Embrace The Present & Seize Every Moment | Steven Bartlett EP 260

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation show.

0:10I firmly believe that taking charge of your mindset allows you to be in the driver's seat of your life and unlock your potential. And that's why I'm thrilled to share that my new book is out right now. It's called The Greatness Mindset. In it, you'll learn how to build a plan for greatness through powerful exercises and toolkits designed to propel your life forward. This is the book that I wish I had 20 years ago. It's everything I've learned in the last decade with the research and the science to help you unlock your mind. Make sure to go to lewishouse.com slash 2023mindset to pick up your copy of my book, The Greatest Mindset, today.

0:55Which relationship do you feel like you need to heal the most with, mom or dad? Definitely with my mom. Really? Yeah, I'm not even talking to my mom right now. Really? When's the last time you talked to him? Maybe two months ago. How's that make you feel? Like I'm heading towards regret. Was it you that said to me about how many times you get to see your parents a year? And that really stayed with me. Can you repeat what you said to me? Yeah, Jesse Itzler, who's a buddy of mine, who unfortunately just lost his father. He told me this a couple of years ago. He said, you know, once you're older and you move away from home and you've got kids and you've got family, he's like you see your you go back to your home to see your parents two three four times a year maybe maybe most people twice and I was like yeah that sounds about right and he goes well if your parents are in their 70s or their 80s you don't have 10 or 20 more years with them hopefully you have two times a year you maybe have 10 20 30 more times you're going to see them if that's been your cadence for the last five years because life happens maybe you talk to them but you don't see them in person every day, every month.

2:04You see them a few times a year. He said, you only get 20 moments with your parents. Maybe if they live a super long, healthy life, maybe you get 30 moments left. Have you said everything you want to say? Have you connected with them the way you want to connect? Have you addressed things? Have you shown up fully and loved them? Or are things on set? I have not. And my dad has outlived his younger siblings. My dad has outlived his younger siblings, and I see my dad once a year. And he lives in the UK. He lives about four hours from London, in the countryside, where I grew up. Where does your mom live?

2:39Simplest. Simplest. So I'm in my overdraft, as we call it. So I'm in the rest. You're in the negative. Yeah. It could be any year. Hopefully he's got decades left. You never know. I'm pretending it's not going to happen. And I know I am. And I ignore the thought. If the thought comes into my mind, I'll make myself busy doing something. Of course. I know I'm going to regret that. I've never lost anyone. So I mean it's it's the first time it was my dad passed three months ago now or two months ago now and A friend of mine Jason Wilson who's an older gentleman really inspiring guy. He told me two years ago in 2019 He said how's your relationship with your father because he knew that for 15 years at that time He had an accident a brain trauma where we really didn't have the same relationship because he wasn't mentally and emotionally available in that way.

3:26So it was a different personality type. He was physically here, but it was almost like he was mentally and emotionally not here. It was just challenging to see him for me, right? And he said, you know, even if you're not having the best experience with him, and even if he doesn't say he likes having you around, because after two hours, he'd be like, I'm tired. I want you to leave. He said, even if that's happening, he still really cares that you showed up. He may not show it. He may not communicate it. You may not think it's true, but it's true. He's always going to care. And if you don't know how many years he has left, you owe it to yourself to do the best you can.

4:01And so when he told me that in 2019, I said, okay, you know what? Because I usually want back once a year for years. I see my dad once a year. He was like, you need to go more. I was like, ah, but I've only got so much work here in LA. And it's like, it's a big, you know, it's a flight over there. And it's a whole issue, like seeing him, it's a big deal or whatever. He said, trust me, you don't know when, maybe he lasts 21. more years, but you have no idea. And so I said, okay, I'm going to do this four times next year. I made the commitment. I'm going to go for multiple days so I can see him multiple times each day.

4:30And then boom, the pandemic happened. And I went three times. I'd said I wanted to go four. I went three. And I felt really good about it though. Cause I extended my trips and I stayed longer and I saw him lots of days and I videotaped it all. And I asked him every question I wanted to ask him. I like interviewed him. I have all these videos of me interviewing him, like on a podcast. So I was like, I want to ask him everything. I want to tell him how I feel. And I did that. And then in 2021, I went to see him twice. I did the same thing. I kept asking him all the questions I needed to ask, said everything I needed to say, how much I appreciated him.

5:01And then in February 2022, this year, he passed away. And I didn't know, I didn't think it was going to happen. And I'm so glad for the last two years, I went to go see him, said what I needed to say, asked him questions videotaped it took photos like just had those moments because now I can at least say you know what I did the best I could maybe I could have gone and seen him more in these last two years but I went more than I've ever been I felt spiritually more connected to him than ever in the last two years I felt like our relationship shifted after 15 years of struggle and is there anything left?

5:41I think I told him everything I told him how much I loved him how much I appreciate him. I told him I forgive him for stuff that I dealt with. But again, certain things I said, it's like he couldn't fully understand it because mentally he had the brain trauma. But I was like, I said it for me at least, you know? And hopefully his spirit captured it and he understood it. But I didn't hold anything back. I don't think I held anything back. Do you think if you healed the major wounds of your life that you would be as driven and successful? It's a great question. When I've pondered much, I used to think that healing from the things that had made me driven would inhibit my ambition I used to think that if I got to the point where I believed deep within my being and my my inner child that I was enough that I was as good as the white friends and the the houses and all the things that I didn't have when I was that kid in that neighborhood looking around if I got to the point where I realized I was enough I thought it would inhibit my sense of ambition and drive what I actually learned was that was never actually ambition.

6:41The Lamborghini wasn't ambition. It was insecurity. I didn't want a Lamborghini. Society told me I would be enough if I got a Lamborghini. So when I realized I was enough for myself, your ambitions become real ambitions. Then you go, what does Steve actually want to do if he doesn't care about the external validation or the approval of others? What are the things he would be doing if he wasn't striving for a Lamborghini or for followers or for some kind of applause. And he had the void of financial resources filled in his life. Well, he would be making content about life and psychology every day.

7:14He would be spending time in Bali, creating a home there with a family. He would be doing all these other things. So healing actually creates the foundation for real ambition. Before then, you think it's ambition, but it's actually a pursuit of validation. It's trying to quench insecurity or to win your parents' approval. So that was a really liberating thing for me. And now that I'm getting closer and closer to realizing that I am enough, which I think I'm pretty close now, I'm as ambitious as ever before, but I'm really asking myself whenever I pursue something, why? And I end up pursuing things and getting things that are actually intrinsically meaningful and rewarding, as opposed to things that I attained.

7:53And upon getting them, they seemed to dissipate in my hands and it was a mirage it was an illusion someone had told me a lie and i think i know who it was that four six eight year old me that told me these things would make you fulfilled and happy and content but it was a lie i told myself because i didn't know better and now i know better so the things i i attain and reach for and strive are things that are actually steve's that those are my things

8:29Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Daily Motivation, and I hope you have an amazing rest of your day. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description. That will take you to the full episode of our main podcast on The School of Greatness. And if you are loving The Daily Motivation, please follow us over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review over on Apple podcast right now. And if you want more exclusive content and ad free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our greatness plus channel on Apple podcast right now. And if you want to get even more inspiration from our world-class guests and learn how to improve your life and take it to the next level, then make sure to sign up for the greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.

9:19Again, have an amazing day and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.