DO THIS To Manifest Love & Attraction | Stephan Speaks EP 265

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation show.

0:10I firmly believe that taking charge of your mindset allows you to be in the driver's seat of your life and unlock your potential. And that's why I'm thrilled to share that my new book is out right now. It's called The Greatness Mindset. In it, you'll learn how to build a plan for greatness through powerful exercises and toolkits designed to propel your life forward. This is the book that I wish I had 20 years ago. It's everything I've learned in the last decade with the research and the science to help you unlock your mind. Make sure to go to lewishouse.com slash 2023mindset to pick up your copy of my book, The Greatness Mindset, today.

0:51When does someone know it's connection and not chemistry? Because I feel like you might be tricked. We have this incredible connection. We understand each other. We get each other. I can't explain it, but I feel something. That feeling might be also chemistry at the same time, right? It might be masking if it's really connection or chemistry. How do you know if it's true connection over, man, there's this desire, connection, attraction, all these things happening at once? One, can you truly be yourself with this person? Ooh, that's big. Because again, a lot of people, they go on these dates, they're bringing their representative and the chemistry happens on a surface level with the representatives that both sides are bringing.

1:31but when you actually show your true self, now what happens? And a lot of people have not done that with their partner or the person that they're getting to know. So again, you're falling into the hype of the chemistry or the compatibility but you're not discovering true connection being there. So, you've got to be able to be yourself because real connection loves you at the core, all right? You can show me all the parts of you. I still want you, all right? Number two is can we enjoy each other with no distractions. What people fail to understand and this can happen with chemistry is that we're bonding based off of the activity or the things in our environment.

2:13Meaning, all right, we love going out together and we do all these fun stuff and we're doing all these things and that's great, all right? We know how to have fun together. Can we be alone in a room, no TV, no distraction, no phone, just us and still love being with each other? A lot of people can't say that. A lot of people are only able to be in their relationship and tolerate their partner. And I use that word strongly. Tolerate their partner because they have enough distractions in their life. They have kids. They have work. They have all these other things going on. TV, video games, man caves, whatever.

2:48Exactly. All these things that pull them away from their partner. That doesn't allow them to face the fact that, no, you really don't like each other at their core. Man. That is a huge sign of connection. That's why like one thing I suggested in one of my books was go on a road trip. Go on a road trip for at least six hours, no phone, no distraction, just you and them talking. Will you still be happy after those six hours? A lot of people can't make it that far in a car ride with their partner, all right? A lot of people cannot be in a room alone with their partner and nothing else to take their attention.

3:20You got to really push those boundaries to see what do we really have here if this is really going to be called a connection. What about the saying that I hear, if he can't accept me at my worst, he doesn't deserve me at my best. I agree with it from the standpoint of you've got to be able to handle your partner's worst moments, all right? Because we're going to all have moments. We're going to all fall. We're all going to make a mistake. It's going to happen. But when you are essentially trying to say, I have a horrible flaw and you should accept it, even when I want to consistently make you deal with it, no, that's not going to work for me.

4:01I can't accept that. That's not okay. And so a lot of people, that's what they're turning it into. That's if you're not taking accountability and responsibility for growth. Disagreement is acceptable. Disrespect is not. All right? So my thing is, yes, it's okay and even healthy to have disagreements because we have different perspectives. We can bounce ideas off each other. We simply have to know how to navigate that and come to an official decision on things when we have those moments. But arguing, arguing says we are being disrespectful. Whether our tone is negative, the words that we're using, you know, we're getting loud, we're getting angry.

4:37We're basically throwing negative energy at our partner. That's not healthy. But a lot of people will say that because they want to validate the unhealthiness in their relationship. They don't want to face the issue up. I need to learn how to talk to my partner better. I don't want to have to fix my tone. Why do I have to watch what I say? Because that's what an adult does. Wow. All right, grow up. You know, like I'm sorry to anyone listening to this, but that's just real. We can't just think it's okay, especially with our partners, to speak however we want, to throw all kinds of insults, to be disrespectful and think this is okay.

5:13Because what people are not realizing is all it takes is that one really bad argument to plant a seed of negativity that now grows into something worse in the relationship. A lot of people's issues are not the issue that they're facing in that current moment. It's the culmination of all kinds of things before then. It's the buildup from that last time you disrespected me or made me feel some kind of way. And ever since then, I've resented you. And now in this resentment, I've given you an attitude. You didn't know what the attitude was about because I didn't communicate clearly. Now you're giving me attitude and now you see how it turns into other things.

5:49Now that attitude turns into the way that we talk to each other in general. maybe becoming secretive because now we don't feel like dealing with each other anymore. And what you don't realize is it started from disrespectful arguing. Wow. So going back to your point about the whole take me at my worst, worst moment. You can have a moment. Not always like this. Yeah. And once in a while, a good attitude. Exactly. Consistent negative behavior has to be addressed and corrected. Whenever someone feels attacked, they will defend themselves. Even if they know they're wrong. Even if the point you're making is actually solid.

