If You Want A Strong Relationship, Set This Boundary First | Lewis & Martha Higareda Howes

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0:38Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to The Daily Motivation Show.

0:49I think one of the most important steps is what mentally strong couples don't do is they don't hesitate to set boundaries. yes and I think from the very beginning we I mean I was very clear on my side that I needed boundaries in my relationship yeah and I was clear with you that I didn't feel like I had those in previous relationships same with you yeah and I was just like this is who I was so I was almost like trying to get you to run away from me not in a bad way but I was like this is who I am this is what I think this is what I believe this is how I act this is how I behave yeah I'm not willing to do this.

1:26I am willing to do this. I was like, I don't care what you think of me. This is who I'm going to be and take it or leave it, you know, type of mentality. It was so clear because, you know, in the past, you also dated very close to people. I was just like, I was never able to really be me without someone getting upset at me. So I felt like I had to keep the peace by changing who I was all the time. And it was exhausting trying to keep the peace. And I think the best way to have peace in your life is to create boundaries and to hold onto those boundaries and just set a firm boundary on certain things.

2:01And I was just very clear early on, and it's not like this was ever an issue that we had to address something, but I was like, listen, one boundary for me is I will not be in a relationship where anyone screams, period. Oh yeah, no, thank God. And so if you like to scream at me, it's not going to happen. We're And I just come from a relationship in which I was the receiving end of a lot of explosion and screaming. I was like, oh, I don't want this. And I was just clear. Like, here are boundaries for me. Like, it can't even be a little bit that then gets more and more and more. So it has to be a clear boundary.

2:33There's no screaming. There's no this. This doesn't work for me. That doesn't mean you have to be perfect with your emotions all day long. I'm not saying that. But there are certain things that we should not accept. You shouldn't accept me to scream at you. You shouldn't accept me to do whatever. other things too that don't make sense for you. And it's just being very clear about that. And I think we were really good in the first year, year and a half when we started in therapy, which I think was another powerful thing. We were clear on those boundaries by creating agreements. And I think that made the relationship for me at least feel safer and same for you.

3:10And one of the things that we also did, we started making boundaries in our individual lives as well, really in the last couple of years. So we created boundaries with each other. And then it's boundaries with friends, family, colleagues, worker, you know, all these different things in life to continue to protect our energy in the relationship and outside of the relationship. Work, whatever it might be, just finding ways to continue the skill of boundary setting. Yes. To create more peace and freedom inside. And I think both of us love people, like people. We want people to be happy. And we both overextended ourselves.

3:51We have been people pleasers in the past. We've both overextended ourselves to try to make everyone happy around us. Everyone feel good around us. By sometimes giving more and not making ourselves feel good. Or feeling frustrated in the process. And really in the last couple of years, we both had to learn the hard way. okay, we had it figured out with us, but we didn't have it figured out with everyone else. And it was like both of us in the same timeline, we're just doing it one after one after one, just creating boundaries. And it has given us so much more peace and freedom in life. And so, you know, just because you're in a loving, beautiful relationship with someone doesn't mean you don't need to create a boundary with them around something.

4:35How do you think it's the best way to create a boundary or the way that works for you? a loving boundary and say, hey, listen, this is something. And when you do it early on and you communicate it early on in a relationship, you don't just give in to everything. It's easier. It's harder to create a boundary two, five, 10 years in when you've never created one. But from the beginning, we did that with each other. Hey, this is something I want. You know, you said, this is what I want to create in the next two and a half years. If we're dating, like, I want to get married the next couple of years.

5:06I want to start building a family in the next two, three, four years. Is that something you want? And if it's not something I wanted, you'd have been like, okay, see you later. It would have been a boundary for you. If you're not at least open and interested in that same vision. And if you would have said, well, maybe he'll change. Maybe he'll be open to it once he falls in love with me in a few months. Maybe I'll convince him. Maybe I'll fix his mentality and he'll want to do it in three, four years. And the three, four years comes and I haven't proposed and we're not engaged and we're not married and I'm not speaking about family, you would be resentful and frustrated.

5:41You'd be, you'd still be like nagging at me constantly. You'd be like, why aren't you doing this? Why aren't you doing this? Underneath, it's because I wasn't meeting an expectation because you didn't set a boundary. You maybe communicated, you maybe said, this is my dream, what do I want? And I'd be like, yeah, I'm open to it. But if you didn't really dig in and be like, do you want this? Are you clear? Yeah. And if I didn't want it, you could have been like, okay, this relationship doesn't work for me. That's a boundary. And it's a loving boundary. You don't have to yell at someone or shame them.

6:13Just, all right, it doesn't work. And that's okay. Yeah.

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