Clicks, Confessions and Cathedrals of the Nose

0:00This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. Pop quiz. What's in your kids' lunchbox? At Whole Foods Market, they've already done the studying. Over 300 food ingredients are banned from their shelves. No hydronated fats in the peanut butter and no high fructose corn syrup in the cookies. And for sandwiches, there are no synthetic nitrates or nitrites in any of their deli meat. So you can pack lunchboxes with peace of mind. Get back to school ready at Whole Foods Market. Hello, Tailenders. G-Force Greg James here. The episode will start shortly, but I've just nipped out of the breakfast show because more important things are happening.

0:43Stephen Fleming's been announced as head coach of the England men's test team, and Joe Root is back as captain. We discussed that in this episode, but obviously we recorded it before the news came out, which is annoying. But we'll be back with another Tailenders next week to discuss all that stuff. But enjoy this episode, and we don't want you to think that we're behind the times, although I guess we technically... Anyway, go well! Hello and welcome to Tailenders! Hi and thank you for having us on Tailenders, your loosely cricket-based podcast. That's the voice of Felix White. This is the voice of G-Force Craig James.

1:18Izzy Wong is there. Hello! Hello! And Matching Tendulkar! Hello! Hello, big guns. And he's back, which means your emails are finally getting read again. it's the producer of the podcast sharky sharknado shaman sharky i'm faded up yes you're faded up i'm not even unhappy to say that just delighted to see you hello lovely to be back lovely to see you for having a thank you for being back lovely to have there you are back i'd like to get a full debrief of the sharknado adventure that's what i want later we have sorry i mean in lots of ways that's what I'm most excited about hearing but actually as a loosely cricket based podcast we should talk about some cricket and I would like to talk about the England test captain and coach open up that discussion I want to talk to Izzy about her performance in the 100 and also some controversy around the wicket that I filmed through the television legal proceedings but but mainly the only cricket story that anyone is talking to me and i'm sure all of you about is the man playing for the second 11 clicking his fingers to uh try and cheat a wicket in a game in uh the north yorkshire and south durham cricket league which which is this story has got too big and i sort of didn't want to talk about it but you sort of have to talk about it because it's a cricket it's a cricket phenomenon isn't it matching i know you're obsessed with this as well have you fully absorbed all the discourse because i can't move for it i yeah i have been following it i messaged sharky a few days ago and said look there's this little thing that's been happening i don't think anyone else has picked up on it but there's this little there's this there's some clicking and i think i could do a whole segment on it really and then in the next three days it's got seven million views every cricket podcast every cricket commentator i think aggers was on bbc breakfast this morning talking about it mate i got asked to go on bbc breakfast news for it as well did you greg someone text me yes sir like they asked you first then aggers fantastic um for those for those who don't know just a quick rundown of the story so this match between saltburn and norton is under a global spotlight viral video appears to show a saltburn fielder clicking his fingers as the ball passes, Noman Shabir's bat, before being caught by the wicketkeeper, Josh Bowes.

4:14Saltburn then appeal, the umpire gives Shabir out, and it's been suggested that the finger clicking was designed to trick the umpire into thinking that the batter edged the ball. Saltburn won by 159 runs, their top of division two by 18 points. I can't believe, it's always the way with things like this this is not the real evil in the world and yet it is so black and white that everyone's like well i know that i can definitely be right about this and so everyone then goes well i'm definitely right about this and this is actually the problem of the entire world now i don't know what you all think i'd love to get your take on it obviously if that's true the guy at slip is a pillock okay and the cheating is like that's just rubbish but here's my big big problem and i think we've touched on this before this is one of the reasons i don't want to play village cricket and it's not because i want to cheat it's because stop filming it it's supposed to be that village cricket is supposed to be an escape from everything digital everything screens everything i don't want to walk out playing for elzenham and the wicket keeper's got a gopro on his head yeah i'm not i don't want that because it's feeling quite well isn't it it's really quite well what so it's like sky quality but like but me batting and yeah that's not fair because i'm and i'm gonna drop a catch and that's gone viral it goes by and it's like it's just this this should be a thing that in your local area all the villagers are like oh that wanker from Saltburn he clicks his fingers and that's it it's in the pub but and also how annoying is it going to be this weekend because every single game in every single village up and down the country all you're going to be hearing is like when Stuart Broad flipped the bales then everyone's flipping the bales oh it's going to be worse than that it's going to be just everyone thinking they're hilarious oh the internet's around the world you're going to be able to walk around hearing this and it'll be annoying shut up wherever all the grasshoppers come from yeah we've ruined everything as a society is everything is ruined that's that's what i i i just turned my phone on this morning first video steve harmison getting really cross about it yeah i saw that yeah you've won the ashes mate don't worry about it you don't need to you don't need to get cross about some some some insult burn clicking his fingers don't worry about it why you why is that why is agony on bbc breakfast why are they asking fee harmson was talking about that batters works a 40 hour week just to enjoy his cricket

