How to Have Great Conversations & The Surprising Truth About Optimism

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1:22Today on Something You Should Know, the quickest way to get rid of that song that's stuck in your head. Then, what makes a great conversation and how you can be better at it? Good conversation. First of all, it's louder. Volume goes up from both parties. Then there's a lot more movement. Facial expressiveness. Mouth opens. Oh, wow. Really? Uh-huh. You get more leans. You get more hand gestures. Also, why you don't notice things happening around you right now. And the father of positive psychology, Martin Seligman, explains agency and optimism. Agency and optimism go up and down. If you wake up, as I do occasionally at four in the morning, you're in a low agentic state.

2:07And the troubles you have all appear insurmountable. Whereas at noon, the very same troubles seem surmountable and agentic. All this today on Something You Should Know. There's probably no better endorsement for a company than this. I keep buying their stuff. That's exactly what's happening with me and Quince. It started with their clothes. I've bought sweaters, polos, pants, jeans, shoes, a belt. And Quince has become one of the first places I look when I need something new to wear. And my wife and son buy from Quince too. all the time. What keeps bringing us back is the quality and the price.

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3:34Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to Quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK, too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, please let them know it was Something You Should Know. It's the best way to support our show. Something You Should Know. Fascinating intel. The world's top experts. And practical advice you can use in your life. Today, Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers. I'm sure you've had a song or part of a song get stuck in your head, and it'll eventually go away, but there's a way to get rid of it faster, and that's what we're going to start with today on this episode.

4:24Hi, I'm Mike Carruthers. Welcome to Something You Should Know. So you know when you get that 15-second hook of a song stuck in your head, and it just plays over and over again? There's a name for it. We've talked about it before on this podcast. it's an earworm. And usually it is just a short piece of the song rather than the entire song. But here's the useful part. One way to get rid of it may be to listen to the entire song from beginning to end. That can help your brain get beyond the little fragment that it keeps repeating. Another surprisingly effective trick is chewing gum. Research suggests the movement involved in chewing gum can interfere with the mental processes involved in replaying music in your head.

5:11So the next time you can't get a song out of your head, you can fight back with Spotify or a piece of gum. And that is something you should know.

5:26We spend a huge part of our lives talking with other people. And our ability to have a good conversation is so important in every area of life. Yet nobody really teaches us how to have a good conversation. How do you start talking with someone you don't know without it feeling awkward? What do you say when a conversation stalls? How do you change the subject, gracefully get out of a conversation, or make sure someone actually enjoys talking with you and wants to do it again. Vanessa Van Edwards says great conversation is not something you're simply born knowing how to do. There are skills and strategies that can make almost anyone better at it.

6:10Vanessa is a behavioral researcher, best-selling author, and instructor at Harvard University. Her latest book is Conversation, How to Connect with Anyone and Make Every Interaction Count, and she's here to explain what the best conversationalists do differently and how the rest of us can do it too. Hi, Vanessa. Welcome to Something You Should Know. Thanks so much for having me. So you said, before we started recording this segment, you said, well, you must be a good conversationalist. And yeah, I suspect I'm a pretty good conversationalist. But I find with strangers in particular, often the beginning of the conversation is the hardest part.

6:53How do you ramp it up and get it going? And what's your advice there? I think that we have two choices in the start of a conversation. And there's one choice that I think works better than the other, but I'll give you both. So the first choice is what we always do, which is we tend to follow social scripts. So someone says, hi, how are you? Where are you from? What do you do? That is a, even though it sounds authentic, it's actually quite socially scripted, right? If you ask someone today, hi, how are you? There's really only a few accepted answers. Good, busy, good, bad, or fine. Those are the only options.

7:30So you can go that way. You can do the socially scripted route, but I will tell you it is more likely to create what I would call a conversational dead end. After you do that back and forth, that rapid fire, there tends to be this lull, right? Like we kind of go, what are we talking about next? And also we become less memorable because our brain is like going on autopilot. The second choice, which is my preferred choice, but it does take a little bit of conversational courage, is to open with a script breaking question. These are not groundbreaking and these are also not too deep, too fast. I wish we could start every conversation with, tell me your greatest dream today, but that would be a little too much, a little awkward.

