"RE-RELEASE: Chelsea Handler"

15:59Why don't you drive with him across country so you're not alone? Oh, my God. And I was like, and he goes, it's safer that way, Chelsea. And I was like, yeah, but this isn't a great endorsement. I mean, you just met this guy last night at a bar. But of course I was like, sure. So I pick up the guy. I don't remember his name. His name was Andy Dick.

16:19Will Arnett:Andy Dick. Yeah, it was Andy Dick, actually. It was David Spade and Andy Dick.

16:24Sean Hayes:He was two guys. The guy was two guys. It was twins. I was like, are you guys? Oh, my God. He said one guy. And they just started multiplying. And the guy says to me, he goes, hey, do you want to go get some Coke in the city for the trip? And I was 19. And this was before I discovered, you know. Was it Bateman that you picked up? It was. And I do like Bateman's cocaine stories, but it wasn't him.

16:49Will Arnett:Guys, let her do the big reveal. All right. You're jumping ahead.

16:55And the guy goes, let's get some Coke. And I was like, all right. So we drive into New York City. He picks up his Coke, right? We're in the car. I don't even know if I had ever done cocaine at this point in my life. And we get in the car and we're driving. It's like a five-hour drive. We left from New Jersey, and I think we ended up somewhere in Maryland because we were heading down south to go down that whatever route it is. And we get to a hotel room. We get two beds. And we check in, and he starts doing the coke. And I was like, really? The first night? I was like, how's this going to work?

17:29And then he got maps out. Sure. This was before, you know, our cell phones. He got maps out and he was laying them all across the room while he was snorting coke and trying to figure out different routes that we could take. And I was like, oh, my fucking God. Sounds like a great night. He should have laid down the coke in the route. Happening. And it was so annoying. And he wouldn't shut up. He just kept talking and talking. I go, dude, you got to stop talking. I have to sleep. I'm driving. Clearly, you're never going to be able to drive again because there's a pound of cocaine in our room. and you're either, and then I was like, what if he dies on my watch?

18:03So I go to sleep. No, he's going to try to kiss you first.

18:05Will Arnett:Did he try to kiss you then? Yeah, of course. Yeah. I go to sleep. I woke up. He was inside of me. Yeah. I go to sleep. Bet it wasn't hard though. I wake up and he's still up from the night before with the maps and he's like, I think we could go this way and I think we could go this way. And I was like, there's no way this is happening. So I take my suitcase. I go, hey, I want to go put our stuff in the car. I take both of our suitcases. I leave his right outside our room. And I take mine. I put it in the trunk. And I just pulled out of that, like, Maryland hotel that we were in. And drove the rest of the way across country by myself.

18:44And left him about five hours out. Yes. Ever hear from him again? My brother was like, once I got to California, I was like, thanks a lot for that idiot. Yeah. And he goes, I heard you left him in Maryland. I was like, yeah, I did. And he said, yeah, he had to take a taxi all the way back. He said it was$2 ,000.

19:04By the way, telling the taxi driver where to go and which route is best still. What a fucking... Yeah, that taxi driver. It was probably, yeah, that taxi driver was like, actually, it was$500 until you started talking. So now it's$2 ,000.

19:19Will Arnett:And we will be right back. Oh, boy. You know, we talk about closets a lot on this show. We sure do. Kicking the door down, coming on out. We're basically talking about that closets are for clothes. Oh, I just knew. And I've taken that too much to heart because my closet is stuffed. I've been meaning to go through my closet. Oh, you should sell some of them. I should sell it. I mean, listen, you know, what feels familiar in my closet may be exactly what someone else is searching for. Buy, sell, and discover affordable secondhand fashion you'll love with the resale marketplace, Depop. Reselling can feel overwhelming, but on Depop, getting started is easy.

20:04Will Arnett:Just snap a pic of your item and Depop can take care of the rest, including suggesting a price to help sell. One of the best parts, there are no seller fees, which means you keep more of your money. No printer required. And you can even choose a convenient drop-off, No matter your style, Depop is where people with all kinds of tastes come to sell and shop. It really is for everyone. Parents selling kids wear, people shopping for the perfect outfit for a Friday night out, and anyone who wants to express themselves and play with trends on their own terms. Download the Depop app now and start listening today.

