"Kieran Culkin"

24:02and I saw it about 42 times. Yeah, it's an amazing play. It's a great play. It's such a brilliant play. I can't let it go. Like, I played it as the character Warren in London, and I felt like I never got it right, so I spent, like, years trying to do it again and then realized I actually was right for the other part. I just had to spend years convincing Kenny Lonergan that I was right for that part, and then I got to do it, like, in Chicago, Sydney. No way. I can't seem to let it go. Oh, that I did not know. Would it make a good movie? I don't know. I've always tried to crack that one. I don't think I, I don't know.

24:39What about that? What about directing a movie? Directing? Or anything. I don't know. I don't have that thing. You don't have a directing thing. I'm not that ambitious. I doubt that's true. I doubt that's true. Yeah. You've been around film, and you've been making films since you were, as you said, six. Well, first of all, what was the first, let's get into this. What was the first professional experience you had working in TV, film, etc.? The first professional experience I had was a commercial when I was six. And I actually don't quite know what it was for. But it was like for something to do with learning disabilities.

25:12And I remember that I was put, the concept was I'm standing in front of a chalkboard with chalk in my hand. And I don't know how to solve the easy thing in front of me. And the kids in class are supposed to be calling me dummy and stupid, all that. And I have a distinct memory of being there and the director going, okay. he's like action and he starts going dummy idiot stupid oh my god and like even then even then I'm thinking like you know I get it I'm six like stand here and look sad I'm not fucking method I'm six what's wrong with you right right right oh my god I think he was just but why do I have I have this image of you I can't remember when I was watching where you were either you hosted or your brother hosted SNL oh good I thought you were gonna say I have this image of you on my hard drive okay keep going well that's Leah Yeah, that too.

25:58But wait, why were you on? What was I watching where they did a zoom in on you and you were like on stage on SNL or something? So I hosted SNL a couple of years ago and it was 30 years. Oh, that's what it was. It was 30 years almost to the day. It was like a couple of days shy of being 30 years from when my brother hosted. And I got to be in like three sketches. So I got to be there for the good nights and stuff like that. That's really cool. That was so cool. Was that surreal? That really was. And it was one of those things I thought would never ever happen, but there's very few things. Like I said, I'm not very ambitious.

26:30I don't have these big aspiring dreams, but hosting SNL was like that one. That one and voicing The Simpsons, which I still haven't done yet. Those are the two things I've always wanted to do. Here they come. I remember when JB was asked to host the first time. This is a true story. You probably don't remember this. You got asked to do it. this was in, you did it in like January of 2005, I think. It wasn't after like the first year or second year of it? Second year, yeah. Yeah, it was January 2005. And I remember you going, dude, they just asked me, I'm going to host SNL. I go, that's fucking great.

27:09And you go, I mean, it's like a dream come true. And I was like, yeah, no shit. Obviously, it's a fucking, what do you think you're fucking, this was a dream come true for me. Oh, is it? No, but a lot of people, but there's a lot of people, and I won't mention their names here because maybe they're not excited about it, but they will never host SNL because it's so frightening to them. I've heard that, yeah. It's like the thing they would least like to do, and they've turned it down a million times. There's tons of them. Yeah, I guess. I've heard that one. So that's probably where I was coming from.

27:45Okay, that's a good defense. Do you want to know my favorite good nights stories? Because when you do the good nights at the end, And all that's on the cue card is like the musical guest and anybody else that showed up. And like, while you're like five seconds of TV, Lauren goes, okay, enjoy. And I go, what do I say? He goes, anything you want. And walks away. And all I'm doing is looking at the cue cards. And then, you know, but I said the normal good nights, but my favorite I've ever seen was Liam Neeson hosted, like in early 2000s. And the camera cuts to him and he just goes, modest mouse. And then it's just quiet.

28:19and then they just start playing the music. It's so good. It's just reading the cards, not doing it anymore. He literally just read the cue card. I love it. Not his mouse. I love it. I started hugging. Karen, you can't be you and not be super smart. Like, you seem hyper-intelligent because while you talk fast, like I usually do, not today on morphine, but you talk, but it seems like you're firing on all cylinders. Did they say that you had to smoke the morphine? I don't get it. So they gave you the option. You were like, no, I want to. I still have a, what is it called? A drip point. Track marks.