8:10So instead, I like little swaps that break the script and also ask the person's brain to search for something good. So instead of, how are you? Ask instead, what's been good? When you ask the brain what's been good or working on anything exciting these days, or what's been the highlight of your week? Do anything fun this past weekend? When you ask just very subtle searching for good questions, they're still safe, but they're still pretty casual. They're a version of how are you, but the important difference is they are searching for stories. In the opening of a conversation, we're often trapped in facts.

8:48How are you? Where are you from? What do you do? Are you married? Got any kids? Facts are one word answers and they can create accidental awkwardness versus anything good? What's been good? Working on anything exciting? I'm subtly asking your brain to look for good stories in your past, in your day, and it reframes a little bit of optimism, but also it's going to give so much more interesting answers. Well, and that should work almost in any situation. I guess it depends, too, on how high the stakes are in this conversation. You seem like the kind of person that would be willing to experiment with those kinds of questions, but I think other people are afraid of digging like that.

9:29But I like that. What you're saying is you're asking for something specific rather than the vague general, how you doing? What's going on? What's up? Yeah. Yes. And I think you're right. It does take a little bit of an experimental mindset. But I would say this is it might sound more courageous to ask one of these slightly script breaking questions. But actually, when you ask one of these, you're more likely to get a better answer, which means you'll have less awkward silence. I find awkward silence terrifying. When I'm in a conversation and I don't know what to say next, that is actually more scary to me than asking a little bit of a harder question.

10:06And so I think in that way, I encourage people to sort of choose their heart. Do you want to have the heart of autopilot, awkward, not memorable? Or do you want to have the heart of, okay, I'm going to be a little bit courageous. We might break the script. I might hear something different, but the rewards are so much better. Well, that awkward silence you just mentioned, I mean, that can really kill a conversation because when it happens, everybody knows, well, we have an awkward silence here and it becomes kind of its own self-perpetuating horror because now we all know that there's this awkward silence.

10:44somebody needs to say something, but I don't know who should and what are they going to say? And has anybody ever looked at like why awkward silences happen and what you can do to prevent them? Yes. So I thought a lot about this in the research for the book. What happens when there's an awkward silence is there's almost a social rupture of, oh, no, I'm about to say something wrong. Like in that awkward silence, there's sort of this moment of meta in the conversation where we think, oh no, who's going to take the ball? And am I going to say the wrong thing? And the worst thing that could possibly happen to us in social interactions is if we say something wrong, because that threatens our social survival.

11:25So it really triggers a lot of very lizard brain responses in that automatic fear. So that's the first thing is it's an accidental misfire of our protection. But second is the way that I observed conversationalists got out of these awkward silence is very simple. They did what I call context cues. And there's really good psychology about this, which is when we focus on the same thing, especially a shared context. So we're all in a restaurant. Have you been here before? How do you know the host? Have you ordered here? Do you like the wine, that psychology of shared experience is actually incredibly bonding.

12:08So they will often jump to whatever they can see, your glass of wine, that coffee, this restaurant, this town, the host, the event, the holiday party, the meeting agenda, anything that they can see or hear. And it very quickly provides a little bridge because it reminds the other person we're in the same place at the same time. And by the way, it even works on Zoom. You know, I love your Zoom background. Is that a picture of your family? Right? You can even do it with cues you see on video. When we do that, it helps create a shared meaning. But also, it's very low pressure lift in the conversation.

12:45So if I ask, you know, how do you know the host? Or, you know, have you been to this restaurant before? Do you like the food? You're also often asking for their opinion or advice, which is also script breaking. So the kinds of things we've been talking about seem to be revolving around, you know, meeting people, small talk, that kind of thing. But I think when we hear the statistics that people have fewer friends than they ever did before, that a lot of that small talk never goes anywhere, that people don't develop friendships perhaps the way they used to. How do you move this small talk into something bigger if that seems appropriate?

13:20it. And this is the crux of my entire mission with this work is there are three levels of conversation. And when you feel deeply connected to someone, you are slowly moving up those levels. Level one is everything we've been talking about. It's good and bad small talk. So it's learning about someone's hometown, their occupation, what they do for a living. It's the basic facts about someone. Level two is where we want to go in conversation. Whether we realize it or not, It's how we feel meaning. Level two is called personal concerns. And it's our goals, our motivations, our drive, our personality traits, our core values.

