Dr. Judith Joseph | Overcome Your Hidden Depression and Reclaim Your Joy

25:47But over time, many of us, especially those of us who are high functioning, we chase things that look good on the outside, but they don't necessarily make us feel full and fed spiritually, right? We feel empty and we just keep searching for more. You know, that idea of happiness, the goalpost keeps moving. So tap into things every day, if you can, that bring you true purpose and meaning. And I included a list of values here because sometimes, in my practice, people have forgotten what values they had because over time things happen and you forget what gives you that sense of fullness and being fed.

26:23So there's a list of values in there. and you'll notice that there's a rock on your chair. And the reason that we put the rock there is because having symbolic things in mental health like rocks and pictures are really important in terms of symbolism, right? So being able to hold onto something that gives you purpose and meaning physically is a reminder for you. So I want you to look at that list of values and write one of those values on your rock, because we're going to ask you to do something later. And then the next V is vitals. So this is the mind-body connection, why it's so important to take care of your body because you only get one, right?

27:16There's only one of you. So I'm going to ask you to do something right here to demonstrate that. Okay. So the mind-body connection usually is shown through breathing, but I'm going to ask you to do several things to demonstrate the mind-body connection. All right. So if you could just put your foot, plant them squarely on the floor, put your hands onto your lap, and then close your eyes. And then what I want you to do is try to pay attention to the neck muscles. And just as some of us have tense muscles, you can relax your muscles. So really pay attention to those neck muscles, those shoulder muscles, and relax them.

27:59And then envision a really peaceful place, a really peaceful place where you felt at ease, where you were just in awe. And I want you to slowly take a deep breath in through your nose and more slowly out of your mouth. We're going to do this two more times, so be very intentional about taking a deep breath in through your nose and then through your mouth even more slowly. So in and then out.

28:32And then again, in and then out. Keep your eyes closed and just imagine that peaceful place. and I want you to tell yourself, you don't have to say it verbally, I am worthy of joy. And now open your eyes. Okay, great. Now, that was maybe a couple of seconds, but what that demonstrated was how powerful the mind-body connection is. Like, just for a couple of seconds, you were transported to another place, and you felt relaxed. And that's something all of us can do. Try telling your heart to stop beating. It's impossible. Try telling your brain to stop thinking. It is virtually impossible, right?

29:26But we were built with the capacity to tell our lungs to be able to hold our breath. Why? Well, one of them as a survival tool because if we're plunged into water, we have to survive. Or if there are like noxious chemicals, we don't want to breathe them in. But the other thing is because it's a natural way for us to soothe. So it calms our fight or flight. Now, I know many of you are relaxed now, so I'm going to wake you up. I want you to, has anyone in here watched Wicked? Wicked? Okay, good. So the witch and wicked, right? I cannot, never pronounce her name. Alphalba, right? Cynthia Erivo. Yeah, there we go.

30:09All right, so you know how she cackles? I want you to, on the count of three, I want you to let out your largest cackle, okay? One, two, three. Wait, they know which isn't here. I'm going to do that again. One, two, three.

30:29Very good. All right. Now, I see somebody laughing back there. You crack it up. All right. So then let's try it out with, let's pretend it's Christmas and let's do our best Santa. OK. So put your hand on your belly. And then I want you to do a one, two, three. Oh, one more.

30:52Good. and then we'll do one more type okay we'll do a silly giggle okay so then hold your hands over your hand like this my face okay now I want you to turn to your side and start giggling okay so like how did you feel I want somebody to vent how did that feel? Fun, silly. Another one? Good, right? It's fun. Right. But I was also like, what are the people thinking that are walking by? Maybe giggle more. So yeah. So curious, right? And so it's important to know that things that we do with our bodies can literally change our mood within seconds. Again, we're built with the DNA for joy. And that's why people can laugh, giggle.

31:44And there are many types of laughters. I bet many of you never even thought about that. There are so many different types of laughters because it is a way to express emotions. And it's a way to use your body to get rid of some of the tension that we feel. And it's silly. We don't even take the time to be silly and playful. And then other important parts of vitals are things like what we eat. And I talk about nutrition a lot because there's a whole field of nutritional psychiatry where the things that we eat that we put into our bodies can decrease the inflammation. So that can actually make us feel happier and allow our brains to release more chemicals that keep us less stressed.

