"Jim Gaffigan"

0:03Hey guys, I got a mouthful of English muffin with a glass full of apple juice here on the rocks. Thank you very much. And I'm here with my surprise guest today, who is a clapping sea lion.

0:18Oh, my God. This is, by the way, before Jason and Will are on. Welcome to Smurliss. Smart. Lies.

0:30Smart. Lies.

0:37Smart.

0:44Crazy. I can't see surprise guest yet. Maybe their camera's off. No, you're not supposed to. How does it work? You're not supposed to. By the way, he won't stop clapping. Oh, we got a live one? Yeah, we got a live one. Oh, boy. Might want to just get right to this guest and do our chat afterwards. We've got some folding work going on over here. We had, by the way, what a wonderful dinner we had last night. We had a nice dinner, didn't we, the three of us? It was gorgeous. We really did. Listen, you know, the three of us don't really get a chance to have just a three-top, you know? Not since the early 90s.

1:24It went really well. Sean generously picked up the bill. I know. Kind of sneaky-like. Very sneaky-like. I know. I got to be honest. I think we're doing it. I know. I know it's nice to do, but consider this sometime. And again, I don't want this to seem like I'm being ungrateful because it was very nice of you, so thank you. This is all dressed up in a thank you. Yeah. But keep in mind. I got a heart out in five minutes. Other people might want to have the opportunity to do that as well. I know. So you don't want to take away from other people the ability. Will, save it. Will's got about the fucking shortest fucking T-Rex arms you'll ever find at a dinner table.

2:02this fucking guy you could fucking you could drop a check on fire in front of him and he wouldn't bat it out he wouldn't touch it he'd just let it catch his fucking pants on fire before he touched a burning check that is so untrue that is patently untrue Sean one of the crew members just walked through yeah a bear just walked through your living room a bear crew member um speaking of uh livestock we we we ate a lot of cooked cow last night and i i woke up at 2 30 in the morning and had to chug pepto-bismol because your body's not your stomach is so unused to it was like that was like it was like a four pound steak wasn't that so good going down though oh yeah it was great no it was so good actually you know what sean after you left us we went and tried uh we we were both stuffed we were tied as we know we only went five more blocks that fucking steak sandwich we got bradley's house and he's got his steaks you know he's opening a um yeah steak steak sandwich shop in the lower east side yeah so good by the way he made them for all of us danny danny and coops something like that i think that's right is it danny and coops check it out i think it's on avenue a he said yeah in the lower east side it makes just so good i think what did he say on the menu it's just it's just steak sandwiches yeah either with cheese or without period no with onions or without oh god right right it's gonna be huge so sean so after that menu after that that meal we had last night jason i go over there and then bradley's literally cooking these up in his house and he goes here we go and he's got his kids there and a bunch of other people and he's like here you go and we're like no man we just fucking we We just had an absolute feast.

3:52Yeah. And then within 20 minutes, JB gets up. And has one? Well, no wonder you got up at 2.30 in the morning. Well, because he walked me through the whole process of how he got the recipe from this guy who makes the best steak sandwiches in Philadelphia. And then, you know, Bradley like perfected it over like a year because he just loved these sandwiches so much and he taught himself how to cook them and then approached the guy to open up an annex. It's so good. You know, basically. Don't you remember he made them for us like, I don't know. Yeah. eight, nine months ago. They were so good. Yes, I do remember.

4:23Anyway, it was really, and I ended up having one too, and they were absolutely delicious. But how about this? I walked back because. First of all, I got two things to say about it. So when we got it from the, number one, when we got it from the table last night at dinner, Jason, you pulled aside and said, I got to run in the bathroom real quick. So me and Will went outside and waited for you. I should have thrown it all up at that point. I should have taken it all out of me. In the bathroom. And then we're standing there, and then you come out and both Will and I are like, wait a minute, who's this fucking guy coming up talking to us out of the blue?

4:56He's like, it's crazy. And I thought, where's JB? I'm like, I'm thinking. And he's kind of like, who's this twink? Yeah, I told you I'm not. You wish. You wish you were a twink. Well, I don't even know what a twink is. Is that good or a bad thing? No, you're a twink. So listener, they're talking about because I've had my, I've looked like Jesus Christ for the last nine months, basically, as I'm playing this guy with long hair and long beard and all that stuff. And I just cut it all off because we came to the end of the thing. The number of people, and Sean, you're probably the same, who have come up to me as if I'm your wife over the last six months, go, hey, or texted me.

