Stop Letting Your Past Destroy Your Present Relationship | Sheleana Aiyana

0:02Zach, nice vacation spot, but without T-Mobile 5G home internet, it's scary here. Don't open it. Relax. I ordered T-Mobile 5G home internet with same-day delivery powered by DoorDash. Nothing to be afraid of. We're saved. Get T-Mobile 5G home internet delivered the same day. Powered by DoorDash. Just$35 a month with auto pay and a voice line. Plus taxes and fees. Same-day delivery for most internet-eligible customers. See if it's an option during checkout. Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show.

0:42I have couples in my sphere who had deep attachment wounds, were clearly a perfect match for each other in every way. And yet their attachment wounds were so strong that the first three years of their relationship was just absolute chaos. but they had tools, they had therapy, they had somatic work, they had processes, and they just kept going because they loved each other. And they did get to the other side. And so I've seen both. And sometimes it just depends on your personality. If you're a really fiery person who's very expressive, and so is your partner, you know, this is Ben and I, there's going to be more outward conflict than the type of couple who's maybe more inward.

1:25and avoidant or just non-confrontational in conflict. When you get two scrappers, even if they're doing the work, you know, when there's something coming up, it's going to look different than the other couple who's perhaps more muted in terms of their expression. Neither is right or wrong. It's just going to be different. And we have to assess what we're tolerant of, what our boundaries are, and make agreements for how we're going to navigate conflict so that we don't destroy the relationship along the way, which we can easily do. We have to say, okay, well, these are the boundaries. This is the agreements.

2:01And we have to lean in a little bit and honor our partner, even if it's hard, do some things that we maybe don't naturally do to create safety so that we can get there.

2:12Sheleana Aiyana:I think, I can't remember if it was the Godman Institute that talked about like one of the number one factors of deciding if a relationship's going to work or not is how you fight together. Yeah. It's like how you argue or communicate when there is a disturbance, when there is a frustration, when there's a breakdown. It's how you have agreed to fight, essentially. And I think that could really hurt relationships more or hurt feelings more if you fight in an unfair way that's not agreed upon. Yeah. If you cross a line too much, if you're, oh, it's a little too abusive, that's a little too dismissive, that's a little too, that's not nice.

2:48Sheleana Aiyana:We can disagree and argue, but you can still be kind. Yeah. You don't have to scream and yell and call names because that doesn't feel good. Yeah, exactly. And that's often what happens is we continue to go down these pathways, these nervous system responses that we're used to. And even though we love our partners, we destroy the relationship and then we can't repair because there's just too much damage done. And then we end up in the inner work. Why do you think people are so reactive when there is an emotional trigger, where for some people, that trigger may not matter at all. They may say, why are you so explosive?

3:27Sheleana Aiyana:Why are you so reactive or so hurt over this little thing? When other people are, there's a button inside of their wound and it's just like, ah, they explode, they react. What will it take for people to overcome that? And why do they stay that reactive as adults? It's body memory from obviously early childhood, but sometimes not so obviously when we're teens or in our earlier years where you know we've been deeply hurt or betrayed by somebody and that button gets pushed and that old familiar feeling and that story that i'm not loved or i'm not safe or i'm being taken advantage of or i'm going to be left alone or attacked all of these stories those get activated in the body memory and so it's often an unconscious thing when we get triggered or activated in a relationship, all of a sudden we're blowing things out of proportion because the mind is saying you're not safe.

4:21Defend or run, you know, those two options. And those are nervous system patterns. And so we can't really think our way out of it. And it's helpful to have tools. It's helpful to have self-awareness. But meditating isn't going to be the answer. The answer is going to be working with your body to reorient to what it feels like to be safe and secure inside of you so I can be in relationship with you while being present with my own body so we can have multiple relationships happening at once my relationship with me my relationship with you the relationship we share together there's this ability once we have a regulated nervous system to know the difference between my emotions and your emotions.

5:06And we don't have that when we're coming from that wounded inner child that gets very thrown off kilter anytime something is disturbed in the safety or, you know, anything with the security is threatened.

5:31I have a brand new book called Make Money Easy. And if you're looking to create more financial freedom in your life, you want abundance in your life, and you want to stop making money hard in your life, but you want to make it easier, you want to make it flow, you want to feel abundant, then make sure to go to makemoneyeasybook.com right now and get yourself a copy. I really think this is gonna help you transform your relationship with money this moment moving forward. We have some big guests and content coming up. Make sure you're following and stay tuned to this episode of The Daily Motivation Show.

6:12Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Daily Motivation and I hope you have an amazing rest of your day. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description. That will take you to the full episode of our main podcast on the School of Greatness. And if you are loving the daily motivation, please follow us over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want more exclusive content and ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want to get even more inspiration from our world-class guests and learn how to improve your life and take it to the next level, then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.

7:02Again, have an amazing day and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.

7:15What should you invest in and how often? Making investing decisions is easier with Fidelity. With their step-by-step experience, you can find investments based on your goals and comfort level. And if you'd like, you can decide how much and how often to invest with recurring investments that happen automatically. Ready to make your next investing decision? Head to fidelity.com slash trading. Investing involves risk, including risk of loss. Fidelity Brokerage Services, LLC. Member NYSE SIPC.