32:20Things like certain movements. I'm from the Caribbean. So if you're not into exercising, things like dancing can be very helpful. So in the Caribbean, we have carnival in Trinidad once a And we do this thing called whining where we move our bodies like this. And I used to always wonder, like, why does that feel so good? It's because when we do that side-to-side movement, our right brain is talking to our left brain. And that type of bilateral stimulation actually feels healing. So you can do whatever feels authentic to you. I see somebody whining there. You know, movement really helps. That's why, again, you know, sometimes when we're at our desks, it's really difficult to move.

33:00and I'll show you how you can do that once we walk over to the workstation. But getting that movement in is a natural way to release joy. Other things we don't think about in terms of our vital signs is our relationship with technology. And we need technology to work. We need it for our jobs. But there are certain things that we can do to decrease the tension when we're using technology. Like there's a term called the autoscopic phenomenon where in mental health with certain conditions, And people have a lot of stress when they see their faces because many times people who have psychotic symptoms like hallucinations, they'll see themselves across the room and they'll get really, really anxious.

33:38But what we do when we're seeing ourselves all the time is we're making ourselves anxious because we weren't made to look at ourselves all the time. Like if I saw my face next to you right now, I'd be like looking at whether or not my eyebrows were on right, like my hair was going okay, right? You look great. Thanks. But when we see ourselves too much, it can actually cause stress for us unnecessarily. So being mindful of how technology impacts us and using tech wisely because we need it, but we can also have a more healthy relationship with our technology. And things like people, I put that in vitals because many times when we go to our doctor's offices, they're not asking us about our relationships.

34:15They're not saying, oh, like, so how are your relationships? Are you with someone toxic right now? Like, they don't have time for that. It's like 15 minutes, right? in and out. But the science is showing us that the quality of our relationships are really important for long-term health. And other things in there in the vital section to support our body are in that vitals. And then the last thing, my favorite, is vision. How do you plan joy? For us busy folks, if we don't plan it, it's not going to happen. If it's not on our Google calendar, it's not happening. Yep. Life dictated by Google Calendar.

34:45Right. So plan your joy, you know and it doesn't have to be something grand it could be celebrating a win like after this talk telling yourself I am so grateful to myself for taking the time I didn't have to be here I could have stayed at my desk and continued doing some more projects but I took time out of my busy day to be curious about the science of my happiness to invest in my joy right celebrating the small wins one small win that I do every day is when I get my daughter to school on time I will sit in my living room and I will have my fancy Caribbean coffee. It's like this rum flavored.

35:23It has no rum in it, but it is rum flavor. It takes me back to the islands and I just sit and I'm like, oh, I got her to school on time. I did a good job. She didn't walk up looking like who shot John. Like her hair was combed. Her homework was done. Everything was great. And I celebrate that every day. But for your win, it could be something else. It could be a win that, you know, you didn't get frustrated at someone who really always presses your buttons. You decided to let them, as my friend Mel Robbins would say, right? You walked away and you were like, all right, I'm good. You know, I'm going to focus on things that I can control.

35:53So, you know, celebrate those small wins because you are precious. And when you celebrate your wins first and you don't look for that external validation, it just buoys your confidence. It shows you that you are enough, you know, but definitely plan joy. If it's not in my calendar, it won't happen. So I'll literally sit with my clients and then have them plan joy in front of me. And those are the five E's. They're evidence-based. I don't recommend doing all of them at once. I would say pick one or two to tap into. And the idea is that you're getting a point or two of joy today, right? So if you didn't get any today, you can get a point tomorrow.

36:31It's within reach. It's doable versus I just want to be happy, which is holding your breath for the one event to happen that may never happen. And even if it does happen, you may still not be happy. So what I'm hearing is we should all have impromptu dance parties, first of all, throughout the day at work. I have to put that on the Google calendar and invite everybody here. But two, I do want to touch on something that Dr. Judith said, which is I do want to take three seconds and have you all celebrate yourselves for taking time out to take care of your mental health to come here for the talk.

