that we did reveal. Right. I mean, it's, it's the gaps. I think you're right. We all fall into the gaps. It's in friendship too. You know, you and I could think about when we meet, what do we say? What do we don't tell each other? Right. There's gaps all over the place and the gaps are all based on fear. The gaps about all intimacy are based on fear and they come down to those three things, but it's always like it could end up in loss somehow.

21:01And yet I know, you know, I just had lunch with a dear friend and we're super honest with each other, almost to a point of like, yeah, it's scary, but no, really, you know, it's like, wow, it's so revealing. But on the other hand, she's got my back. I know her. She knows me. I don't feel any question about whether she truly loves me because there's not much she doesn't know. Right. There's not much. We fought over things. We've had our ruptures. We've repaired like that's when you know the bond is strong, when you are not going to be broken by a conversation or something that's revealed.

21:37Emily Morse: Right, exactly. So we just actually put this out on Instagram. In our stories, we said, I said, I'm talking to Jen, Dr. Jennifer Freed, and do you have questions? And we got a bunch of questions. And one says, and this is what you're speaking to here, Alexa says, how to allow intimacy and vulnerability. So yes, there's less risk for me to be honest with you or honest with a friend about my vulnerabilities, but how do you still keep the fire, the passion going if I'm revealing everything to my partner when that seems like the ultimate, like my partner's going to leave me if I reveal this thing?

22:11Emily Morse: How do you do, how do you make room for both? I think that's a fabulous question to whoever asked that. Here's the bottom line, and I had to learn it. Your partner's not your mama or your therapist. So it's not like revealing is confessing. You're not using them as your confession for all your neurotic baby thoughts and feelings. That is not appropriate. And it would lead to somebody being really turned off. The conversations for me that you must have are the ones you're avoiding that have to do with you and them. Like my whole little story about my childhood and what happened or didn't happen to me.

22:50or, you know, like that's for a therapist or a friend that's got the time. Don't lean so heavy on your partner. If you want them to be your lover, to be your mother or your father, that's not so sexy. Unless you're role-playing mommy and daddy.

23:06Emily Morse: Right. Then we're cool with that. I was actually got asked this in New York by some, some young women who just graduated from college and they were going on their first dates. And one of them said, Oh, I went on a date a few weeks ago was like their first date. She said, I told the person too much. Like I told him everything about me. And I think I was too, I told him about my childhood and my family. So there's that like escalation of just feeling like, well, I want this person to know my everything. So where do we, that's a little bit different because that's someone you're just meeting. But I think there is this way of knowing, like, I'm going to reveal everything because then we're going to be close.

23:38Emily Morse: But there's stuff that you, the stuff that we're saying, the gaps and things we're not revealing are the stuff that's relevant to both of you. Yes. And I'll go back to your person on that date. Yep. Revelation is not a dump. You know, like when people dump on me all their stuff, number one, they're not in touch with me. They're just asking me to be like their priest or their mother or something. Real intimacy is about earned trust. It's not even appropriate to tell people all the things about you on the first date. You don't even know them. So it's trust through accretion of shared experiences.

24:15trust is an accretion of shared experiences. So you and I are friends over a year or so now. I just started telling you some of my secrets. I didn't tell you right off. I don't even know you. It's not appropriate. So how you really know intimacy is that each of you are kind of giving a little bit more, a little bit more, and you're building this vessel where the secrets and the vulnerabilities can be held. Don't try to throw them all in and then run and hope somebody likes you.

24:49Emily Morse: Right. You don't just throw everything up there to see if it sticks. You have to be like carefully revealing. Yes. And really know who you're talking to. And the only way you know that is bit by bit, they'll tell you something. It's a dance. You'll tell them something. And then over time you go, wow, Emily's a really trustworthy friend. Emily's really listening to me. Emily's telling me some of her things. And that's how you keep the tension, whether it's in friendship or with lovers, of erotic tension. You've got to have otherness. Otherness is what makes attraction. Right, exactly. So revealing these things in the relationship that are the gaps or saying the things that you think you cannot say.

25:32Emily Morse: And I want everyone to take a moment, think about like, what are the things in your relationship between you and your partner that you're not saying? And there are some things that you shouldn't say, right? Things that are going to be hurtful. Exactly. You don't say to your partner, you've put on some weight and I find you disgusting. Don't say that. Don't say that. And you don't say to your partner, your dog is really smelly. I don't want to come to your house. Right. Don't say that. But you do want to approach both those subjects. So let's think of a different way because these are both really important subjects because aesthetics are everything for sexuality.

