Stop Repeating These Negative Relationship Patterns To Thrive | Jay Shetty EP 230

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation show.

0:10I firmly believe that taking charge of your mindset allows you to be in the driver's seat of your life and unlock your potential. And that's why I'm thrilled to share that my new book is out right now. It's called The Greatness Mindset. In it, you'll learn how to build a plan for greatness through powerful exercises and toolkits designed to propel your life forward. This is the book that I wish I had 20 years ago. It's everything I've learned in the last decade with the research and the science to help you unlock your mind. Make sure to go to lewishouse.com slash 2023mindset to pick up your copy of my book, The Greatness Mindset, today.

0:52I'd say the number one skill to master love in relationships is to remember that in every relationship, there are three relationships. the one you have with yourself the one your partner has with themselves and then the one you have with each other and I think so often we only think about the one we have with each other we don't realize that so many of the challenges in our relationship are because of our relationship with ourselves and our partner's relationship with themselves we think I'm doing everything but they don't feel better but that's because they're going through something internally and so you have to remember that there was a you before there was a you during and there's a you after every relationship and there's a them before a them during and a them after every relationship and when you accept and understand that you can actually solve problems easier because now you have three things to look at rather than just one so you can start to understand okay well is that their internal thing is it my thing let's check with them let's let's communicate let's figure that out i really think of that as like just learning how to master emotions yeah learning how to be the master of your emotions understand someone else's emotions and the emotion that you're creating together is there anything that you have around building kind of like a relationship motto vision is there anything you talk about around that yeah i i talk a lot about how there's there's three things you've got liking someone's personality you've got respecting their values and then you've got a commitment towards helping them get to their goals.

2:29Right? So that's my definition of love. My definition of love is when you like someone's personality, when you respect their values, and you're committed to helping them towards their goals, which means you have to know what your values are and theirs, and you have to know what your goals are and theirs. And someone asked me the other day, they're about to get married, and they said, Jay, what's your advice? And I said, do you know your partner's top three values? And they struggled. I think so. Yeah, and they were saying, friends and family. Yeah, exactly. Like very, very broad things. And I was like, well, what does that mean?

3:05Like, what's the hierarchy? Like, what's the order? And then I said, well, do you know your partner's goals for the next 12 months? And they struggled again. They were like, oh, I don't know. Like, they're just settling into a new job. And I was thinking, if you don't know who your partner is and where they're going, then how are you meant to be their partner? And so to me, check-ins about these three things regularly and consistently give you a full vision of who your partner is and where they're headed. That's so good. Liking their personality. You don't like someone's personality. You're going to spend 10 ,000 meals with them.

3:38You better enjoy their personality. Exactly. And that's the study that shows that to make someone a casual friend, you should have spent 40 hours with them. 40 hours for a casual friend. If you consider someone a good friend, you have to spend 100 hours with them. And if you consider someone a great friend, you should have spent 200 hours with them. But that's the question I would ask when you say like their personality. Can you spend 200 present hours together? Not just 200 hours watching TV or other movies, present hours. So I love this liking personality, respecting values. I think, you know, with Martha, I got so clear on my values and communicating it effectively.

4:14She asked me earlier on the, what are your priorities, Lewis, question. And I said, ooh, do I step into courage here or do I shy back to keep it comfortable? And I remember saying, well, I want to be very honest and authentic with you, but I don't know if you're going to like it. And I don't know if you're going to want to hang out in this way anymore. Yeah. And I was like, do you want me to be fully honest? And she looked at me and said, yes. I said, are you sure? Because I've been honest in the past and people don't like it. Yeah. And she said, yes. And I said, okay, here are my three main values in order in life.

4:50Number one is I value my health. Because if I'm sick, I can't do really anything. So I need to take care of health first. And you need to support me in making sure that I use my energy to do that on a consistent basis. You can't pull me away from my health. Priority number two is my purpose, my mission. in the season of life, the mission that I have right now, and that's being all in, focused on that, and not feeling bad about it, not taking time away from it, not being resentful of it, any of those things. And I was like, no woman wants to hear from their man or potential man that they're not their number one or number two priority.

5:27And I said, then number three would be my relationship. If we're going to end up dating together, it would be us. And I said, that doesn't mean you want to be like, I would never have time for you. Yeah, I'm not going to choose the gym over here. But I need to make sure those first two priorities are set in stone so that I can actually give to you more. So that I can be more present with you. So I can give you fully, abundantly, and we can do all the things you want to do. You're going to feel like number one, but you need to know that number one and two, I have to do these first. So good. And you will feel like the most important person in the world.

6:04She looked at me. She goes, this is amazing. and she does i can imagine why to say that it's amazing i love this and i go really because i'm thinking like yeah i've i've experienced and i've heard other people experience that if you're not making your woman your number one priority yeah you don't put me first over everything then it's like a stressful experience yeah so it's really interesting you say you did that because inside my book eight rules of love i actually talk about how i gave a client that same exercise so i asked them to rank their top three priorities in order and i was coaching the couple so the man wrote you the kids me and she wrote me the kids you and he was so upset like he was he was just like how can i be third on your list Even more than that he was actually upset that she put herself first That's what he was more upset about.

7:03He actually wasn't that upset about being third He was more upset about how are you first for yourself? How is it not the kids? How is it not the kids and her response was similar to yours that I want to be present Energized and my best for you and the kids. I don't want to give my leftovers to you and the kids and I often say this to people like if someone is emotionally and energetically dead how can they keep you alive it doesn't make any sense like and so what we have to understand is someone's not being selfish by focusing on themselves if they're doing it with a selfless spirit people who prioritize self-care in order to serve that's the self-care we want in our lives

8:03Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Daily Motivation, and I hope you have an amazing rest of your day. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description. That will take you to the full episode of our main podcast on The School of Greatness. And if you are loving The Daily Motivation, please follow us over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review over on Apple podcast right now. And if you want more exclusive content and ad free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our greatness plus channel on Apple podcast right now. And if you want to get even more inspiration from our world class guests and learn how to improve your life and take it to the next level, then make sure to sign up for the greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.

8:53Again, have an amazing day and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the Daily Motivation Show.