28:53But you seem really like, you talk fast, which means you think fast, which means you can probably, like when Will was talking to you or Jason was talking about directing, it seems like people who fire in all cylinders all the time can do stuff like that. So if you don't want to do that, what do you do to like - Occupy all that extra bandwidth. Yeah. God, I don't know, drive my wife crazy. I don't even have like hobbies. Crosswords? I don't like, not even, I do like, you know, whirtle-quirtle bullshit like I know you guys do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't it weird that I know stuff about you because I listen to your show too much?

29:24We'll pull him in. There's that empty seat. Have you guys ever filled my seat? Yeah, no, we haven't. Better way to say that. Yeah. We still play every morning. Whirtle-quirtle and octurtle. Octurtle. You do the octurtle? Octurtle I haven't done in a whitel. Oh, yeah. A whitel. In a whitel. In a whitel. What a dipshit. Yeah, you just said I'm smart and I speak fast. Not correctly. But quickly. I will say today was really tough. It was a bust. We had three busts on Quirtle today, which was a big. It was sending shockwaves through our Quirtle, Quirtle, Wordle, what we call nurdle. Now, Kieran, I find it hard to believe.

30:03There's nurdle, too. Nurdle does exist. It's a masculine. You're really saying you do not have a hobby. I don't buy it. Tell me, just tell me what your day is. Do you live in New York full time? Are you a New York guy? I live in New York full time, but also I'm amazed that people do things in a day. Like, I just don't, I don't get it. So you wake up. Exactly. You get the kid off to school. How many kids do you have? That's it. That's the whole, I just woke up. You wake up, exactly. I'm already getting ready for bed. How did that happen? What did I do? How many kids do you have? I have two, a three-year-old and a five-year-old.

30:33So that's my hobby, I guess, is that's any, anytime I'm not, like, this is really lovely and I really want to be here, but I feel like any time I'm doing something, I'm just trying to get home to be with the kids. Right. Exactly. And then, are you like me? do you put on the PJs as soon as you're home if you know you're not leaving again the rest of the day, even if it's 1.30 in the afternoon? Yeah. Absolutely. I mean, like, my walking around, like, it's a pair of shorts and a big T-shirt, but yeah, it's the same idea. And then, so then, is it television? Is it a book? Like, what are you, you're not just sitting on a couch staring at the wall.

31:01God, I haven't read a book since I had a kid, so that would be five years ago. I forgot you're not a reader because the words just keep coming at you, right, Jason? Yeah, TV. Yeah, it's just too much. We're watching TV. The words just keep coming. They really do. They just, it's relentless. Like, you know. Almost no time for TV or movies unless like I can put it like in a schedule. I don't know. So when you're done with us today, you log off and then what? I have like a little Zoom meeting right after you and then I have to go do some, I'm still doing press for the movie. So then like about an hour after that Zoom, I go do press.

31:34I actually don't know what the thing is I'm going to. I stopped looking at the itinerary. They tell me to like get in the car at 11.30. I get in at like 12, 15 and hope for the best. I literally, this happened a couple weeks ago. I got in the back of a car about 45 minutes late and the guy said, Delta Airlines? And I went, I don't know. And he said, he goes, JFK? And I said, beats me, man. I really don't fucking know. You probably know. And then we literally, I wasn't even sure if I was going to the airport except for that I had a bag that was already packed. I got to the airport. I put my passport in the machine.

32:05And as I put it in, I realized, I don't know where I'm going today. Wow. Yeah. And it was a good thing too because it was a long flight. I was going to Warsaw. I'm glad I brought my passport. Why were you going to Warsaw? Warsaw. Reshoot. The movie was shot in Poland. Oh, this movie. Yeah, this movie. It was shot there. How did you like Warsaw? Yeah, I was about to say. I hardly saw it. We were shooting like six day weeks. More like no-saw. Hey, huh? All right. Yeah, that was good. Good for you, Will. Thank you. Poland, I hear, is a very, very beautiful country. Oh, you've been hearing that? I have been hearing that.

