Stop Screwing Yourself Over | Mel Robbins EP 735

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes and welcome to the Daily Motivation Show. Today's episode is all about healing your past. Our past is what made us into who we are today, but that doesn't mean avoiding it is ever the proper solution. Healing past trauma can be extremely transformational for so many people, and I invite you to give yourself grace and find healing today.

0:34I think that most of us are not taught how to love ourselves just for being alive. For existing. For existing, thank you. It's the same thing with happiness. Like you're chasing it and you think that if you achieve something, you're going to get it. And you also, or at least I, felt the most loved when I was little when I was achieving something. and you know I think that most parents kind of fall into this camp and it's really interesting to write a book about this and sort of trace back how we go from being little teeny babies that would crawl up to a mirror and put our hands up and kiss ourselves and love the sight of ourselves to being a self-loathing adult that stands in front of a mirror and either ignores or criticizes your very existence.

1:23And I believe that a lot of this has to do with the fact that so much of what you learn as a kid is if you do what I tell you to do, then I'll like you, then I'll love you. And so much of your existence becomes complying, fitting in, not making people angry. You learn how to sort of go in and out of spaces, belong to groups, make sure people like you, and you stop focusing on how you were born, which is looking in a mirror and liking yourself. Most people go through life not loving themselves. I thought I did. But the truth is, I was not actually demonstrating it. I mean, I was doing it by eating the right stuff and taking care of my body and being very loving and nurturing to my kids and going to therapy.

2:19be. But in terms of that intimate moment with myself and how I viewed myself, I still saw what was wrong. I still saw a person who needed fixing, a person who had screwed up. And what I see now is somebody that I love. I had this random morning where there's a lot going on in my life And I woke up, got out of bed, I made my bed like I always do. I walked into the bathroom. I'm standing there brushing my teeth. And I catch my reflection in the mirror. And my first thought is, God, you look like hell. I start then cataloging all of the things that are wrong with my appearance. And then as soon as you have a negative thought or a self-criticism, it's sort of like lint in a dryer.

3:09Once you start collecting it, it just keeps on collecting. So now I'm thinking not about how horrible I look or how tired I look. Now I start thinking about all the stuff I need to do. And I could feel my energy going down. Like I just felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. Here I am, a motivational speaker. Unmotivated. Unmotivated. I don't know what came over me. but as cheesy as it sounds, I just raised my hand and gave the tired, haggard woman in the mirror a high five. And it didn't change my life like right then and there, but something shifted. Like I felt a little lighter. And so I keep doing it, keep doing it.

4:02A couple of weeks go by. I snap a photo of myself and within an hour I posted on my story on Instagram within an hour at least 100 people tagged me all over the world people high-fiving the mirror with their kids people on a submarine high-fiving it in the military people MMA like just and I thought okay wait a minute maybe I'm not the only one that needs a little boost in the morning maybe I'm not the only one who feels alone maybe I'm not the only one that is missing a sense of encouragement and control and confidence in an overwhelming moment in my life. Maybe there's something here. So when you give a high five or you receive one, what is a high five?

4:45Just the gesture alone. What does this communicate if we do this to each other? Nice job. Good work. You're doing amazing. Keep it up. Yeah. I believe in you. I love you. Let's go. If you blow a shot, you got to get back in the game, a high five is like shake it off, you can win. And so all of that lifetime of high fiving other people and the messaging associated with it is programmed right here in your subconscious brain. There's a field of study called neurobics, physical movement plus new neurological activity. When you marry an unexpected physical movement with new neurological activity, it's the fastest way to forge new neural pathways in your brain.

5:30You're not used to high-fiving your own reflection. So it's an unexpected physical movement that then activates all of the positive programming in your subconscious. What happens is all of the messaging with this, the high-five, I believe in you, I love you, I celebrate you, you got this, keep going, come on. It actually fuses with your freaking reflection. Wow. It's impossible to criticize yourself. Yeah. Your brain won't allow it because it's not wired that way when you're making that motion. Recent studies show from the University of Florida that if you take just a minute and you set an intention about how the day is going to go, about who you're going to be, how you're going to show up, what's the one thing that kind of matters to you to really make progress on.

6:16if you just kind of set that intention, who am I going to be today? How am I going to show up today? Even if it's a hard day, how are you going to show up? And then you raise your hand and you seal it. Research shows just setting the intention alone changes your mood. It boosts your productivity. It increases your ability to make an impact on other people. And so when you seal it with this high five it becomes this ritual of setting an intention for the day and also silencing the critic and reprogramming the default setting about how you see yourself whether or not you believe in yourself and you leave that bathroom feeling like the wind is at your back it feels good to be encouraged and supported to high five yourself yes why have i not had my own back why do i stand here and criticize myself?