20:50Will Arnett:Sun's out and so is dad. This Father's Day, find what'll make his summer with Lowe's Father's Day deals. Get two free DeWalt power tools when you buy a select 5-amp hour battery kit. Plus get a free Blackstone 6-piece stainless steel griddle kit when you buy a select Blackstone griddle. Shop Lowe's Father's Day deals in-store or online. Valid through June 24th while supplies last. Selection varies by location. So you're saying with Hilton Honors, I can use points for a free night stay anywhere? Anywhere. What about fancy places like the Canopy in Paris? Yeah, Hilton Honors, baby. Or relaxing sanctuaries like the Conrad and Tulum?

21:27Hilton Honors, baby.

21:29Will Arnett:What about the five-star Waldorf Astoria in the Maldives? Are you going to do this for all 9 ,000 properties? When you want points that can take you anywhere, anytime, it matters where you stay. Hilton for the stay. And now back to the show. So when you got out to L.A., you're 19 years old. Yeah, you pull in.

21:48Sean Hayes:You're on the fucking freeway. Where do you go? What's the first stop?

21:51Will Arnett:What would you want to do? I just wanted people to hear. I just felt like I had strong opinions, and I thought I had a lot of misplaced confidence, and I believed that people would benefit from hearing what I had to say. Like, I really believed that my own thoughts were valuable and that I was going to make a contribution in some way. I think I was just thirsty, you know, for the attention, to be honest. That's just basically what it was. But I wanted to make it into something a little bit more sophisticated or, you know. And then I lived with my aunt and uncle who lived in on Beverly Glen. They had nine children.

22:25And I became their kind of nanny. And I would drive these kids to school every morning in a minivan while I was listening to Stern. And I just started waiting tables. And then I was like, all right, what the fuck am I going to do out here? Like, how am I going to get discovered? Like, I just assumed somebody would see me and be like, oh, okay, come with us.

22:45Will Arnett:And what was first? Did you just, did you go to the comedy store? Did you go to the improv? Did you, like, get an agent? What was first? Well, I went to, I got a DUI when I was 21 years old.

22:56Sean Hayes:Unusual route. Good start. Unusual. Yes, unusual and unexpected, quite frankly. And I'd like to note that I have never had one since because I like to learn my lesson the first time and make it the last time. But anyway, I got my DUI and I had to go to DUI classes, which is basically a system that they put you in where they teach you how to get out of your next DUI. So they tell you, like, if you get pulled over the minute you say you've had something to drink, you're screwed. Like, you always have to say no, deny, deny, deny. And I was like, wait, what is this class? You're just basically teaching us how to avoid getting arrested again.

23:31And it's being paid for by the state. Right. And then everyone had to get up and tell their DUI story. And so I was really, really scared because I didn't like public speaking and I didn't know. So I would just kind of hide in the back of the class every week, like, don't fucking pick on me. I don't know what I'm going to say. I don't know what my story is. And on the very last class, he was out of people. And I had to get up. And I remember just like, you know, when you're so nervous, your leg is shaking. And I just was like, oh, my God. And I got up there and I started telling my story. And everyone just started laughing.

24:04and laughing because like I called the cop racist. We were both white. You know, everything I did, I was in Sybil Brand County Jail for like 24 hours because they couldn't get me out of the system until they got me into the system. And here I am this, you know, white entitled little Jersey Jewish girl who was like, what? Sybil Brand? I just found the biggest, fattest black woman I could find. And I was like, let's be friends. And after that, after I spoke and I did that, people were like, you should do standup. And then I thought, oh, that's a great idea. I should do standup. You know, you on stage alone with a microphone is exactly what you're after.

24:41So that's when I started doing standup. So I do credit that DUI class with giving me the idea because if people hadn't said that to me, I don't know that I would have thought about doing standup on my own. But it's interesting that it was in there. It was in there before you got up there. You just needed some kind of something to pull it out of you, yeah. Yeah, a little outlet to pull it out of me.

25:00Sean Hayes:Did you ever think about tracking down that police officer who busted you and thanking him for your career? No, I haven't thought about that. I was actually going to wait for you to do that, Will. Is that something you feel comfortable doing? Of course I do. Of course. So, Charles, you know, it seems like in, like, the last decade or so, you've gone from your unbelievably hilarious stand-up and television shows where, you know, your humor comes out from everything from like observational comedy to friends and family, everything in between. But then a shift happened where you got into kind of more political and world issues and that mattered to you and that you still feel passionate about.