7:05and he's getting fake nicked off um like no idea if he's worked 40 hours or not couldn't work no hours that week oh god and i mean that's why i didn't want to talk about it because now we're talking about it and then that's exactly what i thought i was bored about I was bored of it the minute I saw it. And the minute I saw it taking off, I'm just so bored of it already. I am sorry for bringing that up, but also it just made, it reminded me why I'm sort of reluctant sometimes to go and play cricket. Interesting. Yeah. I just don't want it. I don't want any, I don't want it filmed. No, but that is good though.

7:42I want it to be peaceful. Without the filming, it's a good story. It's funny. I think that's quite, it's quite a funny thing in the clubhouse. And they go, oh my God, that guy, that's the team of that guy. If this was the early noughties, it would be that, wouldn't it? How about this one though, Greg? Aga's saying that if the umpire's heard that, then the umpire should be detecting, his real job should be detecting intergalactic sounds, not spilling.

8:13It's just like, okay. Dolphin spotting. Yeah, yeah. I think that's it. And thanks for calling in. Yeah. maybe that's why I like it so much is because it is a great it's another brilliant example of everyone losing their heads did you see that in the Daily Mail sort of ringing up his work and door stopping his mum and stuff it's just oh my god can you imagine the course they are because he's a criminal yeah okay he's public enemy and I'm one isn't he because he's a criminal he's nasty there because he's a cricket criminal now it is quite interesting because like in football matching you can tell us better because you're the you're the guy who plays sort of like club grassroots football but there's that level of cheating is going on every 30 seconds yeah am i right in saying that all the time but i think it's the it's how planned it was i think in football it's a bit more you kind of live it in the second we had we had a cup final a couple years ago where our striker bit the goalkeeper on a corner because it was coming in and so the keeper then floundered and we knocked it in and we won in the last minute of this cup final and that was dirty behaviour.

9:19But he didn't plan it. He just kind of lived in the moment. He wasn't, you know. Yeah, Suarez. Yeah, he Suarez. I didn't realise you played, yeah. I didn't realise you played football. I thought it was really Suarez. Yeah. Go on, Sharky. What are you suggesting that a wicketkeeper could bite a batter on the shoulder? A wet willy at a short leg. Have I faded up? Yes, you've faded up. I have never bitten a batter. Thank you. Although, I just want to say for the benefit of the tape, and then a bit of batter a bit of batter a bit of batter a bit of batter for the benefit of the tape you've got a bit of batter or two sorry Sharky great song for a great musical best musical ever you've got a bit of batter or two you've got a bit of batter or two you've got a bit of batter or two oh maybe we could do some Oliver Cricket combination anyway for the benefit of the tape I'd just like to point out that the it's still alleged all this the guy has not the investigation I was watertight with that But I was bored.

10:17I just wanted to make that point. I said accused. I have enjoyed him being called Clicky Ponting because that feels like a sort of descendant of the garden furniture shout outs. It feels like the next step. Clicky Ponting. It's nice. It's nice. It's nicely done. It is nice. But it does work. But I'd argue Ricky Ponting is way more famous for fielding at Point or Gully. Not anymore. If we've been honest. If we've been honest, he's much more of a Point or a... Yeah, but I think we... I did see one video of the guy clapping at Short Silly Bidoff. The same guy, I think. Clappy ponting. He was sort of, yeah.

