Have the Courage to Stand Alone & Find True Belonging | Brené Brown EP 292

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show.

0:10Calling all conscious achievers who are seeking more community and connection. I've got an invitation for you. Join me at this year's Summit of Greatness this September 7th through 9th in my hometown of Columbus, Ohio to unleash your true greatness. This is the one time a year that I gather the greatness community together in person for a powerful, transformative weekend. People come from all over the world and you can expect to hear from inspiring speakers like Inky Johnson, Jaspree Singh, Vanessa Van Edwards, Jen Sincero, and many more. You'll also be able to dance your heart out to live music, get your body moving with group workouts, and connect with others at our evening socials.

0:53So if you're ready to learn, heal, and grow alongside other incredible individuals in the greatness community, then you can learn more at lewishouse.com slash summit 2023. Make sure to grab your ticket, invite your friends, and I'll see you there.

1:12Vulnerability is not weakness. It's about the willingness to show up and be seen when you can't control the outcome. And it is actually our greatest measure of courage. show up in an authentic way and let us see your hearts because we know how lonely you actually are. And you see in a lot of partnerships, I mean, I've seen it so much in my research, this contract we have where I'll stay smoking hot and awesome. And, you know, you do this and this is our contract and we're both in straight jackets till we die. But we remove those jackets. We just start getting real with each other. We just start being really honest and we see each other.

1:47We can't ever get rid of shame. What we can do is develop resilience to shame. So when it happens and it washes over that warm wash that makes you feel small and not enough, when that washes over me, rather than yelling at my kids or just decimating myself with hateful language, you know, and like, you're stupid. Now when it washes over me, I'm like, okay, I'm in shame. What's the process that someone should take on when they feel shame, anger, rage? First and foremost, talk to yourself like you talk to someone you love. If something happens and you're overwhelmed with shame, the first thing you need to do is get back on your emotional feet.

2:18Don't talk, text, or type to anyone because one of the things we want to do is push that down on other people. I'm guilty of that. Yeah, no, yeah. Just get into a dark, quiet place and then talk to yourself like you talked to someone you love. Just be like, dude, it's okay. Like, you screwed this up. What you said was super hurtful. You're going to have to circle back and clean that stuff up. But give yourself a break here. Then reach out and talk to someone about what you're feeling. Shame cannot survive being spoken. If I call you and I'm like, oh, my God, Louis, I'm in a shame storm. You're not going to believe what happened.

2:48And you listen to me and you respond empathically or empathetically with something like, oh, my God, I've been there. Or, oh, God, I get it. I'm sorry. That sucks. Shame can't hold on because shame can't survive empathy. For 25 years, I held on to the shame of being sexually abused by a man that I didn't know. I was like, if anyone knew this about me, my life was over. That's how shameful I felt, embarrassed and abused I felt from the experience. And when I finally had the courage to share it, it took me a couple of years to share it over and over many, many times. I don't feel shameful. I can talk about it openly and freely without feeling embarrassed, without feeling weak, soft, vulnerable.

3:29Because I own the experience and it's not something I have to hold in and react through rage because I can just share it. And I can communicate as opposed to hold into this. I think whenever I face anything I'm scared to talk about now, I just say, well, how can I talk about it? How can I journal? I like to journal first. Oh, that's huge. So no one can shame me, right? No one has to feel that. No, that's huge. Yeah. And then I start having conversations. When we have ownership over that shame, I feel like it doesn't own us anymore. So two choices. You own your story. You get to write the ending.

3:59You don't own the story. The story owns you. So then you talk about it now. So shame can't hold on. But then people see and hear you talking about it, and it gives them permission to talk about it. That's why shame cannot hold on to being spoken. And so your courage to talk about that deflates shame. It takes it out of the air. It's like filtering poison out of water because you've got the courage to speak up. And that's how it works. And that's how all of this works is that we own our story or it owns us.

4:39Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Daily Motivation, and I hope you have an amazing rest of your day. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description. That will take you to the full episode of our main podcast on The School of Greatness. And if you are loving The Daily Motivation, please follow us over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want more exclusive content and ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcast right now. And if you want to get even more inspiration from our world-class guests and learn how to improve your life and take it to the next level, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.

5:29Again, have an amazing day and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show. You