37:03So celebrate yourself for five seconds. I will allow it. Come on. Yes. You're all so wonderful. You're so good. Look at you. You're one step closer. OK, so, Dr. Judith, I've heard you mention a term that said pathologically productive. What do you mean by that term of being pathologically productive? Well, you know, that mask of pathological productivity is one that we get rewarded for. If we are busy and we're missing out on joy, you know, a lot of times we'll get we'll get that pat on the back and that raise. but we still feel empty. So I want people to realize that, again, one of the points of joy that we leave on the table is being able to be calm and self-soothe and not be anxious.

37:49And what happens is that because we're outrunning something that's not resolved, we're just busying ourselves to feel full, but it's never enough. You know, that second project, that third project, these things that happen, it's never enough. And it may feel very uncomfortable to sit still, but it is an important step. If you're not able to sit still and to ground yourself, then it's really hard to access joy. It's really hard to be joyful when you're stressed, when you're constantly moving, right? We don't even think about that. And one of the tools in my book, and I hope you utilize it, is a grounding technique called the 5-4-3-2-1 method.

38:29And it allows you to really focus on one thing. And I'll demonstrate it over there in that area, But it's so powerful, again, just how we were able to sit and focus on our breath and stay still and present. And it didn't really take that much effort. That 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 allows you to just sit still no matter what's going on in the world. And it's important. Joy is a resistance. People used to say, oh, if you talk about joy when there's all this conflict, isn't that toxic positivity? And I said, mm-mm. I have traveled to over 30 countries. And I'm telling you, people who are going through it, they can still access joy.

39:08There's a reason we have dopamine in our brains. It is a survival tool. It is a form of resistance. Do people have questions for Dr. Judith before we get started? So if you do have a question, you can come up to the mic on either side and ask a question to her. I do want to, you know, make you aware, please don't. Again, she's not your doctor. She's not a psychiatrist that can diagnose you unless you pay her or become part of her, one of her clients. So please keep your personal information personal, but please, you know, get up and ask questions. Hi. Hi, doctor. Thank you so much for your time and your wonderful energy.

39:45I definitely am high functioning, you know, in everything. So I'm wondering, how do we ground ourselves or how do we reparent ourselves, talk to ourselves when we know that that to-do list is there and it'll just feel so much better to take care of the to-do list as opposed to taking a moment and grounding? And maybe a second part of that question is, which is something I struggle with, I'm sure a lot of us do, how do we communicate to the people around us that despite the fact that we are high functioning and strong, we also need to be checked in on? And I find that to be incredibly difficult.

40:22And my friends that are similar find it to be incredibly difficult. So how do we ask for that? That's a really good question. I think that, first of all, you know, it's really difficult to set boundaries. when you feel guilty, which is a very common feeling when you're used to being a people pleaser. I am guilty of it myself, no pun intended. But I think understanding that you're going to have to pass through that discomfort and be able to sit with it is okay. Two things can be true. You can radically accept that I'm going to need to set these boundaries and I'm also going to feel bad about it.

41:04I think that that's the thing that people forget or they don't even know. Because when you see these memes like, I need to protect my peace, it's like, well, yeah, but protecting your peace doesn't feel great. You need it to feel unhappy and uncomfortable before it starts feeling good. But it does eventually feel good. You just have to be able to sit with it. And that tool that I was talking about, I'm just going to demonstrate it for you now because whenever I have a hard decision to make and I'm feeling guilty about it, I will sit with this feeling and I'll just practice this grounding tool.

41:39And I usually use a beverage, but water doesn't really have a lot of fragrances, but we're going to do it with the water. So I'll sit and if I'm feeling restless about a decision, I'll just focus on this one thing and I'll ground myself. and many times when you're setting boundaries, you feel that fight or flight because it's a defense, you're revved up because it's a defense mechanism because you feel so bad about it, but you'll be able to get through it and it takes time, but you can retrain your brain. And I'll look at that water and I'll list five things I can see. So I'm going to describe it.

42:11I see the flickering of the light. I see the movement of the water. I see my nails. I see the glass and I see the reflection of the red pant. Four things I can feel. I feel the cool temperature I feel the hardness. I feel my hands. I feel the firm ground under me. Three things I can hear. There's a loud air conditioning. If I swish around the water, I can hear that. I hear my breathing. Two things I can smell. I smell my fragrance. The water is minerally. And one thing I can taste. And if you're doing this type of grounding tool, you're not thinking about disappointing someone. You're staying present.

