#89 - Steven Stigliano - Author, Business Leader & Father

34:00And I think empathy is the furthest thing from weakness. I think it is a very empowering way of leading.

34:12Gian Carlo:I want to shift into a little bit more of personal side and like fatherhood aspect. Because from when I can sort of remember anything in my childhood, maybe two, I don't know, three, four, five, six, I don't even know how, whatever year old to now, I've seen many different stages of you personally, career, location, whatever the case may be. A ton of different stages I've seen from you. And even though most of those moments probably didn't have many very like conscious teaching moments, if you can reflect where there, is there anything that you were trying to model for us, meaning Gianna and I, in those moments that you felt could leave a positive impact on us?

35:14I'm not so sure I was doing it consciously. I think in some cases I was. um but i i think that showing your children and the people around you that growth is a part of life right and if we if we simply just stay stuck in whatever it is we're doing whether it's a mental stock a spiritual stock a career stock a marriage stuck um that and i'm going to go back to something i said a little bit earlier we get stuck in that comfortable discomfort and i think what i've always tried to model um and like you said earlier Here I am at 63 years old, having just written my first book. I was 62 when I wrote it, just to be clear.

36:19That it's so important, right, to just keep taking steps forward, right?

36:31I've seen so many people get so excited about retiring, just as an example, right? And at 62, 63, 65, they retire. And at 67, they drop dead on a golf course. Right? I always want to have purpose in my life. I never want to retire. I never want to just sit. And here comes the next one. This is my dog now. That's Milo. There's a lot of sounds coming at us. But I never, ever want to retire. I don't want to stop. I always want to keep growing. And if you and Gianna got that from me, or internalized that from me in some way, that there's always the next. What is coming next? And be able to step into that with heart, with bravery, that would be a lesson that if on my, when I take my last breath, if you said to me, dad, that's what I got from you, I could die a very, very happy man.

37:50I really could because life is too short and there's so much of it around us that we can enjoy. There's so much of it. And And even in the hardest moments, let's be clear about that. Life is not always just happiness and butterflies and, you know, flowers. You know, sometimes it's really hard, but there's something to gain from every single one of those.

38:15Gian Carlo:I think that's a very poignant topic for me right now is finding joy in moments that I feel an overwhelming amount of stress in, whether that is coming from my career maybe not being what I hope it is work not coming in the way that I want worry about finances future whatever the case may be if I'm in that state of sort of fight or flight I tend to sort of put blinders on and that's all I focus on and that I notice negatively impacts who I am to people around me. And I struggle with finding that peace and joy in those moments. It's hard to get out of it. I think first the word is focus. I think it's intention on where your focus is.

39:15100%. There's not a question about that. Um, so one of the things that I do every single morning, um, the second I open my eyes, now this is me. Um, I give thanks to God for another day. I give him thanks for breath in my lungs and strength in my legs. Because if I have those things and I can wake up with a grateful heart, it changes my whole perspective for the day. Right. Right. And it's not always easy. Don't get me wrong. I still have, I still struggle with some things at times and I focus on some of the negatives. But I think we need to, in those moments, we need to take a step back from that negative focus that we're on and just look around for a moment, right?

40:17I have two amazing children. I have two amazing stepchildren. I have a six-year-old grandson. I have a beautiful home. My bills are paid. I have a wonderful Bible study that I teach. I have so many good things in my life, but I can, just like you, I can very easily get focused on one or two negatives and it blocks out the 10 or 12 other positives or whatever the number is that are in my life. And it really comes down to perspective, right? Are those things that you're focusing on, are they truly affecting you in a negative way or are you allowing them to affect you in a negative way? If you change the perspective on them for a second and say, okay, these are things that I want to change, right?

41:26Maybe the focus needs to be on the how, not why is this happening, but how can I make it change? But when you come at everything from the perspective of gratitude, I have the ability to make this change. I do wake up every morning. I'm healthy. I'm young. I have a good mind. I'm strong. I can make this change. I can't allow the circumstance to dictate my mindset. I have to change my mindset to be able to change the circumstance. And I think if you come at it from a perspective of gratitude for what you do have, first and foremost and start your day with that, right? You know, you, you, you really start to reform your neural pathways.

42:28Um, you, you, and the mind really does work that way. You can repath your, your, your neural pathways from a negative to a positive, but it's intention. You have to do it with intention every single day.