13:59And so in really great conversation, you move up to level two. And that's when you're starting to say, you know, what goal are you working on these days? Or, you know, you mentioned that side hustle you wanted to work on. How's that going? Or, you know, what are you learning right now? What gets you up in the morning? What keeps you up at night. It's questions that are beginning to get to their inner world, not just their outer world. And how do you know when it's going well? Like, yeah, this is a person I'd like to get to know better, but you got to get a sense somehow that they're thinking along those same lines, or they may be thinking, how fast can I get away from this person?

14:39I mean, how do you tune into that? Yeah, well, good conversation actually looks different. We did a really fun research experiment. So I run Science of People. It's a human behavior lab. And we did an experiment with speed networkers. So we got 500 speed networkers across three different events, and we brought them in, and we assigned them conversation starters. This is a part of the research where in the book, I talk about nine questions to unlock these levels. And I was testing all the questions. I think we had a list originally of, I don't know, something like 70 questions that I wondered, could these questions unlock, right?

15:15And so we assigned six of them that we were testing, and we had them rate the quality of the conversation. So from one, that was horrible, awkward, I never want to do that again, to five, I think this person's my soulmate, I love them. It was the best conversation I've had in a long time. And what we saw, we also set up four cameras in all corners of the room to observe the conversation. and we could predict which questions were going well based on what the room looked like. So a good conversation, first of all, it's louder. Volume goes up from both parties. And when we're excited, when we're engaged, we tend to have higher volume.

15:52Then there's a lot more movement, facial expressiveness, eyebrow raises, mouth opens. Wow, really? Uh-huh. Wow. You get a lot more vocalizations. You get more leans. You get more hand gestures. You get more touches, arm touches, high fives, fist bumps, reach outs across, so closer proxemics. It's called space between people. So if someone is doing those with you and you're noticing, wow, we're talking at a higher volume, they're eyebrow raised, they're leaning, they're nodding, they're head tilting, we have more gestures, that's a pretty good sign that it's going well. And then really this is only an internal one that you would know is do you feel understood?

16:31Do you feel respected? If you're feeling understood and respected, you're probably ready to dip your toe into level two. You're probably ready to begin to talk about those deeper questions. Here's something I think people really want to know is how in a conversation do you make sure that you're coming across as someone who is likable? Not just somebody who's talking and engaging, but actually somebody who is likable. The goal is not actually to be likable in every conversation. The goal, I think, is to make every conversation count. That means you were heard, you were understood, or you heard someone else and sought to understand.

17:16If we can do that, we are going to be better humans. We're going to communicate better. We're going to have good intention. And so thank you for asking because I actually think that it's a mistake to try to be liked by everyone. It's impossible. and also it's okay. You can still have good conversation even if there isn't mutual liking. It's still possible. Yeah, I've had those. They're not as easy. So I want to find out from you what are some of the pitfalls because we've been talking about things to do to have better conversations but there are people, there are things that come at you that can derail and I want to talk about that when we come back after this.

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19:16Pink Panther Us here. Coach and Spotify are teaming up to bring music and style together and they want you to be part of it. Grab your friends and head to the Tabby Tour, hitting cities around the country with live performances from special artists, exclusive experiences and personalized products. And discover custom playlists on Spotify, booked just for you based on who you are and how you listen. Live your story with Coach. Learn more at Coach.com. We're talking about how anyone can get better at being a good conversationalist. And my guest is Vanessa Van Edwards. She's author of a book called Conversation, How to Connect with Anyone and Make Every Interaction Count.

19:57So I'm curious what you think is the thing or the things that really throw a conversation on its heels, that really can just ruin everything. Dream killing. Dream killing is a very specific thing that happens in conversation. And it's most often in level two, but it can happen in level one conversation. I believe there are two different types of folks in conversation. There's dream builders and there's dream killers. Dream builders are adding. They're always adding the conversation. They're additive. They're adding curiosity. They're adding questions. They're using one of my favorite phrases, tell me more.

20:34They're asking specific follow-up questions. Even if they don't agree, they are still adding. Dream killers are subtractors. They deflate. They don't reply. They don't ask follow-ups. They assume they know instead of curiosity. And what is the hardest thing, the thing that I hear the most, the complaint is well-intentioned dream killers. Oftentimes, dream killers are really smart and they want to help and they don't know how to do it exactly. And so they dream kill. I, you know, that you open about a new business idea. Oh, that will never work. You know, someone did that. Oh, I don't know. I'm googling your audience numbers right now.

