"RE-RELEASE: Maya Rudolph"

0:02Hello, welcome to SmartList. I am Jason Bateman, one of the less smart hosts. Even less smart is Will Arnett and truly dumb is Sean Hayes. We each have invited, well, one of us invites a guest per week. The other two don't know who that person is. Some of it's going to be funny. Hopefully you won't cry and hopefully you learn a little something. So let's get started. Smart. Less.

0:30Smart. Less.

0:37Smart. Less. Well, here's the sad part. You have Chumbawamba on your thing ready to go, and it's not a joke. No, it's a ringtone. He's probably getting a call, I think. I've been going so Chumbawamba heavy lately on the, I keep going like mid-conversation, Alessandra will say something and I'll just go, you know, the thing about me is I get knocked down, but I get up again. And she's like, but between that and my 10-year love affair with figuring out who let the dogs out. Right. but what about that that that what's the that crap ass band well actually i've never heard their music but their goddamn name uh boni ver boni ver yeah boni ver first of all boni ver is a great band so is it hang on b-o-n-e-y and then and then v-a-r or something like that yeah that's what it is you fucking idiot what's a boni bear like what would there be like a fat Bon Iver?

1:35It's F. Wait, what song are they singing? What is it? It's B-O-N and then space I-V-E-R. Oh, he likes it because it's French, and he's like, I can speak French. It's not French. He's from fucking Wisconsin, and it's this guy, Justin Vernon, and my friend Chris Messina, who works with the band. Oh, then they're great. I don't know where a guest is, but I guarantee you that they like Bon Iver. I have this feeling that they do. How much do you want to bet? Do you want to do a real bet? Wait, I what? 100 Canadian dollars. Sean, you know who this is, so you can't chime in. 100 Canadian dollars right now.

2:10Great. So it's a$5 bet? Is that what you're saying? You know what, dude? That's so insulting. That's so insulting to me and to all my Canadian brethren who I'm going to publish. I'm going to put your address online. Oh, right on. Right on. Well, just give her. Wait, can I tell you guys something that I was, Scotty and I were watching? Hey, were you just changing your diaper? What did you just pull out from your pants? Why do you wear a pashbina as a diaper? because it was cold and now it's hot. I was watching Field of Dreams last night. I've never seen the movie. Okay, hold for applause? What are you doing?

2:44Okay. No, it was really good, but I mean, it's kind of a long way to go to tell a story about playing catch with your dad, but I get it. It was sweet. You know, Scotty's like, you know, these people won Academy Awards. I don't know. They were nominated or something. And then we started having this conversation about who would we conjure up from the past that like, if you could, who would that be for you guys? Who would it be if... Hey, listen, Jason played catch with his dad at home. And by his dad, I mean the security guy at Fox. And by catch, I mean smoking butts behind stage five. But look...

3:16Yeah. Oh, God. All right, well, we'll get to that later. Sean, who are you so rudely keeping waiting? Yeah. On our little podcast today, we have a gorgeous woman, inside and out, who we all know, we're all friends with. Really? And we all love. She is a light Guys, her lineage is filled with All kinds of famous people I'm trying to build even the slightest bit of anticipation Because you're going to know who it is Let me try it with this one, this random thing She graduated college with a degree in photography Can you guess who that is? Annie Leibovitz That's it She's a staple in the history of American comedy Will be remembered forever for her many contributions In film and television She's trending so goddamn hard on social media right now Because of her impression of Kamala Harris It's Maya Rudolph No way.

4:01In the stacks, in the something, in the something. Come on. Look at this. Pop the cork. Pop the cork. Oh, my God. I was trying to sing Bon Iver. In the stacks, in the something, in the something. In the stacks, in the something. Okay, so wait. Right? How good is Bon Iver? Well, Bon Iver's great. I listened to the whole thing, and I felt bad for Bateman, because he sounded old. I know, didn't he? And now you look at him, and he looks old. That's fucked up. So they're less gross than the name. They're a person, I think, right? Isn't it a person? It's Justin Vernon, pretty much. And he has other guys who are in the band as well.

4:41Sean Carey, who plays. But they're good friends of mine. They're great guys, and they make great music. Hi, Maya Rudolph. Hi, Maya Rudolph. Hi, guys. Thanks for being here. Sorry for the mood lighting. I'm in a cave. It's the only quiet place at my house. No, I was going to say thank you for the mood lighting. I'm going to join you. It's a wank fest here. Welcome to my jack shack. Yeah, he was talking about that the other day, how he, you bounced that name off of you. Do you remember I used to say that to you? Did you finally build your jack shack? He's in it right now. Look at him. I can see it.

