TAM+ EP 113 The 4 Essential Boundaries That Will Transform Your Recovery Journey

0:00All right, everybody, I want to tell you about today's sponsor, Wired for Addiction, and honestly, I am so excited about this partnership. You might remember Dr. Evelyn Higgins from when she came on the show to talk about the biomarkers of addiction. That episode landed in such a powerful way for so many of you, and I really believe in the work she's doing. Here's the thing, if you or someone you love has been caught in chronic relapse, addiction switching, or treatment that only works for a while, the issue may not be behavioral. It may be biological, and that changes everything. Dr. Higgins and her team actually measure the underlying biomarkers driving these patterns, dopamine, cortisol, inflammation, mitochondrial function, and then build a personalized plan to bring your biology back into balance.

0:52She put together a free guide for you, the Biology of Addiction 10 Core Biomarkers, downloaded at theaddictedmind.com forward slash wired. That's theaddictedmind.com forward slash wired. There'll also be a link in the show notes. And I want you to know, you are not broken. Sometimes your biology just needs to be understood, and I think that brings a lot of hope. All right, on to this episode. Welcome to the Addicted Mind Plus, the podcast where recovery, mental health, and wellness take the front seat. I'm Dwayne Osterlund, and joining me is my co-host, Eric Osterlund, known for his insightful work on the Stuck Brain podcast.

1:32In each episode, we'll dive into actionable small steps to help those in recovery journey further along the path to wellness. Our conversations are designed to be concise, typically around 15 minutes, though we may occasionally delve deeper when the topic demands it. Our goal to provide you with practical advice grounded in real experiences and expert insights to empower your recovery journey. So whether you're on a break, on a walk, or just taking a moment for yourself, join us as we explore the many facets of recovery and mental health one small step at a time. This is The Addicted Mind Plus, where your journey to wellness gets an extra boost.

2:11So let's get started. Hello, everyone. Welcome to another episode of The Addicted Mind Plus. We've got a great topic today. We're going to talk about four different types of boundaries important in your recovery. Have you ever felt yourself drowning in everyone else's needs? Why your own recovery takes a backseat? I have found clients feeling like they have to say yes to everything. They have to say yes to every friend in crisis or every work commitment until they realize that they have to learn to say no. Because it's fundamental to their recovery. It is foundational in their new recovery life to be able to set good boundaries.

2:58Otherwise, you're not going to take care of yourself and you're not going to take care of your recovery. Yeah, this is so important, Dwayne. I'm excited to dig in to today's episode and go through these different types of boundaries because they're just so important and they really, really are fundamental to having that solid recovery foundation without a doubt. Yeah, me too. I'm excited about that. So let's dive into it. Let's talk about these different types of boundaries. Yeah, definitely. I think so many times people can feel just completely overwhelmed, stretched thin, and then they feel guilty actually about setting these boundaries and saying, I need to put a boundary around this.

3:40I need to be able to say no to this. And, you know, without knowing what your boundaries are, it becomes hard to set them. So we're going to break them down a little bit here into the four main types of boundaries I see important for recovery. Now, we're not going to go into every type of boundary on this episode, but these areas of boundaries in recovery are really important. So let's jump into that. Yeah. And the truth is setting boundaries isn't selfish. A lot of people are like, I shouldn't set boundaries because I feel selfish. And that's just not true. Setting boundaries, as we talked about in previous episodes, can really help relationships flourish.

4:22Yeah, absolutely. When you maintain clear boundaries, you have a much higher chance of maintaining your long-term sobriety. This isn't just about saying no. It's really about creating that protective space where your healing can flourish. And you have to think about that. You're protecting that space. Yeah, and most people don't realize there are different types of boundaries. So that's what we're going to go through today. The first one is physical boundaries. So what does that look like, Duane? So physical boundaries safeguard your personal space and your body. They encompass your right to privacy or whether you want to be touched by someone or not.