26:05Let's face it. We all have aesthetics.

26:07Emily Morse: We do. We do. And they're not negotiable. You can't change your aesthetics. I hear a lot from people in relationship that their partners are not as in shape as they used to be, and that's unattractive. Well, we all know you just don't spit that out there. But you can say, and it's important to say, you know, I am super turned on to you when you work out. You know, instead of saying you're losing your shape, I'm super turned on to you when you work out. And I think we both can make that more of a priority to stay really fit, how can we support each other? So there's that one, the dog in the house that, you know, whatever you say, Hey, I love your dog as much as you do.

26:49And I really want to make sure that when we're going to like have a great sex night, that the dog's in the other room.

26:56Emily Morse: Yeah. Do you hear about this a lot that the dog comes in and in the middle of sex? Oh yeah. Dog wants to be in the sex. Jojo does, but she just wants to be in the room, but then she's going to take a nap on the bed. She's not trying to be in the sex. No, but dogs do licking and all kinds of stuff. You're lucky your dog doesn't do that. She's perfect. I got the perfect dog. That's a really great reframe. So you're bringing in your feelings. You always lead with how things make you feel rather than attacking your partner. The things that you're not saying, there's a reason you're not saying them and they're probably causing a bigger problem in your relationship than you realize.

27:28Emily Morse: So I think this is a great reframe for people to think about tonight. Do this right now. Don't wait on these things. Because as we know, then they start to build up over time. They become resentments. I can't believe my partner never showers or my partner's so out of shape, right? It's just, right when you realize this is the time to have these healthy conversations. And from a positive place, I want to say, you know, the conversation isn't a confrontation. It's an invitation. Just keep using that word. Because I think too often we think we're finally going to say something, and it comes out like some kind of, you know, artillery when actually it's an invitation.

28:07I really would like us to work out more. I just love it when you're really like in your best shape or something like that. Exactly.

28:14Emily Morse: And I can tell that you feel great when you're working out more too. And maybe we could do some working out together. We could take a class together. We could. Okay. Let's get to questions. Let's get some more questions. Okay. Let's see. Okay. How can you reconcile with the male world when you have struggled with it since childhood? That's from a woman. So maybe she's had some struggles with men in her life, her father, her brother. That's a big question. Well, it's like the biggest philosophical question because let's face it, we've all been in a man's world and the world is not in great shape led by male leaders predominantly.

28:54So there's not a woman or a man or a they or anyone on the planet that isn't suffering from a narrative of masculinity that has hurt everyone. So she's welcome to the world. The only way I've gotten through it, because I've had my share of all of that, as we all have, is I keep it very specific to the men that I love and that I know, and I build on those relationships. So for example, you've met my brother, Emily. I love my brother. We're a year apart. He's a great man. I focus on the men that I know and building the intimacy with them and remembering that there is no such thing as the gender male.

29:36There's just a collection of people. So I keep it very specific to building positive, good relationships with the men that I choose.

29:43Emily Morse: Right. That's really good. And to not think so for Amanda here who asked this question, it's like taking out a case by not bringing the whole history of men into every man. Who is that person sitting in front of you that you want to have a relationship with and build that? What do they bring to the table? Yeah, because I'm thinking right now of my friend Peter Buffett. He's like one of my favorite people on the planet. He just happens to have a male bodysuit. But in terms of like, I think of people so far beyond the shapes and suits of their bodies. Right. And I would invite her to stop seeing people just defined by those gender normative identities and see into the window of their soul, find out who they really are, be willing to be surprised.

30:28And that's my path anyway. It served me quite well.

30:33Emily Morse: That's such good. That's really, really good advice. Also, I want to say, I think it's great that a man even recognizes that she has that challenge around men. So that's such a good advice that the person in front of you is the person you're trying to have a relationship, but they don't represent all the men in your life or all the challenges you've had with men. Okay, here's another one, Jen. If you like sex with a person, but they want a relationship and you don't, can timing just be off? Yes, timing is big in a relationship, right? That's just such a funny question. It's like, you don't get to have your cookies and your cake if the other one doesn't want the cake.

31:11You just have to admit this isn't the right deal for both of us and you have to give up your little sweet tooth.

31:19Emily Morse: Exactly. Like what about these when people think that they could get into a relationship and someone's going to change? Or, well, I know that they want a relation, you know, I'm going to change. They're going to want what I want if I stick with them long enough. They're going to see my ways. Like they want to relate. Maybe he'll decide that he doesn't want a relationship anymore. Like I don't want to really, you know what I'm saying? We just think that they're going to change, but we have to believe people's words when they tell us. Well, also people give mixed messages. I'm aware of a situation right now, really big one that's important to me.