32:38I have not yet visited yet. Yeah. Hearing it a lot. We're like on the grapevine? Yeah, on my text threads. Really nice parks. My wife's from London, and she always brags about how the parks in London are the best in the world. But the best parks she's ever seen were in Warsaw. Really? So she went with you. The kids went with you? At the beginning. They were there for the first like 11 to 12 days, and then once they left, I was, yeah, popping around. And how long were you alone without them? 25 days. That was, yeah. That's long. Oh, no, that was murderous, yes. 25 shooting days? That's five weeks?

33:1225 full, no, 25 full days. 25 full days, all right. And actually, yeah, I tried to actually back out of the movie once I saw that that was the schedule. Jesse didn't know about that. Wow. Because I had recently, I don't know if you guys have these rules. Like, I just did, when I was doing Succession, I had to do eight days away, and I was like, that was tough but manageable. And then I had to do 11 and went, I can't do that. Eight is my, that's my new rule. Wait, you live in New York. The show is shot in New York. Jason, that's the opposite of your rule, right? Which is it's minimum six months away.

33:42Or you're out. Well, they're just so noisy, these kids. What about, wait, where did you have to go for succession that took you out for eight and 11 days out of Wich, New York? There was a lot of places, you know, like there's usually like once per season, watch the show that we ended up somewhere else. You know, Italy, Norway. Sean's never seen a rest of development. And we've been doing this podcast and we've been friends for 20 years. I know, still? Yeah. I've watched it three times. I haven't seen Ozark. It's okay. I always say I've seen it as much as they've watched Will and Grace. I've seen a lot of Will and Grace and I was fucking on Will and Grace.

34:16You were on Will and Grace. Yeah. So why don't you fucking, when you're sitting there passing your stone and nothing else that you can't do fuck all, watch a couple episodes. So you guys shot in incredible locations for Succession. That I do know. You guys shot like in... Croatia, Tuscany. Yeah. Yeah. Norway. We were all over the map. I know. How good is that? But it wasn't that, no, it wasn't that like nice. I remember like at the end of season two, my wife was like heavily pregnant. It was August. She's back in New York and she was basically complaining about how hot it was and she was alone and all this stuff.

34:48And she's like, and you're on a yacht in Croatia. I'm like, I'm not on a yacht. I'm on a fucking set. It's not like I'm going swimming between takes and all that. It's like, that's the thing when we travel to all these places, unless you can specifically get some time off after, you're not really seeing the stuff. Yeah. I don't know. Right. Wait, wait, Kieran. So you've always been a New Yorker. I want to get back to this because I saw a video, something of you recently, not even in anticipation of doing this. I just saw it out in the world of you revisiting your childhood apartment. Oh, wow. Yeah.

35:19Oh, yeah. That was on CBS Sunday Morning, which is a great show. Yeah. Right? That was a great show. Yeah, it was. And it was really cool. And I loved you going in and then seeing your former neighbor. That was not planned at all. We were just like, they were setting up a camera outside and he was like, oh, hi, Kieran. I looked up. I was like, Alice? Oh, thanks. Yeah, it really worked. So talk a little bit about like growing up in New York and auditioning for stuff and what that was like. And now, as I mentioned in the lead-in, Jason, we often talk about people, about being able to have that longevity and be able to kind of take what you, be a child actor and have that translate into becoming an adult actor as well is really rare.

36:00Yeah, petrifying. I feel like other than what I mentioned earlier about learning lines fast and knowing that stuff, I feel like everything I did as a kid, I don't think I apply any of the acting stuff I used to do as a kid to what I do now. Really? I think it's the, yeah, because sometimes I see that in former kid actors. I don't know if you know what I'm talking about, where there's sort of like bad habits you can sort of pick up along the way that you have to be mindful to. Right, you mentioned, in Igby, the director was like, I'm seeing the kid tricks. Just fucking knock it off and be better, basically.

36:34Yeah, stop showing me what you're doing, you know. Stop, you know, yeah, stop trying to show me what the character's doing. Stop showing me what's happening in the scene. Like, you know, that's my job. Yeah, force us to lean in and read your mind, right? So you kind of, you shifted what you did. Like, Jason, I'm sure a lot of stuff that you used to do, like on Growing Pains, is now different, right? No, no, no, that's Kirk Cameron. will. Sorry. Can I talk to you for a second? Yes. This whole time? The whole time I've never been. Yeah. But now, Karen, did you have the same level of panic and horror when you were starting thinking about, my God, am I going to be able to transition my ability to make a dollar into adulthood?