5:04But they also include fulfilling some of your physical needs like eating or resting. When you set these boundaries, you inform other people of acceptable behaviors within your personal space. And that includes that physical contact and how close they get to you. It's also about your living space, too. So an example might be, I don't have alcohol in my home. Don't bring it into my home. That's a physical boundary. Or another example might be clear rules about I'm not going to such and such's house because I used to abuse substances there and it's too triggering. So there's a boundary. I'm not going to go there.

5:48Or to certain bars or events, that's setting a physical boundary. I'm not going there. Yeah. And sometimes it's about the proximity of how close you get to people. Sometimes there are people in your life that you don't feel comfortable around and you have to have a physical boundary. That physical boundary can be all the way you don't have any contact with a person to certain levels of contact. You get to set those physical boundaries because it's about protecting that personal space around you. So it's that physicality, thinking about it in that way. Now the next boundary, I bet most people haven't realized.

6:34It's called setting emotional boundaries. What does that look like, Dwayne? Well, this one I think is a little bit harder and a little more difficult. It's about protecting your right to have your own feelings and thoughts and not necessarily have them criticized or invalidated. But the confusing part here that I find people struggle with is understanding where your feelings begin and end and where someone else's feelings begin and end. But emotional boundaries are really, really crucial because they protect your feelings and thoughts. And they protect you from being responsible for other people's feelings and thoughts.

7:16Oftentimes when we don't have emotional boundaries, we get engulfed by someone else's emotional experience. And we feel like we have to take care of them. And we don't say no to that. That's their emotional experience. We often take emotional responsibility for something we don't have control of. And having emotional boundaries, it really actually fosters emotional safety and encourages respect for each other's emotions and feelings without getting overwhelmed by them, without taking them on. So you need to be able to set those emotional boundaries in your life. Otherwise, you're going to get engulfed by that and take responsibility for other people's emotions that aren't yours.

8:03Yeah. Which it's hard enough in recovery dealing with our own emotions. So an example might look like, I don't feel comfortable discussing this topic. Right? If there's a topic that you don't want to discuss, it's okay to set a boundary around that. Yeah. And being able to say, I can see that you feel that way about it. I don't feel that way about it. That's my boundary. And I can sometimes do that internally or externally as well. I can express it or I can just have that boundary internally for myself. Understanding like, oh, I don't have to take responsibility for this person's choice or this person's feelings.

8:43That's their feelings. Yeah. And another example is I feel embarrassed and powerless when you criticize me in front of our kids. Can you stop doing that? That's setting a boundary around your emotional space. Absolutely. And it's so important too. So the next one is setting your intellectual boundaries, your beliefs, your thoughts, and protecting them. Knowing that they're yours, you have the right to have them without other people criticizing them or dismissing them so that you can express them. Now, this isn't about closing off to new ideas. It's about recognizing these are my thoughts around this.

9:26These are what I think is going on. And being able to have healthy, respectful debates and conversations without feeling obligated to change your mind because it doesn't feel comfortable. So I'm just going to agree with you about this because I don't want to say no because I don't want to feel bad. but being able to have your thoughts about it and say, no, I don't agree with that. Yeah. So an example might be stepping away from a conversation that it's just become too disrespectful or avoiding people who consistently dismiss your ideas. That might be a way to protect your intellectual boundaries.

10:06Yeah. You want to be around people that are willing to hear your ideas and your thoughts and also give you feedback in a way that is not dismissing or demeaning so that your thoughts and the ways you think about the problems that you face or others face are treated with respect. And I think when we do that and we have those intellectual boundaries, that's the best place for us to be able to grow because we can get feedback. Maybe our idea or I thought isn't the best, but when we're treated with respect and kindness, we're allowed to express those ideas and explore them openly and think about them.

