TAM+ EP 112 Breaking Down Walls: The Healing Power of Self-Disclosure in Recovery

0:00All right, everybody, I want to tell you about today's sponsor, Wired for Addiction, and honestly, I am so excited about this partnership. You might remember Dr. Evelyn Higgins from when she came on the show to talk about the biomarkers of addiction. That episode landed in such a powerful way for so many of you, and I really believe in the work she's doing. Here's the thing, if you or someone you love has been caught in chronic relapse, addiction switching, or treatment that only works for a while, the issue may not be behavioral. It may be biological, and that changes everything. Dr. Higgins and her team actually measure the underlying biomarkers driving these patterns, dopamine, cortisol, inflammation, mitochondrial function, and then build a personalized plan to bring your biology back into balance.

0:52She put together a free guide for you, the Biology of Addiction 10 Core Biomarkers, downloaded at theaddictedmind.com forward slash wired. That's theaddictedmind.com forward slash wired. There'll also be a link in the show notes. And I want you to know, you are not broken. Sometimes your biology just needs to be understood, and I think that brings a lot of hope. All right, on to this episode. Welcome to the Addicted Mind Plus, the podcast where recovery, mental health, and wellness take the front seat. I'm Dwayne Osterlund, and joining me is my co-host, Eric Osterlund, known for his insightful work on the Stuck Brain podcast.

1:32In each episode, we'll dive into actionable small steps to help those in recovery journey further along the path to wellness. Our conversations are designed to be concise, typically around 15 minutes, though we may occasionally delve deeper when the topic demands it. Our goal to provide you with practical advice grounded in real experiences and expert insights to empower your recovery journey. So whether you're on a break, on a walk, or just taking a moment for yourself, join us as we explore the many facets of recovery and mental health one small step at a time. This is The Addicted Mind Plus, where your journey to wellness gets an extra boost.

2:11So let's get started. Hello, everyone. Welcome to another episode of The Addicted Mind Plus. My name is Dwayne Osterland, and I'm here with my co-host, Eric Osterland. I'm glad to be here today. Glad to have you here. And we have a wonderful topic for you today. We're going to dive into the topic that is really at the heart of meaningful recovery. That's the power of self-disclosure and authentic connection. It really is a centerpiece of recovery because recovery is really about connection. Yeah, we say that quite a bit on this podcast is that we don't go through recovery alone. We are meant to live a life together with others.

2:59We are social animals and part of recovery is learning how to build relationships that make us grow. Absolutely, Eric. One of the things that I see over and over again in recovery is that often people are keeping a part of themselves from the world. Maybe they're keeping a secret that they feel ashamed about. And they're so afraid that someone might find out this part of themselves that they hold it inside of themselves. They never share themselves authentically. They are worried that someone's going to respond to that with judgment. They're always worried about being found out. They're always hiding a part of themselves.

3:40So they never can really have true connection. But often what they find is that they find relief in finally sharing that part of themselves with someone who can understand and accept them, who gets their situation. This is really the transformative power of self-disclosure and recovery. We share our stories. Even the dark parts, we're afraid of thinking, if anybody knew this about me, I'm going to be completely rejected, denied, left, abandoned. And so this is what we're really going to talk about today. It's the power of self-disclosure in building authentic connections. Which is so important for recovery and life in general.

4:23Yeah, it is. And you know, one of the most isolating aspects of addiction is the wall that we tend to build around ourselves. We tend to build this wall to make us feel safe. We shut everybody out. We think we're protecting ourselves, but we're really not. Yeah, we're really isolating ourselves, right? We're going to hide all of our struggles, our shames, our fears, thinking we're going to protect ourselves from any kind of hurt, but we end up just being more isolated. And often in addiction, yeah, it's that wall, and we don't let anybody in. So one of my favorite pioneers in the realm of psychotherapy is a person called Carl Rogers, and he was a humanist psychotherapist.

5:09And one of his tenets of psychotherapy was unconditional positive regard. What he suggested is that loneliness can be alleviated when one feels understood, accepted, and cared about. That's that unconditional positive regard. And here's the crucial insight that he shared when we really think about this and why this is so important for recovery. How can another person truly understand us if we refrain from sharing who we truly are? If we refrain from sharing what we truly feel? How can we feel fully accepted if we pretend we make no mistakes? How can others take care of us if we are too afraid to share our needs?

5:58Yeah, and the truth is to build a positive relationship and recovery, we have to allow others to look at what we perceive as our shadow side, our dark side. These parts of ourselves, we tend to hide out of fear or being judged or perceived as weak or incapable. And I agree with you, Dwayne. Rogers understood something profound. This shadow side is everything but exceptional. Failure, doubts, regrets, and insecurities are part of everybody's life. Whether you're in recovery or not, it's part of being human. And I think that's what Carl Rogers really understood. And that's why he said unconditional positive regard is so important in healing.

6:48We can be understood. We can be seen. We can heal that loneliness when we get that. But to be understood, we have to be willing to be seen. To be accepted, we have to show our authentic selves. That means we have to show these parts of ourselves that we have kept hidden or we've kept secret. To be cared for, we have to share our needs with somebody else. And, you know, that sounds really simple, but I think this is often one of the most challenging aspects of recovery. Creating these authentic relationships by sharing who we are with another human being and taking the risk to do that. Now, I also have to say an important part here.

7:33We have to realize that not everybody deserves our self-disclosure. We have to be discerning about that, about who gets our story and who doesn't. But in my years of working in recovery communities and recovery groups and doing this work, I've seen it over and over again of how self-disclosure creates this ripple effect of healing through a community. When one person takes the risk to share themselves authentically, it encourages everybody in a community to share themselves. And it creates this authentic connection. And it moves around that barrier that we've built in our addiction. And it really helps you be seen.

