SOG EP 1623 BONUS: The Red Flags You Keep Ignoring! (Don’t Let Men Treat You Like This!!) - Sadia Khan & Matthew Hussey

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show.

0:12I'm curious, Matthew, with you, when a woman has gone through your workshop or maybe watched your content or, you know, been a part of your community for a while, and then they say, okay, I'm ready to go out there and meet a guy. And there seems like a really healthy, good, kind, compassionate, you know, value-driven, spiritual, you know, healthy, conscious man in front of me. and for whatever reason she's unable to be excited about that. What is that saying about that woman in your mind if she is unable to lean into the green flags of a healthy potential mate in front of her? I think it's usually a sign that for anyone, men or women alike, that we're not truly putting our well-being first.

0:54We think the source of our worth is outside of us. and we see someone who looks like the kind of equivalent of a vip nightclub or a vip waitlist there is an instinct we all have you walk past 10 restaurants and one of them's super busy and they say we we can see you in three hours there's an instinct that says that you know this like maybe this is the one i want to eat at you might have passed 10 places already but the one with the three-hour wait list there's something about that that makes us go maybe well maybe we can hang around for three hours maybe it is that good and the problem is that in love and dating the people who make it feel like there's a three-hour wait list or or a six-month wait list or that they have all the options in the world they give the impression of being the best meal in town but it doesn't necessarily add up there's a there's a lot of ways to create that illusion i could not text you back for three days and and if you're the person who buys into the illusion that if i'm inconsistent with my communication that must make me more valuable then i can raise my value not by being any more valuable in real terms but simply by ignoring you for three days It requires zero calories for me to make myself more valuable in the eyes of someone who's chasing that kind of value.

2:24Or someone who might be wounded and needs that validation. Or is coming from that place of their model for love is that it is inconsistent, is that it has to be fought for tooth and nail, is that scraps is all you can really expect. And also, you know, again, to talk about those feelings that we get in certain situations. If there's someone whose value we've started to raise in our minds because they've made themselves unavailable, which is a very common instinct. It's a very bad instinct, but it's a very common one. That someone's less available, so I start to attribute more value to them. Or if we attribute more value to them when they become unavailable, that we now get anxious.

3:06because we really want to secure them because they're valuable. And we sit there wondering, how do I secure them? How do I secure them? How do I secure them? Ruminating, obsessing, even ruminating is a form of investment. Yeah. Because the moment, if you're thinking about how to solve a problem nonstop, the problem feels like it's really important. You're investing in a person, even though you're not with them, you're investing in them in your mind. So like five days later, after all of that work you've been doing and all of that obsession and all of that fear and all of that anxiety, when you get a message from them, it can be next to nothing.

3:41It can be, what's up? And you've got all this adrenaline. And you've been trying to figure out how to solve this riddle of getting them back into your life. And you get a two-word message. It feels like the most important thing in the world. And of course, when you get that rush of blood to the head, how can it not feel kind of euphoric? How can it not give you an extraordinary feeling? And when you get that extraordinary feeling and those chemicals are released, you go oh my god i feel so strongly for this person but you don't feel strongly for this person you feel strongly for the dynamic there's a big difference between those two things it's about what am i chasing here am i chasing a feeling am i chasing an idea of value and what is that value based on is it based on someone i think is just rare and difficult to get or is value based on how great of a person someone is in my life how much they actually invest in me what kind of teammate they are what kind of energy they are if we start valuing that more which deep down derives from us valuing ourselves more if you don't value yourself and you just value a feeling well you may as well do a bunch of drugs all day right because you just that's it's not drugs might hurt me but i'm valuing the feeling not myself if i value myself then i think what do i need to give myself in order to feel better.

5:01That's a much more conscious and intentional path to take. It's harder, but it's somewhere that leads somewhere much happier.

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6:07Again, have an amazing day and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.