How To Let Go Of Fear & Step In The Unknown | Bozoma Saint John

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0:50How did you learn to, I guess, embrace it in a different way or have a different relationship with motherhood? Or do you still have that same kind of feeling from 10 years ago? You know, How did you experience it? Yeah. Oh, man. Well, everything was so dramatic at the time that even my own thought of motherhood changed dramatically. I do remember actually the moment it happened. I was sitting in our bed, and it was shortly after the funeral, and people had gone home, and it was super quiet. I was still on bereavement leave. and um layelle had climbed into my bed you know was sleeping next to me and i remember like looking at her and just thinking like like oh my god i have to do this by myself wow you know and the terror of that because again in all honesty peter was the one who wanted children i wasn't sure i wanted kids you know and then all of a sudden i was like oh okay oh so i i oh so you decide you And left me here.

1:59You got to put this on me. You hear me? And left me here with her. What am I supposed to do now? And looking at her and feeling that terror and anger and confusion, uncertainty, and thinking, God, she's four. I got to do this for a long time by myself. And also feeling like I didn't have any answers. You know, feeling like I was ill-prepared for it. And so I did probably what mothers shouldn't do. And I shook her awake. She was asleep. Oh, she was asleep. It was middle of the night. She was asleep. You woke her up. I woke her up. Yeah, I woke her up. And I was like, and I didn't know what to say, but I just looked at her and she's like sleeping and looking like, yes, mom, you know, all innocent.

2:45Look at him. And she's got these big doe eyes and she's like looking at me all sweetly. And I was like, I don't know what I'm doing. You said this to her. Yeah, I said this to her. I'm like, I don't know what I'm doing. She's looking at me and clearly uncomprehending, right? I'm like, I don't know what I'm doing and I need your help. I need your help. And she's like, okay. And I was like, I need you to tell me whatever you need. I need us to communicate, okay? Because I don't know how to figure out how to do this. So we're going to do it together. And all she said was, okay, mommy. and she went right back to sleep.

3:25That was the moment everything changed for me. Because the thing is, I think before that, I had seen her as like a responsibility. You know, like I was supposed to step into this role of motherhood and like have the answers and know the thing and lead the way. But that moment, I just felt so inadequate and so lost. And the one person who I felt could help me was the person I'm supposed to be responsible for. And so it changed our relationship because even at four, at that point, literally the next day, I was like, okay, now look, here's what's going on. What do you think of this? And it became more of a partnership, a partnership in raising her than me having all the answers all the time.

4:08It also freed me from having to always be perfect. You know, that like I could grieve in front of her and I could be confused in front of her and I could say, I don't know, what do you think? You know, or like when, you know, a few years later, things got super busy and I was not available and, you know, I'm running around and other people were critical of the fact that like, you know, I'm like this working mom who's out in the world all the time and where's my kid, you know? And like, I could go to her and say like, hey, so what do you think about this? are you upset with me? This is terrible.

4:49This is a terrible experience. Good feedback. Yeah, and also give her the power to tell me. It dynamically changed the way we are. Now she's 13 and a half and has a very big say in how we are and what we do. And she's just such a blessing. She's a wonderful person. And I would absolutely be her friend if I wasn't her mom. You know, like I love her not just because I'm supposed to. I love her because she's an awesome human being. I really value our relationship. What's the biggest lesson she's taught you? Oh, man. That you don't have to be perfect in order to do a good job.

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6:35Again, have an amazing day and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.