10:51And people can respect that thought process. That's where we actually have really good healing. When you're in a community of people that can do that, that can listen and respect those intellectual boundaries, that we all have ideas and thoughts and we can process them and look at them openly and they can be respected. Even if later we decide to change our mind or we get new information and we change it. That's okay too to change your mind, but having the ability to set boundaries around it is important, especially in recovery. Let's look at the last one is time boundaries. Now, most people don't realize you can set a boundary around time.

11:33How much time am I going to spend with a person? How often am I going to reply to their emails? You know, how much time do I spend talking to them, setting time boundaries around a situation that can help? I think this one is another one that you can really struggle with. When I look at time boundaries, I have to remind myself that we have a limited amount of time. We have 24 hours in this day and we need to decide decide where we spend that time. And if someone is taking that time from us and we don't want to give it to them, we have to be able to say, no, I'm not available then. I'm not available between this time and that time.

12:20Or I don't answer emails between this or that time. Or at work, being able to set boundaries around that it's so important and sometimes these have to be non-negotiable recovery commitments like this is the time I spend in the morning to take care of myself or this is the time I go to the gym to get my exercise and if you're intruding on that time I have a boundary there. Unfortunately, I can see that maybe you're hurting or maybe you're having an issue or you want this thing right now. I can't meet you at that time. And so it's really, really important to be able to set those time boundaries in your life.

13:09If you map out your time and you create boundaries around your time, you can accomplish so many things if you don't let others or other things intrude into those time boundaries. But I often find this is the first thing that slips for most people. They just give up their time and they don't structure it. Having structured time allows you to really accomplish a lot in your life and in your recovery. You can schedule the things that prioritize your well-being and your life. It's really important to have these boundaries set up. So the next part I want to talk about, some practical steps in implementing these four domains that we talked about of boundaries.

13:56We know that there are more domains of boundaries. These are just four basic ones that you need for your recovery. Things for you to think about when you're trying to build the recovery you want. So what I love about this is most people don't realize that there are simple ways to set boundaries regarding what we just talked about. So knowing that there's a physical boundary that I can set. I can protect my emotions through emotional boundary setting. I can also protect my thoughts and ideas by setting intellectual boundaries. And then lastly, realizing that I can set some time boundaries. Once you realize this, it's a very powerful tool to be able to figure out how to set boundaries with others.

14:44Absolutely. I think the hardest part of setting boundaries is at first getting clear about what your boundaries are. Sometimes we don't even realize we're crossing our own boundaries. We don't even realize we need boundaries. So this is a simple way to start to do that. And so to make that easy for you, we've created a little worksheet that you can go through to help you write out these four different types of boundaries, look at it, and maybe just ask yourself, in this domain, where do I need to set some boundaries? How would it help me if I set these boundaries? What would I get out of it? And that's a simple way to start.

15:25Because oftentimes we feel overwhelmed, overworked, exhausted, tired, because we don't set these boundaries for ourselves and our recovery. And your recovery is the most important thing here. So setting boundaries is going to lead to a strong recovery for yourself. So check it out. You can download the worksheet at the addictedmind.com forward slash plus, or just go to the show notes and whatever podcast app you're using right now. Click the link to download it. Yeah. If you're getting a lot out of this episode, you think someone else would get a lot out of this episode, maybe share it with them or leave us a review in whatever podcast app you're using right now.

16:09We read them. We really appreciate it. They mean a lot to us. So thank you all who have taken the time to do that. that's awesome. We read them all. We love them all. It's super helpful. Thank you so much. All right, everyone. Have a wonderful rest of your day and we'll talk to you on the next episode. See you on the next episode. Thank you for tuning into The Addicted Mind Plus. We hope today's episode has brought you valuable insights and a small step to support your journey in recovery, mental health, and wellness. For more information about this episode and additional resources, please visit our website at theaddictedmind.com forward slash plus.

16:46And if there's a topic you're eager to hear about or a question you'd like us to explore, we'd love to hear from you. Reach out to us at theaddictedmind.com and let us know your thoughts. Your journey is important and we're here to support you every step of the way. Until next time, take care and keep stepping forward on your path to wellness.