The Science of Charisma & Why Midlife Is Better Than Everyone Thinks

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1:22Today on Something You Should Know, why insects fly to your porch light and how to get them to go somewhere else. Then charisma. Anyone can have it if you understand how it works. Remember that charisma isn't just how you make them feel about you. It's how you make them feel about themselves. Let them impress you and they will love you for it. stop trying to impress people. Also, why you sometimes can't find things that are sitting right there in plain sight. And midlife. Midlife has a terrible reputation it doesn't deserve. Unfortunately, we've been sold this narrative of midlife as a crisis, but the data that we have tell a very different story.

2:10Really, midlife is prime time, and that's a fundamental reframe that I hope many will embrace. All this today on Something You Should Know.

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3:32Olivia Fox Cabane: so you keep everything you earn. something you should know fascinating intel the world's top experts and practical advice you can use in your life today something you should know with mike carruthers it's a common dance we see every summer bugs flying towards circling around and crashing into porch lights why do they do that I'm Mike Carruthers, and that's what we're going to start with today on this episode of Something You Should Know. For decades, scientists thought that the reason bugs were attracted to light had to do with something about the moon, that bugs were mistaking light bulbs for the moon.

4:19But new research suggests that's not what's happening at all. It turns out insects aren't trying to fly to the light. They're getting trapped by it. Most flying insects have evolved to keep the brightest part of the sky above them. It's a simple way to stay upright while flying. For millions of years, that worked really well because the brightest light was the sun or the moon overhead. But a porch light changes everything. As an insect flies past, it instinctively twists its back towards the bulb, trying to keep the light above it. That causes the bug to bank and loop and circle to the light and even flip upside down and crash.

5:03In other words, bugs aren't attracted to your porch light because they like it. They're confused by it. If you want to reduce the number of bugs attracted to your light, change the bulb. Remember this, if the package says daylight or cool white, you'll get more bugs. If it says soft white, warm white, or amber, you'll see far fewer. And that is something you should know.

5:30Have you ever met someone who just has it? The moment they walk into a room, people notice. Others seem naturally drawn to them. They aren't necessarily the smartest or the funniest or even the best-looking person there. Yet somehow they command attention and make people want to be around them. We call that charisma. But what exactly is it? Is charisma something you're born with, or is it actually a skill? And if it's a skill, why do some people seem to have so much of it, while others struggle to connect? My guest says charisma is not a mysterious gift bestowed on a lucky few. It's a set of behaviors that anyone can learn and master.

6:17Olivia Fox-Cobain is one of the world's leading authorities on the science of charisma. Her clients include leaders at Google, Deloitte, UBS, MGM, and TikTok. And she's author of the best-selling book, The Charisma Myth, How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism, which has been translated into 27 languages. Hi, Olivia. Welcome to Something You Should Know. Thanks, Mike. It's great to be here.

6:46Olivia Fox Cabane: So when I think of charisma, and I think when most people think of charisma, somebody comes to mind, some very confident, very dynamic, very magnetic kind of person. And then I think, well, that's just who they are. Is that just who they are? That is the key myth about charisma. Indeed, that most people think that it's innate, that people are either born with it or they're not, when in fact, we now have the science to show that charisma is not innate, it is just a series of behaviors. But the people that I think of as charismatic, and you often hear people talk about, say, Oprah or Bill Clinton, that these are very charismatic people.

7:30Olivia Fox Cabane: Do they work at it, or is it just who they are? Some people do have predispositions, a certain facility. And let me be clear, I can't turn everyone, possibly even anyone, into Bill Clinton. There are some people that are just superhuman in terms of charisma. What happens is that the people who have natural predispositions start learning the behavior so early in life that by the time we usually get to know them in, let's say, late teenagehood or adulthood, it looks as if it were innate. There are some fascinating stories about Bill Clinton, age three or four, already being a mini-politician on the playground, going around to all the kids, learning their names, asking the teacher questions, etc.