21:19I don't think there's enough people to make a viable business out of this. No, no, that name doesn't make sense. No. They are well-intentioned there. They're trying to offer support and advice. But there is a time for dream killing, and it is not in those nascent stages of development of an idea. So dream killers, my smartest people, my students who are really off the charts, high achievers, they are often ruining their connection. They're ruining their conversations. They're not like, because they are accidentally well-intentioned dream killing too early. And so what I always say that the general rule, and it's hard to know when to do this exactly, again, this is more nuanced, we're on level two, is gut check before fact check.

22:00We love a fact check. We want to get accurate, but is this the time for that? Could you get curious first? Have they thought about potential markets? Have they Googled the audience size? Have they tested that name? Asking before assuming, I think, is a skill that we have, and master conversationalists do a really good job of it, where you don't have to agree, but we do have to get curious. But do you think there's any benefit to engaging with a dream killer like that when he or she says, well, that'll never work, to argue with him about why it will work or just move on? Oh, yes. I'm married to a dream killer.

22:43Dream killers have a great talent. Dream killers are very good, usually very analytical. They are very good future projectors. They're strategists. And that can be extremely useful when you're ready for it. So I never bring the early stage dreams to my husband first. Or I'll say to him, hey, I'm in dream storming mode. Just ask, well, let's dream kill later. I'm not ready yet. And now we have that language. So he knows how to, he knows, okay, great. I'll wait. And sometimes he'll even say, are you ready for me to dream kill? Are you ready? Well, I'm sure everybody has had the experience of talking to someone who you would categorize as difficult to talk to.

23:22They don't really bring much to the table. They don't have much to say. They don't contribute to the conversation as opposed to say someone like you, who's pretty easy to talk to because you're enthusiastic, you're fun, you obviously like to have conversations. Mike, you're too kind. Thank you. This is a great conversation. I'm in my element in the sense I'm talking about something I love. I think it can be harder if I'm not talking about something I love, but these skills have helped me, I think, I hope, put people at ease when they're talking to me. And that has been such a gift because I think that conversation is a vehicle for opportunity.

24:05Of course, if you're a good conversationalist, you're more likely to get the raise, your boss to remember you, to sell the thing, to get the date. Yes. But more importantly, there's such a joy of having good conversation that when you're easy to talk to, and I've only discovered this in the last decade of, oh my gosh, this is so wonderful. Like talking, you know, if I want to talking to my Uber driver about his life story if I want to and he wants to. What a joy that is, better than checking my feed. And there's sometimes where I'm like, don't talk to me. I'm good. I want to be myself, be in my head.

24:38So I think my goal is to put you in control. That if you want to have wonderful, joyful conversations, here are the tools. Well, here's a practical question I meant to ask you, because you had said earlier, it's best not to use things like, how are you? What's new? Because there's really not much you can do with that, which is fine. Okay, so you don't do that. But people do that to you all the time. Hey, how are you? Hey, what's going on? And so what do you do in that case when those questions that you say don't use them are coming at you? So the other skill to have is to be ready for those questions.

25:20Boring questions are opportunities. When someone asks you a boring question and you can break the script on your answer, that's when I think real magic can happen. So a challenge I would give to everyone is to make a list of the three to five questions you're asked most often in small talk, either by your colleagues on a daily basis or by parents and teachers at your school or in your job or in networking. What are the questions you're asked most often? And how could you answer them better? still safe. Like I still want you to be comfortable, but what could you say or do that would delight someone, surprise them and make you easier to talk to that gives them a little bit more information so that they can go, Oh really?

26:02Tell me more. I didn't know that. But if we can kind of pre brainstorm those questions, it also gives conversational confidence. Can you give me an example of a question and an answer in that regard? Sure. Yeah, of course. So, um, my friend, Jason Piper. He's editor of Entrepreneur Magazine. And he has a lot of dinners, a lot of dinners and lunches. That's all he does all day long. And he says he's always either at the table, the menus are out. And what are you going to order? Do you like anything at this restaurant? He has no sense of taste or smell. He literally cannot taste or smell anything.

