In short
Podcast Notes: The Daily Motivation
Episode Title
If You Feel Like A Different Person Around Family, Watch This
Guest
Jerry Wise
Episode Overview In this episode, Lewis Howes and Jerry Wise discuss the emotional intricacies of family dynamics and how they influence our self-identity. Wise shares insights into the concept of "pseudo self" and the phenomenon of enmeshment, revealing how individuals often revert to childhood selves when interacting with family.
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Key Concepts
Pseudo Self vs. True Self
- Pseudo Self: An identity constructed in response to family expectations and pressures. It is a facade that individuals adopt to fit into family dynamics.
- True Self: The authentic version of oneself that exists independent of family influence.
Family Super Self
- The idea of a "family super self" suggests that individuals inherit a collective emotional framework from their families, which shapes their self-perception and behavior.
- This framework often perpetuates self-criticism and unrealistic standards.
Enmeshment
- Definition: A psychological state where personal boundaries between an individual and their family members become blurred, leading to a loss of individual identity.
- Symptoms include feeling overwhelmed by family expectations and being unable to assert personal preferences.
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Discussion Highlights
- Self-Criticism and Achievement: Wise argues that many individuals believe that being harsh on themselves drives success. However, he challenges this notion, suggesting that harmful self-criticism is not a healthy motivator.
- Family Dynamics: Professionally successful individuals often struggle to assert themselves in family settings. Wise illustrates this by citing examples of executives who revert to childhood roles around their parents.
- Emotional Connection: Maintaining emotional connections with family while asserting individual identity is crucial. Wise emphasizes the importance of establishing healthy boundaries.
- Inner Child: Emphasizing the importance of listening to one's inner child, Wise suggests that this part of ourselves desires peace and authenticity rather than conflict and performance.
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Key Takeaways
- Self-Reflection: Listeners are encouraged to reflect on their self-criticism and evaluate whether it stems from their true self or from familial expectations.
- Healthy Boundaries: Establishing boundaries is necessary to navigate relationships with family while remaining true to oneself.
- Authenticity: It is essential to cultivate authenticity in family interactions, allowing for genuine expression of desires and preferences.
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Additional Resources
- Book Mentioned: "Make Money Easy" by Lewis Howes
- Newsletter: Sign up for the Greatness newsletter for ongoing motivation and insights.
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Conclusion This episode serves as a reminder that family dynamics can profoundly influence our self-concept and emotional health. By recognizing the impact of familial roles and creating space for our true selves, we can foster healthier relationships and personal growth.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show.
0:10so when we are in conflict with ourselves or hypercritical of ourselves whether it be our adult or inner child self how is that hurting us or helping us the thing is first of all i might say you're not being your true self you're being a pseudo self to yourself you're being the family super self to yourself when you're acting that way when you're acting that interesting that that's not you but you think it's you and i'm going it really isn't it's you're bringing the family trance trance wi-fi super self we call because all the family connects to this big super self that's all enmeshed emotionally and and we even know biologically i there's a way to describe Of course.
1:04And that you're now not, you're not, when somebody's going, and I'm fine with being hypercritical of myself. I'm not going to look at my inner child. But every time I hear you being self-critical in a negative way, you know, towards yourself, I'm going, why are you not being yourself? Because would yourself do that? And they'd probably go, well, no, I wouldn't. Then where is that coming from? You know, well, it's just what I've always done. Oh, now we're going to what's always been done. Okay. My point. But what's always been done doesn't mean it's the best way that you can live your life. Exactly.
1:47And all of us have negative parts of all those things. But I want to have fewer, a less. I want to have less of a pseudo self, less of a non-real self that's me. and all that hypercriticalness is being the family self. Uh-huh. That's your family self. And I'm going, you want to be successful by being your family self? And you tell me how bad that all was. You're doing it. You're repeating it right now. Yeah, you may not be doing this to others, but you're doing it to you. Right, right. Yeah, I don't do that to other people. Okay. Do you ever do it to you? Oh, well, yeah, that's how I'm successful.
