How To Set Boundaries & Take Control Of Your Emotions | Nicole LePera EP 745

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show.

0:12Today's episode is all about unlocking the power of your mind. Having a growth mindset is one of the most crucial decisions you can make in your life. Mental toughness can allow you to respond instead of react, to be in control instead of out of control, and give you the endurance you need to follow your dreams.

0:38the way I came to know that I had a lot of my lack-based mindset was because we still remember so I have people who reach out to me like oh my gosh if I can't remember how will I heal so I don't have a visual memory I can't go back in time and when I talk about inner child work and you go back to heal you don't need the memory to heal the way that I see it because we all are a walking memory whether it's in my habits based on our reactions our triggers our patterns patterns, the thoughts that we frequently think. So a lot of my would have orbit around lack based or not having type of things, lack of consideration.

1:14So we can see evidence of our past, whether or not we see our past in that word visual. Yes. I mean, if we all look at ourself and our patterns, and I'm always talking about developing self-observation to do that, all of our clues are there. Our past is present with us. And that's why we're stuck. And that's why we can't, the way I say it, at least that's why a lot of us struggle to move forward. And that's why I hear the word stuck probably more often than I hear any word spoken. We have to become conscious to ourselves because we're in our autopilot 95 % of the day if we're not conscious. And that's going to be the program.

1:49I mean, the computer analogy is, I think, the one that we all understand the most. That's going to be the program that we're running day after day after day. So without consciousness, there is no change. And then becoming conscious to our patterns we are incredibly habitual creatures as humans whether it's our daily habits you know behavioral habits whether or not it's our patterned thoughts that a lot of us have we all tend to think the same content type thoughts and then the way i say is they induce feelings actual changes in our body's physiology and our neurotransmitters and our stress hormones and then that becomes our normal and that becomes our stuck place so without consciousness i don't think change happens I am always a believer and I explore this within myself a lot how much is the past necessary and I keep coming to the conclusion that it's necessary that becoming self-observational understanding I think that developing a through a mindfulness-based meditation practice is incredibly helpful because it actually helps us to fire up our brain in a new way that then allows for self-observation throughout the day because I don't think there's no magic cushion there's no magic anything.

2:56The way I say it, we can't do something once and then expect my day to look different magically because I've meditated in the morning. Yeah, there's some gains and some peace. I mean, a joke you made, oh, I meditate in the morning so I can calm my mind. Yeah, we get a little residual, carry out, carry away from sitting and meditating. But if I'm not watching myself throughout the day and if I don't train myself to watch myself throughout the day, to watch my patterns, to watch the thoughts that are causing those emotional reactions, especially to see when I'm triggered, just when I'm having a big feeling about a current event.

3:28Typically, the feeling is really big because it's about the meaning assigned to the event, the similarity of this now event based on my past experiences. So there's always a reason why things are way bigger than they maybe ought to be logically in that moment. And then that's where we dive in and give ourselves some new, either releasing the emotional valve, soothing our own emotional wounds in that moment, not looking outside of anyone or anything else to make us feel better. At least that's the way that I view it. We are social creatures as humans. We actually benefited quite greatly from having tribes as we were evolving in terms of safety and division of labor.

4:09So as I see it, we need, quote unquote, little n. We little n need relationships. But I think what interdependence means to me is being able to be a self-reliant and resilient, you know, a human meeting all my physical, emotional needs separately. And then having that shared space of relationship. My family was, and a very large reason why I'm not able or I choose now not to have contact with them is they are so enmeshed and codependent where there's just no boundary and direct and indirect messaging that I got growing up was that I was responsible for other people's feelings in particular. So for me, evolving out of that and starting to separate myself off and just see myself as a self-contained human also meant then showing up differently in my relationships, putting up the word we all love to hate, which is boundaries and learning how to carve out space, not only physical space where my needs might be different than another person's needs in that given moment, but more importantly, emotional space.

5:10And that's, I think, a struggle that a lot of us have. The thing I will always say first and foremost is boundaries suck, especially when you're creating them with our families. I mean, these are dynamics that have been set in place for as long as some of us have walked the earth. So when we change a dynamic that's already one way, it sucks even more. However, I say that because it's uncomfortable to put up boundaries and to start to define limits of what it will no longer work for you. But what I see that saving ultimately over time, so the immediate discomfort, that's really uncomfortable for some of us.