8:17However, the fascinating thing is that you also see some people like Steve Jobs who absolutely learned their charisma, and you can see it from, in his case, 1983 to 2011, you can see him learning the various pieces of charisma, the components, the behaviors, one after the other.

8:36Olivia Fox Cabane: So that's a much more intentional process of learning it. But what does it mean to learn it? I mean, is it, I mean, there's a book, you wrote it, but the idea of becoming charismatic, is that a very sit down and intentional, I need to do these things to be charismatic and magnetic? If you want to essentially gain it as fast as possible and as intensely as possible, yes. There are people who don't go about it in such a pragmatic or tactical way. And you'll hear, I hear from people saying, well, I decided when I was a teenager that I'd just learn and I copied people around me. But being a nerd, for me, the answer is always first, let's see if there's science out there.

9:21And guess what? There is. So the day that I learned that in controlled laboratory experiments, researchers were able to raise and lower people's level of charisma as if they were turning a dial, that was the day I decided I'm going to learn this stuff because the science is out there.

9:40Olivia Fox Cabane: If you can turn it on and turn it off, do you think charismatic people like a Bill Clinton turns it off? When he goes home, does he go, oh God, thank God that's over with. Now I can be real or not? I think so, yes. And the reason I think so is that some of the most fascinating stories in the lore of charisma are ones like Marilyn Monroe deciding she was going to prove that Norma Jean and Marilyn were personas she could flip in and out of. And so on one New York summer, I think it was 1955, she goes into Grand Central Station with a photographer and a journalist. And she was showing them that she could just be Norma Jean.

10:23So she boards a subway car. And even though there is a camera clicking the whole time, apparently not a single person noticed her. Then she emerges from the subway, goes back onto the street, turns to the reporter, says, so you want to see Marilyn? And he said that there wasn't a huge gesture. She just overall shifted her body language, fluffed up her hair. But all of a sudden, to the reporter, it looked magic. And all of a sudden, for all the people around, they realized it was Marilyn and the crowd went wild. So we do have these stories of the charismatic superstars turning it on and off. And we have the studies of participants' level of charisma going up and down.

11:07Because charisma can take effort, I understand why some people would want to turn it off, especially since, let's be honest, there are downsides to being charismatic. Really? You would think that if I can turn a dial and be more charismatic,

11:22Olivia Fox Cabane: that that's, what would the downside be? It may sound weird, but people really do get high on your presence, and people can get kind of addicted to the charisma being turned on. And then there are the other ones, like, you can convince people even when you're wrong. And I've seen this with founders in Silicon Valley time and time again. Charismatic founders have a huge advantage in fundraising, but they can sometimes have a genuine disadvantage in leading because they will convince their team, they will convince customers, even when they are incorrect. And then eventually product market fit or whatever it is that shows that they got everyone to drink their Kool-Aid along with them, the company crashes into a wall.

12:11Olivia Fox Cabane: So when you break charisma down into its core elements, what are they? The three basic components of charisma, they get different names in different studies, but essentially presence, power, and warmth. If you look at presence, sometimes it's called attentiveness or receptivity. If you look at power, sometimes it's called dominance or assertiveness. If you look at warmth, sometimes it's called friendliness, but you can group them in these categories. What it means, if you look at it kind of from a survival perspective, it makes sense. It's, can you move mountains for me? And would you care to do so?

12:52Because if you think of it, someone who can move the mountains, but has no interest in moving the mountains you need moved, doesn't really help your survival. Someone who really wants to move your mountains, but doesn't have the power, equally irrelevant. And someone who can and would, but is too distracted to even know or notice which mountains you need moved, again, irrelevant. So if you think of it, you can kind of parallel to sugar, fat, and salt. The same way we overreact to sugar, fat, and salt each individually, you put them together, you kind of get junk food, and that's when the taste buds go crazy.

13:25If you put presence, power, and warmth together, that is when you have someone that all your instincts say, pay attention to this one.