5:15He's got a smile on his face. And no pantalones. Now, Maya, the reason you're looking for quiet is because there are six, 17 kids? 18 kids over there, right? 18, Jason. Good for you. I like to pop them out. There is nothing elastic about my lower region. Nothing. It's basically like when you get a grocery bag and something has spilled and then everything just falls out of the bottom. So the bottom got too saturated. Yeah. And now it's useless to you. So kids are falling out daily. Falling out daily. Do your kids love that description of how they came into the world? My son, well, my son thinks that he came out of my butt because he saw, like, a birth video.

6:05So we like to keep it that way.

6:09My son said the other day, little Abel said the other day, he was in the backseat, Archie and I were arguing about the genesis of, this is terrible parenting, of Grand Theft Auto games and which one came first in GTA 5. And Abe was in the backseat. I go, hey, Abe, real quick, could you Wikipedia? And he cuts me off and he goes, how babies are made? You got it. He's got that on his favorites. It's just a one button. You know, Maya, your husband did describe having a bunch of kids running around the house. He says it's so great. He used a better word. It's like having a fire burning in each room.

6:44It's all warm and cozy. He said that? He said that? Well, he's a bit of a poet. I thought he was going to tell the Jim Gaffigan joke about how it's like, because Jim Gaffigan has five, right? And I think his joke was having a fifth kid is like swimming in a pool and you're drowning and someone hands you a baby.

7:08It's a bit overwhelming. I have to say that being in quarantine with four kids is great because I would be very depressed if I was not very busy. It would be a lot more quiet and depressing. Look at Sean. Yeah, look at Sean. I just got up. Sean is so low right now. He's so low. He'd have to rally to die. That's how low. How many books is your computer on right now? Mike. Is your computer on right now? My computer is actually on a stand right now. But I like to say the books behind me on the shelf, I've read every single one of those jackets. Nice. Oh, boy. Who do you say that to? To Scotty or?

7:50I say it to anybody who'll listen. He says it to all the living members of Chumbawamba. Maya, are those kids old enough to help out around the house or are they just asking you to help them find things to do? Because that is the only reason Jason had children. Right. I just, I can't keep them entertained. Do you have any teenagers? Yeah, I got a 13-year-old and an 8-year-old. The problem with the teen part is I feel really badly for them because they want to be social. But then I don't want them to be on their fucking devices all day long. But then you got to talk to them. If they're off the device, then you have to talk to them.

8:25It's killing me. And I also feel like... Lesser the two evils is just a thicker data plan, right? Yeah. Oh, I thought you meant dad plan. Yeah. Let's let Bateman keep talking. Let him hang himself. Keep going. What is it? So one teenager or two teenagers? I have one teenager. She's 14. The others are? I have no idea. No, 10, 9, and 7. Almost 11, 9, and 7. Is the 14-year-old a nightmare? Has she found her sass yet at 14? No, she's not a nightmare. She's the opposite. So I feel really bad because she's a nice person. Yeah. I love her. Don't show off, Sean. Oh. You know, we all have Google. Sean is godparent to all of my children.

9:09Is that true? No. Yeah, and like my dad, I've never shown up for them. Are you guys godparents to anybody? No. I am. I don't even, I don't know what that means. What does it mean? Yeah, I don't know either because I think I failed. Well, we are. We're actually very active godparents, me and Scotty, to Jonah and Sammy, Carrie Aisley's children. You are? Yeah. Yeah. And so, and we're very active and legally, it's just somebody in the highly unlikely and hopeful never happening case where something happens to them. We are the legal guardians. Right. I don't think that's always the case. It's not a religious thing.

9:42It used to be a religious thing. And I think now it's much more of a, just sort of a custom thing that you do. And, babe, unless, should we be godparents to each other's kids just out of safety? No, no, no. We're all set. I'm good. You want to send over the paperwork? He's good. Yeah, yeah. No, Amanda's got it handled, bro. We're all good. How about a question for Maya? You don't even know what for dinner. Maya's actually the godparent to Scotty. I am. Does she powder and swaddle him? Yes, I do. Maya, I have to say a couple things. One is... I love you too. I do. I really do love you and I miss you and I feel like I never see you.

