"Santa"

0:00Smart. Bloss. Guys, what a day, huh? Listen, I'm going to be the first to wish you Happy Christmas Eve morn Yeah, happy Christmas Eve morn to you guys too What are you guys going to do tonight? You know what we're going to do? We're all going to see each other, I think Yeah, uh-huh On Christmas Eve No, not me I'm not going to see you guys tonight Because I'm not with you guys right now Oh, well, that's okay We'll just zoom you in But we're going to zoom in Let's make this a little Our little family tradition That no matter what We do a little Zoom sees with our fans and stuff Yeah, I would love that I would love that let's do it do you guys have an ugly Christmas sweater I went to an ugly Christmas sweater party once and I went on Etsy and bought one for like freaking$300 it like plugs into a battery pack and everything it's got lights and stuff on it really yeah I might dust that thing off and break it out I'm not a big fan of the ugly Christmas sweater thing but I will say this I do own one that somebody had made for me that's just a sweater and it says Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself but like in nice Christmassy letters I swear to God it's really cute speaking of sweaters by the way it's Christmas Eve it is Christmas Eve and I do want to say this my mom has been asking me a lot about the sweaters that she knitted for both you guys she knitted me a real fetching vest yes and she wants photos will you guys do me a favor we'll make her Christmas morning if I can tomorrow morning show her a picture from each of you do you think I'm going to give your mother a picture of me in a sweater vest so she can go off and do her mad posting like she's so known for.

1:37Who's she posting? I get to a social media profile on her. She's not posting anywhere. She wants to see. She spent weeks knitting those sweaters for you guys. I'll totally do that. Wait, do you guys open gifts on Christmas Eve or Christmas? Christmas. We'll do one on Christmas Eve. Really? Just to release the valve a little bit? A little bit for the kids, yeah. Yeah, we don't do that too. But we'll do Christmas morning. And it's just a matter of tomorrow morning it's going to be, keep especially the littles keeping them from just just want to be able to get past 8 30 in the morning you know without all the gifts unwrapped and like well now what do we do i know like just stretch it out a little bit yeah no and watch tv it's just another day it ends up being just another day just another day to watch tv it's like when sean every time sean buys a new house it's just another place to watch tv it is really true i mean if if any any any link i've ever seen of any piece of real estate it's always like where's the tv room yeah i know that's it well where would i be watching it's like when we're on tour remember every time we go into any hotel jason would find the couch that was perpendicular to the tv you have the remote and he's like this is my spot uh-huh um well you know what on christmas you can do whatever you want and christmas is such a magical time of the year and i feel really blessed that we got our guests who we got today.

2:55And we do have somebody here who knows a thing or two about Christmas. This is somebody who lives way up north. In the northernmost part of this. It's the North Pole. We are so lucky. Without further ado, you guys, it's Santa Claus. What? Wait, what? We're talking to Santa Claus. Is that the real Santa Claus? Well, Santa. Santa, this is incredible. So you're just resting up before... He's smoking a butt? I'm smoking. Oh, what are you guys? Listen. I don't have a lot of time, right? And he's Persian. No, I'm not Persian. What are you talking about? St. Nicholas. I'm Serbian. I'm Serbian. I'm sick and tired of everyone thinking St.

3:37Nicholas is American, English, whatever. Look in the history books. He's always been Serbian, okay? St. Nicky. St. Nicholas. St. Nikolai. From the Nicholas Light of Tree, We, the family's from Belgrade and, you know, it's always been Serbian. But look, I don't have a lot of fucking time, man. Oh, God. Is it true that your sled used to get pulled by goats then instead of reindeer? It does when we, early days, that's all we had. And then my fifth cousin, he said, what about the reindeer? And we're like, sure, we can eat them. He's like, no, no, no, they can fly. and I said, shut up. Shut up. Why do you have reading glasses on?

4:28You're not reading anything. I don't know. Look, do you know how old I am? Every day I wake up in a ball of pain, okay? And I can't see four feet in front of my face. Santa, you got a hell of a night. You're wearing glasses. You got a real, you got a hell of a night ahead of you. I mean, this is your day. This is your biggest day of the year, right, Santa? This, without question, what kind of question is that? Well, here it comes. It's the only day of the year that counts. And, you know, let me tell you something. The strike fucked us, okay? Because here's what happened. You guys, you know, you do your strikes and everyone loves Hollywood, and then the elves start getting ideas.