10:55Sharky, have you experienced at your level of cricket anything that equates to cricket, clappy ponting? Nothing that's equated to that. The big thing which I've mentioned before in village cricket, which, you know, bear in mind what we're talking about, it's slightly ironic, which really, really gets my go, is people who nick off and don't walk. So obviously when you are doing village cricket, it's the batting team's teammates are umpiring. And, you know, sometimes you can't hear and sometimes, you know, difficult decision. But when they nick off and it's so obvious they've nicked off and they're not given by their mates out and they don't walk off, that really...

11:37And I think I've mentioned before, I had an incident three or four years ago where the ball came down, it was wide, it was going miles wide it would have been called a wide the guy's launched at it I'm close up he's nicked off I've caught it the guy's scoring our scorer's heard it it was that loud yeah it was a click and he didn't walk so I turned around I turned around to the umpire I said well if he hasn't hit it it's a wide so it's got to be something he's either out or it's a wide and he went no it's nothing I said well that doesn't make any sense it literally doesn't make any sense it's nothing you're nothing and I did I won't lie I wasn't very I wasn't particularly proud of myself off that day.

12:13I saw my arse big time. Did you? And yeah, I was a bit of a knob, I won't lie. But this guy went off and scored like 80 odd and won the game. So I was f***ing assuming to be quite fair. It's a good job that the umpire didn't have a GoPro on because he could have filmed your argument and you could have been cricket criminal number one. I would have been cricket criminal. You got the Daily Mail around your house. But all cricketers do, but all cricketers nick off and don't walk, they're shalkey. No, I think in village cricket, no, no, I disagree. I think in village cricket, people are pretty honest if they nick off they go yeah what if they click off well I'll find out on Sunday because as Izzy said everyone will be clicking their fingers won't they except you've got gloves on you're catching you're implicated in this if the captain came up to you and said I'm going to click off here and you're going to catch it and you must shark it you must appeal what would you say morally I think there's a flaw in that particular scenario is the bit you're going to catch it

13:14that's the floor in this particular scenario no no my captain wouldn't do that he's a he's an honourable fella do you think it's been going on for years with other clubs but no one's ever caught it on camera the clicking yeah and this is just a big expose and this is going to be the hey match interesting good point this clicking's bigger than all of us yeah it's like match fixing it runs deep this is a six part netflix series net clicks oh my god oh my well i yeah good luck everyone this weekend stay safe up there you're so right is he that is going to be hell this weekend that is going to be the socials this weekend the banter levels batten down the hatches for a weekend of banter yeah well yeah i don't know what happens let's just see what happens when the police get involved.

14:11I think it'll end up with the guy being on Celebrity Big Brother at Christmas. Yeah, he'll be in the jungle. He'll finish and he'll be eating a kangaroo testicle on LA in December. He just needs to get himself an agent and he could absolutely milk this. Why are you clicking now, mate? Not getting any wickets?

14:34What a nightmare we've created. it's lovely to be part of the nightmare. Okay. Matching, did you have a... Should we do the quiz now? We could do a quiz now. I want to hear about Sharky's holiday. Or is it a good link? I've got a quiz. Matching's got a quiz, I think, about village cricket. Oh, okay. I see, I see. At the end, what do you want to do? No, great. Let's do it. Come on, let's do a quiz. Let's front load it. Okay. This has never happened before. um prime time okay what are you doing a quiz on tailenders welcome on the music oh no no wait oh yeah go on then welcome to father son and the holy spirit of cricket nice thank you for having me thank you for having me on father son and holy spirit of cricket for this format so the undertaker coming out sister wong will we play the role of the metaphorical priest in the cricketing confessional box this nice i have uh messaged friends this is already my favorite thing you've ever done keep going i've uh i've messaged friends in local village village teams around the southwest and i found one example on reddit of times players have pushed the boundary to the spirit of cricket it it's up to sister wong to decide whether she thinks she you can be absolved of your sins and hand out a suitable punishment okay i'm going to text you so you can all join in yeah i've texted you an example each are you texting okay and then uh you can read that out and see if what sister wong believes what sorry so sister wong is just saying what's the pun like she's a judge really more than a confessional you're going into the confessional box in the church she's a sort of a judge and a nun at the same time okay Felix you want to enter the confessional box yeah is it me or is it Lee from Bristol you're speaking on behalf of Lee from Bristol okay I've never been in confessional box before what do I say when I go in sister Wong forgive me sister forgive me sister for I have clicked forgive me sister Wong for I have clicked this is this this is Felix White from the Maccabees and Ted Enders but for now I've I've been I'm summoned with the voice of Lee from Bristol and you must do the voice yeah what but it's like it's like um Damien from it's like Red Rum our match was cold off because of rain

17:18I've been summoned by the devil Rather than accept the weekend off I agreed to play for a team in a lower division Under a different name I scored a century and helped them win the match Have I sinned, sister?