7:07Why do I allow this moment every single morning to be a moment where life takes over and I drift into autopilot? Why am I not taking this moment for me to build a partnership with myself? If you stand in front of the mirror and you can't see somebody that's worth supporting through this, you're just going to continue to go down. Because the one person that you spend your whole life with is you yes and this is the relationship you need to be working on like you want you want to be loved you better learn how to love yourself you want to feel worthy stop looking for it out there and treat yourself like you're worthy because you're looking outside yourself for the things you actually need for validation correct you are chasing people and seeking validation and romantic relationships and that will end when you can stand in front of that mirror and validate yourself when you know that you can have your own back You're not going to be looking for the validation from your boss or your friends or all these other things.

8:09People have problems with boundaries because they can't look themselves in the eye. So how the hell are they going to look somebody else in the eye and say, actually, this doesn't work for me?

8:20So I did this with our son Oakley when he was struggling pretty profoundly with anxiety when he was in the fifth grade. He named his anxiety Oliver. and whenever the negative worries and stuff would come up he would literally you could literally hear him go Oliver shut up what's happening when you name it and picture the person is that you're able to detach yourself from that voice in your mind that's talking because that voice is typically a caregiver that either talks to you that way or talk to themselves that way or some bully or some trauma experience or some nasty coach that beat this into your head it's from somebody else.

9:01And so we want you to separate yourself so you can be like, oh, that's what Oliver sounds like. That's not actually how I want to talk to myself. Right. And so identifying it, interrupting it, and then you can get into the really incredible magic of rewiring your brain to work for you.

9:22We are amazing at celebrating everybody else. We cheer for our favorite sports teams. We buy tickets to you know our favorite musicians we throw birthday parties for people we take on extra work for our colleagues we help our family members out and our friends out but when it comes to supporting ourselves we don't know how to do it in fact there's a lot of people that think it's selfish to put yourself first or that you're arrogant if you're due right i'm here to tell you it is It's essential to your well-being, to your fulfillment, to your happiness, all of it. So if you're feeling resistance, you're either going to feel it because you already have a deep story that you don't deserve it because of your track record, your past, because of what's happening in your life.

10:13Or you're going to feel resistance because you have been trained to believe that you only deserve that kind of stuff when you're winning. I'm here to tell you, I'm on a mission to make every human being realize that if you wake up in the morning and you're breathing, and you're standing in front of that mirror, and you have survived the stuff you have survived, and you are still waking up and trying to do better, you not only deserve a high five, you need it. Empowerment, support, kindness, love, celebration. It is the single most motivating force on the planet. What really fuels people, particularly when you're going through a challenge, is feeling celebrated, seen, and supported.

10:57And the research bears it out. What they found is that in the study, at least in the years that they looked at, you could take a look at the teams that made it to the championships in the NBA, go all the way back to the preseason. And those were the teams that had the most number of fist bumps and backpats and high fives. Yep. And the same was true about the teams that were the lowest in the league at the end of the season. They had the least amount of fist bumps, high fives and touch. Why? Why would a simple high five with no verbal praise be more empowering and motivating and inspiring and develop more resilience and confidence and motivation inside somebody?

11:39And the reason why is this. A high five affirms your deepest fundamental needs. It's not just a gesture. When you high five somebody, particularly somebody who has either blown the free throw shot or is working on something difficult or going through a really hard time. When you high five them, you're saying, I see you. When you high five them during a challenge, you actually are acknowledging, I know this is hard. so the person feels heard. And because it's one-to-one, and you have to be really intentional. Like if you and I go to high five, like we have to focus on it. That was a good one. If you miss it, what do you do?

12:22You gotta do it again. Correct. So there's an intentionality behind it, and that makes you feel like you're being affirmed as a unique individual. Interesting. And so all of those things are in that one gesture. I personally think most mantras are also complete garbage. And the reason why I say that is because you don't freaking believe them. Right. So if you think you're worthless, you're never going to be able to stand in front of a mirror and change your life by going, I'm worthy. Because your brain's like, who? No, you're not. We've been talking about this for your life. You're not worthy.

12:58You need to come up with something that's like, okay. You know like if you're really like bad and you think you're a horrible person like don't make your mantra I'm amazing make your mantra like I'm doing the best I can you struggle with with health and weight and stuff It's probably gonna be hard for you to stand in front of a mirror Be like I love my body because you've been rejecting it So instead look at yourself in the mirror and use a meaningful mantra. I deserve to feel healthy Right and I'm gonna treat myself In a way that proves it Yeah. Act like the person you want to become. Right. So imagine it's your last day on earth many years away from now, and you've accomplished all your dreams.

13:41But for whatever reason, you've got to take all of your work with you. So people don't have your books, this podcast is gone, your videos, your content, it's all gone. But you get to leave behind three lessons to the world, three things you know to be true. From all of your experiences in life, and this is all we have, what would you say are those three lessons or three truths? This moment is preparing me for something amazing that hasn't happened yet. That saying, it anchors me down in hope, optimism, and faith, no matter what's happening. It is like a mental high five. And it has always borne out that there's always a skill or an experience or a life lesson or a person that I have gained in every horrible thing that's ever happened to me or because of me that has prepared me for something amazing that's coming.

14:35You can 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and interrupt any thought you don't want to think and that will give you immediate control of what you think next. The most important relationship you have in life is the one you have with yourself. So treat yourself like the most important person in your life.

15:18Thank you.