37:22Or should I go to college? Should I get something where I have a diploma and I have a reasonable expectation of sort of a base salary and some consistency and predictability in my life. God, I don't really think all that often. So all I know is, like, I suddenly found myself at, like, 20. And I remember my manager, who I'm still with, I've been with her for 30 years, she, like, used the word career and I kind of panicked because I've been doing it since six. But it's like, a six-year-old shouldn't really pick their occupation for the rest of their life. That's not really, they're not really qualified to do that.

37:53you know so I think I kind of panicked and was like okay well I don't know if this is what I want to do so I think I spent many years trying to figure out what I want to do but at that point you're 20 at that point you're 20 so you could still kind of start college you'd be a 20 year old freshman which is not cute but you still could have done it I'm a high school dropout as well I don't really you know yeah yeah but like Jason you asked remember we asked this recently to Carrie Russell and she was like no I had no thought about making the leap from being a child actor to a... She didn't worry about it at all.

38:30You did. You were cognizant of it. I did, but I still didn't do anything to mitigate the risk. In other words, I wasn't taking night classes in real estate. It was just... I mean, it's really fucking stupid what I did and what you did, Karen, what Carrie did. We're still at this... I'm 55. I'm still running sort of wild. Great show, by the way. Yeah. You know, like if this doesn't work out in the next, what, six months, things could go completely dry at any point in any of our careers. And we don't have a diploma or a degree in something that says, no, no, no, I'm knocking on the door. I should give me a job.

39:10But isn't that the thing that drives you? Is that fear? Yeah, but it's this anxiety that's behind all the time. I know. I think a really good antidote to that also for me has been rich parents. you fucker I'm kidding I'm kidding that must be really nice yeah I'm being flippant it's true it's not true it's not true I remember my grandma like about 20 years ago she was in North Dakota she asked me like she goes you still acting I said yeah and she goes when was your last job and I said oh god like a little over a year ago and she goes you should get into meat people always need meat huh really really your grandma's not terrible not terrible not terrible advice people will always eat it yeah we'll be right back

39:56and now back to the show forgive me is it just you and Macaulay that were actors or were there other people in your family my brother Rory actually at some point we were all sort of like given the opportunity to act and some of them just didn't take to it some did and then of all seven of us and then parents seven kids seven kids in that small little apartment sorry Where do you fall in that? Right in the middle. Yeah. Okay. But I don't really have that middle child thing. Uh-huh. Because I was like the favorite. Yep, there you go. I don't really believe in birth order as much as other people do.

40:31Yeah. You had, you're one of four, right, Willie? Yeah. Yeah. I was the baby, like my whole, I was the baby for almost 10 years than my brother was born. So, you know, two older sisters. And I don't know. I just don't buy into it. Yeah. Yeah, you make of it what you will. Yeah, exactly. Whatever the order is. We're all capable of anything. Real quick, their names? Callum, Jack, Watt, and... Jack, Watt. We'll let you come back on that. Okay. I do love them, I think. Look it up. Sean, you have a question for our guest? No, I was just saying, but then as far as the lineage of the Culkin family...

41:10I'm loving if Sean just threw up right now. And the kidney stone comes out my throat instead of my people. Guys, I passed it. No, but parents and grandparents and like, or did it, or did this acting bug start with you, the kids of the cult? It's like my, I think my father and his siblings did it as kids. That's sort of my understanding. Because actually I only know that because a few years ago we went through an old storage unit and I found this like pamphlet of, I guess what his parents were trying to like, I don't know what exactly what it was, but it was like, hey, we have a son that's an actor and we have this other son that's a magician.

41:46and it was like sort of like we have these performing arts kids. Wow. Isn't it amazing the stuff you find out about your parents way later? Like I grew up without knowing anything about my mom or obviously my dad, but my mom. I had no idea your dad was such a great driver. I know. Do you know the make of the car? At least. I guess your dad didn't own a map. You didn't know that your dad didn't own a map, I guess? Or he had a bad memory. Or he had a bad memory. Wait, do you guys remember that car, the MG? The MG? Oh, yeah, sure. My dad owned that. No kidding. He built a car built for one. Built for barely two people.

