Stop Being A Doormat: Build Authority In Dating & Business | Evy Poumpouras

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show.

0:12When you're in an interrogation or an interview, or you're on a first date, or you're at a job interview in your career, or any type of first interview with any situation, what's the best way to build command, authority, and credibility? Yeah. Yeah. So you can do very simple things like when you greet someone. Hi, how are you? Come on in. Why don't you use the bathroom before we get started? So I'm not asking you, would you like to use the bathroom? I'm telling you, why don't you go use the bathroom? Why don't you have something to drink? What can I bring you? Right. So I'm I'm in this subtle way.

0:53I'm telling you to go to the bathroom and you're going to go because of the way I said, why don't you go to the bathroom? No, no, go before we get started. You just said authority. Why don't you have something to drink? Oh, no, I'm good. No, have something to drink. We're going to be here for a little bit. Have something to drink. So now I'm planting these little seeds telling you I'm in control. I'm not telling you, but I'm doing it subtly. Have a seat there. You know, you can show me where to sit. Or on the flip side, you could also practice something called autonomy, where you let somebody choose their own seat.

1:27And that's a different tactic. So there's two tactics here. Where would you like to sit? Yeah. Where would you like to sit? So you may use that on me if you want to talk about a topic that I don't want to talk about. And so autonomy makes me feel like I have a choice. You let me choose where I'm going to sit because you're going to let me have it later. You're going to try to push me on something later. I gave you something now. The law of reciprocity means you give me something later. Exactly. But also autonomy, though, it's actually also not reciprocity. It's actually more of I feel in control because we don't like to feel like we're not in control.

2:02So if you want to talk about something where I'm really uncomfortable, I don't feel like I'm in control. I will give you control elsewhere. So I will give you control in picking where you want to meet. I will give you control in what time. I will give you control in where you want to sit. Little things like that you can do where that person has autonomy to choose. We can do it here. We can talk about this or we can talk about this. Which would you prefer? That's, nobody likes to feel like they don't have control. So a way that you can deal with a resistant person is by giving them some level of control.

2:42When you're going on a first date, how is, and you've been maybe in an abusive relationship in the past where you were a doormat. You were walked on. You had no control, no authority. the person that you were in a relationship with walked over your boundaries, took advantage of all that, and you've had time to heal, and now you're getting back out there. Yeah. How can that person create a great dating experience in that first date to put themselves more in the driver's seat with some authority and not a doormat mentality? All right, so there's two things. I think the first thing is don't take out on that person what was done to you by somebody else.

3:21That's the worst. Just, you know, because we've all been victims of things to some degree, right? And let's say even if it was abuse, if it was horrible, it was that. It is also not fair to take that out on an innocent person. Like, to take your trauma out to someone else. And sometimes we can feel trauma elsewhere and then project it onto someone else who didn't cause that to us. So I would say that's the most important thing because it will allow you to connect. The other thing I will say is the majority of people tend to trust. When we have relationships with people, we tend to go and trust people.

4:02So when someone says something to you, you tend to believe it. We believe it. The average person. Why is that? We're just engineered that way. And I don't even know why that is, but we tend to sway towards trusting the person. In law enforcement, actually, it's the opposite. Law enforcement officials are notorious for thinking people are deceitful. So the average person believes people are honest. Law enforcement believes people are deceitful because they deal with more people who lie. But that causes a problem elsewhere because when you do have innocent people... Or tell the truth. They're telling you the truth.

4:38And then you get false confessions. You get problems. You're looking at the wrong person because you're confirmation bias. That's a whole other animal over there. But knowing that we tend to give people, we tend to believe people automatically, just hold a little bit of that back. Don't... Believe less? Just be more reserved in how much you trust. Discerning about it, yeah. Yes, just don't put it all out on the table. Oh my God, this guy's great. Or gal's great. I just connected with them. And then what we do, we go nose in. And so you don't want to give unconditional trust. So unconditional trust is like, I give you now trust across the board.

5:18I trust you in everything. When you start dating someone or any new relationship, even in business, always conditional trust. I'm not going to trust you all the way. I'm going to trust you part of the way. So now here's the thing. We love to trust unconditionally, which is probably why we tend to just want to give people trust. It's less work. I could just turn my brain off. I can trust you, Louis. Great story, yeah. Louis, ask me anything you want because you asked me in the beginning, is there anything off the table? I'm like, no, Louis, go ahead and ask. But you give that person unconditional trust, and I don't have to think so hard.

5:54I don't have to worry if you're going to manipulate me. I don't have to be on my guard. It's easy. It's easier, that relationship. Conditional trust means I have to be a bit more careful. So it's like me going to buy a car. I know I'm dealing with a car salesman. I know I should be careful. It's just understood that they try to get you to buy certain things. They use certain language. So when I go in, I go in with conditional trust. And so I'm better protected. That's why there you're less likely to get hurt in those situations where you understand, I can't fully give everything to this person.

6:26I can't fully trust them unconditionally. I can, um, so I, excuse me, unconditionally. So I have to just be careful. The thing is, that's work. It's a lot of work. We get tired. We access a specific part of the brain when we do that, a more complex part of the brain. So that's why unconditional trust, you don't want to give it right away. And that is why when we get betrayed by people close to us, that's why it hurts more. most.

6:59I have a brand new book called Make Money Easy. And if you're looking to create more financial freedom in your life, you want abundance in your life, and you want to stop making money hard in your life, but you want to make it easier, you want to make it flow, you want to feel abundant, then make sure to go to makemoneyeasybook.com right now and get yourself a copy. I really think this is going to help you transform your relationship with money this moment moving forward. We have some big guests and content coming up. Make sure you're following. And thank you for listening to this episode of The Daily Motivation Show.

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8:33Again, have an amazing day, and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.