Establish Trust, Love and Begin Healing Your Relationships | Jordan Peterson EP 324

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1:13How does someone get someone to trust them? Or is it not about them at that stage and it's about the other person and their insecurities? I think that you can establish the ground rules explicitly you know and have a discussion about it are we going to lie to each other or not are we going to tell each other the truth to the degree that we can to make that an actual goal and to talk through the consequences of doing that and not doing it and then i would also say whenever a hiccup occurs in the relationship maybe don't call it out at each hiccup you know because you have to have a certain amount of silent tolerance in any relationship to let small infractions go but if they repeat my rule is three times and it's the rule that we i share with my wife if something happens three times that is causing emotional upset anger jealousy disappointment resentment frustration any of those things anything that you don't want to experience and that you especially don't want to experience repeatedly, then you can call it out.

2:21And if you have three examples, your case is much better made than if you just have one. You've got to think about this over the long run. You're going to be interacting with this person on a minute-by-minute basis for decades. If you're the idiot and that's causing trouble, then you should find out. So you want to say, well, look, this is what I saw. What's your explanation of what's going on? And then they'll offer you their viewpoint and hopefully they'll do the same thing. They'll think, well, this is my intent and maybe they have to go think about it. But this is my intent and this is what I saw.

3:01And I think you're being oversensitive in that situation. And you peel back the explanations layer by layer until you both agree on what happened. and more importantly on what you're going to do about it in the future. And that's really hard, especially if there is something going on that's not straight because that will require quite a bit of digging. It'll probably result in anger and tears and a fight. And that's very unpleasant. It's easier in the short term to avoid that. But hopefully the consequence of that is you don't have to have that fight again. You have to come to a negotiated agreement about that situation.

3:45And you have to pay attention to your own uncomfortable negative emotions in order to manage that. And not pretend that everything's alright. Or that you're nicer than you are. Or that you're less jealous than you are. One of the things I learned from Carl Jung, the psychoanalyst, about marriage was that there is a reason marriage was a vow. The vow is that you stick together. You do not get to leave. Period. Okay, so what does that mean? Well, on the upside, it means that you don't have to be alone. It means that your family will have continuity over decades. It means that the narrative of your life won't be fragmented and broken by divorce or sequential divorce.

4:29It means that your children can grow up and maybe have their children within a continuing family. like it's a big deal to maintain that there's huge advantages in it it means that you'll have someone there when you're not well and so will your partner and it'll means that you have someone to share all of the positive things of life with so there's huge advantages to it okay so why does it have to be a vow well I don't think you can tell the truth to someone who can run away because if you tell the truth to someone and they can run away, then they'll run away. I'm not saying that people should never separate.

5:10I am saying, though, that it's better not to if you can manage it. But then the other thing, too, is if you can't run away, then you're motivated in a different way. It's like I'm stuck with this woman and she's stuck with me. And unless we want to have this same fight over and over and over for the next who knows how long why don't we straighten it out and then we can put it behind us see that the vow gives you a kind of desperation that is another motivation to actually solve the problems and if you've got a way out you you can always stay hidden you can guard yourself you can protect yourself and even protect that part of yourself that thinks that it can leave if things get too bad.

5:54The problem with that, in my estimation, is that you're going to drag your stupidity into the next relationship. Right, always do, right? Well, generally speaking, right? You also have to, in some sense, shake the illusion that the other person is somehow not you. You're so tied up with them that there's no difference between you and them in some sense, is that what's good for her is going to be good for you and vice versa. One of the things we try to do to the two of us is we try to say yes to each other. Now, there's rules that go along with that, which is, well, I'm going to say yes to you, but that sort of means that you shouldn't make unreasonable demands.

6:32I'll say yes as much as I possibly can. And then you'll do that in return. And then we get yes out of the deal instead of no. That's also a huge plus.

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7:50Again, have an amazing day and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.