42:53You're showing yourself that you can actually train your brain to stay focused on one thing, even though there's conflict around you. So grounding yourself before a difficult conversation and after a difficult conversation can be very powerful because you're showing yourself that you can regulate these emotions to face these very difficult situations. And over time as you do this, it won't happen immediately. Over time, you start to feel more comfortable setting these boundaries. You're welcome. Thank you. So we're going to take one more here and then I forgot there's online questions and then I'll jump over there.

43:34So go ahead. Yes. Thank you, Dr. Duth. Your research is really, truly fascinating. I was wondering if you can articulate some more context behind this diamond diagram around high functioning values. It seems to to go against a ladder. So I was wondering if you can shed some light on that. I'm so glad you're reading the lab manual.

43:59So when I was looking at this diagram, I was thinking of the hierarchy of needs and how we all have our basic needs that need to be met. And I thought, well, how come no one teaches us about values? And what I found is that I've been practicing for many years in Manhattan, and I see people who are very, very, very wealthy versus people who are extreme, people who have a lot of poverty, have nothing. So I see this like huge range of folks. And it doesn't matter where you're from in life. There are superficial things that people chase, no matter who you are, you know. So when you look at this, it's almost like an opposite.

44:36If you think about the horizon, it's like a direct reflection. I thought about things in terms of lower level values versus higher level values. So think about transcendence versus being somewhat primitive. And again, it doesn't matter how rich you are, some people, they just want to be superior. And I find that across any demographic. Now, on your last days on this life, you're not going to be like, I wish I had one more person to boss around. No one will say that. Right? But so many of us chase that power. Why? It's coming from some unresolved issue in us, you know? And it doesn't matter where you are in the world.

45:18Something called the ego is talked about everywhere. We used to think that things like narcissism were like Western constructs. But if you go to see gurus in India, you'll see them talking about things like the ego and how to let go of the ego. They're talking about narcissism, right? So mental health is everywhere. We just call it something else. And when you're looking at things that make you feel, I say spiritually full and fed, but if you don't believe in the spiritual world, just feeling as if you're grounded in purpose and meaning, superiority is not going to be one of those things. And so these are the lower level values that we chase.

45:57They have the price tags versus priceless, the things that will give us meaning and purpose, the things where in our last bits of life we're going to be like, I wish I was able to help more people, or I wish I was able to spend more time with my family, or on causes that I believed in, you know, or things like nature. And so I want you to think about those when you write on your rocks, because I'll have my clients keep those rocks with them in their purses or at their desk. So when they're feeling lost or empty, like this is what I need to hold on to. This is this thing at the end of the day that I'm going to care about the most in life.

46:30Thank you. You're welcome. Great question. Thank you. Okay, so online we have a question. It says, hi, Dr. Judith, big fan here. Thanks for joining us. What are your top two to three tips for managing workplace stress for high functioning individuals? Sorry in advance if that's setting you up for book spoilers. Oh, thank you. Wow. Person's here. What I would say is that, you know, anhedonia is contagious. Right. So if someone in your work environment is not joyful, it spreads just like how joy is contagious. If someone in your work environment is joyful, it spreads. People are going to be like, wow, I wonder what they're eating.

47:13What are they doing? So if you know that there are, again, people have the ability to either add to your joy or pull away from your joy. So understand the science of your happiness. That's where the biopsychosocial comes into play. In your social environment, if there are people who are not joyful and they tend to drag you down, you can't cut them off because you work with them, but you may have to limit your exposure to them. And you don't have to be rude about it. You could say, oh, I have to step away for a bit. I'll have to come back to whatever we were discussing. And these are all useful ways of just limiting exposure to people.

47:54But people tend to be the number one issues in the workplace that bring about a lack of joy. The other thing is managing stress in the workplace is holistic. So if you're at a desk, you know how I said the 5-4-3-2-1 method? The part about what you're feeling is so important. We don't even think about our work environments as being a potential place that could soothe us. So at my desk and with my clients, what I'll say is make sure you're mindful about the chairs that you're using, the desk that you're using. make sure it's comfy because your body is a living, breathing mechanism. So have a soft place where you're sitting.