25:40And what was that turning point for you? Was there an event or something that, you know, shifted your focus a little bit? Yeah, it was called the election, Sean, of 2016. No, I didn't know if it was before that. I didn't know if it was before that. No, I mean, that just really got me to a place where I just thought, oh God, America's going to be over. Like we're a passe. And that's when your book, and that's when you wrote your book. Yeah, so that was like, I went through a really difficult time. It was after, right, as my Netflix show was ending. And that's when I got into therapy. And I was just so, it was like, you know, they say you're angry.

26:13Everything works for you until it doesn't, right? Yeah. And that was kind of when everything came to a head for me where I was emotionally just like, oh, I need to get some help here. Like I'm not doing great anymore. and what was working for me before isn't working for me now. So there was a big shift in that. And I got really political, you know, and people got really annoyed by that. And I was, but I felt like I had to, I just couldn't be quiet about that. I just couldn't. It's like, if you don't say something, then what does that say about you? And I'm not like that, you know? I wish I could shut up sometimes.

26:43And before that, you weren't just as, I don't know, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but like in tune to politics or you weren't as affected by them in that way? Is that fair? No, I was attuned to politics. It's attuned, not in tune. And I was affected by it. Maybe you can come over later. I know, I always have to correct you. Yeah, I know, I love it. But I was, it was going well. We had Barack Obama and I thought things were changing. In my naive, you know, little bubble, I'm like, oh, the world's a great place. Look at America thriving. So I wasn't as vehement and loud, you know, until that.

27:20Will Arnett:Did you feel that, were you satisfied or pacified that what you were doing was affecting some change? Or was it just enough to sort of just be able to speak your mind and if anything good comes from it, then great. But until then, at least I'm speaking my mind. Well, I did a lot of stuff. Like I went on a tour across country to colleges and campuses to, you know, debate conservatives, to talk about the election, to understand why people did that. And I worked really hard for so many candidates that ended up getting elected in the midterm. So you do feel like it is fruitful when you can see like a tangible event, you know, or a concrete evidence, I should say, of your efforts.

28:03And not just mine, obviously, millions of people were doing the same thing as I was. So, yeah, it felt really good. It felt good to be involved in that process. It felt full on, you know, and just like everything in my life, I do everything like 150 percent. And then, you know, I'm like, OK, I'm done with this, you know. And then we get this president and we're dealing with this shit and you're just like, oh my God, it's never ending, this kind of cycle. So I've stopped reading the paper for the last couple weeks because it's just, it really does tax you and it raises your blood pressure and you want to be an effective...

28:34Welcome to the club. Yeah, right. I'm serious. I'm serious.

28:37Sean Hayes:No, no, no. These guys know, I talk about it all the time, that about a year and a half ago I turned off all the cable news things in my DVR. I can't take it anymore because I was like, well, ultimately, you're first of all it's not like you're not going to find out about the stuff that's going on it's virtually impossible in the world that we live in and i don't need to be reminded of a 24 7 and i don't need to have it affect me to the point where i feel i gotta hate the word toxic but toxic where it's just like it feels like it sort of permeates your entire being at all times yeah it's a bummer it's a big bummer we'll be right back i mean sorry yeah let's let's change the subject okay here we go i'm ready watch this jesus fucking out so so shan you set us on this path of destruction i know and you've ruined it she's doing a comedy tour for fuck's sake let's get back to religion no we'll get back to religion

29:29Will Arnett:no we stopped with the hot button what about gambling gambling let's talk about let's talk about sick children what about what about puppies how about animals you love animals right let's talk about some animals. Oh, my animals do not respect me, you guys. Being alone with my family for the first time during COVID, I was like, fuck this. My dogs think that I'm, they think my housekeeper is their rescuer and they treat me like I'm their conservator. They are, it was, it was so demoralizing being alone with my dogs for the first time during COVID. And I went to Whistler. I went skiing because I love to ski.

30:05And I thought, well, I'm not going to spend four months in LA in my house, I'll go to Whistler. And I had my dogs for the first time alone with me. They would just look me in the eye and just spot piss, you know, in our place. Look me in the eye. Like, are you fucking, are you kidding me that you think you're going to look after us? I would take them for, I took them for a walk the first day I'm in Whistler. I'm in this little private neighborhood, right? And I'm taking my dogs for a walk probably for the first time since I got them. Let's be honest. And because I had to go to Whistler alone, you know, it was COVID.