2:29because I'm so critical of myself. Yeah, it helps me be driven. It helps me be driven and like, that doesn't sound like a authentic self. What do you think it is if our inner child was able to speak authentically 100 % of the time and say what our inner child truly wants and desires and they had a voice, what would our inner child be saying all the time? I'm always so happy that I am loved now. I'm always at peace because I'm not in conflict now. I'm always looking forward to new adventures now because it's life as it should be. and those kind of statements, if you're talking about the inner child talking, and thank you so much for getting the family out of you.
3:33Interesting. And that we can just be us. We can just be a real us. How does someone learn how to get the family out of them, the family dysfunction out of them while also being a part of the family? I want to learn to remain connected, which is what we call kind of emotionally connected. And I am going to be myself. Yes, which I think a lot of people struggle with, with their parents or family. And when somebody says, so I'm going to tell you something, I want you to go home and tell your family or your parents this holiday or whenever you're going to see them. How would you feel about doing that?
4:19Like you want to change the date of when you get together for Christmas or when you, how comfort do we feel going and telling them that? And this is your preference. Oh my gosh, that's going to be a mess. And this can be a president of a company who runs people all the time, but he's going to go home and tell mom and dad, I don't want to do Christmas at the same time we've always done it. Oh my, you're going to, that's why we so become children when we go home. Interesting. We just, and many people will say that when I get home, I just feel like I'm back, back in junior high or I'm back in, my parents treat me this way.
4:57And, you know, here I am, the president of GM or whatever. And they're still babying me and think I'm an idiot. And it bothers them. And I would help them learn for it not to bother them. That's them. They're not you. enmeshment is I am you and you are me non-enmeshment is you are you and I am me I am not you and you are not me and we can have a relationship and that's a healthy relationship because this is not a healthy relationship this is not a healthy relationship this is a healthy relationship and you need space you need distance and space to have closeness. Interesting. This, you can't have closeness.
5:53You're over close. This is over distant probably because you're over close and you can't have closeness.
6:08I have a brand new book called Make Money Easy. and if you're looking to create more financial freedom in your life, you want abundance in your life and you want to stop making money hard in your life, but you wanna make it easier, you wanna make it flow, you wanna feel abundant, then make sure to go to makemoneyeasybook.com right now and get yourself a copy. I really think this is gonna help you transform your relationship with money this moment moving forward. We have some big guests and content coming up. Make sure you're following. And thank you for listening to this episode of The Daily Motivation Show.
6:51Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Daily Motivation, and I hope you have an amazing rest of your day. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description. That will take you to the full episode of our main podcast on the School of Greatness. And if you are loving the daily motivation, please follow us over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want more exclusive content and ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want to get even more inspiration from our world-class guests and learn how to improve your life and take it to the next level, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.
7:41Again, have an amazing day, and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.
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Check out the full episode: https://greatness.lnk.to/1747
"You're being a pseudo self to yourself. You're being the family super self to yourself." - Jerry Wise
There's something unsettling about watching a CEO who commands boardrooms admit they can't tell their parents they want to change the time for Christmas dinner. Jerry Wise has spent decades watching successful people crumble the moment they step back into their childhood homes, reverting to versions of themselves they don't recognize. The breakthrough comes when you realize that voice in your head, the one constantly criticizing and pushing and never letting up, isn't actually you at all. It's what Wise calls the "family super self," this emotional WiFi network you've been connected to since birth, transmitting their anxieties and standards and judgments straight into your nervous system. You've been living as a pseudo self, acting out patterns you never chose, defending behaviors that hurt you because somewhere along the way you confused survival mechanisms with success strategies.
What makes this conversation so powerful is how Wise dismantles the myth that self-criticism equals achievement. That president who can't stand up to mom and dad will swear up and down that being brutal with himself is what got him where he is, never stopping to wonder why he needs his family's harsh voice to stay motivated. Wise explains enmeshment not as some abstract psychology term but as the painful truth that many of us don't know where we end and our families begin. The path forward isn't cutting everyone off or pretending the past didn't happen. It's learning to hold space between yourself and them, to stay connected while finally, maybe for the first time, being yourself. Your inner child has been waiting for this, for the moment when the conflict stops and you can just exist without performing, without proving, without that relentless internal commentary that was never yours to begin with.
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