31:45It's somebody close to me who's with somebody that is not very clear what they want. So they give a lot of mixed messages. And then we get hooked by that because we like the one message, not the other message.

31:56Emily Morse: We only hear the message we want to. And it's like I'm thinking of a friend of mine that was having an affair with a married man, and he was just sure he was going to get out of the marriage. And I thought he was, too, because he seemed like a great guy. He's going to get out of the marriage. But you've got to give yourself time limits on these things. It's not like they're bad people because they're giving you mixed messages, but you've got to say for your own power. Yes. Again, you have to say, I'm super into you. I'm 100 percent go. You've got three months to make your mind up about us having the same picture of this relationship.

32:30If not, no harm, no foul. I'm over it.

32:33Emily Morse: And then you have to keep your word. You have to keep your word. Time limits are huge. They've really helped me in relationships saying, how do I want to feel in this relationship three months from now? I'm going to give it three months. I even put dates on my calendar and I've said three months from now. And then, you know, well, I've got three months to work on these challenges, these top challenges. And this is how I feel today. Three months from now, how to want to feel what are, what's our relationship look like? Because otherwise without the time limits, this could go on for years. And you need, you need, you need friends to kick your butt.

33:04I was in a very unhealthy situation in my life a few years ago. And I actually wished, looking back, that a couple of my friends would have said, are you out of your mind? What the hell are you doing? Like sometimes we're too understanding of people in these ridiculous situations. And what somebody really needs to have the courage to say is, hello, you told me about this 20 times already. Yes. Get out.

33:32Emily Morse: Yes. Those are your friends that are going to do that. Then sometimes we just go to the friends that we know are going to say what we want to hear and check yourself if that's what you're doing. I have a new theory on that. What do you think about this, Emily? I think most of us are addicted to what I call emo porn, either through TV or conversation. So I notice it in myself because I'll watch certain shows because they're super, super emotional and really intense. And then I get to go on the ride with it. But there's also certain friends that I really like dig in to find out all their emotional dramas, because then I can kind of listen, get off on it, but I don't have to be involved.

34:10It's called emo porn. I think we're all into it.

34:12Emily Morse: So you call those friends and you're like, hey, what's going on with you? Yeah, yeah. That's so exactly what it is. You're like, I know I'll call this person. It's going to be a wild ride. Yeah, you just know you're going to get a whole story and it's going to have maybe some sex things. And like, you know, it's, it's like watching the housewives of whatever. But my point is the whole culture steeped in this emo porn. And then what happens is it's sometimes hard to interrupt it. Once we've established a pattern of listening for it. Oh my God. Right. So we're like, tell me more. Isn't there any more drama going on in your life?

34:46Emily Morse: So when everything's okay, it's just not that that relationship isn't as satisfying to you. And they also might think they have to keep shoving in some emo porn to keep your interest. Yes. I've had those relationships. Oh my God. That's a good one, Jen. Yeah. It's like, you know, I like my popcorn. I like my kind bars, but if I had them every day, then I'm avoiding something. Oh, Jen, this is a good one. These are all from our Instagram, which is sex with Emily and Jennifer's Instagram is Dr. Jennifer Freed. So someone just asked me how to spot a sensual lover without actually having to sleep with lots of men.

35:24That's easy, I think. Go. Well, I'm very, very sensual. That's my love language. So I don't have any confusion. The sensual lovers are the ones that are touching you, like your hand, your face, your hair. But a big tell is how they eat. Like a big tell how they eat and how they drink. and if they can dance, frankly, because, you know, women and men, if they don't dance and they aren't really into food, they're not sensual. Just know that right there. They're just not.

35:58Emily Morse: So if they're like, this is delicious. I want you to taste this. I love this. Can I have a bite of this? And they're touchy. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. I need to be touched. I need to be, and I'm not saying groped when I first meet someone, but you can just tell. You can tell. Are they sensual with their food? All the other senses, do they smell the environment? Are they like, oh, look at those flowers or listen to this music or they're just a sensual being? Sensuality is all about the deliciousness of life. It's like everything is savored and there's an appetite and a wonder. And some people, I have a lot of friends that don't even like sensuality.

36:35They just like, man, wham, bam, let's get it done. Let's like, it's a workout. And they're thrilled with that. They don't want to be touched. I have a friend that I said, listen, you know, if I ever get old and alone, you'll have to live with me, but I need a lot of hugs. And they went, I'm so not into that.