42:44Gian Carlo:And it's really the way I try to start my day every single day. I think part of the problem for me is that I am working on improving the separation between who I am and who I sort of identify in the workplace a little bit. And if I'm not doing that thing, I feel like my self-worth has decreased because that thing that I'm known for, the thing that I put so much weight into, if I'm not doing it, then what am I? So I think working on that separation has, you know, I am working on that separation, but I think that is another part of it too, is figuring out how, I don't know if it is 100 % separation or if it's wherever, I don't know how to figure that out.

43:37Gian Carlo:I really don't. I think, you know, I sort of know your audience to an extent. And for some people, conversations of faith are uncomfortable. For others, right, it's intriguing because they're in a similar space. And for others, it's comforting because they are people of faith and they believe. And I'm going to speak to that, what you just said. from a perspective of faith, being a believer. And we went to church this morning, right? And so at the end of the day, what was the pastor talking about at one point today? You know, we place our worth in what we do, right? And what we accomplish. And if that gets taken away or it starts to minimize or it gets slow, our worth diminishes in our own mind because we're basing who we are and what our worth is on what we do.

44:48But the truth of the matter is, is that our worth is based on who God says we are. and so and and god tells us you were worth so much to me that i gave my only son to give you the freedom to be who it is that i've called you to be and so again i think it's a perspective change. I think it's a heart change. I think it's a spiritual way of manifesting who you truly are. You are not just a filmmaker. You're not just a cinematographer, right? You're a son, you're a brother, you're a husband, you're a friend, you're so much more than just the one thing that you're focusing on because it's slow right now, right?

45:54And anybody who's listening now, whether you're a person of faith or not a person of faith, If the only thing that you ever base your worth on is your money, your things, your stuff, your house, your cars, or what you do for a living, Lord help you. If any one of those things, if the Jenga piece from the Jenga puzzle gets pulled out and the whole thing collapses around you, you're so much more than what you believe. And that's the best way I can answer that.

46:33Gian Carlo:yeah i think uh deciding to get into this topic um i think is shifting my mind a little bit over the past two weeks now um part of the surprise of coming down here was also to tell you that you are going to be a grandfather which is crazy there it is right there yep um yeah angelica and I found out that we are going to have a child. Yeah. Which is pretty insane. So yeah, I think over the, since I found out, my whole mind and thought process about everything that I thought I knew has been flipped upside down. Even just now, nothing has started yet. Oh yes, it has. Yeah, for sure. Oh yes, it has.

47:28Gian Carlo:but it's just, I don't even know. It's just, it's taking on a whole new life form inside of my mind as I sit here now. And, um, I don't know. What do you, what do you, you got anything for me? Yeah. And I've said this to you, um, just so your, your audience and people listening know, So not only did Carlo and Angelica surprise me from my birthday and surprise me, like seriously surprised me because I had no idea that they were going to be here when I walked in my house. I became like a pantomime guy and I was like just stuck and frozen. You just froze for half a second. I just froze when I turned the corner and saw them standing there.

48:15And then they hand me this little gift and there was a card there and it was an awesome card. and they said, open up and I'm digging through it and I can't get to the bottom of it. And then finally I get to the bottom and I pull out a little onesie and it said, you know, I forget what it says, but you know, like the baby loves Mimi and Pop-Pop. And I was like, yeah. Uh-oh, I think not uh-oh, but uh-oh, I think they're pregnant. And I just broke down and, and, And they surprised the heck out of me and my wife with that one. And that surprise is going to be something that you're going to find over that level of surprise, I should say, is something you're going to find over and over and over again over the course of the next nine months.

49:12um and then and i said this to you the moment that that kid pops out your whole life is different there's a level of love that no matter how much you love your wife no matter how much i love my wife. Like there's just something different about that. That's you, man. That's, that's a part of you. Um, and for you right now, like, I'm not so sure it's all settled in yet. It has not. Right. No. And it's getting there. And, and it's understandable. Cause I remember when I was told that, you know, your mom was pregnant with you. Um, and I was like, I'm going to be a dad. Does anybody know who I am? Um, but yet you find your way.