13:34Olivia Fox Cabane: And if you have presence, power, and warmth, Can you put those into action for me? Tell me how would I identify them just to get a more real, less abstract concept of what those three things are? Sure thing. The presence one, ironically, is these days the easiest to get bonus points for because so few people have it. Presence is really the ability to stay present, focused, and attentive on the other person moment by moment. It sounds simple, but it's not easy because we are so continuously distracted by our phones, our tablets, our watches, our everything, that anytime someone gives us genuinely full attention for even a few moments, It is extraordinary the outsized impact that this can have on the people that you're interacting with.

14:30So that's presence. And it's kind of like the foundation. Power. Power is not necessarily the actual power to command an army. It's more something that we infer. And we tend to infer it to assume it from your body language. So it really comes down to if you appear confident, people will assume you have something to be confident about. And power, if you're looking for the one thing that can boost confidence, it's really a question of removing the one thing that kills it, which is self-criticism and self-doubt. Learning how to handle those two is kind of ground zero for emanating power and charisma.

15:16And the final one is warmth. And warmth is simply giving the sense that you care about the other person, that you care for their well-being. And with most of the components in charisma, it cannot be faked because humans are extraordinarily good at detecting incongruity in your body language. However, it can be for some small things. You can like some parts of the person. And the irony is, if you look at Steve Jobs, the warmth didn't come from his love of his audience or his customers. The warmth came from his enthusiasm for the product itself. Okay, well, I've got some questions about implementing the things that you just talked about, and I'll ask you about that when we come back in just a moment.

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19:14Get this exclusive podcast-only offer now at airdoctorpro.com. A-I-R-D-O-C-T-O-R-P-R-O dot com. Using promo code S-Y-S-K. We're talking about charisma and how to acquire it with Elizabeth Fox Cobain. She's author of the book The Charisma Myth, How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism. It's a best-selling book and has been translated into 27 languages. So Elizabeth, you said that learning to conquer self-criticism and self-doubt is ground zero for charisma. But if you're plagued by self-doubt and self-criticism, how do you conquer that? How do you get past that so you can move on and get charisma?

20:08So I'd like to start from the inside and talk about the outside just in a second. Because from the inside, ironically, the route to projecting more power, more strength, often comes from self-compassion. Because, Mike, have you ever been in a conversation where you think something and your brain goes, ooh, that was stupid? Has that ever happened to you?

20:33Olivia Fox Cabane: Oh, more times than I'd like to think. Right. So two things happen in that moment. One, your face kind of winces or cringes. And the really interesting thing is that that was self-judgment, self-directed coldness. But the other person doesn't know that. All they know is that while you were looking at them, listening to them, and presumably thinking about them, they accurately read criticism, coldness, and judgment on your face. So naturally, they're going to assume it's about them. The other thing it's going to do is that our brain is pretty terrible at understanding the difference between imagination and reality.

21:13And this is the reason why when you go watch a horror movie, even though you know it's just a movie, your brain sees blood and guts on the screen, you still get the fight or flight, you still get the adrenaline, etc. So when you get internal attacks, it registers in your brain and it has some of the same impact as a real attack would have. And so interestingly, the most important tool to increase self-confidence is actually self-compassion, the ability to forgive yourself when you mess up. So for me, it's been really interesting over the past decade how often working with guys who wanted the big macho energy, we actually had to go through the soft forgiveness energy to get there.

21:57And the second way is understanding that your brain thinks that it's giving you an accurate picture of reality. Often it's not. Your brain is doing its very best. But if you've ever heard of the guerrilla basketball study, when a group of students were told to count the number of passes that two teams made, and then after a few minutes, the researchers asked them, did you notice anything unusual about the video? And the student said, no, but we can tell you how many times they passed the ball. Turns out about halfway through the game, a woman dressed in a gorilla suit walked onto the court, waved her arms at the camera, and then walked off court again.

22:36And the reason most of the students miss this is called inattentional blindness. Our brain does its best, but it has to filter. And so sometimes it gives us a completely distorted picture of reality. So remembering that just because a thought is in your head does not mean it is accurate can help in separating from the inner critic or the imposter syndrome that you can sometimes have. Understand that it's a natural, normal part of the human experience. Some studies say up to 80 % of adults, people experience it at some point or another and really detach from it as something that, you know what, it happens to everyone.