48:33If you're very temperature dependent, make sure it's cool. Think about all the ways you can soothe your senses. If you're in a loud environment, you may want to put on a noise machine. If you find that having aromas helped you put those in the environment to soothe you. And things such as, and I'll demonstrate it, plants, having plants, even if they're fake, it does something for our brains. Like having that access to nature is really helpful. Transitional objects like that rock or photos are what we use in mental health to help people feel grounded in purpose and meaning. So there are ways that you can set up your environment so that it's an ecosystem that curates and cultivates joy, right?

49:16And then the third thing is those physiological tactics that I taught you, how to tap into what your body already has to help you regulate your stress. Okay. So actually, I'm going to pause here because we actually have a demo that Dr. Judith has to do. So I wanted to give her a chance to do that while everybody's still here before they have to rush off and, you know, hopefully set joy later in your calendar. But yes, so I know she has a demo over here. I don't know anything about it. So I'm going to let her explain what's happening. Yes. So I like to have a little bit of science in my demonstrations because I find that some people are different learners and they need to have imagery to solidify concepts.

49:56So first, I'm going to make you a visiting professor of the Happiness Lab. Yes, I have a PhD in happiness. Here is your white coat ceremony. Thank you. Professor Lana. Yes, congratulate me. I am now a professor and a Googler. My mom's so proud. So what I'm going to ask you to do, Professor Lana, is to read those stones out loud and show the audience what they say. Let's see if I can read. OK, this one says gratitude. And you can go ahead and put that into that beaker. The big one? Is there a toxic chemical? It's water. This one says family. This one is faith. Oh, my gosh. It's OK. Messing up. Don't fire me.

50:44And this one says joy. Yeah. So thank you for doing that. And what happens is that right now we can see the words clearly. We have a good vision of the things that give us meaning and purpose. But when we lose sight of the values that are important and we've chased the superficial values, what happens is that over time, it just becomes really difficult to see the things that keep us grounded in purpose. I'm going to add some more. And if we don't practice things that root us in meaning and purpose, it becomes really hard to see those words, right? Can't see them anymore. But if you start practicing the 5 Vs over time, and I'm going to let that simmer,

51:41you should start to be able to see them clearing up. Now, as we let that simmer, I'm going to go over the workstation. I always have a picture of my daughter in my wallet, so I had to slap that on there. But in mental health, we use transitional objects when people have to leave their loved ones because they have to enter the hospital for physical health reasons or even mental health reasons. Transitional objects give people hope. Again, back to that list of values, things that keep you rooted in meaning and purpose. So having pictures of your loved ones are so important. You know, we tend to keep them on our phones, but having a physical picture can be very, very powerful as a reminder.

52:23Plants are really useful. Even if you don't have a lot of sunlight, fake plants are really helpful. So being surrounded by nature gives you a sense of awe because when we are in nature, we realize how beautiful this world is and how significant we are to even exist. And one of the things that I like to use is a planner for planning joy. So this says Monday through Sunday, so I'll write something that I'm looking forward to just as a visual reminder and also keeps us away from tech so much. And Professor Lana, can you see the words now? Yes, I can. Do you see what that one says? Gratitude, family, joy.

53:07This one's being stubborn. And wonderful items as well. These are waterproof sticky notes. So like sometimes I'll put them in the shower just like plan joy, right? We need these tactile reminders because if we leave it up to our devices all the time, sometimes we get distracted. Like it's hard to find the joy between the board meeting and the other to-dos. And everyone can use this at a workstation. I wanted to make sure to show a workstation. One thing that I use at my desk is a standing desk so that I'm moving and that I'm not just being sedentary. Even small movements add up to releasing natural joy chemicals in our brain.

53:49Thank you. No, I thought you were going to say these were waterproof so you could cry. But yes. So thank you so much, Dr. Judith, for joining us. Thank you all. Give yourself a round of applause. Give Dr. Judith a round of applause. Thank you. And I hope you have a good rest of your mental health awareness month. And choose joy like Dr. Judith said. There's only one of you.

54:15Thanks for listening. You can watch this episode and tons of other great content at youtube.com slash talks at Google. Talk soon.