Embrace The Present & Seize Every Moment | Steven Bartlett

0:00We just confirmed that Andrew Huberman is coming to the Summit of Greatness along with some other amazing speakers. We've got Dr. Tara Sward, Brendon Burchard, Gabby Bernstein, Amy Purdy, and some huge entertainers and performers. Make sure to get your tickets right now. Summit of Greatness is happening September 12th and 13th here in Hollywood. I can't wait to see you there. Hi, my name is Lewis Howes, and welcome to The Daily Motivation Show.

0:38Which relationship do you feel like you need to heal the most with? Mom or dad? Definitely with my mom. Really? Yeah, I'm not even talking to my mom right now. Really? When's the last time you talked to her? Maybe two months ago. How does that make you feel? Like I'm heading towards regret. Was it you that said to me about how many times you get to see your parents a year? That really stayed with me. Can you repeat what you said to me? Yeah, Jesse Itzler, who's a buddy of mine, who unfortunately just lost his father. He told me this a couple of years ago. He said, you know, once you're older and you move away from home and you've got kids and you've got family, he's like, you go back to your home to see your parents two, three, four times a year, maybe.

1:23Maybe most people twice. And I was like, yeah, that sounds about right. And he goes, well, if your parents are in their 70s or their 80s, you don't have 10 or 20 more years with them, hopefully. You have two times a year. You maybe have 10, 20, 30 more times you're going to see them if that's been your cadence for the last five years because life happens. Maybe you talk to them, but you don't see them in person every day, every month. You see them a few times a year. He said, you only get 20 moments with your parents. Maybe if they live a super long, healthy life, maybe you get 30 moments left.

1:58Have you said everything you want to say? Have you connected with them the way you want to connect? Have you addressed things? have you shown up fully and loved them or are things on set i have not and my dad has outlived his younger siblings my dad has outlived his younger siblings and i see my dad once a year and he lives in the uk he lives about four hours from london in the countryside where i grew up where's your mom live same place so i'm in my overdraft as we call it so i'm in the rest you're in the negative yeah it could be any year obviously hopefully he's got decades left you never know I'm pretending it's not going to happen.

2:32And I know I am. And I ignore the thought. If the thought comes into my mind, I'll make myself busy doing something. Of course. I know I'm going to regret that. I've never lost anyone. I'll tell you what, man. It's the first time. It was my dad passed three months ago now. Or two months ago now. And a friend of mine, Jason Wilson, who's an older gentleman, really inspiring guy. He told me two years ago, in 2019, he said, how's your relationship with your father? because he knew that for 15 years at that time, he had an accident, a brain trauma, where we really didn't have the same relationship because he wasn't mentally and emotionally available in that way.

3:09So it was a different personality type. He was physically here, but it was almost like he was mentally and emotionally not here. It was just challenging to see him for me, right? And he said, you know, even if you're not having the best experience with him, and even if he doesn't say he likes having you around, because after two hours, he'd be like, I'm tired, I want you to leave. He said, even if that's happening, he still really cares that you showed up. He may not show it. He may not communicate it. You may not think it's true, but it's true. He's always going to care. And if you don't know how many years he has left, you owe it to yourself to do the best you can.

3:44And so when he told me that in 2019, I said, okay, you know what? Because I usually want back once a year for years. I see my dad once a year. He was like, you need to go more. I was like, ah, but I've only got so much work here in LA. And it's like, it's a big, you know, it's a flight over there. and it's a whole issue, like seeing him, it's a big deal or whatever. He said, trust me, you don't know when, maybe he'll last 20 more years, but you have no idea. And so I said, okay, I'm gonna do this four times next year. I made the commitment. I'm gonna go for multiple days so I can see him multiple times each day.

4:13And then boom, the pandemic happened. And I went three times. I'd said I wanted to go four, I went three. And I felt really good about it though because I extended my trips and I stayed longer and I saw him lots of days and I videotaped it all and I asked him every question I wanted to ask him I like interviewed him. I have all these videos of me interviewing him like on a podcast. So I was like, I want to ask him everything. I want to tell him how I feel. And I did that. And then in 2021, I went to see him twice. I did the same thing. I kept asking him all the questions I needed to ask, said everything I needed to say, how much I appreciated him.

4:44And then in February 2022, this year, he passed away. And I didn't know, I didn't think it was going to happen. and I'm so glad for the last two years I went to go see him, said what I needed to say, asked him questions, videotaped, it took photos, like just had those moments because now I can at least say, you know what, I did the best I could. Maybe I could have gone and seen him more in these last two years, but I went more than I've ever been. I felt spiritually more connected to him than ever in the last two years. I felt like our relationship shifted after 15 years of struggle. And is there anything left?

5:24I think I told him everything. I told him how much I loved him, how much I appreciate him. I told him I forgive him for stuff that I dealt with. But again, certain things I said, it's like he couldn't fully understand it because mentally he had the brain trauma. But I was like, I said it for me at least, you know, and hopefully his spirit captured it and he understood it. But I didn't hold anything back. I don't think I held anything back. Do you think if you healed the major wounds of your life that you would be as driven and successful? It's a great question. When I've pondered much, I used to think that healing from the things that had made me driven would inhibit my ambition.

6:01I used to think that if I got to the point where I believed deep within my being and my inner child that I was enough, that I was as good as the white friends and the houses and all the things that I didn't have when I was that kid in that neighborhood looking around. If I got to the point where I realized I was enough, I thought it would inhibit my sense of ambition and drive. What I actually learned was that was never actually ambition. The Lamborghini wasn't ambition. It was insecurity. I didn't want a Lamborghini. Society told me I would be enough if I got a Lamborghini. So when I realized I was enough for myself, your ambitions become real ambitions.

6:37Then you go, what does Steve actually want to do if he doesn't care about the external validation or the approval of others? What are the things he would be doing if he wasn't striving for a Lamborghini or for followers or for some kind of applause? And he had the void of financial resources filled in his life. Well, he would be making content about life and psychology every day. He would be spending time in Bali, creating a home there with a family. He would be doing all these other things. So healing actually creates the foundation for real ambition. Before then, you think it's ambition, but it's actually a pursuit of validation.

7:11It's trying to quench your insecurity or to win your parents' approval. So that was a really liberating thing for me. And now that I'm getting closer and closer to realizing that I am enough, which I think I'm pretty close now, I'm as ambitious as ever before, but I'm really asking myself whenever I pursue something, why? And I end up pursuing things and getting things that are actually intrinsically meaningful and rewarding, as opposed to things that I attained. And upon getting them, they seemed to dissipate in my hands. And it was a mirage. It was an illusion. Someone had told me a lie, and I think I know who.

7:44It was that four-, six-, eight-year-old me that told me these things would make you fulfilled and happy and content. But it was a lie I told myself because I didn't know better. And now I know better. So the things I attain and reach for and strive are things that are actually Steve's, that those are my things.

8:12Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Daily Motivation, and I hope you have an amazing rest of your day. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description. That will take you to the full episode of our main podcast on The School of Greatness. And if you are loving the daily motivation, please follow us over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want more exclusive content and ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want to get even more inspiration from our world-class guests and learn how to improve your life and take it to the next level, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.

9:02Again, have an amazing day, and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.

9:18Thank you.