23:12Olivia Fox Cabane: But it does seem to me, just when I think about the people that I think of as charismatic, that they tend to be much more extroverted, you know, back-slapping kind of people. That may be too broad a stroke there, but you know what I mean, that if you're an introvert, being charismatic, it seems like oil and water. So that's another myth I'm so glad you brought up. You're right that extroversion is an advantage for certain forms of charisma, but introversion is an advantage for other forms. So if you look at presence, power, and warmth, you kind of think of them like in chemistry, you need a certain amount to reach the bare minimum to get charisma.

23:55After that, what changes is the kind of charisma you get depending on which of these is highest. So for focus charisma, for example, the kind that Bill Gates or when I met Elon Musk about 10-15 years ago, he was a fairly different person, I'll admit. But at that point, he was absolutely charismatic, but in a very introverted, focused way. And what that is, is highest on presence, second on power, and third on warmth. You can still, as an introvert, have kindness charisma, the kind the dilemma has, if you lead with warmth, second with presence, and lowest on power.

24:36Olivia Fox Cabane: Charismatic people, it seems to me, have a way of speaking. There's a way of speaking that kind of draws people in. Do you agree with that? And if so, can you describe that way of speaking? It turns out that lowering the intonation, the intonation of your voice at the end of sentences, and frankly, even at sentence breaks, that is what conveys competence and authority. And the faster and deeper the drop, the more authority you convey, the more power you convey. So one of the myths that was debunked for me, I was one of the people who thought that lower voices are more charismatic, right? Wrong.

25:17When they studied Steve Jobs' voice, who apparently had one of the most charismatic voices, his voice was so high it occasionally went into the female register. but he did have that fluctuation and he did have those sentence drops, which are speaking as if it is a judge delivering a sentence. The other one, if you tend to not pause enough, interestingly, being able to pause before you speak, it doesn't have to be super long. It doesn't have to go the full Obama length, but being able to take just a moment before you speak will tend to make people pay more attention. So those are some of the quick ways to convey power.

25:59And when you say pause, you mean before you start or pause throughout? What's really interesting is if you look at high status and low status humans, the higher status ones tend to pause not just between sentences, but even in sentence breaks. Essentially, they're communicating that I am so damn confident in either who I am or what I'm saying that I am sure you will not dare interrupt me.

26:24Olivia Fox Cabane: So if someone's listening to you and thinking, yeah, well, this is great. You know, I would like to be more charismatic. There seems to be a lot to it. Where do you start? First of all, when you're in a conversation, anytime you feel that only half your mind is present and the other half is busy doing something else, immediately focus on your toes. Just for a moment. What this does is it forces your brain to scan your body from head to, of course, toes, and it gets you very physically present in the moment. Remember that charisma isn't just how you make them feel about you. It's how you make them feel about themselves.

27:02Let them impress you and they will love you for it. Stop trying to impress people. The other one that I'd say is when you want to emote warmth, the good news is it doesn't even have to be big things. Because the brain isn't great at understanding scale, That's the reason that you know how a day when all the little things go wrong can sometimes be harder than a day when one big thing goes wrong. If you can find even just three small things that you like about the other person, you have to genuinely like them. But they can be as small as, I like their shoes, or they were on time. If you can start adding up the small things, this will send your brain down an approval route.

27:44And that will come across in your body language. And the last one, and this is really one of the most important ones, is give yourself a break. Interestingly enough, the easiest way, and let me be clear and harsh, there's a reason that narcissism is positively correlated with charisma. It's because narcissists tend to be very easy on themselves. That gives them an advantage. Please don't become a narcissist. But learning how to forgive yourselves, most people are so hard on themselves. Self-forgiveness is one of the unexpected routes to charisma. Well, I find this empowering because I've always thought, and I think most people think that charismatic people just have that certain something.