5:12Oh, you guys, oh, they started trying to get it. Elves tried to organize? Elves totally organize. And, look, I can't do what I do without the elves. There's no question. Okay, so I respect them. Sure, but be honest. But be honest. What else is an elf going to do? They don't have any other job skills. Well, they could do stand-in work for young actors. I guess. Yeah. I guess. Wait, Santa. Santa, are you willing to go on record? Did the elves, did Fran Drescher get to the elves? Fran, you know what? Let's, that isn't, I dropped my cigarette. I think it's in your beard. You're on fire, Santa. That is a dirty word in our household, Fran Dresser.

5:54She got them all riled up. And then next thing you know. Okay, so. Here we go. It's always been standard. They get like four sugar plums. Right. They wanted a break. They wanted, you know, they wanted standardized working hours. They wanted to, instead of a 22-hour day, they wanted 21. Are they concerned about AI at all? Well, AI is, it's here to stay. Yeah, right. Yeah. So you're like, oh my God. Light back smoking. He's got a log starter to play. Wow. When did you start smoking? I got to tell you, not until the last 10 years, because you know what the number one gift now is? What's that? High-end mattresses.

6:42Yes, nectar. So I got to load mattresses. Oh, boy. That takes up a lot of space on the sleigh, I bet. It goes anything from Paw Patrol and Bluey. And then the number three is mattresses. Everyone's list, they want a high-end mattress. So I'm like, fine. But do you realize how much time? I can only imagine. I'm cramming mattresses through doorways. I'm busting off windows. I'm tearing through French doors anything to get the mattress in because they don't go down the chimney only you go down the chimney, right? you can't roll them up and put them down there like that and what's crazy is a lot of mattress guys they're like, they won't do flights of stairs they get to the house, they're like, no, we don't and the elves won't for sure so I've got three mattresses strapped to my back and I am this close to, you know, calling it no yes you might call it quick This could be the last year.

7:44Wow. There's a very good chance. Well, do you do any sort of like... Unless they revolutionize the mattress. What if you just bring a bunch of yoga mats? You think people will go for that instead? Maybe. Now, do you do any carbo-loading today and get ready for the big night? I don't want a ton of ladders to the North Pole telling me that elves can't do anything but work on toys and build mattresses. Okay? I don't want to hear about it. Noted. Okay. We'll reinforce that afterwards. Santa, how do you spend your time after you deliver all the toys and the gifts and everything? What's your downfall?

8:17Hold on. Hold on. Real quick. Hold on. I need to pay the bills. I'm sorry. Oh, here comes an ad. There's DNA. Then there's heavy-duty DNA. HDNA. It's what every GMC Sierra HD is born with. Unbelievable. And it's engineered into every aspect of the GMC Sierra HD. with the pulling power to prove it. Toe hitches of the world. Prepare for glory. Prepare for glory. Wait, are you, do you endorse, do you work for GMC? Yes, I work for GMC. And guess who doesn't? Do you? Not anymore. I guess not. Do you? That read. Yeah. Is that a GMC slay that you're rocking? Did I get a thumbs up from your audio team?

9:06Do you think that? Yeah. It was good? It came through just perfect. It came through clean. Guys, is it clean? Bennett, is it clean? Super clean. Came through perfect. Great. Thank you. Sean had a great question. My question is, do you have any sort of prep that you do to get ready for tonight as far as like, you know, stretching out or eating a bunch of carbs? And then Sean wanted to know, what do you do to relax after your big night? Like, do you have a spa day tomorrow? I'll do, yeah, I'll definitely do a court lunch tomorrow. Do a court lunch. that's just right there outside the house up north?

9:39Mostly, I'm just, I have a lot of lists. I have a lot of coordinates navigating. I have to figure out, you know, I've got... Jason, I don't know if you know, I have to do the whole world in one night, okay? So I got to get my ducks in a row. In fact, it's unbelievable that I'm talking to you right now. We really appreciate the time. Do you ever wear anything else besides that outfit, or is that the outfit you wear every single day? Sean, I have to tell you something. I don't know the other two so much, but you, my friend, you are very talented. Growing up in Serbia as a young man, we only had two channels, and we loved you in Three's Company.

10:17Thank you. I mean, what you did, and that was a very subversive show. We knew all the things you guys were saying. Yeah, sure. And the commentary on American propaganda and consumerism and the fact that Jack was a spy for the U.S. government. Anyway, thank you. Thank you for getting it. Right, and everything behind, I remember the song, all the kisses are hers and his and hers. Right? Right, yes. That was very racy for Serbia, wasn't it? That was good shit. Hey, have you ever seen the film Elf? I've always wondered that. Have you ever seen that? I don't like any of the Christmas movies, no. I haven't seen it.