30:32Nobody could get in. And so I'm walking them. And they're brother-sister chow chows. They're from the same litter. And they're rescues. I want to put that in there just so PETA doesn't fucking bump me up. I've had problems with them in the past. So I took them for a walk one morning. And this woman, and I didn't have them on leashes because my dogs are so lazy they can't even run, you know. They're just like. And I'm walking around the corner and this woman sees them. She goes, ah! And I'm like, really? She goes, there's no leashes. You don't have leashes on the dogs. And I said, they're not aggressive.

31:06Like, okay, I'll get the leashes, but they're not going to do anything. And she's like, it's not for me. It's not for me. I mean, somebody might see them and think they're bears. And they're like one feet tall. They're both wearing handkerchiefs, first of all. So nobody's going to think that. But yeah, my dogs, after I took them from home from Whistler, I just, my cleaning lady was like, when I came home, I realized like, I just, that was abusive to take them with me because I don't have the same level of attention to them that she does. You know, I don't know if she has peanut butter in her underwear or what she's up to, but those dogs, when they're with her, they thrive.

31:43And when with me, it feels like they're going to cross over. I'm going to put Jelly in mine and just come over and we're going to be a family. That doesn't work for dogs, honey. I'm sorry. Unless you have maybe a cat. Do you have a cat? Oh, you do have a cat. I don't have a cat. No, Scotty's a cat. You should. All right.

31:58Sean Hayes:So listen. go ahead Sean you got another question fucking yeah don't let anybody else chime in here on Chelsea go ahead this is the most I've talked on this podcast I know by the way I've listened to this podcast Sean and this is the most you've spoken so it is because I get excited when I see you Jason's on his OnlyFans page look at Jason look at him down there he wishes he knew what that was are you kidding what is OnlyFans truly is that a thing Yeah, it is a thing. You'll find out about it soon enough. Now that you've heard it once, you'll hear it again. Unbelievable. Chelsea, I heard you on your, by the way, you have a fantastic podcast.

32:37I love it. You're so funny. And you, Ana, you said, you were talking about something about funerals. Like, I can't remember if it's. Oh, getting hit on at a funeral. Yeah, or not. Did you say it was okay to get hit on a funeral? It's not okay to get hit on a funeral. No, it's not okay. I mean, it's not appropriate. And even if you liked a man or were into him and wanted to have sex with him, if he did that at a funeral, it's so not hot that you can never do that.

33:00Will Arnett:Well, what about you're crying? You need a shoulder to cry on. Has that happened to you? Has somebody hit on you at a funeral? What if it's open casket? I know, but I heard a story recently about two very famous people at a funeral making out at a funeral. No way. At my friend, yes. And she told me that they were on top of each other at a memorial service. Wait. Oh, my God. Making out, like tongue kissing. And I'm like, you fucking have to be kidding me. It's so disrespectful. Well, it was at the wake. It wasn't at the ceremony, right? No, it was at a memorial. But still, it's still, whatever.

33:35Sean Hayes:It's still a memorial and it's still fucking hot as hell. Really rude. Interesting. But it depends. Were they good-looking people? Yeah. It depends. Yeah, they're both good-looking people. Well, that's pretty fucking great. I mean, watching good-looking people make out, I don't care where you are. In front of a casket. That's going to... Right, and they're celebrities, so they should be able to do whatever they want anyway. Oh, they're celebrities. Let them do what they want. They're just like us, but they're not. I wonder if anybody got a stiff. Get it? Hey, Chels, let me ask you something else.

34:02You know, for the time. Oh, my God.

34:04Sean Hayes:Sean, Sean, we got to pause there for a second. Hold on a second. Where's Scotty? Sean, where's Scotty? I hope those doors behind you burst open and somebody comes with piano wire and strangles you right now. Just fucking, that's it. Fucking Sean's, ugh. Okay, wait. You can take this microphone wire, Sean, and just do it. I'll do it myself. Um, no, just, I wanted to know for real though, because for, for the time that I've known you, you seem like you're always, always, always on the go, go, go, go, go, go nonstop. Who is your constant when you come back home or, or, you know, do you hear this word a lot?

