How To Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships | Mel Robbins EP 785

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show.

0:10You know, obviously I know I married an introvert. Chris is the definition of peace. Like when you talk about somebody that is deeply spiritual, grounded, introverted person who really connects with people one on one, that's my husband. And so the thing that I'm really trying to figure out in this next chapter of our marriage, because I feel like in many ways we are in the beginning of a second marriage because we have done so much work on ourselves and our kids are now grown up. And there's this opportunity after 28 years to really look at each other with fresh eyes. Right. It's so beautiful.

0:56Huge. There's two things that I want to share that have really helped me. One is instead of focusing on the things that I don't like about Chris, right? And there are plenty of things he does not like about me. One of the things that I've done is to say, describe two moments where you just felt that like, oh my God, this is my person. And so there are two moments and there's a great exercise to do. Like, just think, what are those two moments that really encapsulate, like, just that flood of peace and love and safety and connection? And one of them for me with Chris is this. We had just met and we were meeting to go out to dinner after work in New York City.

1:42And I was standing in front of that Flatiron building on, you know, 23rd. Love it. And I looked up Fifth Ave and I could see Chris coming and he was wearing a suit and he had a messenger bag slung over his shoulders. He had Ray-Bans on and he was rollerblading and weaving in and out of traffic because he grew up as a ski racer and he's like a big adventurer. And he had this huge smile on his face and it was like strength at play. right? That was what I felt. And then the second thing that came to mind is that when we first got together, we almost like a couple months after knowing each other, we went out to Utah to meet his best friend who was already married.

2:34And Jeff and Darce live in Idaho. And like, they're basically pioneers. You know, they hunt, they fish, they like live in a log cabin, built their own house, like they're freaking amazing. And so we went fishing and there was a freak snowstorm that night. And so literally it started snowing as we're cooking dinner, like in June, dude. And so I'm thinking, what have I gotten myself into? So I go back to the tent and I'm rummaging around for a sweatshirt of some kind. And I noticed my sleeping bag is warm and I flipped the bag open and Chris has filled up one of those Nalgene bottles with hot water he had boiled on a campfire and stuck it in there like a hot pocket.

3:19That's pretty nice. Right? Very thoughtful. Yes. So I developed an avatar for the behavior in Chris that I love. I call it my trip leader because when we're out hiking, when we're on an adventure, Chris is in charge. He has strength at play. He is a caretaker. He's 55 steps ahead of me. I'm the yard sale in the back. Like that is when he shines. And so it has been super helpful for me to remind myself that he's a trip leader because it makes me take a step back and it allows him to take a step forward into his power. So that's one thing that I've been working on. And the second thing that I'm working on is this sense, you called it peace.

4:08And we've talked about this sort of mismatch and the mismatch being that you might speak different love languages. You might have different values or different lifestyle, extrovert, introvert, all that kind of stuff. That if you are going to work to close that gap somehow without changing one another, realize that your marriage doesn't have to be everything. and it shouldn't be. And so for a while I started to get nervous because Chris is very introverted. I mean, we live in Southern Vermont on the side of a mountain now. And I started to realize I'm actually sad here all the time. Like a part of me needs this spaciousness, but I have to be around people.

4:52And so I started to realize, well, wait a minute. I don't have to turn Chris into like the party guy, I can have my friends be that I can have work be that like I can fill that in different areas instead of being frustrated that this one person isn't filling everything. And so really recognizing, I think what somebody's capacity is, allowing them to step forward in certain roles, but allowing them to be themselves and step back in others and not punishing them for it. 100%. That is something that I've been, Chris is better at it than I am. Like he's way more forgiving. He's way kinder. He's more patient.

5:38Sure. He's probably creating boundaries just like you are. Oh yeah. Which is key. Yeah. It's a huge gift to have this side of my husband showing up after all of these years. And it's a huge gift to me to actually have a partner that's helping me heal and be softer and have somebody take care of me. And it's just incredible. And so, you know, the thing is, is that the wrong relationship magnifies your insecurity and your emotional dysregulation and the right relationship with a lot of work helps you heal.

6:25I am so excited for you to finish the rest of your day strong. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description and it'll take you to the full episode of my other show, The School of Greatness. Make sure to come back tomorrow for another episode of The Daily Motivation Show.