10:59You should try that one. That one is very, very good. Very good. The one I watched and I absolutely loved was A Diva's Christmas Carol starring Diana Ross. That one is the most realistic one I've seen so far. Excuse me for laughing. I'm not laughing. But Diana Ross, she can sing, but boy, can she act. Okay, well, we'll have to check that out. Please do. If you're going to see one... What's it called again? A Diva's Christmas Carol. Diana Ross. Sure. A Diva's Christmas Carol. Okay. So you don't care for any of the actors who have portrayed you in films. No, because it's all crap. It's all bullshit.

11:49You would think someone would get on a Zoom with me and say, hey, what's it really like? But no, you know. And whatever. I don't have time to talk about this. I know you don't have time. So let me just ask you really quick, because I know you do have to go, What are you going to go do? What do you do to go and kind of, after your cold plunge, what do you do to kind of release valve? Do you and the Mrs. of Mrs. Santa Claus, do you guys do anything to just kind of take it down? We have a timeshare in Boca, so we'll do that. Okay. But seriously, I say don't look at me until St. Patrick's Day. Okay.

12:27Don't even look at me. You're a wreck. I'm a wreck. I'm an absolute wreck. Do you have kids? But we, no, we never got around to it. We never got around to it. How many butts, how many cigs do you get through on Christmas Eve? Oh, I go through. I mean, this is on my wish list, Parliament's, and I go through. It must be difficult to get those things fired up once you're up there on the sleigh. Yep, once you're in high altitude. And that's when I get that nicotine withdrawal. Well, right around Southeast Asia. It's, uh... You just go right to the patch. That's a real kick in the pants. Yes, the hat or the gum.

13:08Or the gum, but the gum will get caught in the beard. Yeah. You sound a little like Will Arnett when you... Now that you're older and you're smoking more. Well, it has an effect on the vocal cords. I mean... How old were you when your beard turned white? Uh, 19. That's tough. 19. Who are the naughtiest kids? Just what area of the world do you find the naughtiest kids? I'll give you the names right now. Brian Barner. Patrick Russo. Jerry Hampton. Tom Robinson. Alexander Nails. Alexander Nails. So they're getting, what do they get? Coach John Malcolm. Do they really get coal or is that just a wives' tale?

13:56They get coal. They get coal. I can't find coal as easily as, and it's no one wants. Yeah, the wokesters, they got rid of all the coal. With the mattress, it weighs down the sleigh and et cetera. So you know what I find that they were really bummed out about fruit? I give them fruit. Oh. Give them a pineapple or a kumquat. Overly ripe or not ripe at all. It can't be. Or a lemon. and sometimes if I'll put a little inscription on note, a lemon, and I say, suck it. Just to personalize it. Yeah. What's the dumbest letter you ever got? Do you remember any of your dumb letters? The dumbest letter I ever got was from Jimmy Carter's brother, Billy Carter.

14:46Yep. And he wanted...

14:54he was already in his cups I don't even remember what it was but I just remember thinking these guys are jackass you know it proved to be true and having no kids of yourself and having only to deal with them all these years do you still love kids do you still love being around them do you look forward to this year look I come off like I'm in a bad mood I love kids I do Sure. The kids are why I come back to it. Yeah. Because, you know, for the most part, the kids are, they are the future, right? Right. Sure. I guess so. I mean, it feels like you're just quoting a song, like a Whitney Houston song.

15:35Oh. All the kids are the future. And it can get all the kids to hold hands around the world. Oh, no. And sing a song in harmony. Oh, boy. Oh, wait a second. What a better place this would be, right? This is a Coca-Cola ad. If we could get animated polar bears along with kids. Oh, my God. This is a Coca-Cola. And if the polar bear drank a bottle of pop, how easy would that be? What are you making in endorsements pre-tax? What are you pulling in a year gross, would you estimate? Well, we're talking euros. Euros is fine. We'll take it in euros. Pre-tax? Pre-tax. Well, the Serbian tax system is...