36:50Emily Morse: And that's okay too, right? We just couldn't be with those people because both of our love languages is touch because they can be hard to reconcile. If you're with somebody who you need touch and they are not into touch, not a bad person, but they're just going to have to make effort. And I think that's the hardest love language to reconcile. If you're not into it, you're not into it. I was thinking of this woman I knew from the past. She had like many planets in Taurus and she would take two hour showers, touching herself, rubbing herself, singing to herself. I mean, we would all just laugh and she couldn't have been happier just two hours.

37:26Emily Morse: Oh my God. Well, Jen, wait, speaking of that, don't I have all my houses in Taurus except for my Gemini house? You got a lot of stuff in Taurus. I told you you're the temple goddess of sensuality and a communicator about all things sexual. But yes, Emily, your superpower is sensuality and beauty and also just a love of the finer things in life. You really appreciate them. I do. I do. I do. Oh, Jen. Okay. This is for you, Jen, because I said I was talking to you. Scorpio and Leo, doomed or destiny? I love that you say doomed or destiny because let me say once and for all, all of you people that love astrology, you can never know somebody's compatibility by their sun signs.

38:14So you just need to know that would be like saying brown hair shouldn't go with red hair. It's that superficial. A Scorpio sun likes intensity and depth. A Leo sun loves to be admired and adored and is playful. Well, certainly those two can go together. If the Scorpio is intensely admiring of the Leo and the Leo likes to play in really intense ways. It's a good fit. So just don't ever pay attention to all that superficial nonsense where it's like, oh, Gemini shouldn't be with Virgo. It's never true. It's never true.

38:49Emily Morse: And the way you've talked about astrology and I've become more familiar with it, but you have to understand your whole chart, right? You have to understand your whole chart. You have to realize not one person was created to have nothing to learn. Every single relationship that I've ever seen is all based on huge lessons. You never get with somebody as like a free pass. Everyone you're ever with, ever attracted to is a teacher. It's just what lesson are you learning? And if you're in a long-term relationship, it's going to be, you know, PhD in learning. Yes, it's true. I mean, we think if it's not easy, that it's time to leave, but that's when the lessons are starting.

39:32Emily Morse: I mean, it should be feel good at the beginning, but we do such great work in relationships if we choose to. I personally think the highest, most noble spiritual path is doing the work with another human being at the depth of a courageous attachment. You know, it's very courageous to be attached to somebody and keep removing all obstacles to love. It's the most courageous thing we could do. Okay. This is from Michael 35 in California. Hey, Dr. Emily, how can my wife and I ease our way into an open relationship and any tips on fulfilling a threesome fantasy? Very, very carefully. Oh my God. That's a big question there.

40:12Emily Morse: It's a short question, but they're two very specific. And I think you start with the conversations. You don't just lead with, let's have an open relationship. Let's have a threesome. The first thing your partner is going to think is why aren't you attracted to me anymore? Which one of my friends do you want to sleep with? So I think this has to start more from a general conversation about your sex life and about your satisfaction with each other and having real in-depth conversations about your turn-ons. What are some of the most memorable times you've had sex? You could start there. I'm going to assume you guys haven't talked about this yet.

40:43Emily Morse: Maybe you haven't even talked about your sex life before in a way that is useful for figuring out your independent arousals and desires. But I get nervous that with these questions, like he just is getting angsty, you know, he's just getting a little bored of their sex life. So he's thinking, let's open it up to save it. But what'd you feel about this, Jen? Well, I have two friends that have opened up their relationships in the last two years. One of them had a pretty good run with it and they were micro into what the expectations were, what the taboos were, what was good, what was bad. They had to interview the person before they did.

41:21It was like a whole, like, it was like a career counseling thing. Seriously. And then the other person opened it up kind of unconsciously and it really went amok. Like, let's just try it. And it was kind of unconscious and nobody was clear what they wanted or didn't want. And it blew up. Right. So I think what you said is the most important, where's this coming from? And the most important question to ask your wife, your partner, anything about this is, what are your fantasies about including a third person? Just start there because they may say, oh, I've thought about it or I'm not into it. That's the end of that conversation.

42:02Exactly.

42:02Emily Morse: Exactly. So you got to find out first, what are you starting with? Right. Where are you starting? What are your turn on? You can download our yes, no, maybe list on our website. If you've never done that, it's such a fun date night with a partner. Just check that out. It has a bunch of different sex acts on it that may help you guys figure out. Maybe she's turned on by a threesome as well, or maybe she wants more teasing, or she's into some bondage. We don't know. You don't know until you have these conversations, but you don't just start with a blanket. Let's open it up. Let's have a threesome.

