How To Build Relationships That Lead To Success | Keith Ferrazzi EP 224

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation show.

0:10I firmly believe that taking charge of your mindset allows you to be in the driver's seat of your life and unlock your potential. And that's why I'm thrilled to share that my new book is out right now. It's called The Greatness Mindset. In it, you'll learn how to build a plan for greatness through powerful exercises and toolkits designed to propel your life forward. This is the book that I wish I had 20 years ago. It's everything I've learned in the last decade with the research and the science to help you unlock your mind. Make sure to go to lewishouse.com slash 2023mindset to pick up your copy of my book, The Greatness Mindset, today.

0:51First rule of a relationship, no one wants one with you. Now, if you make that acceptance from the beginning, who the hell was I? Poor kid from Pittsburgh. Why did anybody want a relationship with me? I had to bust my butt to get people to want a relationship with me. I had to work on charisma. I had to work on volunteering my time. I had to work on authentic flattery, letting people know how I admired them, make them feel good about themselves with me around. I mean, that's what this young kid had to do. And then I had to go over and say, and by the way, can I show up at your office and work for free on the weekends?

1:26Anything. Anything. You've got to bait the hook. Rodney Dangerfield used to say he was so ugly that his mother used to have to tie a pork chop around his neck to get the dog to play with him. Right? I had to realize that early on. What was my pork chop? Any relationship I wanted, I had to make sure that I led with generosity. Now, once I showed up, then they will judge you based on whether or not they want to be with you. Now is when you start letting your guard down, be authentic, care. So intimacy, generosity, candor, and accountability. intimacy and generosity are the two accelerants of the relationship you lead with generosity you follow with care and I actually work before I meet somebody to think about how will I like this person not will I like this person but how will I what elements of what they do do I admire what do I know about them how will I humanize them in my head so that I'm walking in looking in their eyes and the sparkle is already there it's like I like this dude or this gal I already like him before I see him.

2:24And if I psych myself into that and I walk in with that way with what I call five packets of generosity, meaning I've researched this individual and I've identified five things that I think I could do to be helpful, which through the dialogue, I will figure out whether those five ways I can be helpful. Then I'm like high five. And I've now earned the right to build an ongoing relationship, which now means follow up or fail, get back to them, continue to be generous, continue to stay on the radar screen. Many of the CEOs in the Fortune 100, my company, actually helps them manage the 1 ,000 most important people to the growth of their corporation.

3:01I have a system, I have a team, I have individuals that are just constantly doing this. My whole marketing department is putting our strategy to work. That's all it is. It takes money, it takes time today to do it at the scale that we do it at. But just start, you know, 25 names, 25 names. Yeah. I've always been a glutton for insight, input, and coaching. I had some great coaches early on athletically. I had some great teachers, some great mentors, some great friends constantly giving me real input. And I was always the kind of person that showed up and said, tell me more, critique me more. I want to learn more, right?

3:36I want to make sure that I keep growing, keep getting better. We're behavioralists at our company. We don't kind of give it why you do what you do. I want to change the way you do one day at a time. I have a men's support group that I go to facilitated by a behavioralist. And what we do is every day we have, you know, by the back of my wallet is a list of my defects of character. And those defects of character are things that I'm working on in leadership, in my family, you know, in my personal relationships, etc. In the morning, I wake up, say a prayer, and I look at my list. And I try to imagine scenarios I'm going to be in during the day where these things will come up.

4:15And I make promises to myself of how I'll behave in that situation. During the day, I have a buddy that is not my behavioral coach, but it's actually another buddy of mine, a lifeline, who I will pick up the phone and I will call. We have a commitment to call each other every day. And I'll say, here's how my defects of character are showing up today. And then when I go to bed at night, I say a prayer, and I re-look at all the places they were present, and I ask myself, who do I owe an apology to as a result of that? And then I start the next day over again. That's kind of diligence of behavior change.

4:48Imagine if the world practiced this. That's what makes me a better entrepreneur every day. It's what makes me a better spouse every day, which makes me a better father every day. And I'm just not saying I'm that good. I got a long way to go. And that's why I had that commitment. Emotional intelligence is one thing that's critical. Your social style is critical. But your relational competency is also a little different, and it's equally as critical. What is that? So are you the kind of individual that creates an environment around yourself that invites people in? And what's going on in your head when I say, what do you do that doesn't invite people in?

5:26Right? Big shotism, like we talked about, that doesn't invite people in. Yeah, ego. Right? Ego doesn't invite people in. Being judgmental wouldn't invite somebody in. Being standoffish, being aggressive, you know, all those things don't invite someone in. Your relational competency is really contingent upon your ability to be that natural person that invites someone in. That doesn't mean that you're gregarious. That doesn't mean you walk into a room and anybody notices you. It's one of those individuals that you don't quickly forget once you do get introduced. It's about divorcing yourself from self and from ego.

5:57And by looking at another person and being curious, and by looking at another person and caring about them before you even know who they are. Some people are hardwired in that brain to be tribal with humanity. Because what we're talking about when we're talking about building relationships and accelerating them is inviting people into your tribe. When I am at my dinner parties, I create a tribe of those there. A tribe is an intimate, caring, connected sense of community. And some people just emanate it. And it's a mindset that they have. These are mindsets. You don't think your way into a new way of acting.

6:32you act your way into a new way of thinking. What I would suggest, if you want to be that kind of person, go practice. Everything boils down to the practice. Practice with the UPS guy. Make sure that you learn what it's like to let your stupid guard down and divorce those defects of character and take risks.

6:58Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Daily Motivation, and I hope you have an amazing rest of your day. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description. That will take you to the full episode of our main podcast on The School of Greatness. And if you are loving The Daily Motivation, please follow us over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want more exclusive content and ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcast right now. And if you want to get even more inspiration from our world-class guests and learn how to improve your life and take it to the next level, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.

7:48Again, have an amazing day and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.

7:59Thank you.