42:27And he had five kids. That's the first sign, man. Yes, I know. You should have punctured the tires. I know. Isn't that the truth? Isn't that the truth? Like, that's such a red flag. Oh, God. It's such a red flag. The joke never gets old. You know what the other red flag was? What did he say? I'm fucking out of here.

42:55Oh, man. So fucking funny. This is so weird for me because it feels like you're just meeting me, but I feel like I'm hanging out with my old friends that are just fucking with each other. You are. We are. My wife used to tell me for months she was listening to this show before I listened to it. This happened on more than one occasion. She'd be like, oh, my friend said blah, blah, blah the other day. we were having this chat and I said, which friend was it? And she'd think, oh, fuck. That was smartless. It happens all the time. Who is that? Was that Shams? No, I know. She actually, like a couple months ago we were at this, because her favorite episode is the one you guys did with Matthew Rhys.

43:28Oh, yeah. She loved it. She listened to it more than once. So we're at this party and she goes, oh, Matthew's here. Let's go say hi. And she started dragging me over. And I was like, Matthew who? And then she, right before we got to him, she stopped me and started pushing me away. She goes, never mind. We haven't met him. We're not friends. Oh, my God. That's not listening. I love her. That's hysterical. I love her already. What is her name? That's sweet. Jazz. Jazz. Jazz. Hey, Jazz. J-A-Z-Z. And it's not short for anything. Actually, right when I met her, that was one of the first things I said.

43:53It's not. It's dumb. When I first met her, I shook her hand and I said, what's your name? She went, Jazz. I said, J-A-Z-Z? Like the music? She went, yeah. I said, well, that's fucking stupid. And it just came out of me. And right away, I was like, I blew it. but instead she laughed so it worked out all right. Where were you when you guys met? Tell us the story. Is it a meet you? At a bar. But that was it. I mean, what I love about the story is it's fast. That was pretty much it. The only other thing was when I walked into a bar I was with a friend. Is that your ride? I saw her. Yeah, that's...

44:23You have to go? This is New York City. You're like, I don't know where the car's taking me but yeah. It's my dealer. It's my dealer. Yeah. I walked in a bar I saw her and I yelled, holy shit. Yeah? What city? What city? New York. And I was with this dude. And I said, like, hey, we need to go stand near this girl, which I realize now sounds kind of creepy. And so we stood near her. That's what we had to do before these dating apps. You just had to, like, kind of circle. Yeah, you show up. Fucking easy now, right? This was 13 years ago. She was sitting at a table with some dude, and the moment he got up to leave to go to the bathroom, I just jumped in there and stole his seat.

44:59No way. And I literally, like, all I did is I sat down and said, sorry, I just stole your friend's seat. And she went, that's okay. I said, was that your boyfriend? She said, no. I said, do you have a boyfriend? She would, no. I said, then I'm Kieran. Wow. Oh, wow. I've never been that forward in my life. And then she said, I'm Jazz. And you said, that's fucking stupid. And I said, that's fucking stupid. And then what are you drinking? You guys have been making music ever since. What part of town were you in? Do you remember? It was, what the hell was the name of the place? It was on 7th and 8th.

45:28It was called Cabin Down Below. Oh, nice. Do you know that one? I don't know if I know Cabin Down Below. 7th and A, so that is Lower East Side, I want to say? Lower East Side. It was one of those places where I kept getting turned away. Every time I tried to go there, they were like, it's a private party because I wasn't dressed cool or I wasn't famous. But they knew my wife. There was one time I went there, and I was with a couple of, I'm not meaning to name drop, I was there with a couple of famous-y people. And I walked up first, and they were like, sorry, private party. And I looked back at one of my friends.

46:02I'll just tell you who it was. it was Scarlett Johansson she's like I got this and she walked up she goes hi they're with me and he looked at her and said it's a private party and then he looked he looked up and went jazz? and she was like yeah I was like oh are they with you? and she would yeah come on in ah jazz for the win she's just one of those fucking people she's like that's one of those New York fucking jazzy jazz she's just one of those people man she makes friends everywhere now since you guys since acting is generational what about the three-year-old and the five-year-old. What are you thinking?