28:27They're born with it. And clearly, there's a process to acquiring charisma, and anyone can do it. I've been talking with Olivia Fox-Cobain. She is one of the world's leading authorities on the science of charisma, and she's author of a best-selling book called The Charisma Myth, How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism. And there's a link to that book in the show notes. Olivia, thank you. Thanks for joining me today. Thank you so much, Mike. I really, really appreciate it. All right. Have a good one. Starting or growing your own business can be intimidating and lonely at times.

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30:41There's something about the word middle that doesn't sound very exciting. Nobody wants the middle seat on the airplane. Nobody wants to finish in the middle of the pack. Being middle of the road isn't exactly a compliment. And then there's midlife. It almost sounds like a waiting room.

31:00Olivia Fox Cabane: You're not young anymore, but you're not old either. Well, what if we've completely misunderstood midlife? What if these years are actually some of the most important and potentially rewarding of your life? Why do some people seem to thrive during midlife while others struggle? And what does the research say about making these years the best years? My guest has spent her career studying exactly that. Margie Lackman is a professor of psychology at Brandeis University, where she directs the Lifespan Lab. Her research focuses on health, cognition, and well-being during adulthood. And she's author of a book called Prime Time, A New Vision for Midlife.

31:45Hey Margie, welcome to Something You Should Know. Thank you very much, Mike. It's great to be here.

31:51Olivia Fox Cabane: So what is midlife? How do you define it? It's the years between what and what? Well, not everybody agrees on what the definition of midlife is. That's an interesting thing that I like to talk about because what midlife is makes a big difference in terms of people's lives. So I like to define it as 40 to 60, plus or minus 10. And that's because there are many people in their 30s and 60s who do consider themselves middle-aged. The way people define midlife varies. So the older you are, we find, the later you think midlife begins and ends. And I imagine there's more to the definition than just the age, just a number.

32:36I think of middle age not just in terms of chronological age. It's not just how many candles are on your birthday cake. It's also really the way that you are situated in terms of other generations. so in midlife many people are counting on you and you basically hold many different roles and responsibilities so there can be this intense feeling that everyone is counting on you so you're caring for your kids while also helping your aging parents so you're literally in the middle pulled in many directions and for me that's really the essence of midlife it's less about your chronological age and more about how you feel in your unique and challenging position between generations at home, at work, and elsewhere.

33:28Olivia Fox Cabane: Well, as I said in the beginning, you know, midlife, middle, doesn't have a real exciting feel to it. Like, you're not young anymore, so the fun is over. And now you're in this kind of no man's land of midlife that for many people just doesn't feel so exciting. Well, that's really what I think we need to do is to rebrand midlife because it really does get a bad rap. And there's so many good things going on in midlife. And one of the things I think that's unfortunate is that as people get to 40 or 50, a lot of the negative views that we have just about aging in general start to kick in. So I think a lot of the images of midlife are tied to these fears or negative views that we have of aging.

34:17And those aren't just depressing. It's actually dangerous. There's research that shows that having negative views about aging can really affect your health and even how long you live.

34:28Olivia Fox Cabane: And why is that? Why is how you think about something going to affect your health? Well, there's a lot of research now trying to understand what are the processes by why this can happen. And I have actually developed a theory called the psychosocial prescription for healthy aging. And it really focuses on why is it that your beliefs and your attitudes, your mindsets about aging actually are so strongly tied to health and longevity. So, for example, the most obvious is a behavioral explanation. So if you believe that things are going downhill and there's nothing that you can do about it, that may be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

35:11You won't really try hard. You won't engage in the kinds of behaviors that actually could be adaptive. And a second factor that we have looked at is stress. So if you feel that things are out of control, there's nothing you can do to maintain your health and well-being as you get older, that it's all downhill, that also can cause stress. And we know that stress is damaging for health through a variety of different factors. And so we need to find ways to reduce stress. And one of the ways is really to have a much more positive view of midlife, focusing on the gains rather than the losses. Well, I think part of the problem in midlife is it's kind of hard to identify how you're supposed to be.