42:28Emily Morse: If you haven't laid the groundwork for your independent turn-ons, desires, arousal, what's worked in the past, don't go from zero to threesome. Someone asked, does EMDR therapy really work asking for a victim? So we can explain what EMDR is. I don't think I've just explained in a while, but I'm a huge fan. I've done EMDR. EMDR is a very well-tested cognitive behavioral therapy to undo traumatic response emotionally and physically. And now, again, this is my experience, 40 years trained as a therapist, 30 of those seeing clients, 30 of those being a client. Let me just be very revealing and say, I have been a client.

43:13EMDR is the only, and this is my experience, technique done by a very gifted therapist that actually undoes the looping, compulsive, reactive responses in your brain and body. It's the only one I found. Yes.

43:30Emily Morse: You can learn more about EMDR through this link in the show notes or emdria.org. And also my trainer, her name is Laurel Parnell, and she's written many books and some of them are for the lay person. So Laurel Parnell, and she has an EMDR Institute. She's phenomenal. And I think anyone that wants to do deep work and not spend 30 years in therapy, get to some therapists listed by Laurel Parnell Institute. What I also like about EMDR therapy, which I've done, is that it doesn't take as much time. I mean, I think I needed to go through some of the talk therapy, but I think I could have really sped things up by seeing a therapist that works in your mind and your body and sort of rewiring the neural pathways in your brain so certain memories or certain people or certain situations that give you a charge will no longer trigger you in that way after you do this kind of work.

44:31Emily Morse: Okay, this is from Brittany, 25 in Michigan. Hey, Dr. Emily. My partner and I have been together for almost five years. He's a very sexual creature. However, I struggle so much with myself that it's sometimes hard for me to get in the mood. I don't know what to do. We went from having sex every day for almost two years straight to suddenly I have problems with low libido. I'm only 25 and feel like this is a normal problem a 25 year old should have. Any suggestions? Thank you. Everyone has it. People always think low libido when it happens to them that it shouldn't happen. But I always say, I hear it from women, men, all genders at all ages.

45:05Emily Morse: So my first take on this, Jen, I want to hear what you say is that she's only 25. She's been with the same partner for five years. She probably doesn't know exactly what she, she has low libido. I often say it's not low libido, it's high boredom. Maybe you don't know what turns you want. Maybe there is no passion fire left in this romance because you're so you're together. You're on top of each other. Has there been, you know, just having routine sex every day doesn't necessarily mean that it's quality and connected sex. So my suggestions is for her to go on a journey of excellent communication with her partner and saying, let's start where we are now and figure out like more about maybe what her turns on or what turn ons are and start to rebuild.

45:47Emily Morse: like we said earlier in the show, start slowly, start to rebuild again, slow things down, try new things. But I'm thinking it just has to do with her time to explore. And she's been with one person. What do you think, Jen? I agree with you completely. And I think the worst thing we do to all of us is act like that kind of frequency of sex that happens in the beginning is what you should always be having. Right. Because that is oppressive. So one, we start shutting down because it's like, I don't want that. And secondly, you got to start remembering what was it that made you so horny in the beginning.

46:24And usually it had a lot to do with novelty and also a little insecurity. Are we going to be together? Aren't we going to be together? That creates a lot of tension. But once you, like you said, Emily, you're smashed together face to face. You're like seeing each other and all your kind of ordinariness. It's not that thrilling. So you have to peel back back say we're not going to have sex for a month and reconnect as like courtship courtship is where sex hot sex comes from no matter what stage it's in exactly and even take penetrative sex off the

46:58Emily Morse: table like rebuild it like you're saying that is where it comes from is the courtship is the attraction is the newness and you can continue to work that into a relationship even if you've been together for five years jennifer freed thank you so much for being here i've missed you you are dear friend, you are so wise and we love having you on this, on the show. It's so helpful, Jen. So how can people find you? What's going on with you right now? Where should we turn all of our attention in the world of Jennifer? I think Dr. Jennifer Freed Instagram, I'd love for you to follow and give comments.

47:30And then honestly, Jennifer Freed.com. Thank you, Jen. Thank you.

47:37Emily Morse: Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Follow me on all social media, sex with Emily you can also check out my website sex with Emily.com and please subscribe to the podcast which is available on all podcast platforms as I head into my 21st year you can find them all also I'm going on tour if you want to check it out go to sex with Emily.com slash events and don't forget to check out our website for all my favorite sexual health and wellness products and subscribe to our newsletter thanks everyone for listening one question I'm asked all the time is Emily what products do you actually recommend?

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