17:34Red rum, red rum

17:40So were they, was Lee is lee the the real name or is lee the assumed name lee's the real okay please speak to him as if he is lee i'm okay lee's inside my body in my system like and lee has lee has missed a game or lee did lee have a bye lee it was

18:04should we say it again is he or do we say it in my normal voice maybe normal voice yeah just a match was called off because of rain rather than accept the weekend off i agreed to play a team in a lower division under a different name i scored a century and helped them win the match have I sinned sister

18:29have I done Wong I think you've done I think you've done Wong yeah the different name if you can't do it under your own name you know you're doing wrong you should know better punishment how could we repent that one how could we repent that one what could you do oh my god an advert started wait I need to sorry I need to start I need to reset the video maybe as punishment next time Lee goes out and bats for a real team they might have to play and miss and then walk having not nicked but they've used yeah they've used a different name I think that's a different name is it's not good should we call the Daily Mail get him around the mum's house confessional booth I'm afraid your punishment is the Daily Mail are at your door so I don't get I don't get Lee's not getting his sins absolved.

19:19He's just walking out knowing his sins. Greg, could you give us a confession, please?

19:28From Bristol? Bristol District. Oh, all from Bristol. Always the same. Bristol's poor place for creepy behaviour. Have you been door stopping people to ask for these in person? He works for Daily Mail now. They're all in Bristol. Forgive me, Sister Wong, for I have sinned. I play in the Bristol and District League. Our ground has a very short boundary lined with thick hedgerows and balls are regularly hit into the bushes. Whenever we bowled second for three consecutive seasons, we secretly hid older cricket balls in the hedgerow before the match. Oh my God. When a ball disappeared into the bushes, we would search for it before discreetly swapping it for our preferred ball, which suited our bowlers far better.

20:19Sister Wong, this was not an isolated incident. Please have mercy on our souls. Oh, that is... Sister Wong. What do you think? Balls in the bushes. I think that's way worse than the clicking. Outrageous. I cannot condone it in the name of the church. The church does not condone these actions. But I think, you know, there's always room for forgiveness and there's always room to sort of better yourself. There's ways back. Is that really cheating? You're still using a ball though, aren't you? Just a different ball. I think it'd be worse if it was a brand new one as opposed to an old one. Yeah, that's so true.

21:06I don't know why they've suddenly bottled it. Why would you put a new one in there? Why have they bottled the moralistic thing of that? it's quite a sweet um it's very optimistic isn't it because the probably i'm no offense intended but the reason the ball is such an issue at a high level is because they're operating at a high level and it's sort of marginal gains yeah yeah let's be honest village cricket level you might as well be playing with a wind ball it doesn't really matter you're still going to be as you with a duke that's swinging. Do you know what I mean? It's such a great point. It's such a great point.

21:42It's kind of sweet. Even if you're playing first class village cricket, they can still throw down. That's what I mean. I'm not being disparaging about leagues and all that because there's some really, there's some good quality cricket. But if you're getting away with searching in hedgerows. If you're getting away with it, you can't be playing. Because the umpire would check the ball every wicket and he'd be like, sorry what the f*** is this old sponge this one's orange it's a pink ball yeah this one's got moss on it what's happening are they dotted around it's like easter eggs in like an easter egg hunt are they all over there and then loads of balls just dotted around okay sweet it's really only at test level where it's a real thing because even in the hundred they're a bit like oh I don't know the balls I think it's gone into someone's garden it's on a barbecue so i had no pick one of these yeah um anyway oh yeah i've got a feed you i've got i've sent you another one okay this is one i found online okay it's in the guardian forgive me sister wong for i have sinned open door closed door our league has a has a rule 7a which states that a player must have appeared in at least five league matches to be eligible for the closing weeks of a season and the knockout competitions.

