In short
Podcast Summary: The Daily Motivation - Episode with Jay Shetty
Podcast Description "The Daily Motivation" hosted by Lewis Howes focuses on the narratives we create in our lives. The core message emphasizes that we are the authors of our life stories, and these stories, whether positive or negative, shape who we become.
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Episode Title If Your Relationship Feels Like Competition, You Need To Hear This | Jay Shetty
Episode Description Jay Shetty discusses the difference between toxic love and conscious love, offering insights into how trauma can affect relationships. He emphasizes the importance of emotional responsibility and accountability in fostering healthy partnerships.
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Key Concepts
- Toxic Love vs. Conscious Love
- Toxic Love:
- Defined as a relationship where individuals prioritize their own needs, leading to scorekeeping (e.g., who does more for whom).
- Involves bringing personal trauma and unresolved issues into the relationship, expecting the partner to "purify" them.
- Conscious Love:
- Focuses on both partners taking care of themselves independently to contribute their best selves to the relationship.
- Built on healthy agreements and mutual support, rather than competition.
- The Metaphor of Breathing Trauma
- Shetty uses the metaphor of "breathing trauma" to illustrate how negative baggage can suffocate a relationship, stressing the importance of awareness and communication about personal healing journeys.
- Emotional Responsibility
- Emphasizes taking responsibility for one's emotions rather than blaming the partner (e.g., “you made me feel this way”).
- Encourages couples to openly communicate their struggles and healing processes to foster understanding and support.
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Key Takeaways
- Scorekeeping is Not Teamwork:
- Competition within relationships is unhealthy; conscious love requires collaboration and shared responsibility.
- Vulnerability and Honesty:
- When partners share their struggles, they should not use this vulnerability as a weapon during conflict. This can lead to a breakdown of trust and communication.
- Support in Healing:
- Supporting a partner's journey of healing, rather than forcing change upon them, is crucial for developing a healthy relationship.
- Creating Personal Agreements:
- Couples should establish their own rules and agreements tailored to their relationship, rather than adhering to a one-size-fits-all approach.
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Conclusion This episode with Jay Shetty presents a thought-provoking exploration of love dynamics, highlighting the distinction between toxic and conscious love. The insights provided encourage listeners to foster healthier relationships through awareness, communication, and mutual support.
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Further Engagement
- To explore more of these concepts, listeners can access Shetty's book, "8 Rules of Love".
- Follow the Greatness newsletter for additional insights and discussions on personal growth and motivation.
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For more episodes and content, visit [The Daily Motivation](https://greatness.lnk.to/1417DM).
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOUnderstanding Toxic vs. Conscious Love
0:40 to 1:58
Explore the differences between toxic love and conscious love.
“Toxic love is where both people are working independently to use the relationship to serve their own needs.”
The Impact of Trauma on Relationships
1:58 to 4:15
Discuss how trauma can affect relationships and the importance of communication.
“Toxic love is, it's interesting when you look at the word toxic as well.”
Emotional Responsibility in Relationships
4:15 to 5:18
Learn about emotional accountability and its role in conscious love.
“I love your definition of toxic love versus conscious love.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Now at the Home Depot, receive 12 months special financing and free basic installation on carpet projects with LifeProof, LifeProof with PetProof Technology, Home Decorators Collection, and Traffic Master Carpets. Bring a new look to your floors or give them a durable surface that stands up to life's tough messes. Get 12 months special financing on installed carpet projects right now at the Home Depot. Offer valid March 12th through March 29th, 2026. Exclusions and additional charges may apply. For licenses, see homedepot.com slash license numbers. Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to The Daily Motivation Show.
0:39What is the difference between toxic love and conscious love?
0:43Jay Shetty:Toxic love is where both people are working independently to use the relationship to serve their own needs. That's toxic love. And conscious love is where both people independently take care of themselves so they can bring their best self to each other. And where this often goes wrong is that toxic love turns into a competition. Toxic love now is who's doing more for each other? Who gives more love to each other? Who does more work around the house? You turn the whole thing into a competition, which is not teamwork. and conscious love is not saying you're the selfless one it's you're making agreements I think that's the mistake that love was constantly conscious love was always like be selfless love more than the other person give more that's not healthy either what's healthy is we're actually going to create boundaries we're actually going to create agreements we're actually going to create principles we're going to create rules the reason why I call the book eight rules of love is my hope that it will inspire other couples to create their own list of rules in their own relationship.
1:57Jay Shetty:A conscious relationship is one that is built on a foundation of healthy agreements. Yes. Toxic love is, it's interesting when you look at the word toxic as well. Tell me. So toxic love is when your trauma is the oxygen for your relationship. Right? If you think Think about the word, like the idea that your trauma is what you're breathing into the relationship. Oh my gosh, that is so true. Right? You're just breathing your trauma into the relationship. So you bring all your baggage, all your insecurities, and you're somehow expecting the other person to inhale it all and then figure out how to respond and react.
