Parenting Psychologist REVEALS Top 3 Parenting MISTAKES DO THIS to RAISE Healthy KIDS! | Dr. Becky Kennedy EP 558

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show.

0:11Hi, Madison Cody, the Millennial Parenting Whisperer. I've had Cesar Millan, who's the dog whisperer on. You know, people come in to say, hey, how do you fix my dog? And he fixes humans, essentially. He teaches humans how to lead themselves better. And it sounds like parents come to you and say, how do I fix my kid? And you're coming to them and saying, well, you need to learn how to be a better leader and heal and reprogram yourself and learn how to regulate your emotions so you can manage these situations. Would that be accurate? That is completely accurate. And I think, you know, I'd double down on that and say I think when we have kids, we have this unconscious wish that our kids will heal us.

0:45And in reality, our kids trigger us. Why do we think our kids will heal us? Because I think in general, we all have the wish that something in the external world, something we can gaze out at, will finally give us the comfort and the sense of safety and security that we've always been yearning for. And part of adulthood, I think, involves learning to gaze in, not from a place of it's my fault, but from a place of actually, like, I have the power, and it's hard, but I have the power to do that myself. Wow. How do we raise resilient children? We have to understand before we intervene. So how do we build resilience?

1:23Well, what is resilience, right? And we have to really understand that. And I think that resilience really is our ability to tolerate hard things. And the word tolerate is important because we all think it's the ability to get through it. The getting through happens when it happens. And the truth is the longer you can tolerate something, not something toxic. That is so not what I'm talking about. Sure. Or abusive. But the longer you can tolerate something hard, the success is going to find itself and it's going to be more likely because you were able to stay in the hard place. Can you give an example of what this would be like for a parent and a child?

1:54Sure. So this is something I teach to a lot of parents in one of my favorite, my frustration tolerance workshop, which is relevant for school for everything. So let's say, and I'll say my three-year-old is doing a puzzle. I can't do it. You do it for me. You do it for me. This is a good example, right? As a parent, I get it. You got home. You're like, tired. I want to relax. I was going to have a nice night with like, you know, my kid. I get it. But I'm really driven by impact. And so, like, I actually get this, like, sick joy when my kid is on the verge of a meltdown. Really? Yes. Especially when I've been working a lot.

2:27Because I'm like, if I'm going to spend 20 minutes with my kid, like, I'm going to make it count. And, like, it's nice if I'm there for a pleasant 20 minutes, of course. But if I want to have an impact, I, like, literally can picture my impact on him. So you're, like, hoping when you come home that you're having a breakdown or that temperature. I mean, not like, let's, you know. That's when there's going to be a big breakthrough, right? But in a way, I think that's a really important reframe. It's like, especially if you're a parent who travels a lot or you're not around a lot, to be like, wait, like, I can have impact.

2:55It's not easy. It's certainly not convenient. That's the one word parents need to know. Having kids is not fun or convenient in most situations. It's not at all. And it's like your Super Bowl right now. I guess this is your opportunity. You know, because my kid and how I respond to the puzzle is not going to remember anything about the puzzle. their body, not from that one time, but from patterns. Their nervous system. Is going to be developing expectations around, what can I do when things get hard? What can I get away with, right? Or, yeah, and what should I expect? What is my self-talk? A parent's words become a child's self-talk.

3:36A parent's words become a child's self-talk. Wow. Yes. So what your parents say to you over and over again is what you say to yourself. especially when paired with an emotional situation. So when I'm frustrated, did I have someone come? And I always say, like, frustration is now, like, super bright. Do I expect someone to come and turn off the light? No frustration. Or do I expect someone to come and, like, by the way they're present with me, they dim, they dim the light. So it's just not so blinding. That's emotion regulation. Interesting. Like, that's the best it gets. There are drugs that will do that better for you, but they have, you know, that's not what we recommend for people long term.

4:13Like when we're talking about true emotion regulation, we're talking about a dimmer because it's impossible to deal with something when it's a 10 out of 10. Even 9 out of 10 is really hard. Once you get to an 8 or a 7, it's not pleasant, it's not convenient, but you start to be able to tolerate it. And from there you can, you know, get maybe to a 6 or a 5. That's the goal for our kids. So I'll model this. My kid is freaking out about the puzzle. Now, to be clear, are there some times that I'd be like, I'm giving myself permission to do the puzzle because I can't deal with this. Of course, I'm a normal human.

4:42Everybody has to give that permission to themselves. But here's this moment. My kid is frustrated. My kid's going to be frustrated for the rest of their life in higher stakes situations. They're going to be given something from a boss and be like, I don't know how to do this. And I actually don't, first of all, I definitely don't want my kid when they're 25 to call me and be like, can you do my project for me? I definitely don't want that. I don't want them to be indignant. How could this person have? I want them to have some type of weight. I don't know what I'm gonna do, but I have a feeling I can think this through or get a little further.

5:11So that's what I want there. That is not unrelated to the pattern of how I interact now. Wow. So I could say here's the piece. Once in a while I do that. Not great for long-term resilience. So here's what I might do. My kid is starting to have a tantrum and even he's saying do the piece. I can't do it. I might say oh so many pieces. I don't know where it goes. Does it go here? Does it go here? Does it go here? And if my kid is like, do it for me. I really, and I've said this to my kid. I'm like, listen, sweetie, I'm not going to do it for you. Here's why. I know you're capable of figuring this out.

5:47And the best feeling in the world is the feeling you get when you think you can't do something. And then you wait a little bit and you see that you can do a little bit more. And I'm not going to take that feeling away from you. And so I'll take a deep breath with you. We can take a break. But like, I know you can do this.

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7:04Again, have an amazing day and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.