50:13Right. And I will, and I will tell you that the first child is, is, is a little bit trickier because you have no roadmap by the second one, you know, They're playing in the mud and they got throwing knives up in the air and you're like, hey, stop it. On the first one, forget about it. They take one step and you're right there. But you will find that not only will it change your perspective, it will change your priorities. It changes everything about the way you wake up every morning. And it could either be in a positive or a negative way. Again, perspective. Which is why I think for the past two weeks I've been really, struggling isn't the right word, but very introspective into my own thinking and my own beliefs.

51:07Gian Carlo:And I think part of what I've been searching for is validation of the things that I believed were important versus what I actually truly believe Carlo thinks is important, maybe. and I think a lot of it is based on the pressure to feel a societal success and

51:36Gian Carlo:accomplishment outward whatever the heck it is versus does that actually feed what I feel like when I put my head down does that make me actually feel good or does that make me feel good knowing that I did something that society is going to look at me and be like, oh, that's cool. Yeah, I get it. And not to disparage any of the things that I love, because I love cars. Like we've, we've bonded over cars. Like we, I love cars. That's not something that I want to take away. Like I love it. Right. But is that something that I want to put my worth in is like, if I don't have that, am I nothing? And I think just finding this out over the past two weeks has put a real stop into just letting those thoughts flow more and I guess adding a bit more of a yield inside my mind a little bit.

52:34Gian Carlo:Yeah. If that makes sense. It makes perfect sense because we live in a world where one information, you know, something happens on the other side of the world. We know about it in two seconds flat. We live in a world of curated images where, you know, no matter what's going on in somebody's life, they can make it look like they have the most successful, wonderful life, right, between Instagram and TikTok and Facebook and all these other things. I'm old, so I'm still on Facebook. So I know. You're still, hold on. pause facebook's fine you're still using pandora i know i love pandora i got all my i have all my stations but i just had to define where your age was set there because facebook is not the indicator it's pandora and you still have ads on pandora right i love i love pandora and just in case pandora is listening you know not listening well if you are you know there's always there's always There's always a check that I can take from you.

53:37What about me? I don't know. What about me? I'm going to be speaking at some point, big audiences. Here we go. Anyway, we live in a world, right, that says success is defined by money, homes, cars, how you dress, how you talk, the places you go to, the vacations that you take, right? And people are similarly to what we were just talking about before, about how you value your worth, right? If you value your worth based on what the world tells you in these curated images across the way in social media and other areas as well, it can be very easy to just simply, you know, find yourself in this place where if you don't have this certain car or you don't have the 5 ,000 square foot house, or, you know, you don't have the, the, that specific car sitting in the driveway, am I really successful?

54:47Gian Carlo:I mean, in the simplest terms, I think it's a fairly constant state of inadequacy. Yeah. Yeah. It's a comparison thing, right? It's a, it's a state of comparison. And comparison is one of the most damaging things in our culture today. And it is why rates of anxiety and depression are higher than they've ever been, especially among young people, especially among young women. Right. And people are comparing their lives. And here's the interesting thing. We've we are more connected than we've ever been through social media and, you know, chat GPT and this AI and that AI, right? We're more connected in ways than we've ever been.

55:35And yet as a society, we are more disconnected as human beings because we're sitting behind a screen and basing our lives on some image that somebody can very easily now create with just a prompt. Right. Right. And so for you, what I, I, I understand where you, there's this line that you're trying to see, like, is that really what I value? Or what are the things that Carlo really values? And for me, I already know I'm your dad, right? You value family. You value relationships. You value love. You value caring about other people. Focus on those things. You have the talents to do whatever it is that you want to do.

56:36The rest will come for you. I don't know at what level you're going to achieve. I believe I'm your that. I believe it's going to be awesome. Yeah. Right. I really do. I think the sky is the limit, given the level of talent that you have and your sheer dedication to your craft. People see the work of your craft, but I see the work that goes in behind it and the things that you've done from when you're 12 years old and asked me for your first little DJ kit that cost me, you know, 150 bucks or whatever it is. I don't think most people know about that DJ life. Yeah. Well, there was one, trust me. And how it progressed from that to getting a camera, a still camera, and then, you know, saying, wow, man, I really like a video camera.

