How To Master Your Confidence | Simon Sinek

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation show.

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0:49I think it's ironic that we call it self-confidence because I don't, for one, think it comes from the inside. I think our self-confidence comes from the outside. We are being misdirected by the name. When we say build your self-confidence, the instruction is saying go inside, look inside oneself. I think that's a false direction. Children aren't born self-confident. Their confidence is built from their parents and their friends and their teachers, where they're rewarded when they do well and they're pushed when they fail. We know this, that simply telling kids that they're great all the time actually doesn't build self-confidence, it actually does the total opposite.

1:28I can tell you, in my own experience, my own self-confidence 100 % comes from the relationships that I have. It's not some deep internal fortitude. A world-famous trapeze artist is not going to try a brand new death-defying act for the first time without a net. It's when I do doubt myself that somebody says, you got this. When somebody says, I believe in you. When somebody says, no matter what happens, whether it succeeds or fails, I'm going to be by your side. That's when I have the confidence to do difficult things. Wow. We will build our confidence with an act of service. So I have a very dear friend who has stuck with me through thick and thin.

2:06She was struggling, like seriously struggling. Career wasn't going the way she wanted. Her personal relationship was struggling. We would get together on a regular basis and I would attempt to coach her. And she'd feel great for the hour after she left me. And then it would very quickly go back to normal. I went to her and I said, I need your help. I'm struggling. I don't have a coach that I love and trust. You've known me for years. I trust you with everything. Can you put together a program and can you coach me? I think you're good at it. And something profound started to happen. Over the course of just a few weeks, it wasn't even a few months, but over the course of a few weeks, she started to gain way more confidence.

2:45Her career started to really move in a more positive direction. Her relationship firmed up. And the more that she was in service to me, the more that she grew herself. So she was coaching you and you saw a change with over a few weeks of her confidence. It goes back to the root of the question. How do you overcome self-doubt? Help someone else overcome self-doubt. I love that. We are naturally tribal animals. We actually are at our best when we are in service to each other in a cause greater than ourselves. The more we focus on what we're lacking, what we don't have, what's not working for us, the challenges we're going through, the more doubt we're going to have.

3:18Correct. When we're inwardly focused on what we don't have. The analogy for living with an infinite mindset is not about winning. The better analogy is exercise. How do you be a healthy person? Well, you have to eat well, get enough sleep. You have to nurse your personal relationships and you have to exercise. If you do some of those things, you'll be healthier than doing none of those things. But you kind of have to do them all, right? Living an infinite mindset is the same thing. There's a series of practices. Do some, you'll be better than none. But you kind of have to do them all, right? And the way the finite mindset fits into it is I want to get into shape.

3:52I've been sitting on the couch for most of my life watching TV. I'm going to get into shape. And I have a fitness goal, a finite goal that I can easily measure my weight. I can look at a scale and I can measure the progress. And I've made the goal that I'm going to lose this amount of weight by this date. And so I commit to a healthy lifestyle. I eat better. I exercise more. I'm getting more sleep and I'm watching the weight fall off. And I miss my goal. I don't lose the amount of weight that I wanted to lose by the day time. So what? You're still healthier and you're on the road to being healthier.

4:24And I can see for a fact that you absolutely will hit the goal later on. And even if you hit the goal, the problem is you can't stop exercising. You have to do it for the rest of your life. That's what an infinite mindset is. An infinite mindset is more like a lifestyle, which is yes, absolutely. Having finite goals is very important. We are absolutely driven by goals. We like measuring things. It is much easier to get into the lifestyle of exercise and the habit of it if I have metrics. But it's not about winning. It's not actually about the goal. Goals and metrics are simply a way to help us measure speed and distance.

4:59I've lost this amount of weight over this amount of time. You cannot run a marathon without mile markers. It's unnerving. The mile markers help me measure how far I've gone. How far I've gone and how fast have I gone. And the metrics we have at work help us measure how far we're moving and how fast we're moving towards a vision that is, for all practical purposes, unrealizable. That's the infinite game. There's a context. And so when we beat ourselves up because we miss an arbitrary number by an arbitrary date, are we building a healthy organization? And I would rather organizations do all the right things to build a healthy organization, even if they miss arbitrary dates.

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6:36Again, have an amazing day and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.