10:18I know, I love you too. I don't ever see you. I know. It's wrong. But first of all, I have to say the thing that we all know but not everybody knows, which is that your mom is Minnie Riperton, who sang Love and You. I was so surprised that you threw in the lineage thing. These dudes are like, who? What? Yeah, I don't even know Bon Ivera's. Oh, come on. Your grandfather owned all the Wendy's in, like, Florida or something? Yes, Southern Florida. Isn't that crazy? Hang on. Sidney Rudolph. Free burgers for life? So, supposedly, my grandfather and his brother were these big-time business boys back in the day, and he came up with this idea for a company called Trip Charge where it was like you could get a card and charge it when you were on a trip.

11:04This was before the credit card was invented. And it was such a great idea that he sold the idea to Diner's Club. Way to go, Sid Rudolph. Is Diner's Club still around? I don't know, but I guess he straight up gave him the idea for the credit card. So Diner's Club was just for restaurants? Is that what it was? That's a great question. I don't know. I don't know if it was like a traveler's check situation for going out. I remember those. Traveler's checks. I remember traveler's checks. Cart Blanche. Remember Cart Blanche was a thing for a minute? What was Cart Blanche? It's similar. It's like diner's club.

11:34I thought it was like, oh, Cart Blanche. And you just say it. I like it. Speaking of the Rudolphs, how is your dad? He's good. Are you asking about my sweet dad? Isn't my dad the best? He's so sweet. He's that guy my whole life that people ask me about. I just got another one today. Look at Bateman. Bateman's like, I don't know your dad. What happened? Why don't I get to meet your dad? Her dad is such a cool guy, and you would be well served. This is like the Bon Iver thing. You would be well served to take that scowl off your face. That's my rest face now. I have a heavy brow. I need a lift. But I am talking a lot about this.

12:06I constantly look like I just said, what did you say? Yeah. That's my rest face. Yeah. Mine too. Wait, are you just coming to terms with this? Just to get to regular, I have to pretend I've just said, oh, I see. That's what I have. That lifts things up to where center is. I think it's from years of being funny and years of emoting. And now your skin is relaxing into itself. I have developed really gnarly eye bags. And I think it's from years of rubber face. Me too, Maya. Maybe you and I can find a doctor that can just cinch us up in all the places. Eyes and vaginas. Yeah. There's probably somebody in the valley somewhere.

12:46They're kind of similar. They're similar areas. Get your eyes and vaginas done here That's like Shamcoach and Shampoach Shampoach and Shamcoach That was Ali's Shampoach and Shamcoach Shampoach and in the back you get Shamcoach Here's a very dark, dark story Oh, Ali But hang on, before you get into this I do want to say this That I went on a date with Ali? You went on a date with Ali? Wait, this is What do you mean? I went on a date with Ali in New York And he took me to see Puppetry of the Penis Do you remember that show? Wait, yes, I saw it in England It was terrible Wait, Ali. Who's Ali? Ali Farnakian.

13:22Larry Farnakian. He's a funny guy. He's the guy who came up with Shampooch and Shampooch. No, married with a couple kids. And we used to pass. And both named Shampooch and Shampooch. Shampooch. And we used to pass Puppetry of the Penis all the time on the way home on 7th Avenue. And then we used to also, Amy and I used to always pass and we'd always say to each other that my favorite title for a play ever was, I love you, you're perfect, now change. Oh my God. I saw Puppetry of the Penis. I thought it was going to be like this brilliant thing. It was just guys playing with the dicks on stage. It was so painful and awful looking.

13:53A lot of stretching of skin. Yeah. Wait, so there was actual frontal nudity all the way through it? Yeah. Really? Are they cut or uncut? They were, well, they're Australian, so. Yeah. So uncut, yeah. Uncut. So snutters. Wait, what? It's a snutter, right? It's called a snutter? I believe so. I've never. If it still has its little turtleneck. I'm a disgusting, foul person, and I've never heard that term. What about aardvark? We just call him aardvark. Yeah, sure. Aardvark is standard. I love the idea that Bateman goes in to get a facelift, and the doctor says, no, just do the surprise face more.