57:30And from that video camera, here you are all those years later. So your dedication and your heart for your craft will get you wherever you want to go. I think that the most important thing for you is to focus on who Carlo wants to be as Carlo. And the rest of that will just become sort of the, I don't want to say gravy on the top or the cherry on top of the - Byproduct? It will become the byproduct because your peace, your sense of worth will not be determined by those things, and you will be able to step into them. And to take it to the question that you asked, your ability to be the father that I know you want to be is going to be something that is going to be such a joy for me to watch happen and become a reality.

58:36and if you focus on the things that you know are important and believe are important the things that I mentioned the rest will come because you'll you'll approach those things with a sense of peace a sense of calm and not a sense of desperate urgency that pushes you into this sense of if I don't get this done, I failed. No. If I don't get this done, what is it that I can learn from it and get better to make sure I get there? Does that make sense? Yeah.

59:14Gian Carlo:I think it's also just making sure I... I don't think getting out of my own way is the right way to put it, but I feel like sometimes I get in my own way. Like my... my mind limits me sometimes in what I feel I'm capable of because it sometimes has this very limiting belief and I think trying to work towards getting to the place where I don't necessarily hinder myself from my own being um is something I need to get to a little bit more Yeah, it's hard. It's hard, right? I said before, I'm at a different place. Maybe it's my maturity level. But I can look back on my life and see places and circumstances that I was in that I never thought I'd get out of.

1:00:12And I would be like, oh man, how am I getting out of this? Or what am I going to do to better this? And I didn't see an answer. And when I look back over my life now, I did. And not only did I get out of the circumstance that I thought I'd never get out of, I came out of that circumstance wiser, prepared for the next step of my life, and beginning the preparation for the next step. um and and i would just say to you you know in some cases it is you know sort of getting outside of yourself and getting out of your own way you know people say don't live in the past well i don't live in the past but the past has a lot to teach us about the future right right and so So when I look back on my life, I can confidently say now when I'm in a circumstance that's difficult, that when I look back, I see what I've already gotten out of, and I can confidently say that I will get past this too.

1:01:35Right. This, the... This too shall pass. Too shall pass.

1:01:39Gian Carlo:Yeah. You've talked about it. I've heard this from many people too about... because i think a lot of people think of that saying as one-sided this too shall pass in the very negative sense that you're in a negative scenario and this too shall pass meaning that you will prosper from whatever scenario that you're in but on the flip side it's the same exact thing you are in a very successful maybe you're in a high place right now i do think that that saying does apply not being grateful for that and recognizing that that too can pass as well. Absolutely. Is really valuable to think about that perspective and sort of centering you somewhere in the middle potentially of recognizing that both are part of life.

1:02:24Gratitude centers you no matter the circumstance you're in. Because no matter how negative the circumstance may seem at the moment, again, whether it's a health thing, a financial thing, a relational thing, a spiritual thing, a mental thing, we all have things that we can be grateful for. And even when we don't see them, it's why I said before that I start my day with the simplest of things that we take for granted every single day.

1:03:13I have breath. If I have breath, I have life. If I have strength in my legs to be able to put my feet down on the ground when I step out of my bed, there are possibilities for this day. and if I can stay grounded in just that gratitude, because you're right, you could be on the mountaintop and man, oh man, it can be, and it's happened to me. You know it has, right? I've been bankrupt. I've lost the business. I mean, I could keep going down the list, to be honest with you, but it's not necessary right here. and in those times I didn't have the perspective that I have right now but I got I made it past them and I found success and when I say success I'm not just talking about money or house or things along those lines although those things were a part of it I found success in understanding understanding far better who I am because I grounded myself in a state of gratitude every day.

1:04:27And again, please don't misunderstand. There are moments that are still difficult and I still look and I'm like, man, why? Right? But when I take a step back from that, when I step away from business for a moment, I step away from a circumstance, and I'm just alone with myself and prayer, I realize who I am and that that gratitude, because I can look back in the past and see that I've made a past, I can confidently move to that next step and know that it's going to be okay.

1:05:10Gian Carlo:Right. I wanted to close this off by sort of seeing if you can summarize and give the viewers a takeaway that they could expect reading your book. Because I think this podcast, obviously we don't talk into every topic of what your book is, but I think gives a good indicator about who you are, your beliefs, the way that you think, the way that you approach life, leadership, love, and for those that want to read your book, what is something that they could expect to take away from it?

