Mel Robbins On The Revolutionary Truth About Love, Letting Go & Long-Term Relationships | EP 845

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show.

0:10Loving someone is letting them be themselves. 100%. And when I started, when I stumbled onto this, Chris and I have been through hell and back. And he is my most favorite thing about life.

0:32and there is something about let them that is a profound act of love because in my mind, when I think about love, I think love is two things. I think it's consideration. So having someone else in mind, like literally if you make a cup of coffee for somebody and you put in the oat milk because that's what they like, that's an act of love because you have consideration. When I slice the cardboard box and flatten it, I have Chris in mind. And the second part of love for me is admiration, which is the ability to see something in someone else that you admire. And you asked, I don't like, how do you go the distance?

1:16I think a long-term successful relationship requires two things. It requires two people who want it to work. And that's an important thing because if you look at any relationship that breaks up, whether it's divorce or a breakup, there is a moment looking back where at least one of the people didn't want it to work. Yeah. And the second component is that you're both willing to do the work to make it work. It's almost like you're always going to be on a seesaw with somebody in a long term relationship. Ups, downs, balance. But neither one of you will get off the seesaw. That's what it takes, because if one of you gets off, the whole thing breaks.

2:04And so that's why it's really important to learn how to let someone be who they are, because I think it's a huge act of love. And one of the cool things about it for me, and it's not so much with Chris, but it's with other family members that have had very challenging issues or challenging personality styles, is that I've always made it my job to make people happy and make sure nobody's disappointed. And then I get upset. I know that feeling. I know that feeling. And when you let them be who they are, you're actually holding space for two things to be true. Because somebody can be deeply disappointed in you or something that you've done, and they can still love you.

2:52100%. Yeah. And a lot of us don't know that. But when you let someone be disappointed, and if you just take that example, because so many of us are motivated by guilt, or we don't want to let people down. is if you have a business partnership and they want you to come to some meeting or come give a speech and it just doesn't work and they're disappointed, isn't that a good thing? Doesn't that mean they want you there? Right. And we think we've done something wrong. No, you've actually done something great because you have a relationship where somebody wants you there. So let them be disappointed.

3:23Sure. But then do the second part, let me remind myself of my values. and I don't bend over backwards just to make sure other people aren't disappointed. I just let them be disappointed and I remind myself that I need to act in a way and spend my time in a way that actually supports things that are priorities for me. And if I value, for example, family, and this is another very important thing because so many people are motivated by guilt. I used to be deeply motivated by making sure that, oh my God, if I felt guilty because I'm working too much or didn't see my parents or whatever. And then I'd change everything and then I'd still feel guilty because it wasn't quite enough.

4:03Don't ever do something because you feel guilty. When you change your plans and you go home to see your parents because you feel guilty, you just made your parents the villain. Because you're resented. Yes. And because you're making it a thing you have to do. If you let them be disappointed and then you come back to yourself and you say, okay, well, let me drop into my values. And for me, my dad's 80 this year, and I'm lucky I got 10 more holidays with him. And so I don't make the time to see them because I want him to think I'm a good daughter. I make the time to see him because it makes me know I'm a good daughter, because I value it.

4:46And the other thing that I love about Let Them, especially in challenging political times is there are very good people in your life that have political opinions that you just cannot explain yeah and it's a deeply personal issue for everybody around what crosses a line but there is space when you say let them for someone else to have a belief that you don't understand and for you to not be emotionally charged by it and then for you to come back to your power and say let me decide how much time and energy I pour into this relationship let me decide the role that family plays let me decide if I'm going to take the time to step in their shoes and try to understand how they have come to this belief because one of the other things that I've learned and especially in researching this book is that our brains are very interesting because when you, when somebody has a different opinion than you or they tell you something you don't want to hear, they've scanned your brain.

5:54This is research from Dr. Tali Sherritt. Your brain literally turns off the listening part when somebody is telling you something that you don't want to hear. And so by yelling at each other or arguing about things or I don't understand how you could possibly earn that doesn't do anything but create this silent distance between people when you let people have their beliefs and then you remind yourself let me decide what i value and let me decide what energy i'm going to pour into what and let me decide if i want to keep the space in this relationship open because the other thing that i was getting super wrong in relationships is, you know, I know that I have to push myself because I'm lazy and stubborn and doubtful and anxious like everybody else, right?

6:44I don't want to do the hard shit. So I'm like, five, what are you doing? I push myself. So naturally I push everybody else. And our brains are not only wired for control, but we move toward what's easy, which is why you sit on the couch instead of exercising, because it's easy. And we move away from what feels hard. And if you're a parent, you're stomping up the stairs because your kid's not motivated and you hear the Xbox going. Do you think studying is easy for that kid? No. That's why they're doing it. And when you come stomping up the stairs to open up the door and be like, are you studying?

7:19Yelling at them. Yeah. Do you think that's motivating? No. You just create more resistance to the change that you want. Yeah. Now, you can't make someone change, but I never said you couldn't influence them. Sure.

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8:25Again, have an amazing day and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.