26:37So when someone asks that, he says, you know, I have no sense of taste or smell. And what? No way. Yeah, no way. You know, if you were me, what has the best texture on the menu? Or just based on texture alone, I love this one. Or if I had my taste back for one day, what would you choose for me to eat? And he has all these questions about this that he learns, he's interesting. He says, even though he asks or brings up the same kind of things, he always gets different answers. And so it has made him more memorable, but also he's a delight to talk to. And I've been to many dinners and lunches with him where this comes up and it's so fun every time.

27:15Well, being good at conversation gives you an advantage in all aspects of life, in your career, in your business, in your personal life. People like people who can speak well and have a good conversation, and this has been really helpful. I've been talking with Vanessa Van Edwards. She is a behavioral researcher and instructor at Harvard University and author of the book Conversation, How to Connect with Anyone and Make Every Interaction Count. There's a link to her book in the show notes. Vanessa, this was fun. Thanks for being here. Thanks, Mike. It's been such a pleasure. Pink Panther is here.

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28:52Today, you hear a lot about positive psychology, and one of the people largely responsible for that is Dr. Martin Seligman. He is one of the most influential psychologists of our time. He's the author of more than 30 books, and his groundbreaking work on optimism, happiness, and well-being has changed the way we think about what makes life go well. What makes him especially interesting is that this world-renowned expert on optimism has spent much of his own life battling pessimism and negative thinking, as you're about to hear. And that experience has helped lead him to a bigger question. What gives some people the belief they can change their circumstances and shape what happens next?

29:38That idea is at the heart of his new book, It's titled Agency, the Psychological History of Human Progress. And as you'll hear, it isn't about psychology or history. It's about how optimism, confidence, and imagination can give you more control over where your own life goes from here. I think you're going to find this conversation very useful. Hi, Martin. Welcome to Something You Should Know. Thanks, Mike. It's a pleasure to be here. So I hear that word agency a lot more now than I ever used to. I don't even remember people using it in the way people use it today. What does it mean and where did it come from, if you know?

30:22Agency has been the story of my whole life's work. So for me, agency is the cognitive state that you can accomplish your goals. And it has three components, efficacy, you can accomplish your goals in the here and now. Very importantly, optimism that you can accomplish your goals into the long-term future. And most important for innovation and progress, imagination, the range of goals that you can accomplish. And the opposite of agency is what? I think it's helplessness and giving up the belief that nothing you do matters. And that's where I started, Mike, 60 years ago. So I was working with animals and people, and I found that when they experienced events that they couldn't do anything about, they became profoundly passive.

31:24And so it was from the opposite of agency that I started. And after 20 years of asking the question, who couldn't I make helpless in the laboratory? I found out it was the optimists, that people who believed in their own agency, who believed that they could do it, and when they were thwarted, it was someone else's fault, It was circumstances. But in the future, they would be able to do it. Those were the people I could not make helpless. So I've had this experience in my life. I've always felt pretty good about my ability to get things done, to tackle projects, to get it finished. But there was a time in my life where kind of everything didn't work.

32:15And so I kind of lost my mojo, I guess. And it was gone. I didn't feel like I had agency for quite a while. And then somehow it came back. And so I'm wondering, is that common? Do people come in and out of agency as life hits them with certain things? Or is truly, if you're an optimist, you'll always have it? No, agency and optimism go up and down. Not only do they go up and down in your life, particularly with bad circumstances or good circumstances, but you can see it, Mike, in your life every day. If you wake up, as I do occasionally, at four in the morning, it turns out you're in a low-agentic state.

33:03And the troubles you have all appear insurmountable. Whereas at noon, the very same troubles statistically seem surmountable and agentic. So agency changes. It changes in individuals. It changes within a culture. And it changes across human history. Yeah, well, it is interesting how a problem that doesn't seem quite so bad in the middle of the day, at night when you're lying in bed at four in the morning, tossing and turning, it seems like it's devastating. But those changes in how we look at a problem, either very pessimistically, like at four in the morning, or optimistically during the day, can we orchestrate that change or it just happens?

33:56I've devoted a lot of my life to the question, if you take people who feel non-agentic, can you increase their agency? And let me just give you an example of the kind of thing we do, Mike. Close your eyes, Mike. I want you to imagine the following. It's noon on Friday, and you get an email from your boss. Actually, I don't know, Mike, if you have any bosses. You're so successful in what you do, there may be no email at noon on Friday that would scare you. But I want you to imagine that you have a boss, and at noon on Friday, you get an email. It says, come see me at four. Okay, the question is, what are you thinking now?