23:03To make our strongest players eligible, I hastily organised four matches in a single day. 10am, 1pm, 3.30pm and 6pm over the final two Saturdays before the deadline. Miraculously, everyone got the required appearances. Forgive me, Sister Wong, for have I sinned? I think that's fine. Really? That's a lot of effort. to play that amount of games. It is a lot of effort. If you can be bothered to waste two weekends of your life playing back-to-back games of cricket, I think you should deserve to play the next one. I kind of agree with that. I think if you put that much effort into wanting it that much...

23:51If you want it that badly, I think you can have it. Yeah, exactly. You might not find the satisfaction you're looking for when you get there, because that suggests some darker things at play at home. If you'd like to enter the confession box with Sister Wong or Reverend Anderson. Reverend Anderson. Reverend Anderson. Do send them in to tailenders at bbc.co.uk and you can join us for confession. Thank you for having us. Start your message with, in the subject header, put have I done Wong? Have I done Wong is really good. Okay. Have I done one? Yeah. Let's fade the music down. Have I done one? Forgive me, sister.

24:34The music was quite nice. I quite liked the music. I was really enjoying that. It's a nice level. Yeah, it's a nice level. I imagine people are going to sleep to that when they fall asleep to tailenders. That would be a good one. We're only 20 minutes in. I hope not. Oh, I was going to ask about that. Do you know when... Can I check with people if this has ever happened to them? What is? When they're... If they ever fall asleep with tailenders on... do they ever dream that they're in the room with us talking? Because I've started getting that when I listen to podcasts, and then I'm in there with the people, and then they won't let me get any word in.

25:08Like Esther Perel. But they won't let me talk in the dream, because obviously they just keep chatting. So if there's any cellenders that have fallen asleep, listening to cellenders, and in the dream are in with us, please get in touch. You now have an opportunity to speak. Yeah. Sharknade of the movie Am I faded up? Yes you faded up And you're in someone's dreams now Well dream related So last night Or before I went to bed I set my alarm And then I went to sleep And then I dreamt That my alarm had got off But it had gone off During Test Match Special And Mountie Adam Mountford The producer Turned around and gave me A right bollocking That why was my alarm Going off during Test Match Special He was right to do that He was it's a weird dream weird dream and then I realised it was a dream and I didn't actually have to get up which was quite good okay has he ever that's a work anxiety dream it is do you think he's ever dreamt of you well we should ask him almost certainly not let's text him now and ask if he's ever dreamt of you shall I text Mountie now and say for the benefit of the have you ever no no not benefit of just I'm going to ask him now yeah go on go on ask him text him I used to share a room with Sam from the Maccabees and he used to talk in his sleep and he used to say in his sleep no no no man you got you got to keep looking at the kick drum watch the kick drum he'd be having conversations what was he dreaming about then about the river of sex yeah lock in with the kick drum man I've messaged him have you ever dreamt about Sharky and can we get a new contract

26:45are we going to are we going to dodge the 10 % BBC cuts two questions firstly while I've got you have i still got a job it's the second question should i call spotify

27:06maybe maybe you should call geos a geostar oh right while we wait okay while we're waiting for the response from the boss of test match but well the boss of bbc cricket isn't he Okay. I might be in some legal hot water. Okay. I was very excitedly watching The 100 the other day. Izzy Wong was opening the bowling. Yeah. She was, well, not that you really open the bowling in The 100, it's sort of, you know. Yeah, it's a weird system, isn't it? Yeah. You were ready for your set. And first ball. Bang. Got a wicket. Top of off. Bang. Amazing. and I was filming you from my telly because I was excited to see you.

27:49Oh, I hate you when they do that on Village Cricket. Well, well, I would say that it was being broadcast by Sky Sports. Yeah, fair enough. Yeah, okay. And Izzy is a professional cricketer. So, I was doing everything I hate which is filming everything. No, sorry. No, that's why I said we're all part of the nightmare. We're to blame in many ways. And I put it up. I was like, Izzy, yeah, first ball, tell Enders. Put it up on Instagram. Left it all day. Thought no more about it. Just wanted to support, you know, friend of ours, friend of the pod. And then Sharky gets an email. Sharky. Am I faded up?