35:57Olivia Fox Cabane: Like you're not young anymore, but you're not old anymore yet. So what does that mean? What does it mean to be in the middle? How are you supposed to act? How are you supposed to dress? How are you supposed to be? There is that sense that you're kind of lost. I think one of the most important changes that happens as you get to midlife is that the focus is no longer just on you. As you're in your 20s and 30s and starting to establish yourself, whether it's relationships or in the workforce, you can really focus on yourself. Once you get to midlife, though, there are a lot of people typically depending on you at home and at work.

36:39And so our network expands and we have to focus on many things outside of ourself. And I think that can be confusing and also stressful. And it makes people unsure of what it is that they're supposed to do. So I agree with you in that it's a kind of an unexplored territory for many people. But the fact is that you do have a lot of experience and knowledge in general when you get to midlife. And people are really good at solving problems and making decisions in midlife. So we can really use the abilities that we've acquired, the knowledge and experience that we've gained to help us to navigate this difficult period.

37:21Is it a difficult period? Is it supposed to be? Well, I think it's difficult in the sense that you are being pulled in many different directions. There's this need to balance work and family, for example, to be focusing on taking care of those who are younger and older in the workplace. And it can feel like everybody's depending on you. Everybody's counting on you. Many of us are familiar with the sandwich generation term, which addresses the fact that many people in their 40s and 50s are, in fact, caring for people who are under 18 and also their parents. And that can put a lot of demands and pressure on somebody because you're also trying to navigate your work.

38:02And what I think really takes a toll is that you are experiencing changes in your health as you enter midlife. And it's very important to be focused on maintaining health in midlife.

38:16Olivia Fox Cabane: So if you asked 100 people, finish this phrase, midlife, everybody's going to say crisis. that everybody has heard of the midlife crisis. What is that? Yeah, you hit the nail on the head. I was going to say that there's very few things that we get 90 to 100 % agreement on in our research. And one of them is if you ask people to free associate with the term midlife, everybody says crisis. And that's really unfortunate. It's just an automatic response. I don't think people really even think about what it means. I will also say another example that we get a lot of agreement on is if you ask people, and we've done this in our survey, the Midlife in the United States survey, we've asked people, if you could be any age, what age would you like to be?

39:08and 90 % of the people, and these are people even in their 30s and beyond, say that they would like to be younger than the age that they are. They give an age that is younger. And if we talk to people in their 40s, 70 % of them think that the ideal age would be in their 20s and 30s. And people in their 50s, about 70 % of those people think that their ideal age is in their 20s and 30s. So there's just this negative view of being older, I think, that gets swept up into our whole conception of midlife.

39:48Olivia Fox Cabane: But the idea of a crisis, there must be some germ of something in there. And when I think of the midlife crisis, I think of typically the dad who's been a good dad, all of a sudden goes out and buys a sports car. And that's his midlife crisis. Well, what is that? Okay, so I'm just going to say a little bit about the origin of the term midlife crisis. It started in 1965 by a psychoanalyst called Elliot Jacks. And he came up with a term to describe some of his clients who were in their 40s and 50s and were concerned that their life was over, essentially, that there was not enough time left to accomplish anything, that it was all downhill from here.

40:37And that view stuck. It got resurrected, I think, in many different ways from things like Gail Sheehy's book on passages and also Hollywood and novelists and people write about the so-called midlife crisis. And as you point out, there's a stereotypic view of the man who's unhappy and he wants to find a younger woman and he gets a red sports car. So that's what we envision as a midlife crisis. And that's certainly not what most people think about when they think about a real midlife crisis, fortunately. But people are expecting that things will be difficult in midlife. And we did a study with the Midlife in the United States survey that I mentioned earlier, where we asked people whether they had had a midlife crisis or not.