34:46Now, most people are mild catastrophizers. And what you're probably thinking is something like, I'm going to be fired. This is awful. But in fact, especially because although I don't have a boss right now, I've had them, plenty of them. And that four o 'clock meeting, the fact that it's at four o 'clock just before the day is over, just enough time to clean out your desk. The four o 'clock meeting, how could you not catastrophize about that? And oftentimes I remember the four o 'clock meeting was exactly that. You're fired. In reality, most automatic thoughts you have tend toward the catastrophization.

35:32And most of them, it turns out, are unrealistic. So it's very important to get the most likely scenario that's going to happen. So the way we deal with pessimism is to have people in touch with what they're saying to themselves, which is often the worst possible thing, and to treat those voices that tell you you're going to be fired as not gospel truth, but as a third person whose mission in life is to make you miserable and to argue realistically. against your most catastrophic thoughts. And by doing that, what does that do for you at the four o 'clock meeting? Well, it does a whole lot. The first thing is catastrophization.

36:26The lack of agency produces learned helplessness. It paralyzes you from doing anything between now and four, except sitting there in fear. finding a realistic non-catastrophic explanation first makes you feel better and then it energizes you and most importantly it energizes you to plan for what might happen at four in the afternoon well that's a great example of catastrophizing that everybody does i mean you could ask a hundred people. The question you just asked me about the four o 'clock meeting, and I bet most of them would say, yeah, you're going to get fired. I mean, that's just, that's what that four o 'clock meeting is for, because we tend to look at the worst thing that could happen.

37:19Just to give you an example, Mike, it's personal and it's about you. I woke up at four this morning. I'm a pessimist. And And I said, holy cow, in eight hours, I've got this famous interviewer, Mike Carruthers, on. And he's, I'm 84 years old. He's going to demolish me. I just don't have the wherewithal to encounter this kind of interviewer. Hey, that's my voice. Now, what did I do? As a pessimist, as a depressive, I still hear those voices. but I've become a good arguer against them. And so what I actually did at four in the morning, and I was able to get back to sleep, is there was only saying, hey, last week I gave a two-hour lecture to the board of directors of a very important company, and it was a smashing hit.

38:17I may be 84 years old, but I'm still at the top of my game. And so to counter your unrealistic catastrophic thoughts, marshalling realistic evidence is the best medicine I know. Well, that's an interesting example, because if anyone who was going to be interviewed by me for this podcast, if they listen to the show, they would realize I'm very accommodating. I don't destroy people. I don't go for the gotcha questions. I want people to come across well. But that doesn't prevent the people who are going to be interviewed from waking up at four in the morning and say, holy cow, I've got Mike Carruthers at three this afternoon.

39:03I'm going to fail. And that's the way we're built. We've got a reptilian brain which anticipates the very worst. And indeed, during the ice ages, that's very useful. But it's probably going to be a nice day tomorrow in Pasadena. And in fact, it's probably going to be the case that you're going to have a good interview with Mike Carruthers and he's not going to demolish you. And so you have to prepare for the realistic happening, not for the catastrophe. So let's say that I say to you, you're a legend in the world of optimism. I have recommended you, if somebody asked me, name somebody who's an expert in optimism, it would be you.

39:50You are far more famous than I am. And you also do a really good interview. You know what you're saying. You say it really well. It's clear. Your examples are good. Knowing that I said that, and every word I just said is true, is that going to help you the next time you wake up at four in the morning because somebody else is going to interview you? It's going to add to the realistic evidence that I can invoke against the genetically, evolutionarily dictated voices that warn me of catastrophe. And so, in fact, within a culture and within individuals, the best way of increasing efficacy is, in fact, having realistic success experiences.

40:41And the reverse is what undermines a belief in efficacy, belief in agency, is having failure after failure. And that, when combined with catastrophization, paralyzes you. Just let me give you an important example, Mike. So I was fortunate enough to be the lead consultant for the United States Army on comprehensive soldier fitness. One of the things we were able to do was to ask the question, could we predict post-traumatic stress disorder? So we had everyone, everyone, not a sample, 76 ,000 people deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan. And we followed them for five years. And we asked the question, can we predict who's going to come down with post-traumatic stress disorder?