5:43It might be immediate for years. It might be. Yeah. But the way I say it, on the other side is a much more sustainable relationship. Because even in the description you said, right, I start to feel resentful, taken advantage of. And the problem there is I then look to these people who are taking advantage of me or not respecting me or not giving me something back. And I get mad at them. And then the relationship suffers. But unfortunately, I have to look at me. and the role that I played in continuing to show up in a situation that wasn't working for me. When I say it's been a hard year, I mean, I have moments, you know, the holidays, and there's the positive and the negative of that now, you know, on the one hand, it's like, oh, I can actually choose what I want to do for the holiday.

6:23That was completely new. Me and my partner are starting to make our own traditions because a requirement of family is everything is you better believe you're showing up for the big Italian Christmas gathering. So I was given little flexibility to have space apart around holidays but obviously the other side of that came sadness knowing that my family was having a holiday without me with my nephew who's young there i mean it's it's it's complicated on a lot of levels talking bad about you or i know i will always say this as children i believe we come to this planet however you think we get here as adaptive intuitive creatures yeah of course we all have a guidance system and we all are incredibly flexible and adaptive.

7:02So I adapted. I dealt with my own emotions my own way, which was I dissociated. So some people though in adulthood can find the way to show up with their families. I talk a lot about depersonalizing, simply meaning not owning it. Even if they say something negative to you, if you can see that as more of a reflection of them, you can maybe come and go and leave that interaction and be okay enough. You know what to expect. You're thrive, you deal with it. You laugh at the situation. I think humor is incredible. And then you leave. I did not find myself able though for that. I did not want to use my old habit of dissociation.

7:41And then like I said, because of just the living structure and just the in-depth ingrainedness of their dynamics. So part of what would happen, I would go back to visit and then my partner would notice this as well. And I would then become almost regressed and become reactive. So I was trying to heal, but I would only get so far and then I'd be pulled right back down. Or the next health crisis, I'd be pulled right back in. So my healing was limited. So this year has been incredible for me to be able to actually gain some more full traction to do my own inner healing. So that I don't know if a future comes and I can have some version of contact with them.

8:18I'm not sure. But I know that I have to be in a different place if I am going to be that person who can come home, let them be them and leave that home. intact. Anxiety was all I knew. I went to multiple years of talk therapy myself. I was actually in what is called a psychoanalytic training program. So think Freud, the couch, clocking. I mean, these are people that go into treatment hour. I mean, each day of the week, you know, five days a week for an hour. So I was training in that modality. And part of that training was we had to lay on the couch ourself. And so at some points I was up in therapy two hours a week.

8:58I was on medication. I had, you know, my SSRI, my benzo in the back pocket. And I was taking the traditional routes of treatment and I still wasn't getting better. So for me, realizing that we have to look at the whole person. That's why I now work holistically, that there's a body that I'm that my mind that's unwell, if you will, is attached to. So for me, it was exploring the nutritional, the sleep, all of the lifestyle-based stuff because I was so physiologically out of balance that I wasn't able to – a lot of my symptoms really of anxiety even, sometimes even of depression or what we think of as depression are the result of those physiological imbalances.

9:36Lack of sleep, anxiety constantly. Yeah, big time. Food, gut damage. I mean, we now know that the gut is incredibly important in our health. It's not only where nutrients are absorbed, that damage to the gut results in chronic inflammation that can be really, really problematic, you know, in terms of our mental wellness. Really us not understanding. I mean, the subconscious is as crazy as this might sound, not talked about in any training program. So unless these clinicians are given these tools, I think that a lot of them are going to. And so part of it, I was nervous. I wasn't sure when I started to go and shout from the rooftops these new holistic methods and how I did find the traditional model to be limiting.

10:15I was nervous about what my peers were going to say. And they've been nothing but receptive and I think a bit relieved.

10:31I am so excited for you to finish the rest of your day strong. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description and it'll take you to the full episode of my other show, The School of Greatness. Make sure to come back tomorrow for another episode of The Daily Motivation Show.