2:37Jay Shetty:Right. Whereas a conscious relationship is saying that I have these things. I'm trying to heal them. I'm going to make my partner aware of what I'm healing because I'm not fully healed. Yes. And now that they're aware and I'm working on it, we can also work on it together. So I think we've also had this unhealthy idea of conscious love being you're fully healed. And then you come. It's like, that's not true. It's a journey. And so, but the thing about the journey is, are you working on yourself? Have you communicated to your partner what you're working on so that they can be aware? And thirdly, have you found a way to get support?
3:11Jay Shetty:I had a friend whose partner was addicted to porn. and they came up to me and they were saying that their partner feels shameful and guilty and wants to work on it and I said you have two choices you can either leave them because you don't believe them and this affects you negatively which it was or you can stay with them and support them through their journey because they want to change it's not that you're forcing them to change about it they're coming to you about it exactly they're vulnerable they're open about it they're honest about it and what I found in that scenario was that that person was able to support their partner Now they have a really healthy relationship.
3:49Jay Shetty:But the thing is that we can't also... A toxic relationship is also when you use someone's trauma against them. So someone's been vulnerable with you about what they're struggling with. And now you use it as ammunition in an argument to shoot them down. And so when people are vulnerable with you, when they're honest with you, when they're transparent with you, don't use that against them. Because basically you're saying to them, don't be honest with me. and I think that's this really interesting thing we all say I want someone who's honest but then when someone says something honest that's uncomfortable we say no no no I don't want your honesty or I don't like that and I think you push the other person away yes and so yes if it's really if they share something that's really not aligned with your values of course you can leave and move on but chances are if they're opening up about a journey they're on it's worth giving it an opportunity to support them if they're serious about it.
4:45I love your definition of toxic love versus conscious love. And when I was hearing you say this, I was thinking that conscious love is also wanting to take emotional responsibility and accountability for emotions. As opposed to saying, you made me feel this way. You said this, you didn't do this, and it made me explode on you. It's having the emotional responsibility to manage it. And if you aren't good at managing it, saying, I take full accountability and I'm working on that healing journey. And I think that responsibility and accountability adds to the potential growth for conscious love.
5:23Jay Shetty:I love that. That's such a great point.
5:31I have a brand new book called Make Money Easy. And if you're looking to create more financial freedom in your life, you want abundance in your life, and you want to stop making money hard in your life, but you wanna make it easier, you wanna make it flow, you wanna feel abundant, then make sure to go to makemoneyeasybook.com right now and get yourself a copy. I really think this is gonna help you transform your relationship with money this moment moving forward. We have some big guests and content coming up. Make sure you're following. And thank you for listening to this episode of The Daily Motivation Show.
6:14Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Daily Motivation, and I hope you have an amazing rest of your day. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description. That will take you to the full episode of our main podcast on the School of Greatness. And if you are loving The Daily Motivation, please follow us over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review over on Apple Podcast right now. And if you want more exclusive content and ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcast right now. And if you wanna get even more inspiration from our world-class guests and learn how to improve your life and take it to the next level, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.
7:04Again, have an amazing day And I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.
7:36right now at the Home Depot. Offer valid March 12th through March 29th, 2026. Exclusions and additional charges may apply. For licenses, see homedepot.com slash license numbers.
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Check out the full episode: https://greatness.lnk.to/1417DM
Jay Shetty cuts through the noise with a metaphor that lands hard: toxic love is when your trauma becomes the oxygen for your relationship. You're literally breathing your baggage, your insecurities, your unhealed wounds into your partner's lungs and expecting them to somehow purify it all and give you back clean air. He contrasts this with conscious love, which isn't about waiting until you're perfectly healed or being selflessly devoted. It's about independently taking care of yourself so you can bring your best self to the relationship. And here's where most people get it wrong: toxic love turns into scorekeeping. Who does more around the house? Who loves more? Who sacrifices more? That's not teamwork. Conscious love is built on healthy agreements, not competition. Jay shares a real story about a friend whose partner struggled with porn addiction. The partner was vulnerable, honest, wanted to change. The choice was simple but brutal: leave because it affects you negatively, or stay and support them through genuine healing. They chose support. Now they have a healthy relationship. But Jay warns about the flip side: using someone's vulnerability as ammunition. When your partner opens up about their struggles and you throw it back at them during an argument, you're telling them never to be honest with you again.
The shift Lewis identifies is crucial: conscious love means taking emotional responsibility instead of saying "you made me feel this way." It means communicating what you're healing, making your partner aware of your journey, and finding support together. Not because you're broken, but because healing is a journey and conscious love doesn't demand perfection before partnership. Jay's book 8 Rules of Love isn't about following his rules exactly, it's about inspiring couples to create their own agreements that work for their specific relationship. The foundation isn't romance or grand gestures. It's the unglamorous work of building agreements, staying aware of what you're healing, and never weaponizing the vulnerability your partner trusts you with. Because we all say we want honesty, but the moment someone shares something uncomfortable, we often reject it. That's how you push the other person away. If they're genuinely on a healing journey and they're transparent about it, that's worth supporting. Not forcing change on them, but being there as they do the work themselves.
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