How To Not WASTE Your Life | Brene Brown EP 797

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show. Today's episode is all about healing your past. Our past is what made us into who we are today, but that doesn't mean avoiding it is ever the proper solution. Healing past trauma can be extremely transformational for so many people. And I invite you to give yourself grace and find healing today. One thing I've learned in my research above all else is that in the absence of love and belonging, there's always suffering. For me, not making the drill team when I was, I think it was in eighth grade, by itself is not a lot, but how my family responded to it.

0:48It was like when things changed for me and I didn't feel like I belonged to my family anymore. So I think that I still am trying to figure it out. I don't know that I've interviewed anyone, even spiritual leaders, who have the belonging thing completely nailed. Because I don't think it is what we think it is. I don't think that it's having a big posse of friends or having a crew or rolling with a bunch of people. I think I'm still trying to figure it out because I still feel lonely and alone and on the outside of things on a really regular basis. Really? What I've learned in doing the research on belonging is that belonging is being a part of something bigger than yourself.

1:30But it's also the courage to stand alone and to belong to yourself. I belong to me. So even when I feel alone and I wonder, like, who's my crew and who are my people? I belong to me for sure. For the first time in my life, maybe. I was so shocked to learn in the research that the opposite of belonging is fitting in. because fitting in is assessing a group of people and thinking, who do I need to be? What do I need to say? What do I need to wear? How do I need to act? And changing who you are. And true belonging never asks us to change who we are. It demands that we be who we are. Because if we fit in because how we've changed ourselves, that's not belonging because you betrayed yourself for other people.

2:15And that's not sustainable. You have to show up as who you are. How do we find out who we are? That's the life's work, right? That's freaking hard. It's a quote that is, Braving the Wilderness is all about this, starts with this quote from Maya Angelou, that we're never free until we belong nowhere. We belong everywhere, which is nowhere, which is no place at all, which I thought was a terrible quote for many years. And I was like, why are you saying that, Dr. Angelou? But then I realized the cost is high, but the reward is great. I think that's the thing, that I feel like I belong everywhere I go, no matter where it is or who I'm with, as long as I never betray myself.

2:58And the minute I become who you want me to be in order to fit in and make sure people like me is the moment I no longer belong anywhere. And that is hard. I mean, that's a hard practice. That's an everyday practice. What would you say is the time in your life you've been the most alone? High school. My daughter just graduated from high school, and she had this amazing experience. You know, just incredible experience. And it was so healing to watch. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, and I think it happened because I think she had the confidence to put herself out there. And, you know, student council president, you know, that kind.

3:39I think because we have a rule at our house that no matter what, you belong here. No matter how goofy, awkward, afraid, wrong, it doesn't matter. You belong here. And so I think when we give our kids a platform like that at home, it gives them the courage to take risks outside of home. In my world growing up, you only did two things. You were a cheerleader or you were on the drill team. And preferably you married a running back or a quarterback. I mean, that was the way it went. And so for me, I probably would have been like president of the French club, you know, or I would have been in debate or those kinds of things.

4:15Oh, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Photographer, the yearbook. Yeah. But those things did not have a lot of value. Really? Not, no. Your parents didn't instill that it was something credible or worthwhile. No, it's just, I, cool was the number one value at home. Lots of friends, popular. Yeah. And that just wasn't my, I wasn't that thing. You know, I was, yeah, I wasn't. And so what I did is I just started drinking, smoking weed, hanging out with, you know, I found a place to be, you know, cool. And, you know, that just goes bad fast. We did not do vulnerability growing up. Really? No, no, no, no. Like, yeah, like our family motto was literally lock and load.

4:56Like, get ready, you know, family trips. You're in the car for five hours. It's all six of us. You really have to go to the bathroom. But the rest stop is on the other side of the highway. We're not pulling over. Like, suck it up. Hold it. Like we'd fall down and get hurt. You know, my dad would say like, I got bigger scratches than that on my eyeball. You know, like, yeah, like, and we were, and we were taught to outrun vulnerability. We were taught to suck it up, soldier on, get her done. Yeah. And so however hard that was for me growing up, imagine what it was like for my parents in the fifties.

5:30You know, my dad, who was the youngest of six, his dad died when he was 16. Was he able to process that or no? No, you just did the next thing you do. Played football, played college ball. My mom, who's my grandmother, who I named my daughter after, was an alcoholic. And she was drunk every other day of my mom's life. But she was the most amazing person in the world. But everyone knew she was an alcoholic, so my mom wasn't allowed to have friends at her house growing up. Because it was the 50s, and she was divorced. And so my mom became the head of the drill team and the valedictorian. And so however hard it was for me growing up having to try to outrun vulnerability, it was a million times harder on my parents.

6:11They did what they knew how to do. And they loved us as much as they could love us with the tools they had. I think the hard part comes from people that I've interviewed my whole life where the parents don't grow and change. And they see anything a child trying to do differently as criticism of what they did. as opposed to my parents who lean in and say, tell me more about that. When Ellen was little, we used to do this thing where we would say, Lewis, you have two choices. You can either hand me the water, I'm going to have to take it from you. What is your choice? So that if you decide not to hand it to me and I have to take it, it's not my fault.

6:47That was your choice, right. And so one night I was talking to Ellen and we were at my dad's house in San Antonio. And I was like, Ellie, you need to turn off Dora the Explorer. It's time to go to bed. And she's like, mm-mm. And I said, Ellen, you have two choices. is you can get up and turn off the TV or I'm going to get it up and turn it off for you. And if I have to get up and, you know, turn off the TV, you're going to lose privileges to watch it tomorrow. And that's your choice. Yeah, that's your choice. So, you know, and I would hate that for you, but that will be your choice. And my dad was sitting in the recliner next to me.

7:14He's like, sis, what are you raising, a hostage negotiator? I was like, dad. And he's like, seriously, Renee, we had four of y 'all. We didn't have time for that. So the next day I come home, I'm visiting friends in San Antonio and he's watching Ellen. And he's in the driveway. It's like 110 degrees in San Antonio. And he's sweating. He's like, Alan, you have two choices. You can either put the bicycle up or I'm going to have to put it up for you. And the second one's a Dutch choice. So I was like, wow, you're so close. You're getting there. You're getting there. You're getting there. My parents are amazing in that way that like they're learning and changing.

7:48So I think it's harder when parents say, I'm done. What you got was what you got. No apologies. No change. Take it or leave it. Take it or leave it. And if you do it differently with your own kids, you're a sucker.

8:03I am so excited for you to finish the rest of your day strong. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description and it'll take you to the full episode of my other show, The School of Greatness. Make sure to come back tomorrow for another episode of The Daily Motivation Show.

8:29Thank you.