41:40And here's what happened. 5%, 3 ,500 of them get post-traumatic stress disorder. And so we asked, could we predict it? And the answer was yes. The first thing that predicts it is a realistic bad event. The worse the combat is, the more the post-traumatic stress disorder. But here's the important point about agency. It was the catastrophizers on day one who, at every level of combat, are more than twice as likely to come down with post-traumatic stress disorder. So the important thing to know here is that your beliefs about agency and the reverse belief, the belief that when things go bad, everything unravels, amplifies awful events to become true catastrophes and to lead to post-traumatic stress disorder.

42:42We asked the reverse question, could we predict success in the Army? So again, this is 900 ,000 soldiers. We have them at day one, and we watch them for the next five years. The Army gives two awards that are relevant here. The first is for exemplary work performance, and the second is heroism. So we asked the opposite of post-traumatic stress disorder, could we predict who was going to win these medals? And the answer was again, yes, from day one. Three things statistically and robustly predict exemplary work and heroism. The first is being an optimist. The second is high positive emotion on day one.

43:33And the third is low negative emotion, not being a complainer. So we're able to predict on the one hand from high agentic psychological profiles success and on the other hand from low agentic profiles post-traumatic stress disorder. And from that the prescription is what? Well there are two prescriptions. If you're a corporation and I'm talking about the corporate prescription here, hire happy people, hire optimists, high positive emotion, and non-complainers. But very few corporations have that option. So if you have pessimists, complainers, do the kinds of exercises that we did 10 minutes ago, Mike, which reliably changes pessimism toward optimism.

44:35Yeah, I would imagine complaining is a real big ingredient in this, whether you do or don't. Let me tell you something that happened to me two years ago, Mike, about even for someone like me who knows this stuff about complaining well. I'm very interested in food and in wine. And in fact, I've taught wine in my distant past. But when I go to the restaurant with my kids and my grandkids and my wife and the sommelier comes out with a wine, my family crawls under the table. They anticipate that I'm going to give them sommelier a hard time and I'm going to complain. and Mandy, my wife, a high optimist, said to me, you know, Marty, the kids don't like going out to dinner with you because you embarrass them.

45:32In that moment, I realized that if Mandy complained as much as I did, I wouldn't want to be married to her. And I resolved to change. and indeed a week later we're at a good restaurant and I order steak tartare. The maitre d comes up to me and says, oh, Professor Seligman, the machine is broken. I think, oh, machine for making steak tartare. You make it with a very sharp Japanese knife and you sliver by hand. So that's what I thought. and then I said okay I'll have the smoked salmon please so indeed at age 82 I learned how devastating complaining is even with the people I love but what about you in that case when you had to basically suck it up and get the salmon were you angry inside and kind of ruined your dinner or were you able to just let it go and enjoy your salmon?

46:40No, I couldn't let it go. You know, I was angry inside, but my kids were not cringing under the table and the smoked salmon was perfectly good. And not only that, I took the incident and said, hey, this is the kind of incident that I can use in an interview. And you just did. You know, I always enjoy hearing you talk about this because I think this applies to so many people. And that fact that it applies to you as well, it's your story as well as all this research you've done is really, really fascinating. I've been speaking with Dr. Martin Seligman. He is one of the, if not the, father of positive psychology.

47:24He's written more than 30 books and his latest is called Agency, The Psychological History of Human Progress. And there's a link to that book in the show notes. Martin, always a pleasure to talk to you. Well, thank you, Mike. My four o 'clock nightmare was wrong.

47:47Something interesting happens in your kitchen, and I'm sure you've noticed this before. Your refrigerator hums along for a while, and then the compressor shuts off. Yet you probably noticed it turning off more than you ever noticed it running. That's because your brain is remarkably good at tuning out continuous predictable sounds. It's called habituation. After repeated exposure to a harmless stimulus, your response to it decreases. The refrigerator, the air conditioner, your computer fan, or a ticking clock gradually disappear from your awareness. even though your ears are still receiving the sound.

48:31But when the background noise suddenly stops, there's a change, and your attention can snap right back to it. It's why a room can suddenly seem strangely quiet when an appliance shuts down. Your brain hasn't stopped hearing the world around you, it's just been deciding which parts aren't worth bothering you about. And that is something you should know. Please help spread the word about this podcast. Tell your friends about it. Reference it from time to time. Bring it up in conversation and help us get new listeners. I'm Mike Carruthers. Thanks for listening today to Something You Should Know. Pink Panther us here.

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