How to Deal With Jealousy & Insecurity | Jordan Peterson EP 347

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1:14Is there room for jealousy and insecurity in a relationship? Is there a healthy amount of jealousy that people should have in a relationship? or does jealousy and insecurity only cause more suffering and pain in a relationship? I think jealousy probably causes more trouble than good, but that doesn't mean that there's something wrong with the proprietary interest. Should you care if your partner pays undue attention to someone they find attractive? Well, probably you should care. They might even be happy about that because it indicates that you noticed and that it matters to you. I think it shades into jealousy when it's interactions that would be regarded as harmless by a third-party observer, let's say.

2:02I know that's a very difficult line to draw that are being magnified as a consequence of insecurity on the part of the observer. Or there's envy where your partner is attracting attention, status, success, any of those things, and you're jealous of that. that's not helpful. The optimal situation is for you to be pleased when your partner is successful. I don't think competition between people who are in a monogamous relationship is useful, particularly. It's not zero-sum competition. I mean, you can compete in a game-like sense. Right. Fun, playful competition, but not better than your life. Yeah, but not existential competition.

2:44You're on the same team. That's the point. Right. You know, and if one of you is feeling left behind for one reason or another, it's time to throw that out on the table and say, look, I'm playing second fiddle here far too often. What can we do about that? And like, I've got an adventure. It looks like you need one too. Well, how can we rearrange the situation so I have my adventure? And then it's up to that person too, to figure out what obstacles they might be putting up in their own pathway that's stopping them. And then they have, you know, they're angry at you for getting in the way, but it's actually a consequence of them using you as a convenient excuse for not doing something difficult.

3:23Those things all have to be sorted through. It's very hard. These conversations are extremely difficult. It's no wonder people avoid them. I also think people are not taught to negotiate at all. And that's a real shame. First of all, you figure out what you want. This is what I want. Then you tell the person, then you strategize with them so that you can get what you want and they can get what they want and you both know what that is and away you go together. It's usually obscured and hidden and comes out awkwardly and with difficulty if it comes out at all. And people fool themselves into thinking that it's okay what they're doing.

3:57I'm sacrificing myself for the children and that's okay. I'm sacrificing myself for my husband's career and that's okay. I'm working at a job I can't stand because I need to support my wife and children and that's okay. I mean, sometimes that is okay, but it has to be out, clear, in the open, talked about, negotiated, discussed. You can be a slave or a tyrant or you can negotiate. Those are your options. So we got to learn how to negotiate. Yeah, well, and then you have to notice that there are things that you want and you have to tell yourself what those are. And then you have to let the other person know.

4:31And then they can deprive you of them because they actually know who you are. And so that's a big risk. well if you do lay it out and negotiate it then you have two people working in the same direction and they each bring their different viewpoints to bear on the problem and sometimes that'll save you, you know, that additional cognitive complexity you have because there's two of you instead of one. It can make you much more effective.

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6:04Again, have an amazing day and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.