5:36People have gone so far and gone like, hey, what's up with Jason? How come he's here so long? And I'm like, he's an actor. But they all assume. I love that nobody assumes that I would be doing it for any sort of acting part. Nobody thinks you're in trouble. Everybody thinks I'm in trouble. They go there instead of like, well, he's not much of a thespian. He's not going to change his look for a part. He must have just hit fuck it and we've got to send him some money. Why did Marty Berg grow his hair? And then you dropped me off. And then we said, I went, I'm like, well, where's Uptown? Because I'm so lost downtown.

6:12I don't understand. And he goes, just go that way. I was walking for like 20 minutes. I'm like, I don't know. And he was a half a block from 8th Avenue. And he walked all the way into the Hudson River. I have no idea where I was. I was scared out of my mind. And then I asked these four people, I'm like, do you know where like Uptown, like which direction Uptown is? Well, first give us your wallet. You got mugged. You asked people which direction Uptown is. And it was a young married couple and then in-laws. and the married couple was like, yeah, you go that way. And then the mom of the in-laws goes, oh, my God, Will and Grace.

6:47And then the two young married couples are like, oh, my God, smartless. And then the dad goes, just to make sure to keep me real, he goes, I don't know who the hell you are. Right? And I go, I go, I don't know. Isn't that the funniest instinct that people have? I've had people come up and go like, hey, my friends want to pick, I have no idea you. I want to pick you out of a lineup of one. I couldn't care. You're zero to me. Yeah, you're zero. That's basically what. But anyway, they want to get a picture. And you're like, okay, well, thanks for telling me, man. I didn't ask. Anyway, let's get into our guest.

7:20He's been waiting long enough. Honestly, Sean, I feel like, why are you crying? This is like, we've unearthed. Okay, let's not get into it. Okay, this guy makes me laugh so hard. I love this guy. We've got a lot in common, both Midwestern boys, large Irish families. Interesting fact, he's been in over 200 commercials. He's performed for the Pope. I think that means stand-up. 200 commercials? That's amazing. And how when he was eight, he stood in line for two hours to meet Jimmy Walker from Good Times just to have him sign Dynamite. Well, today, we get the other explosive Jimmy. Guys, it's the brilliant, the prolific, the funny, the lovable Jim Gaffigan, who we love.

8:04Jim Gaffigan? Thank you. Wow. Hello. Oh, there. I'm a big fan of yours. Oh, shucks. Jesus. You know, what was so weird is you guys went to dinner last night, and I don't know why, and I think the listeners should know this, that you made me be the waiter, which I thought was strange. Well, just as a rehearsal. Yeah, hear us out, Jim. We just figured that we know how real you like to keep it. Yeah. I mean, a lot of people should know that Sean Hayes does not tip. No. Not financially. Which is weird. I said, is this it? do you need change? And he said, I need you to change your attitude. And I said, all right.

8:43Oh my God. Now, Jim, do you still have that autograph that says Dynamite from Jimmy Walker? No. Damn it. I love that. I only remember that because I saw a photo of it because I had a Dynamite hat. Yeah. I'm probably older than all you guys. You are. Probably not. There was a big, I mean, Will looks the oldest, But like the big way is that. Wait a second. Do we? No, I think it's, Will could be like, well, I think Will would be, there is, a lot of people don't know, he's doing a movie where he's playing Gavin Newsom's dad. Yeah. Wow.

9:24This is the Arnett roast. Will, we didn't want to tell you before we got started. You know, Will, I just do that because I'm scared. Why? Frankly, I'm a little scared. I'm intimidated. Why? Three buddies. I'm the new kid. I don't know how to fit in. You're so safe here. You're already fitting in beautifully. The dirty little secret about this podcast is it really doesn't matter who we have on as a guest because we don't let them talk anyway. We just like to hear ourselves talk. You're on cruise control for the next hour. Right. Or 45. Jim, we don't know each other well, but you came up very kindly to Canada and did that hospital benefit.

