Matthew Hussey: “I Wish I Knew THIS When I Was Single” - How To HEAL The #1 Pattern BLOCKING LOVE

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show.

0:11I love your definition of like when you know that you're choosing the right person as someone who makes you feel most at home. I love that idea. And Martha, my fiance, she's always like, man, I wish I would have met you like 10 years ago. We would have had so much fun like over these last 10, 15 years being together. And I keep saying to her, you know, I wouldn't have been ready for you. Because if I would have met you 10 years ago, I would have looked at you and I would have not have had the same level of, I don't know if you would call it attraction or just like curiosity to be in a relationship.

0:45Because my nervous system wasn't built for you. It wasn't built to feel safe and accepted for who I was. It wasn't. I still needed to learn how to regulate my nervous system heal reflect and really go through a growth period emotionally and physically really to feel familiar with safety i think for a lot of people especially those who are playing the field and experiencing different people and whatever there is a kind of being single is this dopaminogenic cycle and it's hard to get off that cycle because you're kind of wired you're wired for it now you're wired for instant gratification you're wired for variety and excitement and what next and the dramas of the first few weeks of knowing someone and the romance of like just figuring each other out and and texts and phone buzzing and you know this and that and this person's now called And it's like a frantic sort of dopamine engine that you get stuck in.

1:55And at a certain point, you have to come to value something else more. And this happens, of course, routinely as people get locked into that cycle. And it was clear to me at a certain point, oh, this happiness doesn't lie here for me. Anxiety lies here for me. Uncertainty. uncertainty, it's having an effect on the way I see the world or myself, or this is not, this is not going to serve me long term. But just because you realize that, it doesn't mean that you immediately have an appreciation of what the other thing is, or that you even know what it looks like, or what package it comes in, or you don't know any of those things.

2:45You know, there's a whole chapter I wrote in this book that I'm really insanely proud of because I think it's so on the money of what's happening for so many people. It's called Never Satisfied. And that I think is the feeling. I explain the steps of why it is we struggle to be satisfied. And the next chapter is how to rewire your brain so that you can actually rewire yourself for happiness. Because I know for a long time, I was that never satisfied. In relationships or just? Yeah, my love life. I I think in life too, right? Right, right. But in my love life, I was just chasing, chasing, chasing, chasing, chasing.

3:24Dopamine, dopamine. I'm not happy. I need to get out of this relationship. I'm single. There must be some perfect person who's going to make me feel differently about this whole thing. And I'm going to feel different when I meet that person. And that person didn't come because it wasn't really about that. Something was going on with me. I was in that cycle. This is an election on whether someone should be single or in a relationship. So I don't want to become that person. What is so amazing about a healthy relationship is not available to you until you come to value something different. It's like someone who's been used to doing drugs every day.

4:06and then the day that you that you get them to quit drugs you sit them outside their house in front of a beautiful field and you say appreciate the sunset yeah there's no dopamine rush anymore a sunset is a mate like a sunset is an all-inspiring yes unbelievable thing it's something that it's mind-blowing why do we all go on holiday and everyone at the same time goes out onto the beach and watches the sunset because there's something stunning and magical about a sunset but for the person who's been doing drugs every day that's not the day you can appreciate a sunset you you are coming out of all of those feelings that you've been addicted to and all of that like instant gratification dopamine it's about like again it's nervous system stuff right It's retraining my nervous system.

5:07And this is some of the stuff we talk about in How to Rewire Your Brain. But you have to orient yourself towards a different goal. And in the beginning, you can't expect the new thing to feel like the old thing. It's not going to feel like the old thing. But the more you lean into the new thing, you develop an appreciation for how much better it actually feels.

5:44Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Daily Motivation, and I hope you have an amazing rest of your day. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description. That will take you to the full episode of our main podcast on The School of Greatness. And if you are loving the daily motivation, please follow us over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want more exclusive content and ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want to get even more inspiration from our world-class guests and learn how to improve your life and take it to the next level, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.

6:34Again, have an amazing day, and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.