1:05:50I'm going to put it in a very succinct sentence. People matter.

1:05:58People matter.

1:06:02my faith tells me to love the lord your god with all your heart soul mind and strength and love your neighbor as yourself

1:06:14and we as a society i think by and large have gotten away from that in so many ways and that spills over into the way we lead people the word leadership too, by the way, is not just a title, president, CEO, manager, whatever, director, right? If you have influence over one person in your life, you're a leader. You could be a parent, you could be a teacher, you can be a business leader, a pastor, whatever it may be. If you have influence over one person in your life, you're a leader. So interchange those two words between leadership and influence, right? So many people don't think of themselves as leaders because they don't hold a title.

1:07:13Well, did you meet somebody at the supermarket today that maybe, you know, had$4 too much food in their bill and they didn't have enough money to pay for it or something along those lines, you have the ability to have influence over that person in that moment, right? And so my book is really getting back to, you know, there's a model that I developed in here called HEART. It's an acronym, H-E-A-R-T, Hope, Empathy, Authenticity, Remembrance, and Truth, right? And while I shaped it in a modern framework for people to understand, it is not new. It is what my faith has taught me to give people hope, to have empathy for other people, to be authentically who I am so people know when I say something what they're going to get.

1:08:19It's not going to change two minutes from now. Remembering where I came from is so important because when you're on the mountaintop, right, and you forget where you came from, forgetfulness is a form of arrogance. as far as I'm concerned. Right. And if you forget where you came from, it becomes very easy to become arrogant in your leadership. And it goes back to the high, my way or the highway. Here we go. It's the next thing. Right. And it's crazy. I know it's a Sunday here in beautiful Indian land, South Carolina. So everybody's out doing their thing. And then the final thing that wraps them all together is truth.

1:09:10Speaking truth into people, not harshly, but speaking truth into people in love. And perhaps one of the greatest things that you can do for another person is speak truth in love to somebody, and that will awaken the potential in them. So what I would say to you about my book, and there's so much I'd love to say about the book, is this, and it's 2.5 billion heartbeats, by the way, a call to live, love, and lead from the heart. Um, what I would say is this, is that people matter. And when you put people first, um, you will see things happen that would never happen if the only thing that you're concerned about is what you can get out of somebody for yourself instead of how can you lift them to their highest potential.

1:10:21And when you do that, the residual effects will come back to you in ways that for me are, to use a word that I'm not exaggerating, are miraculous. a miraculous. So always put people first as you lead, as you have influence. And when you do that, we don't realize the legacy impact that that has. And if I could just tell you a quick little story, I had a gym teacher who put a soccer ball at my feet when I was five years old, and he didn't give me any fancy systems. He didn't have any complicated ways of doing things. He just said, go play. And I was five years old with a bunch of other kids and we just chased the ball.

1:11:14But little did I know that I would fall in love with a game that literally changed my life. Not only did it change my life, personally, it allowed me to become a coach. And by coaching, I had influence over hundreds of youth players over the years of coaching. But mostly, you and I, right? It shaped our relationship in a lot of ways. You and I spent myriad of hours on a soccer pitch. Just you and I, late at night, right? Right? That's influencing who you are. It's influencing the way that you approach life, the dedication you put into things, the discipline you have for things. And there's other players I know that have become professionals that I've coached.

1:12:20so that legacy that i'm talking about we may never know that when we put people first and we can have influence over one person that one person maybe not saying 100 but maybe could literally go on to change the world. We don't know that. But when we put people first, my hope is that there's the possibility of that. And that's what I hope you get from this book. All right.

1:13:04Gian Carlo:Great way to wrap it up there. So hopefully you enjoyed today's episode. Hopefully you enjoyed learning a little bit about how I got raised by this guy over here. I didn't tell you all of it, by the way, but yeah, no. But if you're interested in learning about his book, 2.5 billion heartbeats, available on Amazon, Kindle, hardcover, softcover. If you don't like reading, trust me, it's fine. It's very, it's a very attainable read. What is it? A hundred and it's like 160 pages, 150 pages. That was purposeful, by the way. So it's very attainable. There's a lot of great messages in there. And yeah, thank you.

1:13:48Gian Carlo:Love you, buddy. I love you too. Hopefully you enjoyed today's episode, everyone. Have a great day. Peace out.

1:14:09you