46:34I'm not against that. You're going to support it? Yeah. I mean, I had a really nice experience with it growing up. Yeah, it was nice. However, it is that thing, getting back to that other point, it's like, are you going to, at some point, I would imagine you would say, now, do you want to kind of help your odds a little bit by going to college at the same time, maybe? I would probably encourage an education. I never got one, but I don't know. Yeah, I would probably encourage that but I don't really know. And I've also heard of people, this is something I kind of wish, it hasn't come to bite me in the ass really but I remember doing like a lot of press as a kid and I feel like I would maybe try to protect them from doing that a bit because sometimes I'll get quoted on something stupid.

47:19I said, I'm like, I was 13. That's not what they actually think. Like I don't, you know. Sean, remember that time you paid that guy to bite you in the ass?

47:29Sorry. It just reminded me of that story. Surprisingly cheap too, wasn't it? Yeah. I mean, he lowered his rates for me. That's really funny. There's also the part about like training yourself to believably be someone else at a time when you're trying to figure out who you are. Like starting to act when you're a little kid. Did that ever screw you up at all? No, I think other things probably screwed me up. I don't know if that was it. What fucked you guys up? You feeling pretty balanced now? Self-analysis or professional analysis? I'm a big fan. Therapy? Therapy? No therapy. I prefer to go undiagnosed.

48:09I love therapy. I should. I know. Long walks work too. Sean, you go to therapy? We're all a work in progress. I go to therapy every week. I love it. Oh, yeah, you do. Instead of dumping it all on Scotty, I just pay somebody to listen. Again. Again, I think Sean. You beat me to it.

48:33Oh my God. All right, Kira, what about, are we a sports fan, television show fan? You've said no. No, watch TV. No hobbies. I don't do anything. Wait, it's so, like it's, I don't understand it. I don't know. I just don't have time. I don't even get to the gym. So do you go, do you meet people for coffee? Do you like, what do you do? No, I don't really even have friends anymore. What will you, click and you just hang up. Kind of. What will you do after this, Kira, after you're done with this little... He's got to Zoom and then he's got to go do more press. I got like a press thing and I got the thing.

49:03I like doing this. Hey, this is kind of a new one. I think I need therapy because I like doing... I like flower arrangements now. Do you really? Okay, there you go. Yeah, I do. I like doing that. That gives me some calm. What about a garden on the roof of your apartment? That's such a nightmare. It's New York. That's not going to be nice no matter how you frame it. There's public gardens. You can rent a public square... That's a bit of a bummer too, I find. I'll do crafts with you until we fucking... Careful, Karen. all the time. Until what? Yeah, I don't know. But we could get macaroni and glue and make stuff on a paper plate.

49:31I can do that with my children, but yeah, please come on over. You can join us. We got all that stuff. He's turned into a morphine addict. He's going to steal your silverware. It's not. I'll never leave him alone with the kids, but yeah, he can come over and supervise. Now, when do you start rehearsals on the play? Yeah. Oh, gosh, February or something like that. That terrifies me. Can we get a commitment? Can the three of us come to the opening night of your play? Yeah, you're invited. Of course you can. The public is inviting my stupid ass. No, I'm asking you to - You need me to give up one of my five tickets to you three?

50:04Yes. I mean, I could. Yeah, fine. Fuck it. Leave them alone, though. I'm sure you have connections yourself, but fine. You three are my guests. We want to come. No plus ones, though. Exactly. Now, is Jazz in the business as well? No, not at all. No. But she understands enough about what you do to - It's taken a while. She used to think that, like, she goes, I don't understand why, like, actors get awards and things. She literally thought that, like, directors puppeteered the actor, told him where to sit and the cadence on how to speak. So that's literally what her point of view was on it. She had never been on a set or anything around it.

50:39Right. She's come to understand it a bit now. Where'd she grow up, Chet? Yeah? Like, what's going on? London, but yeah. Okay. Closer than here. Oh, I do like London. Close. You guys spend a lot of time over there as a result? We do. Yeah. I love it out there. We always consider it out there. I do too. I notice the throw, the throw pillow behind it. Yeah, that's what that is. And yeah, that's what we do here. Look at Sean. Look at Sean's right eye. Is it half? Oh my God. Is it open? No, no. The whole show, it's just been half open. The left one's fully open. The right one is really tired. Like that.

