How to Keep the SPARK ALIVE in Long-Term Partnerships | Esther Perel EP 670

0:03Hey everyone, this is Lewis Howes and I am so excited to invite you to the Summit of Greatness 2024 for happening at the iconic Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles, California. This is more than just an event. It's a powerful experience designed to ignite your passion, boost your growth, and connect you with a community of other inspiring achievers. Join us Friday, September 13th, and Saturday, September 14th for two days packed with inspiration and transformation from some of the most incredible speakers on the planet. Don't miss out on this chance to elevate your life, unlock your potential, and be part of something truly special.

0:38Make sure to get your tickets right now and step into greatness with us at the Summit of Greatness 2024. Head over to lewishouse.com slash tickets and get your tickets today, and I will see you there. Hi, my name is Lewis Howes, and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show.

1:01The biggest turn on is confidence. Right. Confidence. You ask people, when do you find yourself most drawn to your partner? Every description has to do with when they're in their element, when they're on stage, when they're doing their sport, when they are radiant, when they are in their studio, on the piano, on the horse, you name it. It's when they are in their element, i.e. they don't need me to take care of them. they're not depressed and down and lonely and sad they're not needy they don't need me because desire is about wanting you love is also about needing you caretaking is a very powerful experience in love and it is a very powerful anti-aphrodisiac so how do you experience love and desire at the same time you calibrate it it's the same as when you walk you have to move from one foot to the other.

1:53A balance is not about staying on one side. A balance is the ability to see right now, we don't need caretaking. We can be mischievous. We can be naughty. We can be playful. We can break our own rules. We can stay home and not go to work at eight o 'clock. And now we are in a playful zone. We are alive. We're not just being dutiful, responsible, good citizens. It's that. It's very small. When I go and I see people at lunch and you see them talking and they're well-dressed and they're awake and all. I see who is here with their partner. You can see them. They're engaged. They're giving the best of themselves.

2:26That's erotic. No, the majority are not there with their partner. They're there with their friends, with their colleagues. Their partner is going to get the leftover when they come home at night. Sorry, you know what? Forget the night date. Meet at lunch when you actually have energy. And in the middle of the day like that, when you're awake, when you have something to offer, it's a very small thing, but they don't do it. They don't do it. And you say, why not? Why not? Why don't you stay an hour extra at home in the morning and not just because when you have a headache and just say this matters to me?

2:56All in all, you know, committed sex is premeditated sex. It's not just going to happen because whatever is going to just happen already has. So you're going to make it happen because you say we matter. We're important. Let's do this. Let's spend. Doesn't mean if you're going to make love or have sex. It just means we're going to take this hour and there's nothing else that matters in this moment, but just you and I to be together, to check in. And then we'll see what unfolds. That's the erotic space in which sex may happen, probably will, doesn't have to, but it is the place from which it is much more likely to emerge.

3:31But people don't do that. They do the responsibility. That's the love, right? The citizen, the commitment, the caretaker, the burdens, the safe. And then they say, I'm bored. I would be too. Exactly. There's no mystery. There's no risk-taking, right? Exactly, yeah. There's no risk-taking. That's the word. If you want desire, it's risk. And the risk is an emotional risk. It's not about sexy risks. It's really a risk on the emotional front, is that I bring something else to you differently from the way I typically present myself. Sure. You know, what can I do today that will be different from the ways that I've done it until now?

4:12How can I do something that I think would actually improve our relationship? Me, right? Not something that I want or that you want, but that I think would be actually good for us, that third entity, the us, right? And you check. Every time, how often do you just go on the tried and trodden, as in, you know, it works. Sex that just works for most people is really not interesting enough. Right. Because what does it mean it works generally? Right. What about the people listening who are saying, man, that sounds like a lot of work, that every day you have to change, do something different and unique.

4:48Not every day. Not every day. But what you can do every day is just a quick check with yourself. You know, is there something that I should notice? Is there something that I can be thankful for? Is there a little note that I could write? Is there, you know, just a way that I can show up? It's small. It's really small. Here's the thing. there is work and then there is the creative work. I'm talking about a level that is creative and that elevates you and that actually gives you, you feel taller. You just feel like you're engaged. You feel awake. Here's the essential word is curiosity. When you're curious, you lean forward and you watch, you're open to the mysteries of life.

5:34When people say it's too much work, I basically say, look, if I was to say this in your business, would you say this is too much work? Or you would say, that's very good advice. This is high rate consulting fees. It's like, excuse me. But you don't think for a minute that your business would thrive if you let it languish like that. Never. You have a reward system. You have incentives. Bonuses. You have bonuses. But there is no incentivized system in the private domain. So people just think, why bother? And that's the difference is that the ones who have good relationships are the ones who created their own internal incentivized system.

6:20Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Daily Motivation. And I hope you have an amazing rest of your day. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description. That will take you to the full episode of our main podcast on the School of Greatness. And if you are loving the daily motivation, please follow us over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want more exclusive content and ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want to get even more inspiration from our world-class guests and learn how to improve your life and take it to the next level, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.

7:15Again, have an amazing day, and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.