The 3-Step Method To Make Anyone Feel Truly Heard | Charles Duhigg

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0:42The better you can learn to communicate and someone feels understood with your communication, the stronger the connection and the stronger ability to create together or to make things happen together as well. Oh, absolutely. And the more surface level the communication, I'm assuming, or the less alignment that you have with one another, the more unlikely you will create something unique or special or powerful. That's exactly. And so let's talk about what super communicators do. Like when you're talking to Matt, let me ask you a couple of questions about Matt. And is he like a friend who lives here?

1:18Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. COO of the company, best friend. Okay. Play college football together. Yeah. So when you talk to Matt, does he laugh a lot? Do you guys laugh together? Laugh a lot. We play a lot. I play more with him. You know, I'm more jokey, but yeah. He laughs with me, yeah. But is he the funniest guy? Like, if you were like, who's going to be a stand-up comedian? He's not the funniest guy. Right. He's a middle child. So he's kind of like always learning to navigate both sides, you know? Okay, so here's another question. I'm certain if you ask him advice, he gives you good advice. But if you were like, is he your most genius friend?

1:51Is he the guy who like... He knows a lot about it. He knows a lot about everything. Like a little about a lot. Right. Right? Right. But he's probably not the smartest person I know, but he's the most rational person I know. Which is, that is key. And my guess is, and tell me if I'm getting this wrong, I'll bet you if I watched you guys talking, what I would see Matt doing to you and you doing back to him is that when you say something to Matt, he proves to you that he's heard you. He's proved to you that you're listening. Yeah, for sure. And there's this thing called looping for understanding that's actually like a formalized way of doing it.

2:23Looping for understanding. Looping for understanding. What does that mean? So looping for understanding has these three steps and particularly it's particularly useful if we're in a conversation where we're in conflict with each other. So they teach it in the Harvard negotiation program and in law schools. And what you do is if you want to prove to someone that you're hearing them, which is critical if you, if you have a, if you are in conflict is first of all, ask a question and there's specific kinds of questions that are powerful that we can talk about. Okay. Step number two is repeat back what that person said in your own words.

2:57Not what they said exactly, but how you interpreted it. How I'm hearing you, what I'm hearing you say. And then step number three, and this is the one we always forget. Ask if you got it right. Interesting. Now I'm guessing, tell me if I'm wrong, that if I was watching you and Matt, that you say something to Matt kind of meaningful. And Matt is like, you know, man, like I totally hear you because it sounds like you're feeling down. And it's been a tough day and, and that you need, you need to make it through this. Like, did I get that right? Like, is that, does he do stuff like that? Yeah. I mean, I guess when you're that close, you don't need to know that you got it right.

3:33Exactly. You just get it right. Right. You're just so in sync that if he didn't get it right, I'd be like, no, that's not how I feel. That's exactly right. I would correct him because we have that type of relationship, but that makes sense. And I think that's what a lot of therapists do too. Yeah. It's almost like they'll ask a deeper question. Let me understand deeper. What I'm hearing you say is this, does that sound about right to you? And I know that you've spent some time in therapy. How does it feel when that therapist does? It feels incredible. It feels magic. You feel heard. You feel like someone finally understands you.

4:01Yeah. And being understood allows you to feel, it's a safer feeling. Now, my friend Jay Shetty says that learning to be misunderstood is like, has been a superpower for him. Not having people understand him. Not everyone's going to understand you. But I think when you have relationships where people do understand you or see where you're coming from, it makes you feel safer with them. Yeah. That type of communication. Evolution has developed a reward sensation from feeling understood and feeling connected because that's what helped our species survive, right? The early ancestors who said, like, I want to take care of my young because I feel a bond to them, or I want to pair off with this community and invest in this community.

4:47They're the ones who made it. Right. And so we have this inborn need and desire and sense of reward when we feel understood. That being said, if I'm saying something, even if you're listening closely, I might not pick up on it unless you tell me. Repeat it back in your words and say, did I get this right? Yeah. Or, or, and that's, that's kind of formal. Like it can be more casual, like it is with Matt, which is to say like, I hear what you're saying. Like, that's so interesting. It reminds me of this thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like to show that I'm hearing you.

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