6:24The way you're coming at them negates their ability to receive it. That's why even me as a speaker, my focus has been, do I want to be heard or do I want people to receive my message? All right? If I want to be heard, I can speak however I want. I can be blatant with the insults. I can cut people down, make jokes of everybody's situation because it's just entertainment. I just want to be heard. But no, I want people to receive it. And if I want people to receive it, I have to be more considerate, more compassionate. I have to check my tone. I have to be careful with my words. And that's why people watch my videos, they'll see I try to be very careful with my words because I want you to receive what I'm saying.

7:00So, if we're in a relationship, we have to take that approach. If you want them to hear you, be mindful of how you're talking to them. Why is it so hard for people? They don't want to do the work of correction, all right? And the work of correction can entail the healing. It's also conditioning. If people have been brought up in households and environments where this is how they talk to each other, it's foreign to now speak in a more loving and positive way. It's foreign to sit and be quiet and listen. So now they have to reprogram themselves. And that's a lot of work. And I think also the acceptance of the way you're communicating is wrong.

7:35People don't like to face that they were wrong. They don't want to have to accept that. So it's, no, I have to dig an even deeper hole and stick with this whole negative approach of how I do things because, no, there's nothing wrong with this. Or I see other people do it, you know, they're fine. No, they're not fine. They're not okay, you know? So I think those reasons, just overall, they don't want to have to do the work. And so they'd rather make excuses for it. In terms of recognizing what to heal, my first step is called the who hurt me list, all right? So you get a piece of paper, you write down on the piece of paper, who hurt me?

8:10And now every person who comes to mind, you write them down on the piece of paper. Doesn't matter how long ago it happened, doesn't matter if you think you move past it, if you think it's not relevant. If they come to mind, then there's some level of relevance there. Put them on the paper in about a sentence or two of what they did to hurt you. This is how we're going to start to locate what you've been holding on to. But you really got to go into this exercise very genuine. You can't be trying to control the narrative. You just got to let yourself feel. Just ask yourself the question, close your eyes, let it come out.

8:42What's the question they should ask? Who hurt me? That's it. Who hurt me? That's it. if we tackle the big one, you're not going to be able to escape the big ones. The big ones are going to come out. They're going to come to mind. If we can tackle those, then that might set the stage where everything else gets taken care of naturally. Because now your awareness is going to be there and your level of healing will allow you to see things differently. Because really, the big ones might be the ones that cause the most pain. And if you heal that, the other ones are just a pattern of the pain. Exactly.

9:08And you will also start to perceive those situations differently once you've healed from the bigger one. Step two, we've got to get things off our chest. And this is where we do the letter writing process. There's two parts of the letter, two drafts. The first draft is the most important. This is where we're going to have essentially an emotional detox. We got to get everything out. So, let's say on the list is your mother. You're going to do the first draft. And in that first draft, you're just going to let all your raw emotion out. I don't care if you wish death on her. I don't care what nasty evil thing you say.

9:38however you feel, let it come out. You've got to let the anger, the hurt all pour out of you into this letter. If you don't know how to start the letter, start it with the most damning thing you can say, all right? I hate you because, boom, and then just go from there. It's going to start coming out. Once you uncork that screw, and this is where it gets heavier, a lot of people may take a lot more pauses in this process, all right? Because again, so many people have been suppressing this for so long. Let it rip, let it out. And I guarantee you by just doing that first draft, you're going to feel better.

10:12You're going to feel a weight come off your shoulders. You're going to feel more peace to you. Pray, meditate, whatever you got to do, just get to a kind of level, place mentally. Calm, yeah. Calm. And now read the letter to yourself as if you were them. So, put yourself in their shoes. And anything that now comes off as attacking, condescending, blatantly insulting, you're going to change it. You're not changing the message. You're just changing your delivery of the message, all right? And the importance behind this is twofold. One, people don't know how to communicate without being negative.

10:45Their tone, their delivery is horrible. So, this letter is going to help you learn how to take your negative emotions and thoughts and now turn it and reword it into a much more loving, positive message. Now, loving positive does not mean you won't say some things that aren't hurtful to them or a hard pill for them to swallow. there's just a difference between lashing out and expressing how you feel so by the end of it you have fully expressed yourself but in a more calm loving manner

11:20thank you so much for listening to today's episode of the daily motivation and i hope you have an amazing rest of your day. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description that will take you to the full episode of our main podcast on the School of Greatness. And if you are loving the daily motivation, please follow us over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want more exclusive content and ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcast right now. And if you want to get even more inspiration from our world-class guests and learn how to improve your life and take it to the next level, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.

12:16Again, have an amazing day and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.

12:29Thank you.