How to Set Realistic Expectations in Love and Relationships | Noah Beck EP 462

0:00I am so grateful for you. I'm so grateful that you're here today, that you show up every single week to listen to one of our episodes on the School of Greatness. And did you know that this is our 10-year anniversary? That's right, 10 years of greatness. And this holiday season, I don't want to sell you anything. Instead, I just want to show appreciation and I want to do a big giveaway. That's right. Greatness is giving away$500 a day for 10 straight days to multiple members of our community. All you have to do is go to lewishouse.com slash giveaway. And that's where you'll get all the details about how you can be a winner.

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1:07If you could go back right before you moved here, right before you met her, and give yourself advice, three pieces of advice about entering your relationship with someone, whether it's her or anyone. Knowing what you know now, after a lot of highs, amazing connection, you know, a lot of love, a bond. but then a heartbreak and some sadness. What advice would you give to yourself? Number one, I would say protect yourself, protect your heart. And I think that is like something that I'm very guarded up now. And taking it slow, we're 19, you know? We really liked hanging out with each other. So we were like, we might as well date, you know?

1:44It's one of those things. And so, especially when COVID was happening, we were with each other every single day. When you're constantly available for someone, that can be taken advantage of. You know, when you're a giver and you want to see someone happy and you love the feeling of being with someone and you feel happier together, it's really challenging when it doesn't work out. And I've had many sad breakups that were painful and hard and challenging, but at the same time taught me the most about how I can be a better person, how I can create better boundaries for myself, how I can courageously communicate consciously in better ways with, you know, the next partner I was with to make sure that I focus on my vision first and then bringing the relationship in second, as opposed to dropping everything always for the partner.

2:31There's a palace there, but... Yeah, filling up your own cup. Filling up your own cup constantly. Having them fall in love with the overflow, yeah. When you are a giver, it's one of those things where you just so bad want to see them happy. And then when you realize it's not you, like, I never fully realized that. Like, that was the thing. I was like, no, like, I'm not taking no for an answer. I'm going to try my hardest to, like, make it work. Make it work, you know, and always going to be available. I'm never going to give her a reason to not be happy. When they constantly keep telling you it's not you, like, it's the hardest thing.

3:01because it's like, I know it's not me making you sad because I'm doing everything I can to make you happy, but I'm going to try to be the one to make you happy. Right. When they constantly tell you, like, there's just nothing you can do. It's like, I don't want to accept the fact that I can't make my girlfriend happy. And that is a painful realization when you're like, I'm doing everything. I'm shifting, I'm changing who I am just so that it works. And then it doesn't work. And you're like, wow, I just shifted my whole identity for a relationship that no longer doesn't work. Yeah. And I did that too many times.

3:34Yeah. I repeated that pattern in many relationships because partners I chose, for whatever reason, weren't happy with me. Yeah. And they wanted me to change to try to make them happy and never worked. And I finally realized you can't make your partner happy. You can add to their happiness. Right. But they got to focus on their own happiness. Yeah, as soon as it becomes reliant. If someone's a five out of a 10, you can't bring them to a nine consistently. life might be able to influence them to get to a six moments here and there and add to their happiness but if they're not doing their life in a way that brings them joy and fulfillment there's not much we can do no and that's a hard thing for athletes like us who want to win and want to succeed and want to like accomplish it's really hard man yeah and the thing that i want to acknowledge you for noah is being 22 and you mentioned talking to a therapist i think i would have never at 22 talked to a therapist yeah i started 30 10 years ago talking to therapists It was one of the best things I ever did for me.

4:29It helped me bring me so much peace. It's what's gotten me to a high eight, low nine of inner peace. Yeah, yeah. It's having that place to process, having that place to learn new tools. So the fact that you're doing this at 22, I really commend you for that and acknowledge you for doing that because I think it's a powerful tool to use. What advice would you give to yourself moving forward in navigating this next season? I think that's something I'm actively searching for. At the end of the day, just doing what makes me happy and finding out what makes me happy is like, again, like a never ending search because it's like, yeah, this makes me happy in the moment.