41:29And we didn't define it for them. We wanted them to define it. And so when we asked them what they thought a midlife crisis was, it really was interesting to see. And it's very consistent with what we find now. First of all, we found no more than 20 % to 25 % of people reported a midlife crisis. So that's about a quarter of people. And that's not nothing, but it's certainly not a rite of passage that many people associate with midlife. Now, when we ask them what a midlife crisis was, the most important thing I want to tell people is that a lot of times what happened and they described as a midlife crisis happened much before midlife or much after midlife.

42:11So the midlife crisis term is applied to things that don't even happen during the midlife period. And secondly, many of the things that they described as a midlife crisis were tied to things such as divorce or losing a job or having an illness that really could happen at any time. So we associate it with midlife, but it's not necessarily unique to midlife. When I think of someone suffering a midlife crisis, I think of a man, not a woman. Yes. When we looked at our data, though, there really were no differences between men and women in terms of the frequency of people who reported it. As I said, about a quarter of our sample reported a midlife crisis or that they called a midlife crisis, but there wasn't really much of a difference between men and women.

43:07Olivia Fox Cabane: this sense of dissatisfaction which i guess is what's underlying the midlife crisis that i'm not where i want to be i'm not or i'm not where i used to be or i don't like where i am and so i'm going to do something wild and crazy i have to say i don't know anybody that i've observed ever did that but maybe they did and i don't know it but it just it seems much more of a movie and a novel thing than it seems a real life thing to me. I think what does happen is when you get to a point, a change in your decade, say 40 or 50, and in this case, the middle of your life, so called middle of your life, it's not unusual.

43:53It's really a natural to look back and look ahead when you get to the midpoint of anything. So the fact that people are getting to midlife and looking back and maybe feeling that they haven't reached all of their goals. They feel that there's things that they wish they had accomplished they hadn't. That doesn't surprise me, and that can lead to people being dissatisfied because they're concerned that time is running out. This is one of the misconceptions that many people have. When you get to midlife, there's still half your life left. We assume there's half your life left, of course. We don't know how long we're going to live, But there should be plenty of time left.

44:32And I think a lot of people panic that it's too late to do anything new. It's too late to change. And that may trigger some what we call a crisis or difficult times in midlife. And I also think that we know that a lot of millennials, millennials who are just really entering midlife, and we don't know a lot about what their midlife is going to be, but many of them who are in their 30s are starting to be concerned because they really haven't met a lot of the goals that they thought they should have by now. They're taking longer to reach a lot of the milestones that typically have been met earlier in earlier generations.

45:15Olivia Fox Cabane: Yeah, well, you had said earlier at the core of this might be that, you know, people feel that they haven't achieved all their goals yet where they thought they would be right now. And who has? Do you know anybody who has said, yep, everything's right on target. I am right where I thought I would be and right where I want to be. there's no dissatisfaction here. And I don't know a single person who would say that. You're absolutely right. I completely agree with you. And I think the thing that triggers the concern is the fact that people think they're getting old. This notion of aging is what throws people off.

45:54So you get to be 40 or 50 and they feel that time is running out and there's not enough time to accomplish goals. And that's really the rebrand or the way we need to sort of change people's thinking is that you shouldn't have expected to have reached all of your goals. That would be in a way kind of boring, wouldn't it? What else would be left for you to do for the rest of your life? So, I do think that it's important for us to convey this notion that you get to midlife and you could really look back and see where you've been, what things you have not accomplished, what things you would like to accomplish in the future, and then go for it.

46:30Olivia Fox Cabane: Well, let me describe something that I've noticed, and I'm sure other people have noticed too, about older people, people in their later years. Like when my grandmother was 60 years old, she dressed like an old lady. She acted like an old lady. She was an old lady. Today, 60-year-olds don't act that way. 70-year-olds don't act that way, or many of them. They fight it. they're not willing to go down that path just yet. How does that play out in midlife? Or do midlife people, in other words, do midlife people act younger and seem younger and live younger today than they used to, just as older people seem to do it today, unlike they used to?

