If You Want Everyone To Like You, Listen To This | Leslie John

0:00Having the right people in your corner for life's biggest milestones makes all the difference. Like a friend who's there when you're house hunting or checking out a new ride, State Farm is there too, helping you choose the coverage you need. With a State Farm agent, you know someone is there to help you along the way. And with so many coverage options, it's nice knowing you have help choosing a plan that fits your needs. So you can continue celebrating all of life's milestones. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show.

0:41Leslie John:Do you ever find, did you find, do you find this pattern of people liking, seeming to like you more than you like them? Like people wanting to hang out with you more than... Yes, this season of life for sure. I mean, for many years when I didn't have friends and when I didn't have, you know, a business, when I was kind of getting into the working force of the business world. In order to create opportunities for yourself, you need to know lots of people. You know, if you're starting a business, you need to get customers and clients. You need to put yourself out there and meet everyone essentially that you can and offer services and help and, you know, free things to people to get in the door.

1:24then once you get clients or you have a business or whatever it might be I realized like I was giving too much to too many people and I had no energy for me yes and I didn't feel like I was receiving in return from enough people so I became an over giver over share over people pleaser because I wanted everyone to like me yeah and I wanted to feel safe emotionally yeah and then it took the last like seven years like a swing of me learning how to create better boundaries, learning how to heal deeper, to not feel like I need everyone to like me or constantly give to everyone.

1:58Leslie John:That's so important realization. And by doing that, by creating these boundaries, it kind of, you know, as I've reclaimed that energy and I've put it into the people that I care about the most. And it doesn't mean I don't speak to people if they reach out to, but it's like, I learned to say no a lot more than when I was, you know, my twenties and early thirties. Because one of the ways that I think of that saying no is what are you saying yes to? Like when I say no to meeting with a new doctoral student at five o 'clock at night, I'm saying yes to playing with my kids at five o 'clock, right? And so once I thought about it's like so empowering thinking about the reason I asked that question about the potential asymmetry of liking or connectedness is that you naturally, I mean, you do this now for your job, but from a young age, it sounds like you were really curious and you were asking questions.

2:43Leslie John:And when you ask people questions, they get to disclose to you. And when people reveal to you, people love revealing. Like it turns out, I know some people might be like, what? I don't like revealing. You do like revealing in certain contexts. I will tell you data. But, you know, you're expressing interest in them and you're giving them attention and they get to share. And revealing, I'm not talking about like tricky conversation stuff, but revealing your hopes and dreams, your preferences. It actually activates the pleasure centers of the brain. So it literally is enjoyable and and that fosters trust.

3:17Leslie John:And so it's I was thinking of a funny, a funny situation where one of the ways things that this can kind of go wrong, where we see asymmetries of sharing. So a very healthy sharing to build relationships, friendships, colleagueships, romantic relationships is the dance of reciprocity. I reveal something you you reciprocate, maybe raise the ante a bit. And it's this beautiful unfolding, gradual escalation together. Sometimes it goes awry for various reasons. One of the funny ways it can go awry. Well, funny because I'm going to tell a story at my expense. You're welcome. is when you so if someone reveals a lot to you and you don't reveal to them, you sometimes one can feel like they let me say it differently.

4:09Leslie John:Parasocial relationships. These are so brutal for this. So Jerry Seinfeld, I love Jerry Seinfeld. I've watched every episode of Seinfeld. I feel like we like he knows me because we mistake the fact that I know a lot about him from his his professional perspective. And he doesn't know anything about me, but I feel like we're friends. And so one time when I was at a theater with my husband, at the intermission, I saw Jerry, first names, and his wife. And I just impulsively walked up to him like, hey, Jerry, we're old friends. You have no clue who you are. Yeah, he's like, and he obviously, I was like, oh my God, I immediately regret this decision.

4:51Leslie John:because then I've suddenly took his perspective that, oh, wow, like this is some crazy stranger lady. It must happen to him all the time. And so he has a thing. What he does is he says, good to see you. Good to see you. And he just keeps walking like as fast as you could walk without it calling it running.

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6:43Again, have an amazing day, and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.

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