14:29Yeah, and could you take care of my snuts? How many snutters do you have? I've got three penises. Sean, I cut you off 10 minutes ago. You cut me off 10 years ago, but that's okay. Hi-oh. No, no, I was just going to tell a story about my mom who passed away like two or three years ago. God rest her soul. Best mom in the whole wide world. Darkest sense of humor. That's why it's okay to tell this story. She would even laugh at this. And so when she was two years old, she had cancer and they removed her eye, the entire eye out of her socket. I knew that. And it wasn't until she passed away that I found her old medical records from when she was a kid and realized and learned that they took skin from around her vagina to reshape her eye socket.

15:11which was kind of astonishing back then. But, you know, I shared this story with a friend of mine, and he said, wait a minute, you're just telling me this now? The whole time I knew her, I could have fucked her in the eye? Oh, my God. I thought you were going to say to her, everybody looked like a cunt. Oh, my God. It's brilliant. That's better than everything I was working on. I had tear duct stuff. Oh, my God. Okay. Okay. Okay. Maya, I'm so sorry. This is an X-rated show, right? Yeah, no, we're going to cut that out. So listen. God, that's really funny. So I want to ask you seriously, back to Minnie, your mom.

15:56Your dad produced that record from your mom, right? Yeah, they wrote a bunch of songs together and stuff. So another common question, and I'm sorry, but I think you and your... Did I get laid? Yes, I did.

16:13but did you because you have a great singing voice too did you ever want to do albums and all that and sing and perform like i think the performing part yes but the singing part i knew very early on that i did not have the vocal range of my mother well because you were surrounded by music the whole time musical but i don't but i don't have that kind of a voice i mean when the The standard is like a seven octave range. You're sort of like, I'm good. But I like making music. I do like making music. I think now that I'm almost 50, I'll probably start publicly making music now that I'm not as afraid as I used to be.

16:48How does one start? Is it like you start with jingles or... Yeah, you know, like you write songs about lettuce. You're like... Here we come. Light and free. Cold and crispy. That's the way it should be. crispy too that's right Bateman Swallow it down firm yourself brand lettuce the crispier Maya do any of your kids want to do like open their mouths and make sounds that sound like music they're very they all seem to want to be filmmakers so that's definitely happening because your husband or your partner is Paul Thomas Anderson all of the above he's all of those things and you know and they have iMovie so they make a lot of movies all the time which is pretty damn cute all four of them oh that's great truly Mm-hmm.

17:32When Archie was born, the night he was born, it was a Saturday night, and of course Amy didn't make the show that night. We were supposed to do a Bronx beat that night. You were supposed to do a... You're talking about Amy Poehler from Saturday Night Live as your ex-wife. Don't forget, Will, your OB died. Our OB died the day before. So the day that... Wait, what? So it was the first time Ham was hosting SNL. Do you remember? So Ham was hosting, and I was... John Hamm. ...to pick up Amy. They were shooting... John Hamm. I love... Thanks, Sean. Sean is like an audio chiro. And you know what? And here's the thing.

18:04By the way, I have to jump in. So my sister and all her friends live in Wisconsin, and they listen to these podcasts, and she's like, I don't know what they're talking about half the time. They're talking about names. So that's why I'm plugging in all these names because they don't. You know what my advice to your sister is? Move. Okay. So anyway, that's fair enough. That's fair enough. So Jon Hamm, first time he's hosting. So we go, and we're supposed to go to this doctor's appointment, and the OB dies. He dies that day. Are you being serious? That's crazy. Yeah. He was old. He was very old. Why was she seeing a guy on his death's doorstep?

18:35Did she get a deal on him or something like that? You feel like you get an OBGYN that's got a few more years left. A little more vibrant. So anyway, so we go in. Sometimes you want the best. You go to the quality. This guy had delivered. This is not a bit. The big thing was he had delivered Sophia Loren's baby. Oh, my God. Back in the day, whatever. Wow. And we were like, that was great in like 1950. Beautiful baby. That was a beautiful baby. What a baby. But then apparently he forgot about it. But anyway, look. So anyway, we go in and Archie is born. And we turn on the show that night. And he's a couple hours old.

19:13And Maya sang a song. Oh, yeah. Keenan and I sang a song for little baby Archie. Really? Live? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's so nice. Wow. I'm nice sometimes, Sean. I really am. Well, that's not coming through. Uh-oh. Sorry, Wisconsin. You are the nicest. I love you to death. You know that. I know. I love you too. I want to ask you some more stuff, but can I go to SNL, which I know you're probably sick of talking about, or maybe you're not. But I - I'm cool. I hosted your first year of SNL. I was a host during your first year. Oh, I remember. And even then, I was like, as I was hosting, I was like, who is this master of comedy?