34:40Like camp Chelsea, like who's in your camp or who are your constant people that you come back to all the time that you're like, ah, now I'm home. Uh, my family is like that. My family and I are pretty tight. So we're, we spend a lot of time together. We go on vacations a lot together. Oh, that's good. A lot of them are in New Jersey. But, you know, not my dogs, obviously. And my family is pretty much my constant. I mean, my friends. You know, I have different groups of friends and lots of friends. And L.A. has been my home base for a long time. But I don't ever spend a long duration of time in L.A.

35:12I go in and out. Actually, COVID was the longest amount of time I ever spent in L.A. And my sister invaded my house with her three adult children because apparently parenting never fucking ends. and I have, you know, designed my life in a way that I didn't ever want to have children living in my house. So she came down for COVID for three months with her three adult children, 24, 21, and 18. And they stayed for three months and then I put the house on the market and sold it so that would never happen to me again. Are you serious? How did you let that happen? I, well, it was my sister. So obviously I can't say no to family, but, and I thought, oh, this will be fun.

35:49I have, you know, the room, I have this great fun house. And so they all came down. And then all of a sudden I was doing dinners every night at 7.30 with, you know, three kids. And every night somebody would cry. And then one, oh, and then my nephew, who, my nephew, he's 24 years old. He's a sports journalist. And he was, he was getting really frustrated during COVID. You know, he's like, I can't date. I'm like, date, buddy. Like people are dying. We're in a global pandemic.

36:14Sean Hayes:Yeah. So one night I go, do you know any funerals I could go to to pick up some chicks? Wait till somebody else dies in our family. We can hook you up. So he had an outdoor, like an outdoor date in my backyard. And my sister goes, let me get you out of the house. You're getting really irritated with everybody. And I was like, okay, let's. So we went for drinks at a friend's house, probably Mary's. And we came back and he was at my kitchen counter, my 24-year-old nephew, my firstborn nephew, okay. And he is acting like Ernest Hemingway, just sitting at, you know, just, you know, really buzzed and really frustrated, running his hands through his hair.

36:50Like he'd never been through so much. And I was like, Jake, did you get, you know, did you get some penetration? What happened? I was like, no, Chelsea, of course I didn't. And it's not funny.

37:00Will Arnett:He's all backed up. And I looked at him and I was like, no fucking way. Am I listening? I'm like, is this boy frustrated because he's horny? And I couldn't believe it. So I walked upstairs to my bedroom and my sister came up an hour later. She's like, sorry about that. I go, oh, sorry about that. Your job is to listen to your son talk about how sexually frustrated he is in the middle of this pandemic. I'm horny too, but I can't fuck anybody because you guys won't get the fuck out of my house. So anyway, they left after that. I would have come over. Sean, you've always been an amazing lover. I love having sex with you, Sean.

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40:32Will Arnett:And now, back to the show. Chelsea, you are in the middle of your tour or the beginning of it? or the end? I'm in the beginning of it. Announced 30 dates and I am announcing 30 more. So I'm going to be on tour for the next year. So it's pretty fun. And we kicked it off at the Santa Barbara Bowl. I opened the Santa Barbara Bowl after two years. It was closed. So that was epic. It was the night of the full blue moon. So it was just such a great vibe. Tons of my friends came. I love that. And yeah, it's fun to be on tour. It's fun to be a reason people are coming back together for the first time in big groups.

41:06And, you know, my crowds are safe and they're vaccinated. So I have, you know, faith in that. And yeah, I'm just loving doing standup again. You know, I want to get back to like.

41:15Will Arnett:Did you have a, sorry, did you have a chance to work on your material, even though there weren't a lot of places that were open during COVID? Yeah, yeah. I had a, I mean, I have been, I've been not yet getting up for the last two months, putting my new hour together, but there's so much material from COVID, you know, trying to have sex during COVID. I had to get my own COVID test at my house. And then I would invite men over to the backyard that I was getting set up with or whatever. and I'd give them a little nasal swab and it'd take like 20 to 30 minutes to run the diagnostics on that in my kitchen.

41:45There's nothing sexier. And in that 20 to 30 minutes, I would interview them, you know, about see if they were a potential penetrator. And if they said anything in that time that was annoying or I saw a pinky ring, I would just come back out and say, you're positive. You have to leave my house.