51:12Sean was just, this morning, Sean spent 45, he spent 45 minutes bent at the waist outside his front door this morning. And that, it's so true. It's so true. I was at the ER at Cedars, and there's like, it was a seven-hour wait. What? What is wrong with you? Why didn't you cancel? Because I had, there's no other option. Was Scotty with you? Yeah. So you didn't take the driverless cab this time? I told him, I'm like, fuck off, I'll just take the thing. That's sweet. What's it called again? That's sweet. Waymo. Waymo. Waymo. And you did have a good experience, right? Yeah, I love the Waymo. Yeah.

51:47Do they have that yet in New York, Karen? I've never heard of that. It's the driverless side. Oh, that scares the shit out of me. No, I haven't seen any here. How do you get around New York? Are you a bike rider? Oh, God, no. I don't do that either. See, that would fall under hobby probably or at least exercise, and I don't do that. Yeah, no. Are you a subway guy? Subway, yeah, yeah. That's the best way to get my kids to school. And if it's raining, you'd take a cab. Yeah. No, not today. It's rainy today. How do you, you know what I've never figured out about the subway is once you come up out of the stairs after you've reached your destination, I can't figure out whether I'm looking north, south, east, or west because I can't find the sun.

52:24Oh, my God, because you're used to getting in the back seat and your driver just taking you places? Sir, can you change your radio station? This is a whole host. I actually requested nobody talk to me on this ride. You know how you know a lot of the times, JB, is because on the avenues, certainly on the avenues, you know which direction they go, whether they go uptown or downtown, so you can kind of get a sense of that. You can look at the numbers. I think if you can count, you can sort of figure it out. Yeah, but that necessitates walking a block to see if the numbers are going up or down. That's my problem.

52:56Oh, gasp, yes. You might walk one block out of the way. But like I shouldn't have to walk a block to figure out which way I'm going. Well, you also have like smarty phones now. Do you want to go to a council meeting in New York? Maybe you can be heard, you know what I mean? Well, yeah, what would you suggest? There's somebody at the exit of every station telling you where to go? In England, they take the time to paint on the road there, look left, you know, like maybe New York can say, you are facing north on the ground. Yeah, but it doesn't say which direction you're facing. It doesn't say north or south.

53:26Case dismissed. Yeah. That's so you don't get hit by a car. No, I understand, but I'm saying there are efforts that the infrastructure folks can go to, you know, to help out the people on the road. This is real stuff. Sean, I remember last week you were having dinner at Richard and Jenny's and you came outside and I was bent over at the waist. This is true. And I said, and I looked at me and I go, yeah, higher on. Do you remember that? Oh, God, that was one of the hardest times. It just reminded me. Wait, what? Being hunched over at the waist. You know Richard, Richard Ehrlich? Yeah. The world's best realtor.

53:56If you're looking for a house in Los Angeles area, contact Richard Ehrlich. That's a true story. That is true story. And we walk out to our car as the night's over and we're walking out to his driveway. And Will goes acting like he's completely bombed out of his mind. He goes, hey, man, can I ask you something? I go, yeah. He goes, do you know where I can get some heroin? I'm just asking for a friend. I'm asking for heroin. I'm asking for a friend. I don't want it. I don't want anything to do with it. By the way, let's not make light of people who are struggling with it. No, of course not. It was just a funny fun.

54:28Obviously, we're not. We're just having fun because Sean happens to be hooked on morphine. Hooked on. I don't mean addicted to. Karen, this is it. We could just talk to you all day knowing that you have nothing else to do. No, he's got to do this all over again. He's got to do it all over again, right? Is there anything you want to ask Sean? Is there anything, because you've listened to a few episodes, is there anything you need to know from Sean? Go ahead. Ask him why he hates his colon so much. Yeah, why are he always in the hospital? What is wrong? No, because my, yeah. Well, I'm not, just my heart thing is the big thing, but it's all being taken care of.

55:06Well, you know why, Karen, if you went to Sean and Scotty's house, every day, every meal, it's like a 12-year-old's birthday party. This is true. Okay. I know. It's true. It's true. Napkins on laps. I kind of eat the same. I'm kind of the same when it comes to the food thing. Yeah. You like the food? I do. And it's the shitty stuff. Like my wife the other day reached in and grabbed some Cheetos that I was eating, was about to, and then she let go and said, what am I doing? Wait, what are you doing? Where did these come from? And I said, they were in the house. She goes, how? Stop putting this in our house.