19:50This girl who I'm falling in love with so quickly without as much as a date. I remember the Facts of Life sketch so well that you put up, and it was, Mrs. Garrett stuck a carrot up her butt, and that's why her hair's so red, keeps singing, these are the Facts of Life. I can't believe you remember that. That is insane. Because I couldn't stop singing it afterwards. Mrs. Garrett stuck a carrot up her butt in this wild so red keeps singing but it's got it's got wait it's got wait it's got a bunch of verses these are the facts of life these are the facts of life it was it was who wrote that lyric he did me and Raina got super stoned and Raina's a friend of mine and wrote this entire song called the facts of life and it went through Raina's a friend of Sean's who's a cook who's a very good friend of Sean.

20:51Sorry, keep going. That's for Wisconsin. Yeah. Uh-oh. You're such an asshole. All right, so wait. So back to SNL. So when you were there, and I know everybody asked this, but for anybody who's not, who's never been part of the institution of comedy, you know, that creates legends like you are now, and yes, you are. Thank you, Sean. You're welcome, Maya. No one said anything. Everyone always asks. I was, but I didn't want to cut him off again because I feel like he might land the plane at some point during the fucking podcast. But I did want to say, you are comedy royalty to me. If anyone was listening to anything I've said over the last 20 years, I reference you all the time.

21:35You do? Everybody does. A certain level of sophistication in comedy, I will say, like Maya Rudolph. And people go, oh, I get it. I swear to God. If you're only saying this for me being here today, I do appreciate it. It's so true, Maya. You know how I feel. You are one of the comedy legends of history for Drew. People get it. It's a very efficient, economical way to say, oh, you would like some smart laughs. Got it. Wow. That's a pretty large compliment. Thank you, my friend. It is absolutely true. But I think that what Jason's getting to, not only are you known for that, but I will say that as somebody who has worked with you a bunch over the years, and Sean can attest to this too, and the three of us did work together as well, there is nobody who's quicker or faster or better in the moment and and can eke out make anything funny even if the scene is terrible and you want to throw it out and then find it in the trash and throw it out again because it's so bad yeah you have the ability to make every you bring just you always bring the element and this is i think the real the sort of the trademark of somebody's really funny you always bring in the element of surprise yeah i never know what you're going to do.

22:46And it's so, every time it's so awesome. I always feel it's exciting doing a scene with you. This is why getting old is great because we all remember things a lot less than what really happened. So your memories, all of your memories of our time together are so vague. The humility and the deflection. I love it. This is part of the intelligence. It's nice, but honestly it is nice to appreciate. I will get honest for a moment. It's nice to appreciate each other as we age. It's nice to have like, it's nice to have had fun together because like my, my thing, once I started having kids and having to go to work, I realized like, oh, I have to actually like what I'm doing today or I'm going to want to kill myself.

23:30Because it's so depressing when you hate your job and you're, you've left your beautiful babies at home. So all the time that I've spent with you guys and out in the world and doing things, I cherish those times because all I did was laugh my ass off. So hard. I remember there's this one scene that you and I were in in the show called Up All Night that Will was also in with Christina Applegate. Sure. And those are my reference points, Will. So what network was it on? Just people don't know. This was about the coke addicts, right? so and Maya you there's a scene where it wasn't quite there yet with just the rehearsal and the writing and us acting and we just were trying and I kept saying is it in yeah right and I said I said I said if you can't feel it by now it's never gonna be and you and we crafted the scene in such a way that we finally got it there and then when we shot it you made like to Will's point you made it so funny I couldn't breathe laughing and it was in a house oh was it that Halloween thing where we were supposed to be dead or something.

24:35We were pretending to... Oh, God, I laughed so hard. Got you. Okay, so here's the thing. Now, you've accomplished something that... God, you really did your homework, Sean. What's happening? This is the obligation of the host, of the person who invites the guest. They need to be the adult. They need to have the questions. He's so together. And then the other two idiots get to just throw bombs from the sidelines. I've never seen this side of you, Sean. Well, it's comforting, isn't it? But to your point, if you tighten it up, it is. So, okay, listen, listen to me. Now you've accomplished something.