42:01Sean Hayes:A pinky ring. If anybody mentioned an aquarium, they're positive, like just. Yeah. anybody who said masks don't work it's like get out of my house i can no longer fuck you right right wow hey chelis when when you go on tour like you are and do you have like a thing after the show's over where you like like any rituals or anything where you meet and greet where you come back to the to the hotel where you are do you do something or just like straight to bed or how late do you stay up yeah i do a vip meet and greet for the people that you know get the best tickets you know we do pictures after but you know when you're on tour it's pretty grueling like being on stage for an hour and a half a night or an hour or whatever it ends up being is, like, I'm 46 years old, so I got to keep it tight.

42:44I don't really, you know, go out and party like I used to when I was on the road where it didn't matter. And I, you know, it didn't matter. You just, now it's like, you want to be sharp. You want to have mental clarity. So, no, I don't really get after it in that way. And then it's like usually four nights a weekend, you know, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday night. Right. Do you ever go out and see other people stand up? Do you ever? Yeah, yeah, I do. I have been lately. Like anybody you're a fan of now? Yeah, a lot of stand-ups. There's Hannah. I have a lot of amazing women opening for me.

43:13Hannah Einbinder is awesome from Hacks. She opens for me. She opened for me in Vegas. Vanessa Gonzalez is a great female stand-up. A lot of women of color are opening for me, obviously, because that's, you know, you want to give that stage time to everybody who hasn't gotten a fair shake at it. Yeah, for sure. And, yeah, I just use different people all the time. And I just love to bring girls in. And, yeah. I love that. I mean, what was the question, Sean? No, that's it.

43:41Sean Hayes:Yeah, Sean, what was the fucking question?

43:42Will Arnett:He wants to know what you do after. Because we're going to do a real stupid thing. We're going to go on tour. Oh, yeah, I saw that. We're dumbasses. And so Sean, I guess, is trying to figure out what his post-show routine is going to be.

43:56Sean Hayes:He wants to base it off what you do. And he wants to know, like, can we hit the bars? Can he mingle it up with people? Or maybe just go back to the hotel, get in the schvitz. And like where he's got to do like, no, Scotty, I'm at home. And like, shut up, you guys. No, no, no. Well, these two guys, these two guys are sober. So they're not going to be going out with you, right? But we can drive.

44:14Will Arnett:We can drive them. Yeah. Maybe we'll drive you around. You can go get after it. Actually, Sean, it depends how much you're contributing during the live shows. You know, if it's as much as you've been contributing to the podcast. Yeah, you'll be free to do whatever you want. Because you'll have plenty of energy. You don't have to answer of any. Thank you. By the way, Chelsea, thank you for managing expectations as we move forward.

44:35Sean Hayes:You know. What do you think, Chelsea? I do want to ask you, like, you've kind of had a bunch of different careers. Like, you're a stand-up and you're a stand-up. You didn't start as a stand-up, though. Is that right? I mean, you did it originally, but then you kind of became known also as you had your show, obviously, that was hugely successful. And now you've kind of come back to stand-up. And you had your show on Netflix as well. and you've gotten very political. Like, you haven't had, like, a sort of orthodox career. Not that anybody really does. My point is, where do you see yourself? Like, what kind of shit do you want to do, I don't know, in the next five years or ten years that you think is going to interest you outside of just touring and shit?

45:17Sean Hayes:Do you see yourself, like, doing another show, like a late-night show or some shit, you know? I did start out as a stand-up. That's how I got, you know, my show. So I did, just to clarify that. I did start out. I did quit for a while when I burned myself out. When I went over to Netflix to do my documentary series and my, I had like a three or four year contract with them. So I did all of that stuff. I did my shows. I did a bunch of documentaries. And, um, and I just sold my last book, which is Life Will Be the Death of Me to, uh, to a network to, uh, for me to star in. I read that. So it's kind of like a curve.

45:55Sean Hayes:Wait, sorry, sorry to interrupt. How many books, how many books have you written? I know you've written a bunch. Six. Amazing. Amazing. That's pretty fucking impressive. Six number one New York Times bestsellers, guys. Six. Is that true? Six number ones? Yeah. That's incredible. That's really impressive. That's very impressive. Thanks. I know. Sometimes I can't believe it. That's awesome.