10:00Do you remember that? Was that right? Or did you block it out? No, I remember it. I remember it very clearly. You were hilarious. Oh, thanks. Absolutely crushed. Always is. And you always crush. Yeah. Yeah. I know, because you've been doing his crush. He never pushes. Never pushes. Just trying to get my dad to like me. And I don't know if it's going to work. Is dad still with us? No, he's been dead for like 20 years. Oh, you're waiting for a message? He's right over here. He's just off camera. When you hear that. Wake up. I've been telling every morning, I'm like, wake up. He's really tired. He's really tired.

10:35He just put new ice on him every day. Yeah, he's just... Hey, how did you get to be in 200 commercials? I'm actually envious of that. I was on this show, Silver Spoons. No. That was Jason. No, there was an era in the 90s where they really loved the idea of the dumb white guy in every commercial. and I was like, I'll do that. Sean wasn't available. I did those too. I did a ton of them. There's a lot of dumb white guy work and I loved it. I immediately started thinking, oh wait, this is one of those guys that's got one of those campaigns. It's like, you know, like the Jack in a Box guy. Or the progressive girl.

11:17Yeah, exactly. It would add up quickly. Yes, I would do. I did Rolling Rock and Saturn, which was a car company. And this is back in the days when they would pay, right? You get about 30 grand by the time a national commercial is done with its cycle. You could count on about$30 ,000. Absolutely. How many brands did you sink, do you think? I would say... Rolling Rock for one, Saturn for two. Jimmy, so you were born in Elgin, Illinois. Is it Jimmy? Yeah, it's Jimmy. When I was a little kid, I was Jimmy. Now, where are you from, Sean? Glen Ellyn. So it's like 20 minutes from Elgin. Yeah. Well, we moved pretty quickly to Northwest Indiana.

12:06I mean, when I was eight, I guess. And you wanted to be a farmer? I did. What kind of, what did you want to farm? You know, I think corn. I just. Sure. It's weird. It's a pretty big dream. And not soybeans. Not something sexy like soybeans or rye, but like corn, you know, like a normal plant. But no, I did want to be a farmer. And then, but I also wanted to be an actor. I know, like early on, and your dad was the CEO of the Mercantile National Bank of Indiana. Yes. So crazy. And then you wanted to be, and what did he think of you wanting to be an actor? He thought it was pretty fucking stupid.

12:54Sure. No, you know, it was, My parents were children of, you know, like their parents went through the depression. So like the whole objective was to seek security. And I think my family had been in the country and my father was the first one to go to college. But before that, everyone was coal miners. So it was just like, we finally got to the middle class and you want to become a show person? It was just absurd. It was like, why throw it away? Yeah, but it's interesting because this happens all the time. We talk about this all the time. You're the youngest of six. I'm the youngest of five. And it seems to be like a lot of people we talk to, the youngest in the family always wants to be the actor or the performer or the attention seeker, I guess.

13:39Isn't that weird? Well, the alcoholism was so significant by the time we were teenagers. Yeah, same. Were you close with your dad? My dad was this huge influence on me. But it was weird. I think it was mostly trying to make my mom laugh. But, you know, the whole father relationship is so complex. And again, I think, I don't know about with you, there was such a parental fatigue that had hit by the time I was a teenager. My dad was like, I didn't even sign up for any of this. You know what I mean? And having children myself, I'm kind of like, can they go to boarding school and middle school? Can they do that?

14:22It's just, it's exhausting, right? You say you do have children yourself or you don't? Yes, yes. I have five. I have five. Oh, my God. Wow. I know. That's a lot of kids. I'm a very fertile guy. How old is your youngest, Jim? He just turned 12. Oh, wow. Wow. And I feel like with every kid, there was a reason for me to like him. You're like, all right, this one likes me so much. I like him. And then my youngest one looks like me. And so I'm like, all right, I got a mini me. I got to be excited about that. Yeah. It is amazing, right? Like how you have, you develop these different relationships with the kids based on completely different stuff.