47:21Yes, I think you are on to something here. First, I'm going to say that when we ask people today how old they feel, in general, they feel about 20 % younger than they actually are. So if you're 40, you're likely to say you feel in your early 30s. And if you're 50, you're likely to think you are feeling like you are in your early 40s. So there's this notion that people feel younger. And part of that, I think, is just our healthy lifestyle has really changed in more recent generations. And so people are healthier. We have more ways to treat illnesses, and we're more aware of the things that we need to do that can help us to maintain our functional health and well-being.

48:06And so I think people do feel a lot younger now than they used to, in part because they are healthier. And your functional health is really what affects how you feel. If you can do the things that you want to do, then you feel young. But if you can't, then you're going to feel old. And so I think older generations really didn't do things like exercise. I don't know about your grandmother, but I wonder if she really engaged in physical activity and physical exercise. Maybe they walked more than we do today. We are much more dependent on our automobiles than we used to be. But I think a lot of what we're seeing now in terms of younger generations feeling and looking younger has to do with taking better care of ourselves.

48:56Olivia Fox Cabane: And so what is your message then? What is it you want people to understand about this? Because it is what it is. I mean, you can't not get into midlife and face the issues that midlife brings. So what do you want people to get? Well, I really think it's important that we focus more on the gains that accompany midlife than on the losses. There's no doubt that there are things that are on the decline in midlife, physical changes that happen, but many of them are things we can do something about. So yes, there are declines in your reaction time and in your bone density and in your muscle mass and so on.

49:39and in some aspects of cognitive functioning. But there are things you can do, physical activity, for example, or cognitive stimulation. So I think it's important that even though we recognize there are many losses, we try to do something to maintain functioning and minimize the losses. At the same time, we want to recognize that you're gaining in so many different ways as you enter midlife and beyond. Things like self-confidence, ability to regulate emotions, the knowledge you acquire, your ability to solve problems. All of these things are on the rise and increasing into midlife and beyond. And so I think if we focus on the things that are in our control, things that we can actually improve, then we can really do better in terms of our health and well-being.

50:33Olivia Fox Cabane: You have spent so much time studying people in their midlife. What maybe that we haven't talked about that you think is important to mention before we close things out? Unfortunately, we've been sold this narrative of midlife is a crisis. But the data that we have tell a very different story. Really, midlife is prime time. And that's a fundamental reframe that I hope many will embrace. I think of midlife as a tremendous opportunity. It's really a moment in which you can use your experience and you've honed a lot of skills for decades and there's still plenty of time. So I like to see midlife through the lens of opportunity rather than loss.

51:18And if you do that, then everything can change for the better.

51:21Olivia Fox Cabane: Well, I enjoy hearing you talk about this. Your view of midlife is very refreshing compared to what I think most people think of midlife, which is it's not an exciting time. It's kind of, you know, the fun is over. And your view is much more optimistic. I've been talking to Margie Lackman. She's a professor of psychology at Brandeis University and author of the book, Prime Time, A New Vision of Midlife. There's a link to her book in the show notes. Great, Margie. Good discussion. Thank you. Thank you so much. It's just really enjoyable.

51:59Have you ever searched for something, like your glasses, and you look everywhere, only to discover they were right there? They were on the table the whole time. Well, that's not absent-mindedness. Psychologists call it inattentional blindness. Your brain doesn't record everything your eyes see. It filters out most of what it sees so you can focus on what's important. The downside is that when you're looking for something specific, you can literally overlook an object that's sitting in plain sight because your brain has decided it doesn't match the picture that it's expecting. One trick that actually works is to stop looking from where you're standing.

52:44Move to another spot or crouch down. Changing your viewpoint changes what your brain notices. And that is something you should know. If you would like to support this podcast, I would suggest, and I know a lot of people do this to help us out, is to just share it. Tell someone you know about it, share the link off the player you're listening to this on, and help us grow our audience. That is the very best thing you can do. I'm Mike Carruthers. Thanks for listening today to Something You Should Know. Fall has never looked or tasted this good. Sweetgreen's fall harvest menu is back with seasonal favorites dressed to impress and made to be devoured.

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