46:13Will Arnett:So you're adapting that into a show? Yeah. So it's kind of like a curb your enthusiasm, like with me in therapy, just constantly fucking up, trying to decunt, but never really being successful at it. I love that. It's another great title. Think about that as a title. you know you just put like a a weird symbol phone symbol on there instead of the u and you're you're golden yeah i wake up i have to wake up two hours earlier than everyone you guys just to decunt i'm like do not be a bitch today you are one try not to be sure maybe spell it with a k and then a u

46:44Sean Hayes:with an umlaut and then you might be able to get away with it you're done yep good call yeah i'll use the kardashian font so that they'll think it's part of that um so when when do you start

46:53Will Arnett:doing that. Are you writing that now in script form? Yeah. Liz Tucciolo, who's the writer on it, she and I just sold it. So we're negotiating, you know, our deal. And yeah, we're on it. I'm pretty excited. I've never played myself on TV. I've never really done a television show where it was acting for, you know, so I feel like I'm in that mode right now. You know, late night talk shows. I mean, every time I say I'm not going to do something, I end up doing it, you know, So I don't want to say I'm never going to do that again, but I don't see myself interviewing. I like real people. Like I'm on my podcast, Dear Chelsea, people call in for advice.

47:29Like it was supposed to be a joke and it kind of turned into something serious because I am that kind of person. I like people to take risks and I like to be a cheerleader and a big sister and be like, go do that. Break up with that guy, leave that job. You know, stop talking to your mother. But so I just like that. I like talking to real people. I like interpersonal stories. And I've had my fair share of interviewing celebrities. And now that we have social media, it's not like there's any mystique left in anybody or anything. So that genre for me, or that medium, I should say, for me is no longer very exciting or challenging.

48:05You know, maybe something will happen to change that, but...

48:08Will Arnett:What about acting? What about, where does acting sit for you, playing somebody completely different? Does that have any interest to you? Or is that sort of the antithesis of what you're interested in? If it were fun and it was a challenge, yeah. I mean, I do stuff, you know, I was going to do this Netflix movie where I played a principal of an elementary school that hated children. And I was like, oh, that's a fun role. Like I could get off on that, you know? But then I couldn't do it with my tour and COVID. You have to come in and out of Vancouver. But I am always open to things like that. But, you know, it's not my jam.

48:39You know, I don't consider myself an actress at all, but I love to have a nice challenge. Right, right. Yeah, right. I love that. You know who's acting I love? Who I texted him about his acting is Jason. When I was watching Ozarks, I was... I love the S. I was, first of all, I was on a panel with Laura Linney for a Goop panel. We're Gwyneth. And in New York City, this was like three or four years ago, and it was Laura Linney, Drew Barrymore, and a couple other girls. And they were talking about parenting. And, you know, we all had microphones in our hand. And Laura Linney told a story about how difficult she...

49:16what a difficult time she had getting pregnant. I thought you were going to say difficult time working with Jason, but yeah, keep going. Yeah, that too. She mentioned that too. And that was why she couldn't get pregnant was because of Jason, is what she said.

49:27Sean Hayes:Did she say it was difficult explaining what a goop panel was to people in the street or no? That was easy. Yeah, yeah. She mentioned that too. Yeah. But she talked about giving birth when she goes, you know, I struggled for so long and then I finally gave birth when I was 50 and I went into the microphone, like loudly. And Laura Linney looked at me and I just went, congratulations. I'm sorry. That is so disgusting to me. But back to Laura and Jason on screen, I have to say, is one of my favorite shows on television because I just love watching Jason out. Ditto here. Love it. Love it. You're a nice lady.

50:04Sean Hayes:Thank you. He's very, very good, isn't he? We give him a lot of shit, but we love him. He's so good at what he does. Very charismatic, Jason. Always. Very, very on screen. Very charismatic. on screen. Very on screen. Definitely on screen. No, but in person it's a surprising dud.

50:19Will Arnett:It's pretty quiet. There's a lot of hate and rage.

50:24Sean Hayes:Chelsea, thank you for your time. I know you're probably exhausted and this is the last thing you wanted to do today, but thanks for stopping by. You're hilarious. It was cool of you to say yes. You're such an original voice and where you think that you're C-U-N-T, we think that you're hilarious and opinionated and awesome. So thank you. Thank you guys. So much fun to see you all.