15:05I mean, I know you're kind of making a half a joke, but like there is something to be said for like, well, the initial bond started because that little thing that couldn't speak or do anything yet has an attraction to me. And there's a, it's almost like a puppy. Like kids are like puppies before they can speak. Yeah, of course. And it's like, oh, they jump on my lap all the time. And so, well, I like you too. And now you're my favorite pet. And then your role changes. And you're like, okay, I'm the peacekeeper between, because daughters and mothers go through some weird crap. And now I'm kind of Boutros, Boutros golly here, you know, trying to keep some peace.

15:45And then there's just different ones where you're like, all right, I'm the evil cop that has to be the disciplinarian. Yeah, or the one kid's actually less like a puppy and much more like a cat. So they're difficult. They don't give you the time of day. So you end up being very drawn to that one. I got to win that one over, right? Yeah. You've got almost a half a dozen there. It must be. My relationship with my kids is so good. I don't have to worry about rules. We just kind of click. Oh, man. Sorry, I just wanted to. Just click, click, click. Hey, Jim, you don't really think I look older than the other guys, do you?

16:18No, no. Let's double back a little bit. No. Tuck on that. Okay. Now, Jim, where are you? Are you in Los Angeles, New York? I'm in New York. Yeah, all right. I live in New York. That's cool. Have you been in New York a long time? I've been here for 35 years. I've done some time in, you know, when I was on a show, I would be in LA for six months or six weeks. I did pilot season. Oh, yeah, every year. Now, your time in Los Angeles, is this something you kind of hold your nose and kind of get through it? Or do you like it out there? I don't have anything against Los Angeles. I mean, I'm not a fan of sunlight, but I'm very much...

16:59Too much show business is not good for my mental health. That's what I like about New York. that you have friends that are not in the business and you can kind of separate yourself from it, if that makes sense. Yeah. And we will be right back.

17:22And now back to the show. Do you ever worry that by having that healthy kind of distance from show business and the pursuit of it and all that stuff that you run the risk of not going to the places that you want to go career-wise? I ask because these guys always keep me in check and give me proper ridicule about how sort of keeping my eye on the ball I am about like what's happening in the business tree and what should I be doing next and all that stuff. I can't help it, but I envy those that have a healthy distance from us. But you also grew up in it, so that's a little different in that way.

18:02Yeah. Yeah, I feel like I've definitely, I think my career might be completely different if I lived in LA. I mean, it is 99 % of the business. Right. But it's also, I don't want to sound like the person, you know, like there's a, you know, like, I'm not like Sam Shepard said, I'm on a farm in Virginia. Right. You can fax me only. You know what I mean? It's like, I wish I could be that guy. I mean, I definitely care. I'm definitely the guy who's, you know, works really. I'm the guy who does his homework. You know what I mean? I'm not like, I don't even know. I don't even know my agent's name. No, yeah.

18:44You've been able to stay so relevant for so long. You've had this really long career and yet you've been able to, you know, live outside of it to a certain extent, yeah? Oh, thanks. Yeah, good for you. It's admirable. Jim, how many years, what was your first break and how many years have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing it for like 35 years. And was it always stand-up first or was it an actor first and then you wanted it? It was a little bit of both, but it was, I would say, yeah, it was, you know, stand-up was something I always did, but I always wanted to act. But there's such fantastic actors in New York.

19:27Yeah, but the Jim Gaffigan show was hilarious. I want to give this stand-up. First of all, what was the first night? What was the first time you were like in front of the people? The first time I was so, you know, there's such an audacity necessary to go into this business, right? But also with stand-up to go on stage that I waited until someone dared me. I had a fear of public speaking, so I took an improv class. This was way before UCB existed. and um and in the improv class someone was like there's a stand-up seminar this is in 1990 1991 is this new york or chicago new york okay and then i so i did stand up for the first time and it was i fell in love immediately and then um how about that kind of bombed for six months and yeah yeah did you write did you write uh did you write jokes that first time or did you just kind to wing it what'd you do oh yeah no it was i did this it was kind of like a seminar thing it was like someone really holding your hand you know yeah um it was yeah it wasn't like me and my buddies went to a club and i got on stage and it was magic you know do you still like what what is your the oldest joke that you still have in your rotation like still one from that from the from in the early years at all?

