The #1 Sign Your Relationship Won’t Last | Esther Perel EP 876

0:00Hi, my name is Lewis Howes, and welcome to The Daily Motivation Show.

0:11If you feel like you're not living your most authentic life, not leaning into your purpose, and not living the life that your future self would be extremely proud of, I've written a new book called The Greatness Mindset, and I think you're gonna love this. Through powerful stories, science-backed strategies, and step-by-step guidance, The Greatness Mindset will help you overcome all the different challenges in your life to design the life of your dreams and then turn it into your reality. Make sure to click the link in the description to get your copy today. If you are a person that values relationships, that sees the presence of others in your life as central, and you are with somebody who does not want community or does not know how, I mean, I'm talking not about what they would like to learn through you, but their value is you do things alone, you live alone, you rely on yourself.

1:06You know, you don't bring people over to the house. I have a couple I just spoke with yesterday, you know, he loves to have people over and she just, nobody should come over to the house. Her space, the whole thing. And I'm thinking, wow, this is a tough one. It's not just about the house. It's his whole life is about being with people. And her whole life is about not being with people necessarily. That's not how she experiences it. Now the question is, is she drawn to more of what he has to offer? Okay, it's different values come together and they mix and match. But if you have these two separations like that, so that's one.

1:42One of the beautiful questions I ask in Howie's work, were you raised for autonomy or were you raised for loyalty? Were you raised for self-reliance or were you raised for interdependence? I think that question is a fundamentally interesting question that people can ask themselves when they partner in business and in love. Do you see yourself as connected to others and it's your connections that give you a sense of anchoring, meaning, relevance, importance, all of that? Or do you see yourself as fundamentally on your own? I think travel, curiosity you often will have a complementarity between one person who is curious and eager to discover and goes on you know and then another person doesn't want to travel doesn't want but it's also likes comfort likes repetition likes the familiar i think the religious values if you have a person who you know those those matter a great deal children do you want family or do you not want family?

2:46If you want a family, then make sure that you find someone who wants a family. What are you going to do? Try to convince them, you know. Now, I don't think you have to have the same values on everything. I think you have to have a similar outlook on life. Do you want to own a home? Do you think that economic achievement is important? Do you want to live in an extended family. You think that living intergenerationally really is important. And you have somebody else who says, I don't want your parents over. Do you want to live in more than one place? You know, I think these are essential, you know, money, feelings or emotions, religious beliefs, attitude toward life.

3:31It's not a specific value about something. A value is a cluster of things. it's a cluster of importance of systems of meanings that's a value don't get fooled just by what you see find out what is the belief behind it the aspiration the longing the interest and then you get a sense of what is the value the minute you have a relationship you have an expectation that expectation means that you want something love closeness intimacy partnership you know business affiliation you name it creates dependence the moment you have an attachment you have dependence that dependence means that you have power or i have power if i expect something from you i confer power on you you have power over me i have power over you by definition there will be moments when that power doesn't go in the direction that i want i'll be disappointed i'll be disappointed is there a single child that didn't have a disappointment from their parents it doesn't exist this this idyllic thing you're talking about it doesn't exist the next thing is what do you do with that disappointment hey can i come tell you i'm really disappointed you let me down i thought we were in this together i trusted you and you say i see your point or do you say what the hell are you talking about you're just inventing this you're delusional none of the you know and everything in between that's how you do a relationship it's really based on the repair It's how we heal the disappointment.

5:05Yes. It's how you repair all these breaches, moment by moment. You come back, you know, and the repair is not, I am so sorry. The repair may sometimes be, hey, do you want a glass of water? Or, hey, did you see this article in the newspaper? John Gottman is this very interesting thing about that. He says the repair is not that you come and you do a mea culpa. It's that you do what he calls bids for connection. You show the other that they still matter. I brought a newspaper in. At a time when we still had newspapers, that was one of his examples. You know, I brought the paper in. Like, I think of you.

5:39I'm pissed at you. You just annoyed me. We just had a spat. I still care. You're still in my life. I still respect you. So it's how we repair disappointment on a daily or weekly or monthly basis. Minutes sometimes. Is the success of the relationship. And that means also how you come and you say you take responsibility. I actually think that taking responsibility is the ultimate freedom. Really? I messed up. I shouldn't have done this. You know, can I do that? You know, it really is being accountable. What if you were, instead of blaming the other? What if it actually in that moment wasn't your fault?

6:12It doesn't matter. It wasn't, you don't have to agree with anything. I didn't mean to. It wasn't my intention. We are going to sleep a lot, but it's about just saying it. And for that, you have to, it's about saying it. And for that, you have to be able to see that you're a flawed person who can be accountable without that becoming a major source of shame and I'm terrible is a different thing between saying I messed up and I messed up.

6:48Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of The Daily Motivation. and I hope you have an amazing rest of your day. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to click the link in the description that will take you to the full episode of our main podcast on the School of Greatness. And if you are loving the daily motivation, please follow us over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts right now. And if you want more exclusive content and ad-free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcasts. right now. And if you want to get even more inspiration from our world-class guests and learn how to improve your life and take it to the next level, then make sure to sign up for the greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com slash newsletter.

7:45Again, have an amazing day and I'll see you tomorrow with another episode of the daily motivation show.

8:00Thank you.