50:42Will Arnett:Thank you, Chelsea, very much. It's great to see you. Have a great rest of the tour. Even you, Sean. Way to go, girl. Bye, Chels. Bye. Hello, friends. Yeah. Chelsea Handler, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. So funny.

50:57Sean Hayes:Chelsea's so funny. Boy, she makes me laugh. I know. She makes me laugh, too. She always does. She always does. Fearless. She's super funny. She's super quick. She wakes me up.

51:06Will Arnett:She's very consistent. Always has lots of energy and ready to go.

51:11Sean Hayes:even in casual conversation you feel like I gotta be on my fucking toes because she will burn me she'll correct me she corrected you Sean she's corrected me before on stuff and you're like she lives for it hey man I love it if I wanted to be with my mom I'd go back to Toronto like why are you correcting me but if you have any if you have

51:27Will Arnett:if you like to if you like to sling bullshit you're in the wrong room with her yeah I know she's quick yeah I do like that about her it's pretty refreshing you don't have to worry about talking about the weather because it's just that's not gonna cut it with her yeah yeah I love it. I bet her show is great, too. Of course it is. Every incarnation of talk shows.

51:48Sean Hayes:She's so fucking funny. And she does. I feel like she says the thing that everybody wants to say. Anne says it in a way. She's always surprising. That's the thing it is. For me, it's always surprising what she says. Like, catches me off guard. Really funny. You know, really just. She says things so succinctly. Much unlike what I'm doing right now. but she's yeah nice job who's thinking of the who's thinking of the bi right now I am right now but I think we need to start working on words that rhyme with bi

52:18Will Arnett:oh now see I was more interested in just connecting with you guys I wasn't thinking about how to wrap it up

52:23Sean Hayes:no you know why I brought it up because I could see the look on Sean's face it looked like he'd been lobotomized well he was writing he's been writing for like 30 seconds trying to figure out things that rhyme with stuff that's what he does you were talking he was like this and he's just trying to think of it almost like he's got

52:38Will Arnett:like an over bi Right? No. No. I had both eyes. Open eyes. What?

52:48Sean Hayes:I don't think we're going to allow. Are you saying open eyes? Here's what's funny. Anytime I try to do it, I get shot down.

52:55Will Arnett:And you always go real high. I don't know why. Why does it live high for you? I'll go down here. Eyes.

53:00Sean Hayes:I don't know what the word you're saying is. And also, because you. Here comes Will's try. Will's going to try right now. I'm not trying. what I'm saying is Sean sometimes you'll try to shoehorn it in yeah right you know what I mean yeah

53:14Will Arnett:and and and it just doesn't qualify it doesn't qualify

53:18Sean Hayes:yeah it just doesn't

53:19Will Arnett:we're gonna sit here till we get one I don't know how do we back into this by the way should we run the tapes back when did this all start was it on the first episode

53:26Sean Hayes:the very first one yeah what did we just do a simple buy well we could do we could do it once yeah we could do a simple buy or we could just agree to do it once a year or we could even do it, bye-annually. No. We've used that one. Why? Have we used that already?

53:43Will Arnett:Bye-annually. That doesn't even count. We've used every single one. That's why I wonder if we should do rhymes or just say bye. How about we just, listener, we appreciate your time. Yeah, we do. Or Will, why don't you give them, well, listener, we've taken up too much of your time. Shut up, Arnett. Why don't you get a fucking new goodbye line for our guests, by the way. Okay, I got notes for you. What are you talking about? Will, we've taken too much of your time. Shut up. I don't say that. How about it's an hour and we're done. Yeah, we're done. So thank you for your answers.

54:11Sean Hayes:Who do I say that to? You mean I say that to the guest? I'm just as bad. I say, oh, gosh. No, you always say, oh, my gosh. What do you got? Have you got something on there? How much did you pay them? Shut the fuck up, Peyton. Yeah, I know.

54:22Will Arnett:All right. If we're going to get into this. And you two chuckles. Yeah, Sean, we're coming for you next. So quiet down. Yeah, you're fucking next, Sean. Fuck both of you. How's that for low and not high? Whoa, whoa. Holy shit. Whoa. Who's this guy? He was about to bite our head off. Oh, my God.

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