5:05You know, like going to an amusement park, riding rides with like friends and stuff like that. Like that makes me happy. But that's not something I can like apply to my everyday life that can make me more at peace with myself. It's nice talking to someone when things are good so that they stay good. That's the best time, dude. Because it's like when they're bad, it's like you have tools to use. It's like when you get in that mindset of thinking, when you go down a rabbit hole, it's like, remember what they told you, like, do this, do that. But when you're happy, it's like, that's the time when you're supposed to stay happy.

5:31When I entered the relationship I'm in with my girlfriend, Martha, we took it slow. Yeah. We took it slow, which I'd never done in the past. I decided I'm going to do everything different. And we took it slow. I was also doing individual therapy. And we made a commitment, an agreement together before we got exclusively committed. I made a suggestion, but she was like, quickly to agree. I said, hey, I would really like to start in therapy together and just try it differently. Because I'd been in a lot of failed relationships. I tried a lot of stuff and none of it worked. So let me try something completely different.

6:00She was like, absolutely, I'm down. And it has been the greatest gift we have given ourselves and the relationship. Because any disagreement, any misunderstanding, any confusion or feeling of like, oh, that didn't feel good. We're able to communicate it consciously whenever we go to that session together. And it allows us to create ground rules. It allows us to create boundaries. It allows us to create agreements. And it brings me more peace. Having that understanding and someone equally as committed to personal growth as I am. For me, doing it when things are good is the best time to do it. So I really acknowledge you for doing that.

6:35And you know what the sexiest and most attractive thing is for a woman? Is when a man is fully committed to his vision and his mission, taking care of his life. In service to his friends, his family, his community. And joyful. not needing a relationship, not checking in constantly to see, hey, what can I do for you? But in his purpose, that is when women are most attracted to men. And then you can come together and support one another with each other's lives individually and together. But if you're always in support, I think it's amazing. I understand where you're coming from. I think it's like, wow, that's like a dream guy.

7:11I'm flattered that you say that because it's like in my head, I'm like, who's the kind of guy I want dating my daughter? Future kids, yeah. Future kids, but also my sisters. You know, I'm very, like, even though I'm the youngest, like, I'm still very protective of my sisters. Sure. And, like, if they started talking to a guy and I don't like it, I'm going to tell her. I'm like, I don't like this guy. Like, I don't ever really want to change those qualities about myself. And I've questioned them because I'm like, this isn't working right now. I get so split in between two lines of, like, this isn't working.

7:35Should I try the latter? Should I not? You shouldn't be a jerk. Yeah, exactly. It's like I don't ever want to even, like, question, like, there's that saying, nice guys finish last. And it's like, I don't think that's the case, honestly. Like, I really think, like, kindness wins at the end of the day. It does. But it's not about changing. It's about evolving. Right. And it's keeping the core of who you are, the values, the generosity, the kindness, the support. That's like a dream. Yeah. As a friend and as a partner. Right. And it's evolving into saying, my health, my mission, my values need to be my number one priority.

8:10Yeah. And that's hard to say. Yeah. Like most people in relationship don't like hearing that. Instead of making someone else number one and making my mission and my health number one. And then a relationship, second or third. Yeah. Everything shifted for me. My relationship is healthy and happy. My girlfriend loves that about me because I have my own purpose. And she still thinks I'm very generous in giving and I show up in a big way. Yeah. So it's not like you're changing until like I'm never going to be there. Yeah. The opposite. It's showing up for yourself the way you would for someone like that.

8:51Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Daily Motivation. And I hope you have an amazing rest of your day. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description. That will take you to the full episode of our main podcast on The School of Greatness. And if you are loving the daily motivation, please follow us over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want more exclusive content and ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want to get even more inspiration from our world-class guests and learn how to improve your life and take it to the next level, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.

9:41Again, have an amazing day, and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.