Loving Yourself Before Entering a Relationship | Dr. Caroline Leaf 424

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes, and welcome to The Daily Motivation Show.

0:11here's the here's the challenging thing when we see a friend a family member um someone we care about that says negative things themselves that we see them their mood cycles are extreme they could be happy but then in low places and like at home for weeks and then maybe even doing things to harm themselves. How can a friend, a family member, actually communicate so they feel heard, supported, and seen to start improving their life? Thank you for asking such an important question. Such an important question. So it seems hopeless sometimes. It does. It seems hopeless, and it seems like it's going on forever.

0:47And it generally will go on for months or years. And it's been very, very hard on the family. When you look at it, when you see a loved one, whether it's a family member or a friend, going through these ups and downs where they seem OK and everything's like, thank God they're okay again. And then there's this massive dip again. So there's almost like three things that you do there as well. The first thing is make sure that you know how to process what you're going through. Because when you love someone, what happens is you absorb their pain. As much as I love my children, I can't absorb their pain.

1:16And you try and do it as a parent. You try and absorb their pain. As much as I love my husband, as much as I love my friends, as much as I love you as a friend, and I can't absorb what you've gone through. and I'll try because I care. So will you. You'll try and you have and all of us have. But when you take someone's pain in the way they are, you see them experiencing it, you are actually not going to be able to discern. So you're taking in something that your body doesn't know how to process because it's not your thing. Yes. Then you can't support them. You will start breaking because it will create tremendous conflict in you and you'll shift into all kinds of people pleasing, denying of the self and it becomes chaotic.

1:54So it's extremely important to understand that that is the issue. And for me to be able to help them, I need my own oxygen mask on. It really is that principle. Your empathy levels and your ability to support your loved one will increase when you look after yourself. It's not selfish. And we have this very kind of almost religious philosophy that I've just got to sacrifice and compete and deny myself and serve the other. It feels like you should be doing, but you cannot help your child if you're broken. Don't be scared to look after yourself. Right, it's important. Then the next thing is, and this is the hardest part, to just be there for them.

2:29Don't try to tell them what to do. Don't try to give them advice. No. Just be there. See, they can't get out of bed with them. Wow. Put the TV on for them. Take them food. Say, hey, do you want me just to, you know, walk to the bathroom and take you to the bathroom, like I said, outside the bathroom door. So don't shame, don't coach, don't give advice. Don't ever say things like, God, this has been going on for so long. When are you going to get over this? also very important have a place where you can go out of the home or out of that place as someone that you can talk to a therapist a good friend that you can go and explode you don't mean the word you're going to say right just got to get it out i can't believe they're doing this what are they doing it's hurting me you need a neuro cycle on your over to need a neuro cycle with someone else you need to go and it could be it could be a friend doesn't have to be a therapist it can be you know you don't have to be a therapist to help each other right that's the key that's what also what I try and do with my work is empower people to realize how we have inside of us.

3:24Peer support is so good. Kids are getting great support on social media that are stopping them committing suicide because they're speaking to a peer and they say, my parents are fighting with them. I can't handle it anymore. I'm going to kill myself. And their peer group is saying to them, no, don't do that. And they support them through it. There's the power of just listening and saying, hey, I'm here for you. I'll talk. Just tell me your feelings. I don't know how to advise you. I'm the same age as you, but you know what? I'm here for you. And when you're ready to ask me for advice, I can try and give you some.

3:53But only when you're ready. You as the parent, or you as the best friend, or you as the loved uncle, whatever you are, that's the person that generally very often gets the most attack. Because you're the person that's supposed to fix them. And no one can fix them. But to be broken, please fix me, is the cry coming from someone's heart. And we can't fix them. And they can get mad at you for not fixing them. And that's okay. So you've got to be strong enough to handle that.

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