8:23It helps you be understood. It helps everybody and it uplifts everybody in a community when you can share yourselves authentically. Yeah, which makes sense. In order to feel cared for, we have to show that part of us needs to be cared for. And what I see happen is people break through that loneliness, they realize they're not alone. They realize our common humanity and they feel bonded and connected with each other. Sometimes that's all we need to heal ourselves. We just need this part of ourselves to be seen and accepted. A part maybe that we've rejected from ourselves, that shadow side, we realize everybody has aspects of that and we're not alone in it.

9:16And that in itself can be incredibly healing. But like we were talking earlier, Eric, we can keep ourselves so isolated in that shame of addiction. We can build up those walls around us and we don't let anybody in to see that. So we don't have that opportunity for healing. And so I really think there's some steps you can take in order to do that. Yeah, absolutely. There are some ways we can foster the ability to be a little bit vulnerable, to let people in and take down some of those walls so we can connect and build these relationships. So first off, figuring out what type of information you are comfortable with sharing.

10:00Some information we're really comfortable with sharing and then some were not. So make a list of things that I feel comfortable with sharing. So some ideas might be daily challenges in recovery. That might be something I'm very comfortable sharing. Other things that I might not be comfortable sharing are my setbacks or my struggles with recovery. So make a list and see what works for you. Yeah. And some of these can also be on the positive side. I know a lot of people don't want to share their personal victories or the progress they're making. They can be really uncomfortable sharing that. So there's a lot of reasons why we might not share something or not feel comfortable about it.

10:42But it's important to assess that and be able to look at that. And then I think the next part, Eric, is, as I was saying earlier, identifying safe people. Not everybody gets to have our story. Some people are not safe and we need to be discerning around that. So you can start to list the people you trust in your recovery journey. Sometimes that might be a coach, a therapist, a 12-step group, a smart recovery group, or a good friend. Think about it. How can I be more open in these areas that I haven't been? And what's the place to do that as well? Identify those safe people in your life that you can share and you can broaden that.

11:32I would definitely suggest jumping into a group or something like that. And I'd also just say, that's why we created the Addicted Mind Plus community to create a safe place for you to do this stuff, to be able to talk about what's going on and your challenges. I think that's really important to be able to do. Yeah. And ask yourself, why do I trust this person? Sometimes that is a good question to ask yourself about that person. And then the third step, we've said this before, start small. Small things that you do feel comfortable sharing with others or things that make you slightly uncomfortable, but aren't going to make the wheels fall off the cart.

12:17Just enough uncomfortableness that you can handle it. So start small. So the next part of this is to ask yourself, what are the parts that I'm afraid to talk about with others? Sometimes we call this the shadow side, but what are the parts of myself that I maybe want to let other people know that I trust so I can expand on my self-disclosure and build authentic relationships? What are you most afraid others will think about you? What aspects of your recovery do you find the hardest to share? These are the questions you can ask yourself. What would it feel like to be accepted despite these fears?

13:02Really start to explore that. What am I afraid of sharing with others so that I can have a little more self-disclosure and build those authentic relationships? Yeah. And remember, everybody has a shadow side. We all have parts of us that we're afraid to share to others. So you're not alone in that part of it. Absolutely. And then you can look at that material and you can maybe create what we call a ladder of self-disclosure. So that might be from the easiest thing to share. Maybe it's a little uncomfortable, but you could share, you could take a risk to the most challenging to share. And once again, going back to sharing that information with people that we trust, if it's really, really challenging, you might want to have a professional on your side when you're sharing some of these things.

13:54If it's really, really challenging to do, get a professional, a therapist, or a coach who can help you walk through that piece. Absolutely. And then lastly, journal. Journal is a great way. Put pen to paper, as we said before. And there are several prompts that can help you with this journaling. When I think about being vulnerable with others, I feel blank. One thing I wish others knew about my recovery is blank. The support I need most right now is blank. I find it easy to open up when blank. I find it hardest to open up when blank. These are some prompts you can use for journaling to help bring up some of the things that are hard to share.

14:39Absolutely. And then create that plan for self-disclosure. Who are you going to share this with? When? How do you start the conversation? help yourself do this work because self-disclosure and authenticity go hand in hand and reflect on that. Reflect on what that was like. So maybe you take that easiest challenge and you try it and you see how it is. Take a chance in that self-disclosure to see how it goes. But once again, I want to make a really important point here. If something seems really challenging to share and you're not sure about it, always talk to a professional. Get a professional therapist who can help you walk through that if something is really challenging to you.

15:28And maybe just start with the easy parts first as you work through this. I can tell you over and over again, what I find in all of my groups is when people start to share themselves in a group with other people, with other like-minded people, they all heal together. that's the power of all of these support groups of all of these recovery communities is the ability to share ourselves with other human beings who understand this is such a crucial aspect of the recovery journey you don't do this on your own you don't do this alone if you're getting a lot out of the addicted mind podcast rate us in whatever podcast app you're using right now even better, write us a review.

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16:52For more information about this episode and additional resources, please visit our website at theaddictedmind.com forward slash plus. And if there's a topic you're eager to hear about or a question you'd like us to explore, we'd love to hear from you. Reach out to us at theaddictedmind.com and let us know your thoughts. Your journey is important and we're here to support you every step of the way. Until next time, take care and keep stepping forward on your path to wellness.