How To Heal Your Pain Before Your Next Relationship | Lewis Howes

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show.

0:11I used to think that chemistry meant compatibility, but man, was I wrong. And it doesn't mean you can't be compatible with chemistry, but if you connect through chemistry right away without understanding if you're compatible and values and vision, all these different things, it's going to end up being painful. And what I was really feeling was a familiar pain when I felt that chemistry in new relationships. Until I started to do the inner work. Until I started to face myself spiritually, physically, metaphorically. Until I started to do exercises and workshops and therapeutic experiences that allowed me to heal the pain that was inside of me.

1:00that had been wounded and broken for so long that never mended until I started to do more journaling and reflection and self-reflection and alone time with myself without distractions so I could really listen and face myself. Because it's hard to heal if you're always distracting yourself with the next thing that creates chemical feelings inside of your body. You need some space. You need some alone time. you need to be able to create experiences to reflect and think about why, how, who, what, and what you can do to start processing them, to start grieving these losses, to start creating healthy boundaries, to start improving yourself, to start creating new standards.

1:50You need that space and time. But if you distract yourself with other people or other problems or social media and you never take that alone time, it's going to be painful for a long time. And I wasn't, I was afraid to face myself. So I kept repeating the same mistakes over and over again in new relationships, thinking the new person was going to be different, but I was still at the center of all those new relationships. And I just repeated the same patterns, but with a different person. What doing the inner work really taught me was that I needed to fully heal and start loving myself in new ways where I would create boundaries and I wouldn't enter into relationship unless there were values that were aligned, unless there was a shared vision, unless there was a shared growth mindset.

2:40And what changed from my previous relationships where it was more of like, oh, there's a spark or there's a connection or there's some chemical feelings. Let's just jump in because this feels good. Versus starting to actually do things differently. Slow down. Allow for space and time for character behavior to show up and be revealed rather than creating a chemical bond through chemistry right away. And the practice of doing that before getting committed with Martha. Martha and I have been together for, I guess it's almost five years. And so people who are watching who've been in, we've been married for a year now, we've been together for almost five years.

3:25So I'm assuming people watching saying, well, wait till 10 years comes in, wait till kids, wait till 20 years happens. And yes, I get it, we are five years in. And so I'm speaking from experience of almost five years together. We now have twin girls that are almost three months old. And you're right. Everyone is right that when there is time and then there are kids, there's new challenges that arise. And it's been an amazing experience, but it doesn't mean there hasn't been challenges. But here's the thing. The biggest thing that has happened from my past is I was prepared for the challenges. and it doesn't mean then there's going to be potentially more challenges as my kids get older and they develop there's going to be different challenges but because I've been on a healing journey and because I partnered with Martha and I made a commitment with her and saying hey we are entering our relationship in therapy which is kind of unheard of but I was just like I'm sick and tired of getting into relationships, creating a chemical bond without having a clear vision of our values together and making sure we're in alignment on those values.

4:40And so we created a commitment to join therapy together in the beginning. I was doing my own healing journey and I was doing my practices and I felt like I was in a really good place. She was doing her own healing journey and she had her own therapist that she was in a good place with as well. But I I said, listen, I don't want to jump into a committed relationship without some type of therapeutic support just to create clear communication, to make sure we're in alignment on these things, to make sure that we have certain tools to be able to communicate and handle challenges when they happen. Because challenges are going to come in your life.

5:18Even if you're with the perfect partner, even if you're dating someone who is incredible and so loving and kind and generous and they give you the world, there's going to be some challenge that happens in the future. And I just want you to be prepared emotionally, physically, spiritually to have the tools to do your best when those challenges arise.

5:44I have a brand new book called Make Money Easy. and if you're looking to create more financial freedom in your life, you want abundance in your life and you want to stop making money hard in your life, but you wanna make it easier, you wanna make it flow, you wanna feel abundant, then make sure to go to makemoneyeasybook.com right now and get yourself a copy. I really think this is gonna help you transform your relationship with money this moment moving forward. We have some big guests and content coming up. Make sure you're following. And thank you for listening to this episode of The Daily Motivation Show.

6:27Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Daily Motivation, and I hope you have an amazing rest of your day. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description. that will take you to the full episode of our main podcast on the School of Greatness. And if you are loving the daily motivation, please follow us over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want more exclusive content and ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want to get even more inspiration from our world-class guests and learn how to improve your life and take it to the next level, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.

7:17Again, have an amazing day and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.