How To Find THE PERFECT RELATIONSHIP | Esther Perel EP 340

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to The Daily Motivation Show.

0:09Calling all conscious achievers who are seeking more community and connection, I've got an invitation for you. Join me at this year's Summit of Greatness this September 7th through 9th in my hometown of Columbus, Ohio to unleash your true greatness. This is the one time a year that I gather the greatness community together in person for a powerful, transformative weekend. People come from all over the world and you can expect to hear from inspiring speakers like Inky Johnson, Jospree Singh, Vanessa Van Edwards, Jen Sincero, and many more. You'll also be able to dance your heart out to live music, get your body moving with group workouts, and connect with others at our evening socials.

0:53So if you're ready to learn, heal, and grow alongside other incredible individuals in the greatness community, then you can learn more at lewishouse.com slash summit 2023. Make sure to grab your ticket, invite your friends, and I'll see you there.

1:16why are relationships seemingly so hard for so many people when it's the thing we need the most to feel alive to feel happy and to feel connected this is the million dollar question you know i'm a relationship therapist for 35 plus years i work with people in their romantic relationships family relationships, friendships, co-founder, colleagues, co-workers. So love and work, the two pillars of our life, as Freud said. And if I could just say, why is the simple feeling of loving or caring not enough? Because the entire human drama is really complex. The same way as nature is complex, so is human nature complex.

2:03I've spent my whole career studying what is changing in relationships? You know, are they more complicated today? Are they more painful today? You know, have our expectations changed? And that I have answers to. I don't have answers to why is it so... You know, but I do know... Is it more complicated now? Relationships? Yes. Yes, absolutely. Why? For a very simple reason. For a long time we live, and we're still in many parts of the world, live in traditional societies where relationships are clearly codified. There are clear rules. There are roles. There are obligations. There's a tight structure from which you can't get out, but it tells you clearly who you are, where you belong, where you're rooted, and what's expected of you.

2:53And you don't have too much questions about whose career matters more and who's going to wake up to feed the baby and who has a right to demand for sex. And every husband knows exactly what they can ask from their wife, and the wife knows exactly what she should not tell her husband and children know their place and adults can all interact. All of this was super regulated. This tight structure of our society has moved into what we call today network societies. Network societies is not tight knots, it's loose ends. It's loose threads with commitment that can be revoked at any moment. That's why your women are constantly writing to you.

3:31I thought we had something and the next day he disappears. Everything that was a rule is now a negotiation, a conversation. Who is going to go to work? Are we going to move you to the West Coast or are you going to move with me to the East Coast? Are we going to have children? Are we ready to have children? How many children? Do we even want children? You know, on and on and on. And all of these questions are rather new questions. Why? Because in the past or in other parts of the world today, you kind of know who you are. Seriously. you're the son of somebody even you're the son of somebody it starts with that ben you know and you probably will even do what your father has done if you are a man and maybe not do much of any of the outside the house if you are a woman or you may begin a charting course of working outside the house and all of these things are very very normative and now it's different we don't have any of that at this moment.

4:31Basically, I call it the identity economy. We spend our time trying to figure out who am I. We have an enormous industry of self-help, you know, with this belief that we are self-made, that we can have selfies, that we do self-care. It's this self, self, self that is so focused, such the center of everything and so fragile. The freaking self has never been more fragile. We are constantly making sure that it doesn't get overwhelmed, that it doesn't get triggered, that it doesn't get violated, that it doesn't get shattered because it stands there alone, like the little Dutchman with his finger trying to hold back the dike.

5:13You know, and that is the times I think we are in at this moment. And there, that's the waters I think you swim in.

5:33Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Daily Motivation, and I hope you have an amazing rest of your day. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description. that will take you to the full episode of our main podcast on the School of Greatness. And if you are loving the daily motivation, please follow us over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want more exclusive content and ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you wanna get even more inspiration from our world-class guests and learn how to improve your life and take it to the next level, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.

6:28Again, have an amazing day and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.