20:49I mean, it's, you know, at this point, I haven't done jokes from back then for at least a decade. And sometimes I'll write a joke and I'll think, oh, this is great. And then, you know, my wife will be like, you know, that was on like your third special, that joke. I'm like, oh, all right. You're like, I don't even remember that I had done a joke. You already complained about your kids that way. Does she dabble in our industry as well? Yes, yes. So she did directing, and she also was the showrunner of the Jim Gaffigan show. And when we were, you know, initially with stand-up, we used to totally, once we were married, we wrote together.

21:43And then with five kids, it's, you know, You're lucky to have a conversation with your partner. Wait, so she's showrunner for Jim Gaffigan's show. So what, you had an overall with the network or with the studio? Yeah, that was before cable completely fell apart, even though I guess it's coming back. We had a deal at CBS. We did two rounds of pilots. They were committed to single-camera comedies, and then they weren't. And so they released us and we had an offer from a couple cable things. But the most attractive offer came from TV Land. TV Land was going to do this massive rebranding thing. And of course, we were like, all right, yeah, great.

22:37And then we went over there and then a month before the show started airing, they, yeah, we're not going to do a massive rebranding. Shawnee did some TV Land work. Yeah? Yeah, that was the show. We did, we produced. With Betty White. Hot in Cleveland. Yeah, wait a minute. Were you on, was Teachers, you guys? Or, no, that was Melissa, I think. Hot in Cleveland with Betty White. Yeah. That was the first, I think that was the first show that launched TV Land. Yeah, I think that was the big, that was part of the big TV Land relaunch. Yeah, we got lucky. Wait, so what network was Jim Gaffigan's show on that I forget?

23:09It was on TV Land. Yeah. It was. It was on TV Land. So you and your wife write the pilot together or she writes the pilot? I wrote the pilot with Peter Tolan. Oh, yeah. Who's really funny, yeah. The great Peter Tolan. And then he was under a Sony deal and so he couldn't go when we went to TV Land. I mean, sometimes they re-aired every episode on Comedy Central, so that's where people would end up seeing it. Yes. So wait, so, God, so much I'm going to talk about this. Oh, wait, by the way, I heard you love to go to Steakhouse after each stand-up thing I love Steak we just went to a Steakhouse last night you ever been to Strip Steakhouse?

23:50oh yeah how often do you guys get together and pretend they're like each other? not very we're not that good at acting we have dinner when we're on town like once a week but it's with everybody and family just the three of us is a rare thing Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's what's also so great about whenever I do podcasts is like it forces you to have these conversations with your friends because things can spin out of control and it's like getting paid to hang around your friends is not bad. Yeah, that's how this started. I know you guys donate all your money. Yes. A lot of people don't know that.

24:30Yes, yes, yes. All the money is donated, which is amazing. Are you worried though? I do think about because I love Steakhouse too in LA Sean still loves the steak sorry I can't wait to hear what Jim might be worried about in the Steakhouse industry what is it no no I mean sure jump in if you want yeah but I love please finish this I like the simplicity of the menu there's like six things because remember Jerry's Deli in Los Angeles remember Jerry's Deli you sit down I bet Cheesecake Factory must really piss you off Cheesecake Factory too it's a book and it's like 200. And I almost have to get up because my anxiety, like if there's too many choices, I can't do it.

25:11But a steakhouse, it's like there's four things here and there's four sides. What do you want? The sauces that get me pissed off at a steakhouse though. I never know which way to go. That's why I always do ketchup. I always do ketchup with my steak. Oh, fuck. You are Midwestern. Yeah, it really is. I like it at a steakhouse when they kind of show you the meat or they show you a potato. We got a potato. We got this lobster flown in from Maine. It's just like - does that. It's like so dumb guy-ish. Like, hey, you're a dumb guy. This is a potato. We can cook it for you. I love it. I know I'm jumping all around, but I want to go back to your career.

25:46Jimmy, when you first did Beyond the Pale, that was your first stand-up special, and you had I don't know how many after. What blew my mind is how many Grammys you've been nominated for. What? How many times have you been nominated? I think seven times. But I'm never going to win one. But that's crazy. That's amazing. Well, because some of it is like, I'm just so thrilled that the Grammys even include stand-up comedy. And in the end, there's always some very important newsworthy comedic event that's occurred, whether it be Chappelle doing anything. or like, you know, one year it was Weird Al Yankovic did the first comedy album in 25 years.