How To Stop Choosing the Wrong Partner By Understanding Your Own Psychology | Jillian Turecki

0:00Lewis Howes:Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show.

0:11Jillian Turecki:In order to know who is right for you, you have to understand your own psychology. You have to understand yourself. You have to understand where your vulnerabilities lie, where your weaknesses lie, where your strengths are, the trauma that you've been through. you know if you've been if you've had a rough go at life then you're going to need someone who makes you feel really accepted and safe and doesn't judge you for that it doesn't give you a hall pass to to bring that trauma in but the reality is our past is our past and so understanding who's the right partner for you is not only understanding your psychology but getting really real with yourself because people will say oh I just wish I was this person I'm really attracted to outdoorsy people and I just wish I was more outdoorsy.

0:58Jillian Turecki:Oh, I could be more outdoorsy. No, you have to be really real with yourself. You hate the outdoors. You might be really attracted to someone who likes the outdoors, but sorry, Charlie, like that's not going to be right, be right for you.

1:09Lewis Howes:You can't sleep in a tent for three nights with bugs. That's not you. It's not you.

1:12Jillian Turecki:You got to be super real. And like that person who you're really attracted to does that.

1:17Lewis Howes:It's not going to work long term.

1:19Jillian Turecki:It's not going to work long term. You could have a fun fling, but it's not going to work long-term. So really knowing yourself and honoring yourself is how you choose well.

1:29Lewis Howes:Yeah. That could be the summer fling, but then it's like, if you're with the outdoorsy guy who that's his, he wants that to be his life six months in the mountains. Exactly. I'm trying to create a stable home with kids in the future.

1:40Jillian Turecki:Exactly. It doesn't work.

1:42Lewis Howes:It doesn't mean they're not great people.

1:44Jillian Turecki:It's just not going to work.

1:46Lewis Howes:It's just not what you want for the vision of your life.

1:48Jillian Turecki:Exactly. And people have to get really real with themselves and they don't. And then they end up paying for that.

1:54Lewis Howes:What's been the biggest mistakes you've brought to relationships that you've later had to realize and take accountability for? Oh, okay. Yeah. I was responsible for this or this, or I could have shown up differently.

2:06Jillian Turecki:Yeah. Um, for me definitely has been in the past codependency and what I, what that looks like is it's funny, you know, relationships are funny. I mean, I've had some really beautiful relationships and I've had some not so beautiful relationships and that's why certain people are going to bring out certain things in you whereas others are not but i've definitely brought codependency and low self-worth to relationships like um depending on my partner too much for my happiness really yeah what happens when we depend on our partner to make us happy um catastrophe so here's here's the paradox i think that we need to be with someone who wants to make us happier and that we want to make, we want to add value to each other's lives.

2:49Jillian Turecki:We want to make the path easier, but no one can walk our path but ourselves. And so what happens is that when, and it's unconscious, you know, and it's part of it is also conditioning. It's like, be with someone who makes you happy, this or that, you know. The problem is that if you don't feel at least mostly whole. We all have our things that we're dealing with. But if you feel really fragmented and you think a relationship or another person is going to actually bring all the pieces together, then what's going to happen is that you're going to be really disappointed because then you're relying on another fallible, flawed human.

3:29Lewis Howes:Imperfect human.

3:30Jillian Turecki:Imperfect human. And you're going to have all these expectations and your shoulders are going to be crushed by the weight of failed expectations constantly. But, you know, so yeah, I've done that.

3:45Lewis Howes:Yeah.

3:47Jillian Turecki:Not really standing on my own two feet emotionally. I have brought stress to a relationship and not my self-awareness around stress to the point where I've closed or, yeah, where I've closed, you know, not been receptive to love.

4:07Lewis Howes:Guarded.

4:08Jillian Turecki:Yeah, guarded or just tense and stressed and just totally expecting to be loved anyway. And it's, you know, relationship is so filled with paradox. It's like, yes, they should actually contribute to your happiness, but you also have to know how to make yourself happy. No, you don't have to love yourself completely to be in a relationship. But yes, you have to love yourself at some level, you know, or you learn to love yourself in a relationship, but also you can't enter a relationship hating yourself. There's just so many paradoxes. And I would just say that people just need to find sort of the balance for themselves.

4:51Jillian Turecki:And like the reality is that we should be adding value to each other's lives. We should want to root for our partner and we want to see them win. And we want to see like their path be just like paved with gold. And we will do anything to help them, but we can't actually pave the path for them. And that's the key difference. And we can't expect that from someone.

5:17Lewis Howes:Right. I think that's, you're speaking my language right now because, you know, over the last couple of years of doing my own healing journey, I was just like, if I enter a relationship again, right? It was kind of like if, you know, because I was just like, I'd rather be happy and on my own. No, but I love intimacy and connection. Yeah. It's like, okay, I want it, but it's like not at the expense of like suffering.

5:41Jillian Turecki:Yes.

5:42Lewis Howes:And abandoning my values and my vision and my lifestyle, my needs. Yes. But I was like, I just want to make sure that I'm always taking care of it and loving myself and taking care of myself and creating my own joy and happiness and fulfillment, independent of a relationship. Never needing someone, but the way they show up can just add to that joy, add to that happiness. And I want to be in a relationship with someone that is a joyful person. It's kind of like their baseline.

6:11Jillian Turecki:Yes.

6:12Lewis Howes:Because they've processed stuff. They've been on the healing journey. They're whole, not perfect, but whole and continuing to improve. But their baseline is joy.

6:22Jillian Turecki:Yeah.

6:23Lewis Howes:When someone's baseline is joy, you don't have to do something to make them joyful. They are joyful.

6:28Jillian Turecki:Yes.

6:28Lewis Howes:And so it's getting your place to a state of peace and joy and fulfillment in your own life so that you don't need the person to make you happy.

6:38Jillian Turecki:Yeah, absolutely.

6:43Lewis Howes:I have a brand new book called Make Money Easy. And if you're looking to create more financial freedom in your life, you want abundance in your life, and you want to stop making money hard in your life, but you want to make it easier, you want to make it flow, you want to feel abundant, then make sure to go to makemoneyeasybook.com right now and get yourself a copy. I really think this is going to help you transform your relationship with money this moment moving forward. We have some big guests and content coming up. Make sure you're following and stay tuned to this episode of The Daily Motivation Show.

7:25Lewis Howes:Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Daily Motivation, and I hope you have an amazing rest of your day. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description. That will take you to the full episode of our main podcast on the School of Greatness. And if you are loving the daily motivation, please follow us over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want more exclusive content and ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want to get even more inspiration from our world-class guests and learn how to improve your life and take it to the next level, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.

8:15Lewis Howes:Again, have an amazing day, and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.