5 Ways To Deal With Criticism | Marisa Peer

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0:51How do you praise yourself? Well, you get out in the morning and go, I'm a good person. I have a skill. I have a talent. I have something to offer the world. I'm here for a reason. And we all want to hear the same stuff. I love you, I'm proud of you, you're interesting. And you know, the most important thing is you like you. So whatever you wanted to hear, say it to yourself because your mind doesn't even know. And also it doesn't care, your mind doesn't care if what you tell it is right or wrong, or true or false. Words are very nourishing and there is actually nothing on the planet that will raise your self-esteem like praise but self-praise is better because I said to you just adore you you're amazing by the way you know can you do this and this and this I've manipulated you but if I say it to myself my mind knows there's no manipulation and the mind likes repetition when you say every day your mind kind of goes oh yeah here you go again with that praise you say every day must be true and now it sinks in problem is if you criticize yourself every day it says the same thing as well and that hurts you it's interesting because you know the the big talents that commit suicide or die all these individuals who have the world praising them yeah they weren't able to praise themselves yeah they and they don't let it in it doesn't matter if everyone else acknowledges you yeah it does matter but you have to be willing to acknowledge yourself as well right and the familiar unfamiliar if praise is unfamiliar but criticism is familiar when you say to someone like robin williams oh my god that last show was funny because didn't you You notice, I've left out the best, I fluffed a word.

2:29It wasn't as good as the one before. So if you're not used to praise, you'll reject it, and if you're used to criticism, you'll add it in. So if we haven't got praise, we actually reject it. And you just have to say to yourself, I'm going to make this familiar. I'm going to praise myself every day. It might feel weird, but I'll keep doing it. You can make anything familiar or unfamiliar. And my advice to everyone is look at your bad habits and make them unfamiliar and look at what you want, especially praise, and make it familiar more so because if you've got a startup or you're working for yourself, the days of a boss going, well done, good job, pat on the back are over.

3:08And you have a praise muscle and no one's going to build it up except for you. But if you build it up, it makes you bulletproof. At an early age, I was afraid of a lot of things. I was afraid to talk to girls. as a 12 year old I was afraid of speaking in public I was afraid of dancing I was afraid of all these things right and I got so sick and tired of being afraid that I just said I'm gonna give myself a challenge every day you know when I had a when I was afraid of girls I was like every time I see a girl that gives me butterflies I'm gonna go up to them and start a conversation and it's terrifying and I'm sweating and I'm stumbling words and people rejected me the first few times but I just kept doing it yeah girl said hi yeah to see you and you give a little confidence you know you know by the end of this summer when I was a teenager it was like every girl is talking to me of course and I tell people you gotta embrace the fear until the fear disappears yeah similar with the feelings feel the feeling it no longer requires to be felt that's great because what you're really describing so eloquently is you had a massive fear of rejection, talking to girls, speaking in public, asking...

4:18Doing enough. Yes, someone asking to employ you or pay you. And so we know innately that our survival on the planet is linked to not being rejected. And not that long ago you would have died from rejection, you know, in a thousand years ago when they banished you outside the walls of the city or you marooned a difficult sailor. So we have a wiring that says rejection will kill me. and that's why you had the fear. But when you can dialogue with the other, no, it feels like it will kill me. It can't kill me because no girl can reject me unless I give her my permission. But when you say you can't reject me, I can't be rejected because the only person you can reject me is me.

4:59You can talk to girls realizing even if they say, no, you're not my type, I'm with someone, no thanks. Or even, ew, not no, they can only reject you if you let that in. We don't die of rejection anymore, but we still feel like we will, but we don't let it in. We have to laugh about it. So if everyone's giving you negative feedback or critical feedback, how does someone not let it affect them? So the first thing to say is, thanks for sharing that. And it's very good for the little barbs we get from people. If someone is really mean and says, you know, I listened to your talk on YouTube. Oh, my God, you stank up the place.

5:38I was embarrassed for you. then you go back and you say, I missed that. Could you repeat that for me? Slowly. They will usually not bother because they know that in you asking them to repeat it slowly, you're going to call them out on it. So saying, could you repeat that slowly, is giving the person a chance to retract. They almost always do, but occasionally they'll come back and go, no. I just said you're so wooden as a speaker, it's an insult to wood. And then you have your third reaction, which is, oh, Are you trying to make me feel bad about myself? Amazing. They usually go, no, no, me. No, I thought I should tell you how bad you are because you need to get help or never speak in public again.

6:20When you're being bullied at school, if you say, they go, yeah, I really am. I want to hurt you. That's the point. Bullying is just dominating. It's a bit like a seesaw. The bully feels there at the bottom and you're above them and they can only diminish you or embellish themselves to be above you on this little seesaw. And so when someone says, yes, I am trying to hurt your feelings, you simply reply, well, it's not going to work because I'm not letting that in. And the fifth stage is to say, particularly with adults, like if you have a bullying coworker, do you know, since we're sharing here, you do know, don't you, that people who are critical have so much criticism reserved for themselves, they actively dislike themselves.

7:04And you're actually showing me and the entire office that you really don't like yourself. Critical people always have criticism reserved for themselves. They are full of self-criticism, but they reflect it out. And superior people and happy people always praise. And people who feel inadequate always criticize because criticize withers you and praise builds you up. And if you can use those five things, thanks for sharing. Could you repeat that? Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Won't work, I'm not letting it in. and since we're sharing, did you know what is running your critical behavior? You don't let it in, and being able to not let in criticism, that too will change your life.

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8:55Again, have an amazing day, and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.