55:38How old, Amanda, are you? 42. Yeah. And I can't be eating like that. Do you guys take turns going to the market and doing the shopping? Yeah, and then, you know, I do that thing where I shop hungry, and then I'm buying the— I find that they have, like, that chicken and a biscuit. You know those, like, box of crackers? Yes, two bits. I love those. I'll buy them by the case. I love just pushing the cart row by row by row. No list at all. I'm just going to go down each row, however long it takes. I'm going to look at everything and see what I want. But you don't put anything in the cart, right? Oh, no, I feel it.

56:08J.B., I love hearing you describe sort of normal, you know, everyday necessity for people as a novel idea. You know what I mean? Hashtag relatable. You know what I like to do? I like to walk into an office and get into all the places. I like to pretend I have a job. Where's my call? Berk, berk, berk. Amazing. Amazing. Kieran Culkin, what a delight you are. You are a delight. Yes, you guys are fun. You're a good man. You'd be a good dinner hangman. Maybe we'll hit you up for dinner in New York. Come see the show. Yeah, I want to see the show. I really want to see the show. Let's all hang out and do the thing.

56:43You guys never do repeat guests on your show either, right? We have done it on live. When we did the tour, we did some repeats and had some friends. I remember that. I watched that doc. It was great. That's when I learned from you, Jason, and I think about it every time I'm about to shake a salad. You said, don't shake it. Do you remember that? Whenever you put the dressing in a salad, you went, don't shake it. Don't shake it. I think of it every time now, and I go, oh, wait, I'm not supposed to shake it. Then I go, wait, why? What's wrong with you? Let it cascade. Wow. Shake it. You got to shake it to get it even.

57:11I'm a pretty vigorous shaker now. Let it cascade. Let it cascade. What a t-shirt. Let that dressing. See, merch. This is what you guys need. More quotes like that. Let it cascade. That's a sweater right there. And the Tracy one. That's right. Yeah, and the Tracy one, which she wears. Talk to me like I'm Tracy. I will come to see you. You are a guy who you deserve all the success that you're having now, especially considering how hard you worked and how talented you are. such a massive fan. Dude, honestly, what a thrill to have you. Yeah, keep going. This was a dream come true. I mean it. Thanks, guys.

57:42KC, KC. Big, big fan. See you in a few months. Go get him. Bye, guys. Bye, Kieran. Thanks, pal. And he's slamming it. They told me to not slam it, but I'm slamming it. Who says not? No, no, no, don't slam it. They said don't slam it. Because you've got a redundant record. Are you doing your record at home? I am, that's why. I got to do a thing. Wait, do I do a thing now and then I slam it? Do your thing and then you can slam. Great, goodbye. Yeah. I don't know how to do it. What do I do? What do I do with the thing? I don't know what I'm... So if you bring your mouse to the bottom, do you see that little sound icon?

58:09No. Yes, no. Yes. Click on that. Yes, and then it hits stop. It hits stop and then hits save. You guys got to use this as part of the goodbye. Okay. I press stop and then no, I just press stop. I don't see anything that says save. We're fucked. At the top left, file and save. Share, save. So embarrassed. Savesies. So embarrassing. Oh my God. This is all in the show. This is such a great goodbye. I'm done? Do I fucking slam it now? That's it. Slam it. Love you, bye. Love you, bye. Now, there's a nice young fella, Will. There is a nice young fella. You're right. What a great guest. That was a good guest.

58:45That was a good guest. Good guest. I've been excited to have him. And like I said, we had to reschedule, and that was a whole thing. But I was like, oh, God, we were so close to getting him. I'm so glad we had him on. I've always wanted to meet him. He was worth the wait. The interviews I've seen him do, I used to be like, God, that's a great guy. I wonder if they just got him on a good day. Right, right. I hope he's really like that. And he really is. He really is like that. I want to work with him. I want to hang with him. Hey, Sean, now as you scan the buys. Yeah, I wanted to talk to him about his eyes.

59:18I saw his eyes scan. Well, I'm about to watch Home Alone again because we watch it every year and he's got a little part in Home Alone. Yeah. Yeah, I love that. Yeah, I bet you he's still getting residuals on that. they're not they're not they're not thick ones anymore but fun to see actually you know what film he was in he was in the first one and also the second one yeah which was what father of the bride bride bride bride pretty good that was pretty good smart nice

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