How To BREAK UP With Someone The RIGHT WAY | Katherine Woodward Thomas EP 436

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation show.

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0:54I love being in relationship with all types of human beings, men and women. I just love being in relationship. and the challenge with intimate relationships is that one of two things are going to happen you either get married or you're going to break up and they're both scary for people getting married or breaking up it's like they're both a challenge there's something you're letting go of and taking on when you do either once when we get to the point where we eventually uh you know if we're going to go through a breakup how do we do it in a way where there's love and beauty and grace How do you start the process of doing a breakup without it being painful?

1:35Oh. And is that possible? It's not possible. It's not possible. That's not possible. That's not a realistic goal. Pain is inevitable. Well, we're hardwired to bond. The latest studies in neurobiology show that when the people that we're hanging with the most, we actually sync up physiologically. Really? Yeah. So we start to, we're actually, our brains will start to hook up. Brains are social creatures. So if you're going to part ways, there's no way for that to not be incredibly painful. So conscious uncoupling is more about, okay, how are we going to suffer in an effective way? The pain is inevitable, but how do we do the suffering in a loving way?

2:19We don't want to have ineffective suffering. Yes. Okay, so ineffective suffering is when you take the bait of your biology. and you go to form. Which is strong. Very strong. Super strong. Strong. Right. And so you go into fight or flight and you want to lash out that soulmate to soul hate phenomenon. So you want to lash out but what it will do is create a negative bond and keep you just as invested but only this time through a toxic cycle of negativity. Constantly reinforcing negativity, yeah. Right. That's not healthy because you love the person. You don't want to hate them or be mad at them constantly.

2:53Yeah. I think where we want to go is, or I know where we want to go, is to be able to find a way to de-escalate the intensity of the emotions that we're feeling. How do we do that? When we are, you know, hardwired to be jealous or angry or just like reactive, how do we say, okay, I'm going to be in an home state right now and calm and meditate and not let any of this affect me? Well, one of the reasons it's so hard is because our relationships actually regulate our emotions. So when there's a rupture of attachment, You know that phenomenon, the one person who's hurting you the most, that's the person you want to see the most to comfort you.

3:31So because they are, you're hardwired to get regulated by that person. They're the one person who can comfort you and soothe you. Otherwise, you're the puppy in the corner just like depressed. Yeah, or enraged, right? Or freaking out. But I think you're saying like how do you deal with the anger and the rage and the jealousy, all of that stuff. So one of the things that I offer people is a simple technique called affect labeling in the psychological world, which is basically the ability to put a name on each of your feelings. An example is, first of all, there was a scientific study done where subjects were looking at a computer screen and they were seeing, you know, faces of horror, faces of rage, faces of hatred.

4:16and they were being monitored in all of their vitals and they're kind of going off the charts their blood pressure is rising and their heart rate is going and then they did another technique with this they have the same pictures to a new group but put a name hatred rage despair and the vitals did not go up in the same way so what that shows is that when we have a name for the experience that we're having, we don't get as overwhelmed. So language serves kind of as a container. So how would we use that in a breakup? So I have a practice where I just, it's very simply advise people to ask yourself, you know, Catherine, honey, what are you feeling right now?

5:03I'm feeling terrified. I can see that you're feeling terrified. Honey, what else are you feeling? I'm feeling so humiliated. oh i can see that you're so humiliated what else are you feeling i'm feeling really pissed okay okay i can see that you're feeling that what else are you feeling i feel exhilarated because we have all these feelings going on at once they don't have to get on with each other you know and then sometimes if the feelings are overwhelming i also give them people an opportunity to do this process of tunglen which is a buddhist process i'm not buddhist myself but it's a beautiful practice that Pima Chodron actually made very popular.

5:47If you breathe a certain feeling into your heart, so I feel despair, I'm going to breathe despair in. I'm not going to turn away from it. And on the out breath, I'm going to breathe out a blessing to everyone in the world who in this very moment is suffering with this very feeling, including myself. And it starts to be like you can start to hold the feeling more because you've made a bigger playing field, and you see it as an impersonal experience. and then you become, you know, a force of good. Ideally, what happens is we want to harvest the seeds of growth that are inside of each of our feelings.

6:21So, for instance, the feeling of rage, there's something underneath it, like a violation has occurred and there's a part of us that's saying, I should be treated better. I deserve respect. I deserve that my feelings should matter to the people that love me and that I've opened my life up to. and I deserve to have better. So that can actually become a stand then that you take. Yeah. Because we're going to move into self-responsibility. How is I giving my power away? How is it okay? How is I treating people to disrespect me? All of that kind of thing. Sure. Right? So you want to harvest the seeds of growth.

6:57So every action we take, every choice that we make in that moment when we're in a breakup is planting a seed for the future. Wow. And a lot of people who end up in that negative spiral where you're years later fighting and back in court and stuff is because at the very beginning, people planted bad seeds of hatred and rage. And that's what that grows in your backyard. And you're eating those bitter fruits for years to come. Right, right. So it becomes actually self-destructive. It's meant to hurt somebody else in the way that you feel hurt, but it becomes self-destructive. And so one of the principles in step one of conscious uncoupling is, do no harm and plant good seeds.

7:50Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Daily Motivation, and I hope you have an amazing rest of your day. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description. That will take you to the full episode of our main podcast on The School of Greatness. And if you are loving the daily motivation, please follow us over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want more exclusive content and ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want to get even more inspiration from our world-class guests and learn how to improve your life and take it to the next level, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.

8:41Again, have an amazing day and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.