28:32Yes, you're faded up and you're looking fantastic. And we missed you. Thank you. Shall I read said email, please? Yes, please. So this is from Instagram. Headline, your content was removed from Instagram. Instagram. Good luck. Hi. Nice friendly opening. Hi. Hi, Sean. It's a movie. It said we suspended your account because we received a notice from a third party that infringes the copyright. Oh, someone's been. Then it lists basically what the, what the title of the video was, the time it was uploaded, et cetera, et cetera. And the complainant of the rights was GI star India. So, uh, who I believe are a broadcaster who have a, yeah.

29:13Yeah. That's so, we are. Yeah, the equivalent of Sky in India. The plot thickens. So those matches, for anybody who hasn't tuned into the 100, you can watch all the games in the women's 100 definitely live on Sky Sports Cricket YouTube. So that match is available wherever you are in the world on YouTube. Yeah. So we've been told off for spreading the word of a competition that desperately needs eyeballs. and also I think if you take the wicket you should therefore have at least 50 % rights of the action. At least 50 % yeah. Do you know what I mean? If you're responsible for the eyeballs. Well I'm sorry for trying to spread the word of a joyful moment from a competition that the viewership and the tickets sales are dwindling and I will learn from my mistake and just just not talk about it ever again.

30:10Sorry for offending you with our friendship. So you get your wish. Yeah. Adam Mountford has replied. Go on. Hi, Greg. Interesting question. I don't think so, to be totally honest. I said, no worries. He dreamt that his morning alarm went off during Test Match Special and you bollocked him. Ask him now whether we're getting a second series. No, I can't. Just slide in with that.

30:39have you guys seen you know the guy who plays for the birmingham phoenix the guy who was the really stoppy action is it all right yeah yeah he's on the ball through and seeing it live is the most ridiculous ridiculous ridiculous thing i've ever seen to film it i film with my phone i was gonna turn my laptop around there for the benefit let's see what is he training and what yeah he's like training okay but you can see him can we see him when it settles. It's very bright is he. It's very bright. Is he just presented. Is that Edgebaston? No, this is the Aegeus ball. Can you see him bowling there?

31:17Oh, wait, wait. Can you zoom in a bit? I'll get it on my phone. I'll walk closer to it. Natural zoom. Okay, he's not all he gets. I'll just wait. I'll get it and I'll send it to you because it's ridiculous. Yeah, you almost completely stops doesn't he yeah he completely stops and then i don't know how he does it yeah it's like like penalty say like modern penalty takers it's like a penenka yeah exactly yeah okay he's now letting other people go just just crack on i'll just get it keep building it keep building it pop quiz what's in your kid's lunchbox at whole foods market they've already done the studying Over 300 food ingredients are banned from their shelves.

32:04No hydronated fats in the peanut butter and no high fructose corn syrup in the cookies. And for sandwiches, there are no synthetic nitrates or nitrites in any of their deli meat. So you can pack lunch boxes with peace of mind. Get back to school ready at Whole Foods Market.

32:23Shall we talk a little bit about the England men's cricket team? Yeah, go on then. Got any gas in the tank for that? Yeah, definitely. No appointments as yet. But obviously McCollum's gone. He went on the 12th of July. Stokes retired on the 28th of June. We're not far away from the test series against Pakistan now. It's in August. The rumour, the talk has been of Joe Root becoming captain again. Marcus Treskothic coaching in a temporary role for the rest of the summer and possibly beyond. That's massive for Matching's area. that's huge yeah big for the west country and i mean i don't hate that bit of it no don't hate that at all love that one of one of my favorite ever cricketers i i don't know i actually don't know what i think about the joe root situation i'd like to hear from joe root please yeah that would be great to hear from joe about it see it's really interesting isn't it because his his record is not great as a captain but he was doing it under covid with a probably were difficult team to captain at that time.

33:31And Joe is obviously, we all love Joe of all of our hearts, but he has, his form has significantly improved again when he hasn't been captain of England. In some ways I kind of like it because I like the idea of Joe Root becoming England captain again, righting some wrongs and winning the ashes. I kind of like that idea. I feel like that's quite a wholesome story. It's a great narrative arc. But it does also seem weird that someone who's had a very long crack at being England captain hasn't got a particularly good record is being given the job again during a period of time in which no leaders group.