16:27I'm making about 47 million. 47 million euros. Gross. You have trouble finding things to spend that on up north. I'm about to buy Chelsea. Chelsea Summer Club. Chelsea Football Club. Yeah, I got a bid in. So here's the thing. If that goes through, I'm done. You're done with Christmas. I'm done with all that. You hand over the gig to who? To the missus? I'll hand it over to, you know, I don't care. I'll hand it over to you three jokers. Can you make this, please? If that ends up happening, I know it's in the works, and you don't want to talk too much about it because it's still in the works. Yeah, I can't.

17:06You can't say too much. But maybe just ask you this. If you retain control of Chelsea Football Club, will you try to get American Christian Pulisic back on the squad? That will be my first move. That's your first gift. I knew it. Wait, Santa, I want to know, what does somebody get you as a gift? Oh, good question. The guy who has everything. Yeah, well, obviously, I'm never going to say no to parliaments. I like a comfortable walking shoe, like Clark's or Johnston's. Sure. Or have you tried the, oh gosh, what's the, I should know this. How about the shoes that you don't have to reach down to put on?

17:53Oh, Skechers. Sure. Those work for you? I love a good Skechers, yep. There may be, I can't say anything, but fingers crossed, there may be a Skechers collab with Snoop in the future. With you and... Me and St. Nicholas. Nikolaus and Snoop. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Huh. So we're making news. Is that okay to report that? That's okay. That's okay. That's like we're on the five-yard line on that one. Okay, gotcha. So, Santa, again, before we let you go, what are you looking at? What's your, what are you looking to be wheels up? Wheels up. We've got to start. Oh, God. Let me see. What's that? Yeah. No, I know.

18:41What happened? No, just my chief navigator says that the Icelandic volcano erupted again, so we're going to have to go around. Oh, you're going to have to circum... Okay, so we'll probably have to leave 3 o 'clock my time, 3 p.m. 3 p.m. your time. Here's another secret. In order to deliver all the toys in time, I have to do some of it in daylight. And it's just, you know... Wow. Oh, the kids must hate that. And the kids sometimes see me, and I have to threaten them. I'm like, don't tell anyone, or you won't get another gift. Oh, so kids have seen you, but the reason it hasn't come out is because you've threatened that they'll never get another gift.

19:24Threaten them, and I also have the little memory wiper from Annenbach. Oh, she. That started with you, huh? I have that, yeah. I have that. I have that. I love that you're Serbian. I can't wait to spread that around. Are you spending a lot of time back in Belgrade these days? Well, look, it's not a safe place to be. It's still pretty hot. Okay, sure. Yeah, it's hot. Yes. And I have to roll heavy when I go to Belgrade. The elves look sweet. Yes, but they are well trained. Okay. and they know they know how to handle themselves sure do you know but we'll stop we'll go to Belgrade we'll go to Nobu and we'll say hi to people and yeah we'll do all the usual places maybe have a meal with Novak Djokovic maybe with the Joker yeah sure and some of Ili Nostasi's family Oh.

20:33No kidding. Yeah, yeah. That's funny. He's Romanian, but. Yeah, he is Romanian, but he spends time in. He comes over for the shops. Yeah, he loves the shopping. Okay, well, Santa, listen, again, obviously it's a really busy day. Is there any message that you want to, like, sort of leave our listener with or the kids of the world just on this epic thing? Well, yeah, I think I said it. I want all the kids to hold hands around the world and sing a song of peace and joy and harmony. All right. Brought to us by who? By Coke. Coke Zero. The new Coke Zero. The new Coke Zero, it might be, and I'm not just saying this.

21:12I'm not just saying this. It might be the best Coke ever. I'm not just saying it. Okay. I'm not just saying it. Well, listen, Santa, what a treat for us to be able to spend just a bit part of Christmas Eve with you. Yeah, it was a treat for you. It was a waste of time for me. I know, I know. I'm going to, look, are we done? Yeah. Listen, best of luck tonight. I hope you have great work. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Safe luck. Oh, he left already. Oh, he left. And he's gone. He left so quickly. Well, we wish him luck. We hope he sobers up just a little bit before he gets behind the reins. Yeah.

21:46To all our fans and everywhere, and from Santa, we can speak for Santa, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, everyone. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Merry Christmas to you guys. I love you guys so much. Love you guys. have a great great rest of the Christmas Eve and an incredible day tomorrow Merry Christmas you guys and happy holidays we love you and let's just say a very very special Christmas bye bye smart smart

22:21smart smart smart smart smart smart smart This episode was exquisitely handcrafted by our favorite Santa's little helpers. Smart. Less.